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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he shouldn't have got that drunk

74 replies

hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 20:23

My husband and I went out to an event at the weekend and his parents came over to babysit. They are mid 70s, our children are 4 & 7. We got home around midnight. The 4 year old went to sleep about 9.30 and my 7 year old was up later (not sure precisely).

When we got home at midnight, FIL was so drunk he could barely talk. MIL doesn't drink so was fine. AIBU to think that FIL shouldn't have done that. Yes there was still another sober adult but I just feel it was completely unnecessary. As the kids went to bed quite late I am certain he was drunk whilst they were awake.

For context in the morning there were 2 empty gin bottles and 1 empty tonic so basically he was tanking straight gin all night. Not normal or ok surely.

OP posts:
Yogawankonobi · 18/10/2021 20:46

Sorry cross post

Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 20:46

@toocold54

A couple drinks when there’s a sober adult - fine. But getting pissed out of your face would upset me - it’s one day babysitting. However it sounds like he has a problem and ‘can’t help it’.
That's what I think too. The second bottle of gin was his own so he actually took a bottle of gin with him.. who packs gin to go babysit young kids!
OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 18/10/2021 20:46

@hereforthechat

Fair enough. I would find it impossible not to be upset by that tbh. I think I'd have to go NC with parents who drank in that self-destructive a way.

Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 20:48

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@hereforthechat

Fair enough. I would find it impossible not to be upset by that tbh. I think I'd have to go NC with parents who drank in that self-destructive a way.[/quote]
We already don't see a lot of them for various reasons. I'm glad I posted here as I feel like DH is minimising and I just think it's awful behaviour. MIL just goes along with anything FIL says/does like a robot so she wouldn't say anything

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 20:49

Id have thought he'd have been unconscious if hed drunk that much. I also don't think hed have driven the next day at all.

overnightangel · 18/10/2021 20:49

Surely he’d still have been off his head Confused

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2021 20:50

They're both doing pretty classic denial/codependency/enabling. Just stay out of the unhealthy dynamic!

Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 20:51

@overnightangel

Surely he’d still have been off his head Confused
We left around 4.30pm so he would have started drinking about then. I am worried that he probably does drive over the limit the day after he has been drinking. They live in a remote house and he drives every day to pick up his paper (ie buy his alcohol)
OP posts:
Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 20:52

@coodawoodashooda

Id have thought he'd have been unconscious if hed drunk that much. I also don't think hed have driven the next day at all.
I think alcoholics can handle a fairly large qty of alcohol
OP posts:
Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 20:54

Thank you so much for all the replies confirming I am right to think this isn't right! I think I may try to have a chat with MiL. It won't be easy as she is a classic bury your head in the sand type and we don't get on great but it must be miserable for her living like this

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2021 20:54

I've worked in treatment and alcoholics can drink vast quantities without passing out.

coodawoodashooda · 18/10/2021 20:54

That is a ton of booze, surely?

SarahAndQuack · 18/10/2021 20:55

I think your DH needs a bit of a reality check. Surely quite a lot of things could happen that could be dangerous for other people than FIL.

Does your DH not also worry about his mother? This sounds pretty awful for her, too.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 18/10/2021 20:57

He's definitely got a problem. What would upset me (and be a fairly clear sign os alcoholism) is that there was obviously no appeal in spending sober time with his grandchildren even though they babysit so rarely.

MissCruellaDeVil · 18/10/2021 20:58

2 bottles of gin is a lot and I'm a heavy drinker!

Wolfiefan · 18/10/2021 21:00

Handling your drink doesn’t mean you are ok to drive.
I don’t actually think you’ll get very far talking to MIL. She is enabling this behaviour. Even your DH is defending it.
Never allow them to babysit again.
Reduce contact as much as possible.

toomuchlaundry · 18/10/2021 21:12

You need to talk to your DH at least about the possibility of his dad drink driving if nothing else.

Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 21:12

@Wolfiefan

Handling your drink doesn’t mean you are ok to drive. I don’t actually think you’ll get very far talking to MIL. She is enabling this behaviour. Even your DH is defending it. Never allow them to babysit again. Reduce contact as much as possible.
I think you are spot on with all of this.

As for the person who asked if my DH is worried about his mum.. unfortunately he has been brought up watching his dad disrespect his mum and I think that's just normal for him now. I have had issues with him disrespecting me as a result. My next husband will have an absent father and 10 sisters, lesson learned.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 18/10/2021 21:13

Next husband??
Eek OP. That’s a big jump.
You do need to put you and the kids first. If DH understood this wasn’t ok that would be different. But you need to set your own boundaries.

Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 21:16

@Wolfiefan

Next husband?? Eek OP. That’s a big jump. You do need to put you and the kids first. If DH understood this wasn’t ok that would be different. But you need to set your own boundaries.
That was just a lighthearted comment. If I could go back and warn my 18 year old self I would definitely tell her men with sisters are the better option though 😂
OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 18/10/2021 21:19

@hereforthechat
Phew!! At least you’re not planning on putting him under the patio!!
Surely DH can see it is affecting more than just his dad now? And he’s likely well over the limit when driving.

Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 21:22

[quote Wolfiefan]@hereforthechat
Phew!! At least you’re not planning on putting him under the patio!!
Surely DH can see it is affecting more than just his dad now? And he’s likely well over the limit when driving.[/quote]
I'll try to discuss it with him again. I really don't think he does. They live in a really rural location and it's just a country lane drive to the shop and back. I absolutely don't think that makes it ok but sadly I don't think DH would feel as strongly as me. Perhaps I have avoided getting into a deep conversation about it because I know DH won't agree that it's bad and really that's not ok. I have this issue fairly often as I am a very "ethical" person who feels strongly about a lot of issues and DH feels strongly about very little.

OP posts:
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 18/10/2021 21:25

I got sober in rehab and went to AA meetings for years. We're told not to decide if other people are alcoholics. But there's no doubt that your FIL is raging.

Never have him over like this again. It would only be safe if you were in to monitor him.

I think I'd point out to your DH that when his dad starts to deteriorate, as he will with this epic alcohol consumption, it won't just effect FIL. One way or another it will effect everyone. A friend went through this. Her DH started having grand mal fits, coupled with frequent incontinence. It terrified their DC. He ended up clearing off to sleep rough and turned a couple of years later with cirrhosis and eventually died.

Original poster
hereforthechat · 18/10/2021 21:28

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

I got sober in rehab and went to AA meetings for years. We're told not to decide if other people are alcoholics. But there's no doubt that your FIL is raging.

Never have him over like this again. It would only be safe if you were in to monitor him.

I think I'd point out to your DH that when his dad starts to deteriorate, as he will with this epic alcohol consumption, it won't just effect FIL. One way or another it will effect everyone. A friend went through this. Her DH started having grand mal fits, coupled with frequent incontinence. It terrified their DC. He ended up clearing off to sleep rough and turned a couple of years later with cirrhosis and eventually died.

I do often wonder when the alcohol will take its toll on his health. He only stopped working about 5 years ago so that's been probably 5 years of progressive heavy drinking now. When he was working he still drank a lot but the nature of his job meant he did go long periods with no alcohol so that probably helped his liver for a long time.
OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 18/10/2021 21:37

If he thinks it is ok for the kids to be looked after by someone who has drunk a bottle of gin then he needs to get a grip.
Plus how would he and his mum feel if his dad had an accident, killed someone or was imprisoned because of drunk driving?
This is not ok.
What if kids go to school and happen to mention something about being left with shitfaced grandad whilst you were out?