To worry about death?

[bgmama]

Sorry to bring the general mood of AIBU down but I wanted to see if there are any other people feeling the way I do and how you cope with it.
I have worried about dying since I was a teenager. This has probably been due to some members of my extended and immediate family dying before their time due to accidents, disease etc. When I say "worry", I don't mean that I think about it every day but in a way it is always in the back of my mind. This has been a blessing and a curse, because on the one hand I have always tried to live the life I want and as a result I have a fulfilling life. On the other hand, death is the end of all the fun and that's what I hate.
It doesn't help that I am an atheist and I don't believe in afterlife. The people who have made peace (as much as possible) with the fact one day they will die are usually people who believe in some sort of afterlife.
So do you worry about death and how do you cope with it? Any interesting books (literature or otherwise) on the subject?

I don’t worry about my death, but I worry about my DH’s death. In the last 13 years my parents and two siblings have died, I didn’t know my wider family so this is nearly all the people that were in my childhood. I worry that people die around me. 😥

I used to be terrified of death but having actually nearly died I believe there is something more out there.
I m absolutely heartbroken by my father s death in July, it was suddenly in his sleep age 79.
But when I went to see him at the funeral home he looked so peaceful as if he d gone somewhere better.
I m not hoping for my own death anytime soon but I m not scared anymore.

I have recently after I realised how much my dd relies on me, and how much she struggles with her dad's behaviour. Obviously I always knew my death would be devastating for my DC, but the last couple of years has really made me concerned. I can't bear to think of how both DC would be affected, but especially dd as we are so close and her dad is a bit of a dick.

I do. And even more as my teens get older. It comes in waves.

I'm an atheist and I don't worry about death at all. Being an atheist helps me not worry about it, in fact. Because I know that the moment I'm dead it won't matter to me, as I won't know anything about it! The only aspect I worry about is the process of dying (potential illness or pain), not the idea of life ending.

I have always felt the same.

Over the years I have read the work of Elisabeth Kubler Ross several times. She was not religious, but was a doctor who pioneered end of life care and specialised in palliative care.

She was a wonderful woman, and her books sustained me when I lost my darling father.

Thoughts to all who are grieving.

www.amazon.co.uk/Wheel-Life-Memoir-Living-Dying/dp/0684846314?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I'm only afraid of leaving my children when they still need me. If I were on my own, I'd not be afraid (though also not actively wanting to die! I just wouldn't fear it), and once my kids are independent adults then I'll be less fearful (I hope), but yes, I do worry about dying before my children are "ready".

@recklessruby I'm sorry for your loss. I can relate to this as my father died in April and am also completely heartbroken. Have you listened to the griefcast podcast at all? I have found it helpful to hear people speak so openly about the loss of their loved ones and the affect of that so openly.

Since my father passed, I think about death quite a bit. I try really hard not to look at it in a negative way but use it as a way to not sweat the small stuff and to remind myself to be kind to people. Not to say that I suffer fools gladly but I'm not as quick to anger as I once was.

@PesosBandage

I'm only afraid of leaving my children when they still need me. If I were on my own, I'd not be afraid (though also not actively wanting to die! I just wouldn't fear it), and once my kids are independent adults then I'll be less fearful (I hope), but yes, I do worry about dying before my children are "ready".

Yes. This.

I found Staring at the Sun by Irving Yalom very interesting and helpful.

@officialoffical thank you and sorry for your loss too.
I haven't but will have a look.
I m struggling at work and can feel angry which I suppress.
I was very close to my father as the eldest child and feel my siblings and even mum are moving on while I m not.

I used to worry about it a bit but since having my DC it's a real fear, not for me - I actually have no real fear of dying for myself anymore - I'm just worried I'll leave them motherless. It's panicked me when I've had a couple of health scares since they were born. There's nothing I can read to allay those fears I just need not to die! However Pre DC when I did worry about it I liked reading stoic philosophy to get a bit of perspective. I'm also an atheist and agree that those of faith have it easier in this regard. I was brought up Catholic but couldn't believe from a very young age. I wish I could but it's just never going to be an option so distracting myself with philosophy helped - existential nihilism /absurdism all that jazz.

I can have full blown panic attacks about death. I have to stop myself from thinking about it or I end up in a state. It's knowing that one day I will be nothing but ashes and can't quite comprehend it. I know it's ridiculous and irrational but I've been like this since I was a child. It recently got worse as I've had two near death experiences in the last few years, one a serious car crash and the second an attempted murder. Both times I thought 'this is it' and felt nothing but sheer panic and waited for everything to go black. Plus it doesn't help the fact I've never experienced grief or lost a loved one due to having a very small family. Fortunately distraction techniques do seem to help but I can completely empathise OP.

