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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Failed

44 replies

Wookey123 · 18/10/2021 16:53

I feel really sad, i try to make my husband happy but i don't feel like anything is good enough anymore. He's become more and more difficult to live with in the last few years which confirms that i cannot be making him happy.

It was his Birthday recently he never wants anything but i always try to to think of something. He does need new clothes so i chose him a hoodie. When i gave it to him he refused to open it. After i went to bed he obviously looked at it and then left on the chair where he dumps all my stuff like work bags slippers or anything that belongs to me that i have left lying around. This to me was a sign i don't like it. I asked him & he said why would you buy me a hoody with a huge logo. Failed again. There's a lot going on here that makes me feel things are wrong. My parents brought his gift round (some cash as they didn't know what to get him) again he refuses to open it or even acknowledge it. I find it so embarrassing my mum & dad have been kind to us over the years but he just seems to be full of resentment & anger. I haven't talked to anyone about this but its killing me i want to stay together but i feel broken.

I had a minor op on friday but am completely imobile and he is looking after eveything practically but emotionally I'm so upset. He has brought me food and collected my plates but spent no time with me. I feel so upset. I did get up while he was out an put my pjamas in the wash and now he is refusing to speak to me because i came downstairs. Ive been told to rest 45 out of 60 mins but i still have to get up so i don't get dvt. I'm so sad. He will not talk to me i just don't know what to do anymore i just need to talk to someone. Am i being silly?

OP posts:
Henio · 18/10/2021 16:55

Has he always been like this op?

SouthsideSally · 18/10/2021 16:56

This sounds miserable. What positives does he bring to your life?

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2021 16:57

It's not you, it's him. Get rid of this vile bastard. Your life will immediately improve.

frazzledasarock · 18/10/2021 16:57

Divorce him.

What a way to live.

He’s failed as a husband and partner.

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/10/2021 16:58

It's not working but it isn't you who has failed.

TheKeatingFive · 18/10/2021 16:59

Good Lord he sounds awful. Please don't blame yourself for him being an arsehole.

DeireadhFomhair · 18/10/2021 17:01

Oh @Wookey123 that sounds miserable 😕
He has no respect for you, or your parents. I know it's easy to say on here, but I really think you should seriously consider your future with him - do you still want to be feeling the same way in a year, 10 years, 20 years???? Even living alone has to be better than this.

DeireadhFomhair · 18/10/2021 17:03

Oh and most importantly- You have NOT failed
He has failed you.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/10/2021 17:04

That's no way to live OP, none of how he behaves is your fault. I think you'd be better off out of it

BlueSuffragette · 18/10/2021 17:04

Just wondering how old you are OP and how long you have been together? He sounds like he is not emotionally invested in your relationship. Is he depressed? Sounds like he has totally withdrawn into himself and is giving you the cold shoulder. Not talking to you is a form of emotional abuse. Sadly you can't change him. He needs to make the changes. Hope you feel better soon after your op. Best wishes xxxFlowers

fourminutestosavetheworld · 18/10/2021 17:06

I think it is probably time for some tough decisions.

You can accept this as the rest of your life. Well, until he decides to call it a day anyway.

Or you can start to take charge of the situation. Nobody would blame you for just ending the marriage but if you want to feel like you've tried everything, you could suggest couples counselling first. Often, this can be a useful process in coming to terms with separating.

He has absolutely checked out and is treating you with contempt. You can't come back from that on your own, no matter how much you want to - he has to want to too.

I'd suggest an ultimatum - you are unhappy and can see that he is too. You would be willing to try therapy if he is interested, otherwise you should both see a solicitor to separate, not at some airy fairy future date but next week.

Incidentally, when my husband checked out this completely, he was seeing someone else. It is something to consider or at least watch out for but in many ways the reason is irrelevant really.

LakesideView · 18/10/2021 17:08

Are your parents local? Could you possibly stay with them as you recover? It doesn’t sound like he cares about you. You can’t do anything right.
I had an ex who was a nightmare to buy for. Nothing was ever right, no matter how much thought you put into it. In your situation, I’d be gearing up to leave.

Original poster
Wookey123 · 18/10/2021 17:15

Yes i feel he has checked out of our relationship i have tried to talk to him but i can't get anywhere.. he spends large amounts of time on his phone to be be fair i do too but he doesn't communicate and usually says here we go if i try & discuss something. Been together 15 years 2 teenagers, I'm 51 he 44.

OP posts:
SmallWaistFatFace · 18/10/2021 17:17

He sounds utterly joyless.

WizardOfAus · 18/10/2021 17:24

@Wookey123

Yes i feel he has checked out of our relationship i have tried to talk to him but i can't get anywhere.. he spends large amounts of time on his phone to be be fair i do too but he doesn't communicate and usually says here we go if i try & discuss something. Been together 15 years 2 teenagers, I'm 51 he 44.
You haven't failed. He has. As for the phone... have you ever had a sneaky look to see what he's spending all his time doing?
Cryalot2 · 18/10/2021 17:24

He refused to open either birthday present! Is it a significant one ? Could he be feeling depressed as though he has failed to achieve x by this age?

There is no excuse for his appalling manners.
You have NOT failed, he has failed you.
He needs to treat you with respect and your parents and others also. Are you getting anything out of this relationship?

toocold54 · 18/10/2021 17:30

Life is too short to put up with this.
You are both not happy.

When you are feeling better I would have a proper talk with him and explain that if things don’t improve then you’ll spilt up. Give it a month and if things are still the same then move out.

BoredZelda · 18/10/2021 17:35

It is never a person’s job to make another person happy.

viques · 18/10/2021 17:36

I hope you kept the receipt for the hoodie. I’m afraid it is too late to return him for a refund, you will have to recycle him or send him to the dump.

twrds · 18/10/2021 17:41

Hope you're feeling ok after your op.

Maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart with him? Just tell him he can be honest with you because you're worried that he's not happy. By placing focus on him, he's more likely to open up to you (assuming he's not seeing anyone else).

Tal45 · 18/10/2021 17:42

He has emotionally checked out. Definitely try to get a look at his phone if you can, people who are cheating often emotionally check out. Whatever the case you should physically check out. Go stay with your lovely parents if you can and remember what it's like to live with people who aren't complete assholes.

Dillydollydingdong · 18/10/2021 17:46

He doesn't want to be with you any more, does he? It's time for a frank discussion. If he doesn't want to be with you and he's making you unhappy, what's the point? You might as well end it by agreement now.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 18/10/2021 17:46

Jesus christ leave this man ASAP. Itll be hard at first but in the long run I think (im willing to put money on) you'll be much happier.

doublemonkey · 18/10/2021 17:47

God, that sounds horrible. Nothing you do will make this man happy.

💐

Billybagpuss · 18/10/2021 17:55

It is not your job to make him happy, a good relationship has both parties trying to make each other happy.. When did he last make you happy.

Normal people when they receive a gift act grateful that someone has gone to the trouble of getting them something. You could have given him last weeks winning euro millions lottery ticket and he would have found something wrong.

What do you want to do next? Are you prepared to have a repeat performance at Christmas?