What is his problem? Arsey DH. Am I the problem?

[Aboutreadytopop]

I'll give full context so bare with me.

I'm 39 weeks pregnant and have 2 young DC. I've been SAH for the past 3 months as I have SPD, painful hernias and rely on crutches so could no longer do my very physical job that requires me to be on my feet all day walking between places (I'll be returning to work later). I have a DH who works 4 nights a week.

We don't have a tumble dryer so we take our washing to the laundrette on the next block, 2 mins walk. DH has taken on that job for the past few months because I can't lift heavy bags of wet washing.

Despite my limited mobility I have been doing 99.99% of the housework (I'm nesting like crazy so if there's something I can do, I will gladly do it and then some)

DH worked last night (but has two nights off in a row now) and we had the mundane "what do you fancy for dinner" conversation this morning when he got in as we don't have much in because we do the food shop on a Monday.

He said he wanted a fry up which we didn't have ingredients for. I said if he wants a fry up he'll have to cook it when he's up as it's too much faff for me and I'm indifferent. He said sure. My DM who was visiting at the time kindly offered to go to the supermarket and pick up what was needed so I didn't need to hobble down there myself. He says sausages, bacon, beans etc.

He goes to bed for his 7 hours sleep and all is fine.

During the afternoon I put a wash load on whilst cooking the kids tea, no expectation that he needed to take it across to be dried today as we have racks it can sit on until tomorrow.

6pm comes and he gets up. As soon as he hears the washing machine on his mood changes and he's clearly in a strop.

He starts his fry up. He then moans about the lack of oil we have left and the fact the tin of beans doesn't have a ring pull so he has to open them with a knife. I said they were the only ones the shop had when mum went, he then replies "well personally I would have left it then"

so what was my DM supposed to do then, then?

No gratitude for the fact she went out of her way to go shopping for us, it's all shit because the beans don't have a ring pull.

It's now clear he's regretting the fry up and feels inconvenienced. I asked why he asked for one in the first place on a Sunday knowing we don't have much in. He said it's because I'm a fussy eater and he couldn't think of anything else I might want.

(I eat plenty btw. I'm not that fussy at all - infact I took out a subscription to simply cook because he moaned that we always ate the same stuff, then he moaned about that and said the meals were shit and not filling!)

Eventually I ask him what his problem is as his mood is starting to grate and he starts listing off all these inconveniences.

The washing machine being on which means he has to take the laundry across. The fact we have to do a food shop tomorrow and he hates doing food shopping and it's inconvenient (we both go together btw, me crutches and all)

He even throws in a moan about how he usually has to take the kids to nursery on a Monday, which is null and void because they're off for the next month so no nursery runs nessecary. He has been doing the nursery run, to his credit, but it's only when he's off work and not due in to work.

Then he says there's too much to do, including bathing the kids.

I tell him he doesn't need to take the washing over today it's not nessecary, I remind him the kids aren't even at nursery, I'll bath them and if he doesn't want to do the food shop tomorrow then that's fine we don't need to and I'll do an online shop instead.

He responds with silly excuses about how my solutions to his perceived problems won't work and says I'm escalating things into an argument (by offering solutions to things he's annoyed about?!)

After going round the houses for 10 minutes I've excused myself to sit in the bedroom as I simply can't be bothered with his mood.

I would love to switch places with him and be back at work, not stuck indoors all day anxiously awaiting a c-section (which I'm really scared about to be honest)

So do you think I expect too much of him? Which is absolutely sod all in my opinion, short of minute contributions toward the running of the home (drying washing 2 x a week which I didn't even expect him to do today) and child rearing (dropping the kids to nursery 2 mornings a week when he's not at work!)

Your take please mumsnet.

agree, he sounds overwhelemed. I get like this at the beginning of a possible bout of depression

horrid for you though op! Even though it's the last thing you feel like doing, I'd reach out to him and sympathetically ask what's wrong and see if he opens up.

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He’s in a bad mood. Sometimes people are in a bad mood.

You are the SAHP so you should be doing the majority of the housework, cooking, childcare etc - do you think this is happening or do you expect him to do a lot whilst also working full time?

I am doing the vast majority of all of the above, plus I've had alot of help from my DM this past week too as i get nearer my due date.

I'd reach out to him and sympathetically ask what's wrong and see if he opens up.

