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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP says he should get more sleep

37 replies

PCtired · 19/10/2021 13:05

AIBU that I'm annoyed at my partner for this:

DP is a police officer and works away from home on shifts. He does 8hr days for 6 days then gets 4 days off. His station is 1hr30 mins away so he stays with family on his shift days and comes back home on his days off.
We have a 3 month old.
For context he finished his shift at 7am this morning. Just as I was waking up with DS. I asked DP to come down early afternoon as I currently have an infection and on antibiotics so feel like crap and even worse with little sleep and a baby who won't nap and wants to be played with or held all of the time. I'm also still battling fatigue from a traumatic birth (had 2 inductions, a stroke & emergency section).
He actually had sat & sun off so went to work at 11pm mon (yesterday) and finished at 7am today.
AIBU to think he should suck it up and just come home to help out. I'm sleep deprived constantly because by the time he gets here I'm on bath and bed time (DS is ebf so can't just tell DP to get on with it himself and DS refuses a bottle)

OP posts:

Original poster

PCtired · 19/10/2021 13:06

Managed to post without finishing 🙄

Basically what I'm saying is, aibu to think he should come down to I can have a few hours, especially as I'm unwell atm, or should I be more sympathetic because of his job?

OP posts:

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/10/2021 13:09

Working nights is brutal. You don’t get nearly enough proper sleep.

However, just for once I think he should suck it up and help you.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 19/10/2021 13:11

I am not sure on the shifts etc but I think in general, when you have a newborn, any parent should expect to be tired. So that includes dads. I dont think he can have a very young baby, a wife who hasn't recovered from birth, and expect his life on those days he is working to carry on and get the same amount of sleep as he would have had before the baby. I'm not saying he should do so much that is makes his work life dangerous or puts his job at risk because he is so tired he makes mistakes either. But there is a middle ground and right now it sounds like you want to meet him there and he is refusing.

How much of his share does he do on his 4 days off in a row? If he did the majority then, maybe I would have a different answer. I suspect he doesnt from what you've said.

Original poster

PCtired · 19/10/2021 13:16

He does try to help out on days off but sometimes I do have to remind him to put his phone down and play rather than trying to just hold DS like he's still a newborn who only sleeps!

I understand him needing sleep to be safe in his job but he gets plenty of sleep between shifts because he isn't staying with us so doesn't have to get up in the night.
I would just like him to come down a bit earlier then he does at the moment so I can get an extra afternoon of help rather than just two days before he goes back to work early again on his last day ready for his next shift the next day.

OP posts:

ArtfulScreamer · 19/10/2021 13:23

In a similar line of work although currently on maternity and if I'd have just worked the 1 night shift like that I'd want to be up at 1pm the latest to make sure I could sleep tonight. YANBU.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/10/2021 13:31

Of course he should - he is getting full nights sleep when he is staying elsewhere!

It sounds like he thinks the baby is your sole responsibility.

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 19/10/2021 13:35

If he went to work at 11pm yesterday, then finished at 7am today - what time did he get back to the place he is sleeping at (his families)?

For him to drive 1hr 30 back to you, he could do with an appropriate amount of sleep to be safe, especially if you want him to come home to help out this afternoon, not get any sleep this afternoon then commute 1hr 30 mins back up to work another night shift tonight.

Do you have anyone closer who can offer support?

2Two · 19/10/2021 13:45

He's away 6 days a week and getting his full complement of sleep during that period? He should certainly be helping out more.

Is this really sustainable? Is there any chance of him applying for a transfer to a police station nearer to home?

CharlotteRose90 · 19/10/2021 13:51

My ex worked those shifts in the police and I’ve done night shifts in my work . Believe me you need as much sleep as you can. If baby is bf then he can’t really help either. He should be up to give you support but I get why he wants the extra sleep. Is there any possibility of him trading stations with someone to get one closer. Either that or you need to try and get close support from someone else either family or friends.

SandwichDistraction · 19/10/2021 13:53

Why does he not get a job closer to home? I’m a police officer and that’s exactly what I would do in this scenario so he is home every day to help out. I know he may have to leave a specialism but there must be jobs closer to home and pay band would stay the same. These are the kind of sacrifices you are supposed to make for your children and partner.

Yes, night shifts are brutal but I am currently on maternity leave and being woken up every hour or so all night is definitely worse.

liveforsummer · 19/10/2021 14:08

Why does he stay away? Surely there are olive jobs everywhere. Agree it sounds like this not sustainable long term but yes he should get up and help. He can go to bed at a normal hour tonight - if he slept in to the day that might not be possible - and get a full night then be refreshed for tomorrow

RIPIgglePiggle · 19/10/2021 14:12

Yes I’d want to be up a bit earlier after the last night shift to sleep that day but are you saying he’s then got an hour and a half commute? Or that he did that commute in the morning which has cut into his sleep as well?

