To not do Xmas presents?

[FurBabyMum02]

So about this time of year the stress begins, what do I get everyone for Xmas? Every year when asked my parents say 'oh we don't want anything you don't need to get us a gift' so last year I didn't, we wernt able to see them with covid and I did make sure to double check they were serious, which they were, so we didn't. And actually it was lovely, we did zoom etc and valued time 'together' over gifts and it was somehow more valuable for the fact that presents wernt involved.

So this year AIBU yo want to extend this to everyone? Barring children obviously.

Is it to late to have this conversation so stick it out 1 more year and raise it after Xmas?

Thing is DHs family is huge and very into gift giving, they seem to really enjoy it, but they are also all lovely and hugely value time together and I'm hoping would be receptive to a conversation that highlights that this surely is far more important.

What would your reasons for not giving gifts be and how would you approach the conversation?

And - I agree it's a bit late to change things now - I've bought many as I have to post them across the globe in a few weeks or deliver them next month as many family members are spread out across the UK.

@Numbersarefun

I genuinely want to know. Those of you who only do presents for children, how do you get any gifts? There’s a few things I’d like for Christmas that I would never buy for myself so does it mean you never get presents and just buy everything for yourself?

We're somewhere in the middle. Not gifts only for children, but we try to limit the number of gifts exchanged.

But yes, apart from that, if there's something we want and we can afford it, we give ourselves permission to buy it for ourselves. DH and I rarely exchange Christmas gifts, at this point. We'll usually make a Black Friday purchase or two that we can both enjoy, and consider it an early Christmas present to ourselves. It works for us.

Haven’t done presents for years, it’s daft among adults. Either you tell people what you want, in which case you lose the point of presents (to give something thoughtful) or you don’t and end up with a pile of tat for the charity shop.

My nephews get money (they get tat from other relatives and they prefer money anyway), don’t have children ourselves.

The only problem is my husband’s family, who are into presents, so he feels he has to get stuff for them. It’s just an unwanted tat carousel, in which I do not get involved.

I love Christmas, but the whole present thing is the worst part of it. Gift giving is an important part of human culture, but it’s become a senseless, meaningless rigmarole in western Christmases.

I’d be very wary of interfering with your husband’s family’s gift-swapping traditions. That would need to come from him. It is very different from mutual agreements with your own family.

After many years of giving gifts that end up being recycled ( I even received a gift I'd given to my DS back one year😫) and receiving gifts that were absolutely awful, I decided enough was enough. The stress of shopping, not to mention the absolute waste of money, is so not worth it. I just talked to the family members concerned and requested that present buying for adults should stop. I also requested stopping buying for neices and nephews ( that we never see) and for the aunties and uncles of our children and grandchildren to stop buying for them too so the obligation to reciprocate was removed. I think they were relieved to be honest. Children receive so much at Christmas that they really do not miss those little extra gifts from relatives they barely know. I have cut down my list by about half and Christmas is far less stressful/ far more enjoyable as a result.

I only but for DD and DP now my parents are now longer alive. I don't feel any guilt about not buying for siblings and their families anymore. TBF though I have the perfect excuse...it's my birthday on Dec 25th and as nobody gets me presents on their birthdays, then why should I buy for them on mine?

@Numbersarefun

I genuinely want to know. Those of you who only do presents for children, how do you get any gifts? There’s a few things I’d like for Christmas that I would never buy for myself so does it mean you never get presents and just buy everything for yourself?

Pretty much, and seeing the utter bonkers charade that people go through to exchange gifts, and the angst and upset when it goes wrong, it baffles me why people persist. There's also the waste of money and resources when people receive things they don't want so don't use.

If you see something you want at around this time of year, you could just buy it.

So why on earth do people think it's better to decide that this item will be a Christmas present and they have to start hinting and hope the hint is picked up on, or links are exchanged and someone else will buy it for you and you do the same for them.

Or they don't get it and the thing sells out, do you don't have it or they buy you a different version and you have to put up with something that isn't quite right. Or people talk about buying their own Christmas presents and giving them to their DH to wrap so on Christmas morning they can pretend that he gave them lots of lovely presents when he had little involvement. Etc etc etc.

Makes no sense whatsoever. Once you're an adult with your own money, just buy your own stuff when you actually want or need it, see it at a good price or whatever.

I buy for OH, DD, and my nan and granddad. Nobody else.

Sounds like you have all the stress of buying them, if most of it is for your husband's family then get him to sort out their presents, or at least decide on something for them, even if you actually buy them.

I haven't done presents for years and I am much happier, except for my own dc (and I don't go overboard on these either, just 2-3 gifts each).

My DH family does gifts but I just don't get involved. I have told him to request no gifts (I'm sure they would welcome the idea) but he won't. I don't buy anything or get involved in thinking of ideas etc.

How to word it? Lots of ways. Friends, I've been thinking about Christmas, I'm lucky to have what I need and I don't really want any gifts, I'm also trying to cut down on buying things for environmental reasons. Let's not exchange gifts any more.

I think now is the perfect time to say something but don't leave it any later.