I do try, he doesn't open up he's a closed book and always has been. He's the sort whom, instead of talking through something that bothers him, will bottle it up and save it all up for later / a week down the line when something else irks him then he'll list off 5-10 things in a strop. He doesn't communicate.

To the PP who asked, when I was working FT the childcare was split evenly when we were both at home. Now I'm at home 24-7 I do the vast vast majority. He'll change a bum when he gets in from work in the morning and grab the kids something if they ask him specifically, but everything else I do, from the day time care to cooking their tea, getting them ready for bed etc.

I do need him to step in to help me when one of the children has a meltdown (special needs) because I can't get down onto the floor that easily or hold DC when lashing out because of my huge bump and hernias - but that's only ever when he's home and awake. I wouldn't wake him up to deal with it. I manage as best I can.

We can definitely afford a washer combo i just need to clear it with landlord as the current washing machine belongs to him.

Honestly I feel a bit sorry for him, four night shifts in a row is brutal. I work nights (not that many together though) and I always wake up with a cracking headache and feeling absolutely rotten. I try not to be a grumpy arse but I don’t always succeed.

@toocold54

He sounds really overwhelmed. You are the SAHP so you should be doing the majority of the housework, cooking, childcare etc - do you think this is happening or do you expect him to do a lot whilst also working full time?

You both need to sit down and talk.
You seem jealous of his life (getting 7 hours sleep etc) and he seems jealous of your life (staying home all day).
You both need to say what you are finding difficult/stressful so that you can try and compromise and go back to being a team instead of being snippy with each other.

She’s not really a SAHP, she’s not working her physical job due to her pregnancy

If you've got an issue with condensation then you could look to invest in a dehumifier and run this whilst the washing is on the airers. This will remove the condensation from the house and stop any mould. A decent one can be expensive £150-200 but they really are worth it and if you've got to go to the laundrette every few days you might find it pays for itself pretty quickly!

@Crispyturtle

Honestly I feel a bit sorry for him, four night shifts in a row is brutal. I work nights (not that many together though) and I always wake up with a cracking headache and feeling absolutely rotten. I try not to be a grumpy arse but I don’t always succeed.

He doesn't do four nights in a row. He works Tuesday, Thursday Friday and Saturday.

I completely appreciate that nights are gruelling though and I don't think he should be doing them at all personally with such young DC at home.

Overall it's his preference and he doesn't want to work days and lose out on the money.

We have a dehumidifier, a small crap one though so not much cop when it comes to counteracting the need to dry washing indoors.

Getting a decent one is an option to be considered, I get that nobody wants to be stuck using the laundrette indefinitely.

Thanks for the links btw PP's. Just read back and seen them.

Tumble dryers are same price as dehumidifiers and far better for environment. And no clothes hanging around.

Condenser dryers are only £217 new and can go anywhere. Far less second hand (£50.)

They are better for environment as it takes 40 mins to dry a wash load. Dehumidifier would be on for 6 hours waiting for clothes to air dry. 0.6hours versa 6 hours of environment concern. Same motor in both.

Sorry to say but if we're going along enviroment lines. Industrial tumble dryers (at laundrette) are terrible for environment!

I’d just give up OP you’re on a hiding to nothing here some of these replies beggar belief. Basically youve inconvenienced this poor man by living with him.

I think this sounds like a communication rut between the two of you. If I’m in a bad mood it makes it 300 times worse if DH offers me an array of ‘solutions’ to the things that are pissing me off. I don’t want solutions, I want a hug and for someone to agree with me that things feel overwhelming sometimes (and that tins without ring pulls should be banned). Just a token comforting noise generally makes things bearable again for me, and me much less of an arse to be around. It took us 15 years to work this out.

What if you stopped trying so hard to fix the things he moans about?

Ignore me, I hadn’t RTFT

Sometimes I just need to have a whine and DH tries to solve my problems, which just makes me really annoyed at him because all I really want him to do is say “YOU’RE SO RIGHT DEAR, it IS shit.” Maybe that’s how he is feeling too? There is too much to do and it is shit and he just wants to get to feel shitty about it for a little while?

Fucking hell the replies on here!

OP is heavily pregnant, in pain and on crutches. Despite which she does the vast majority of the housework and childcare -
he’s required to do very little outside of work and he’s having a tantrum because he’s having to do even that. To his heavily pregnant, in pain and on crutches wife. To which the posters of mumsnet queue up to tut over how overwhelmed the poor dear must be.