Ultimately commuting an hour and a half to work when you’re on shifts and living away from home six days out of ten isn’t sustainable. This is your real problem here. Either you move or he transfers, how much longer can you live like this?

Longdistance · 19/10/2021 14:16

Sounds like he’s got an easy ride. 6 days away, work, sleep, rinse and repeat. No parental duties. He needs to get his finger out.

Original poster

PCtired · 19/10/2021 15:41

Just to clear up, he doesn't commute an hour and a half. He's an hour and a half from me and ds.
During his shift pattern he is about 15 mins from station at a good time.
Ideally we don't want him to move stations as I would prefer to live up where he is but I don't have the funds to chip in for rent yet at maternity pay is brutal and he doesn't want to spread his money to thin which I agree with. I also do not want to live with his family as that's a whole other issue there 🙄😅

OP posts:

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/10/2021 15:43

Is subsidising your maternity pay, or are you expected to pay for his child as well as do all the childcare?

Whatup · 19/10/2021 15:50

LTB

PegasusReturns · 19/10/2021 15:57

He was sounding pretty crap before you posted about not being able to move because you can’t chip in for rent.

He doesn’t sound nice at all.

RedskyThisNight · 19/10/2021 16:03

@PegasusReturns

He was sounding pretty crap before you posted about not being able to move because you can’t chip in for rent.

He doesn’t sound nice at all.

If they (jointly) can't afford to rent near his station on just her DP's salary, then they can't rent near his station surely? What's not nice about that?

PegasusReturns · 19/10/2021 16:09

@RedskyThisNight you’re right if they can’t afford rent then they can’t rent there.

But I’m going to guess that this is more about the OPs DP expecting the OP pull her financial weight despite the fact that she is currently at home with their baby.

Original poster

PCtired · 19/10/2021 16:11

It's a jointly not paying for rent. I would prefer him to not have to pay for everything. If we moved to near his station our disposable income after rent & bills would be around £100 a month or even less sometimes. It's just not do able and a mutual decision for us to not rent right now until he gets his pay rise or my finances change.
He does still contribute to DS as we have a joint fund for him if we need things

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 19/10/2021 16:17

@PCtired are you not paying rent now? How are you supporting yourself whilst you are on mat leave? Is your DP giving you access to funds?

He should be supporting you as well as your DC!

Original poster

PCtired · 19/10/2021 16:21

I'm currently with parents who do help as much as possible but it's not fair to rely on them when they work full time for them childcare on top. They love to help but I just this DP should be helping when he's off not telling me to get mum to help for a few more hours so he can have 10 hours of sleep!
My lovely parents aren't expecting rent from me whilst at home so maternity pay goes into DS, my personal bills, paying for my MA course this year etc.

OP posts:

PegasusReturns · 19/10/2021 16:29

So what is your DP bringing to this relationship? No practical support.
No financial support.
No shared parenting.

What are you getting from the relationship?

CarrotSticks23 · 19/10/2021 16:33

You live with your parents? That does change things a bit sorry. When you are ill and he's working nights it is the perfect time to get your parents to help for an hour or two. Then he can take over when he gets there

Working 6 nights is brutal, and personally I always rely on that post nights sleep to actually get some proper sleep. I'd want to make sure he was safe to drive. It depends really if you are asking him to get home for say 5 o clock or 1 o clock tbh

It sounds like a jointly can't rent near his station rather than him not pulling his weight financially. Neither of them are paying any rent right now.

Tilltheend99 · 19/10/2021 16:54

His life has changed just like your life has changed. He may want to have more sleep but the reality is that he now needs to compromise on things he would have done beforehand especially after all you have been through physically and emotionally during the birth.

I have sympathy that he has a tough job and night shifts but I don’t think this exempts him from helping out with a newborn as presumably he had the tough job when he decided to make the baby with you and now he has to get on with the reality of it.

Also, your body won’t heal as quickly if you have no support to look after yourself as well as the child.

Men do find fatherhood a little tough adjustment in terms of time and sleep but more often then not women find it tough too but just have to get on with it. If he’s not even around weekdays then just tell him he needs to work on getting his extra sleep then. Baby needs to bond with him too.

If he gets your strength up you can start expressing so that he can give you a break now and then.

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