If they have already bought something they can say so, and you could agree to start next year.

Used to buy for nieces and nephews - 20 of them - really had enough - most of these kids I’d not met - lived overseas and I had no idea what to buy them - it all felt stressful and pointless - sure the dcs got loads of presents but they were crap things they didn’t want. I brought it up amongst my siblings - one got a bit pissed off - she said her kids really liked getting gifts from overseas but I stuck to my guns and rode out the bad feeling - it was totally worth it! I’ve stopped dreading Christmas so much - I honestly used to despise it - it was one big never ending to do list - I don’t get given gifts and I’m so bloody relieved - I buy me the best gifts - no more unwanted crap, no more pretending to be pleased with something you really would never dream of buying yourself. Gifts are so over-rated. Spending time with the people I love is enough.

Impulse raise t, but do it soon! I've already started my Xmas shopping....

Urgh, autocorrect! That was meant to say I'd raise it!

we will also do a White Elephant game after we have eaten where everyone gets a random silly present

We play a game - deal out a pack of cards
Then with another pack of card turn over one - the person who matches takes a gift -
Next match that can take a gift or steal the one been given - next card again picks a gift or steals one.

This goes on - it’s a game of luck and chance depending on how many play and how many gifts

Not unreasonable to want to do it, we gave up adult presents a few years ago and it works well. You’ll know the people involved, but I think it’s a little late to suggest it for this year. Certainly in my family most have started buying for Christmas now, and a few have finished and wrapped etc.

I'm surprised by how many people have stopped gifts, it sounds quite liberating! Someone says they enjoy it and hope people appreciate the effort they went to, honestly I do appreciate it when someone has obviously really thought about a gift even if it's something I won't use or didn't want but I mostly feel a bit guilty, like their effort would have been much better placed in doing something else.
Alot of the gifts we get now are what I call token gifts, wine, choc, bath things, socks! Because when people ask we say there isn't anything we want because there genuinely isn't, I think either people would have already done it early as its an easy one to tick off or are leaving it till last.
May start the conversation and if they have already sorted us then suggest it for next year. People doing games and things instead sounds much more up my street so may see if this would work as an alternative.

This year I'm just buying for my very closest family and friends. In previous years I've spent a lot of money on people who I don't see much.

Does there need to be a conversation with your dp's family about it? If you are worried about seeming ungenerous could you just buy a bottle of wine for them as a nice gesture?

My inlaws are a bit like this, and would do away with presents for adults quite happily. They normally suggest a £20 secret santa instead, where we have to provide a list of what we want.

It seems a bit joyless to me. Also, I'm really uncomfortable with not buying everyone presents, when they all buy for my children. I don't want to give my children the impression that buying presents is a chore - I try to get them excited about choosing presents for other people. To me, that is the spirit of xmas.

Saying that, I've never got stuck in a pattern of buying for lots of friends and distant relatives. My list is pretty manageable.

I only give to my own kids/step kids, my two sisters, one niece and now I'll give to my new step granddaughter. My parents aren't alive, and I send my in laws a nice floral arrangement a couple days before Christmas Day.
When my husband was alive there used to be a big family get together (he had five brothers), and it was ridiculous. We once suggested we pull one name out if hat type thing, but that didn't go down well. They are all scattered now and frankly I'm sure all happy not to have to buy 17 plus gifts!
My family doesn't do birthday gifts (my sisters live abroad), so it's nice to do it once a year, and as adults with no partners if we didn't give to each other we might not get any gifts at all!

Bite the bullet & have the conversation! We did it a few years ago & I now enjoy Christmas shopping so much more because I only have to think about my husband, kids & God Daughter (who's like a daughter!) It's such a relief!

We still do birthdays as they're spread throughout the year, but at Christmas, we no longer do any of the adults, teenage nieces & nephews, other family kids, etc.

In terms of the adults, no-one really needs anything & we just get together for a meal & have some decent wine etc. instead. As for the kids, we'd got to the point of just exchanging the same cash or vouchers back & forth, so figured what's the point?

@FurBabyMum02

I do actually enjoy giving people presents, but not when it’s an obligation - it takes all the meaning out of it.

The other night I thought of a brilliant present for my husband, which I may give him for Christmas, or I may just get anyway (which is what we normally do if we want or need anything, it just might be fun to leave it until Christmas). We don’t normally do presents, but if someone wants to be spontaneous about it it’s also fine.

Funnily enough, the wine / chocolate / tin of biscuits / socks presents are the only sort I like getting at Christmas these days. Anything consumable doesn’t go to waste, and you always need socks.

It’s getting a manicure kit and yet another travel wash bag from my husband’s aunt that is ridiculous. I’m 40!

We haven't given adult gifts for years. We make donations to charity and the local food bank instead.

Adult present buying is the worst thing about Christmas! Everyone trying to think of things to suggest when asked what they want for Christmas. I’d happily do away with all adult present buying but I know it would upset someone members so we continue the whole charade.

Kids only for me & nieces nephews, can't remember the last time I bought a present for an adult that wasn't my child.