@Iooselipssinkships what distractions techniques do you use? Thanks!

I worry about it everyday and at times find it really difficult to get in perspective. Mainly I don’t want to die whilst my children are still children , and I worry for them . But in reality I’m very healthy and there’s nothing wrong with me and I get annoyed that I’m letting this worry cloud my healthy happy days.

lazylinguist Thanks, that really helps!

Thank you all, I am reading all your replies and I will look into your book reccommendations. I also worry about leaving my children as they are still very young, but I also worry about my husband and he would manage to look after them on his own. I have recently lost my DM to cancer and I have just found out about relatives and friends of friends with the same diagnosis and this has brought it all up again. Talking about it here helps!

I found 30 Meditations on Death a brilliant book on palliative care and passing at an old age. I think about it a lot (every day?) after my sister died a sudden death 4 years ago and I walked in and found her. Strangely enough, I no longer panic about it (she was quite peaceful) but I have taken some practical steps like setting up a Living Will and an Enduring Power of Attorney. I'm also trying to make sure my adult children and teenage grandchildren are 'in a good place', well, as far as I can, and not necessarily financially (though I have a water-tight will) but more coping with life and knowing what they want to achieve to be happy. I won't mind when the time comes as long as it's painless.

What about connecting with the Death Cafe? It's a global organisation for people to discuss death as in the finite nature of life.

deathcafe.com/

My dad died suddenly, 25 years ago, on the day I got my A level results and on the eve of my 18th birthday. My son is now the same age I was, and I find myself thinking both how it affected me, and how he would cope if it happened to me.

In a strange way I know he would be devastated, as I was, and that it would change his life from that point onwards; but, I get some comfort from realising that he would probably do as we (myself and sister) did, and as I imagine most people do. The horrendous grief abated over time, I made some silly decisions that with hindsight I probably wouldn’t have done under different circumstances, but we survived, and life went on. It was different, but we were more resilient than I ever would have presumed. I try not to worry about it; I’ve realised it’s impossible to predict what may happen and only brings anxiety and stress.

I go through periods of death anxiety, but I go through longer periods of not having anxiety around it.

I've almost died so many times. Accidents, seizures in really inconvenient places, sepsis etc and the thing is I worry about dying when I'm completely fit and healthy but when I'm in these predicaments I don't suddenly think "oh shit, I'm going to die". In fact I just think, "god I hate the smell of hospital, I hope they bring those good sandwiches for lunch, can the person in the cubicle next to me please STOP SNORING!"

I think in reality, when I am dying, I won't even know it's happening. It'll either happen so quickly, that I won't even notice, or it'll be so slowly that I'll have chance to really live.

I like to think of death as, not at all and then suddenly all at once.

And there's something a bit peaceful about that.

I worry about death. Not the fact of my own, but I worry about leaving my two children (age 1 and 4) as their dad is older,
Already in his 50s. I have no siblings. I worry about them being left alone early when my parents and partner die if I have an untimely death.
Like PPs I also worry about the death of my partner as his whole family died young, including his brother. I worry that when my parents go if he goes too I will have no family left except my children.
But all you can do is try to live a healthy lifestyle and get your wills in order, life insurance etc. As you say try to enjoy what you have of life.
I'm also an atheist and find no comfort in anything beyond this life really. I love life and hope for a long and healthy one. I'm probably just short of halfway through...

It terrifies me when I sit and really think about it. In fact just reading this thread now has sent my heart racing and I had to walk around the house for a few moments to calm myself down.

Like you it’s always in the back of my mind, but I don’t really dwell on it too much unless like now I think deeply about it.

I’m terrified of losing the people I love too. My friends have lost their parents who were in their 60s and sometimes it was sudden. I know one day I will go through that level of grief and I just cannot imagine the pain. Since hitting my 30s I’ve realised that I’m approaching an age where people start to lose loved ones, and I never used to think about it say, 10 years ago. It’s good though as I don’t take anyone for granted like I would have done when younger. I don’t want to live with any regrets.

Then there’s the thought of leaving my children behind, especially if I die young while they’re children. I can’t even imagine how they would cope and how they would have a stable life if I ever went.

Atheist here. I don't worry about dying. It's one of the only things in life that I can be certain of so I don't feel the need to give it much attention. Life and living provides me with quite enough worries as it is.

I'm a staunch atheist and I don't worry about dying at all, if there is any kind of afterlife I'm going to be seriously pissed off. I don't need or want more than the life I've had.
Both my parents have gone and if anything that's made me even less afraid of death.
I think if you're dwelling on it and feeling terrified then you should try and talk to someone.