Beggars belief.

He’s being a dick OP. If it’s unusual for him to be a dick then that’s one thing, although he still needs telling to wind his neck in.
If he’s this much of dick more often then that’s another thing entirely.

1. You do need a tin opener. They are cheap enough, so get one with your shopping tomorrow.
2. It sounds to me like he got up in a bad mood. Nothing really to do with you. Just tell him that if he is grumpy, he can keep it to himself. And you take a seat and rest.
3. Well, I do not flipping like much doing the shopping sometimes. I still do it. Sometimes I do not fancy cooking. I do it. And I hate laundry (minus when it is yhe last load, which I love! But it all gets full of laundry again quickly enough). I do it. I am a grown up.

You kindly told him that he needs not to bother today if he wants to chill. So he had his chance. He is just grumpy. If somebody has the cure for grumpiness, please pass the recipe this way.

@Embroidery

Tumble dryers are same price as dehumidifiers and far better for environment. And no clothes hanging around.

Condenser dryers are only £217 new and can go anywhere. Far less second hand (£50.)

They are better for environment as it takes 40 mins to dry a wash load. Dehumidifier would be on for 6 hours waiting for clothes to air dry. 0.6hours versa 6 hours of environment concern. Same motor in both.

Sorry to say but if we're going along enviroment lines. Industrial tumble dryers (at laundrette) are terrible for environment!

You really think that calculation makes sense that you can just throw it out there with no evidence or any humility?

Tumble dryers use over 10 fold the energy per hour compared to a dehumidifier plus surely one should really calculate stuff to do with the amount of clothes that can be worked on a by a dehumidifier in a shut room.

@Aboutreadytopop You want to invest in one which maximises the amount of water which is captured in a 24hr period.

This is a good one Newentor Dehumidifier 20L-25L/Day, Room Dehumidifiers for Home Damp, Large Dehumidifier Electric with Digital Humidity Display, Continuous Drainage, Laundry Drying and 24 Hour Timer https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B089YK765Z/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabc33DQ06HJ9S6WXFP6XCS9

Also consider this one

Home Dehumidifier 20L/Day with Touch Panel & 4.5L Large Water Tank, Laundry Drying, Swing Mode, 24Hr Timer, Continuous Drainage, Auto-On/Off, WiFi Remote, Ideal for Damp in Home, Bathroom and Basement https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09CDP54JB/ref=cmswwrcppapiglttfabc445V9374E1ECMPS7BM80??encoding=UTF8&psc=1

@toocold54

He sounds really overwhelmed. You are the SAHP so you should be doing the majority of the housework, cooking, childcare etc - do you think this is happening or do you expect him to do a lot whilst also working full time?

You both need to sit down and talk.
You seem jealous of his life (getting 7 hours sleep etc) and he seems jealous of your life (staying home all day).
You both need to say what you are finding difficult/stressful so that you can try and compromise and go back to being a team instead of being snippy with each other.

She’s only been a SAHP for a couple of months because she’s heavily pregnant with a health condition meaning she has limited mobility… but yeah, absolutely she shouldn’t be putting on her poor, put upon DH who was obviously vommed into having these children OP I have no idea why people are making this about drying washing or anything else. He’s a stroppy arse who only seems to be bothered about his own leisure time.

He sounds really overwhelmed.

The poor lamb.

You are the SAHP so you should be doing the majority of the housework, cooking, childcare etc - do you think this is happening or do you expect him to do a lot whilst also working full time?

Erm, the op is home because she is suffering from SPD and painful hernias and is on crutches. She’s ill, not skiving. And I would love to know how much her dh would get done whilst also looking after 2 kids if that was the case for him.

Vommed should have read conned!

He sounds really overwhelmed
You are the SAHP so you should be doing the majority of the housework, cooking, childcare etc - do you think this is happening or do you expect him to do a lot whilst also working full time?

The poor, poor menz 🥺 being expected to work, and parent their own kids and do a bit of housework, like most adults. How overwhelming for the poor bubbas. Of course the lazy woman/skivvy who is pregnant, in pain and on crutches, should be doing even more.

🍪

Without sounding offensive, this just sounds depressing. For the both of you. This is the time where you need to be relaxing and not nagging at each other. Is it really a long term, viable solution to keep using the launderette? Definitely do the shopping online, you shouldn't be hobbling to the supermarket with crutches. You both aren't making it easy for yourselves.