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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how school residential dorms are organised

42 replies

TheLasrStraw · 17/10/2021 16:50

Secondary school DD won't be in the same dorm as her friends due to numbers not allowing it.

DD is the one that has been left out and the school haven refused to fix it by say letting one friend go in a dorm with her and swapping someone out.

It's so unfair. How come 4 girls can be with 3 friends and my DD gets to be with zero friends?

What to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLasrStraw · 17/10/2021 16:52

I left the word trip out.

OP posts:
DeffoJeffo · 17/10/2021 16:56

Honestly, don't be "that parent"! I would explain yo your daughter that life isn't always as we want it and that she will be able to meet new people and still see her friends in the day. Likely she has been "chosen" as she is easy to get on with which I hope makes you feel proud :)

NailsNeedDoing · 17/10/2021 16:58

Don’t do anything except reassuring your dd that she will be fine and it doesn’t matter. My ds had a similar situation once and although he was upset initially, he ended up having a good time with the people he shared a dorm with.

If it’s for a trip, it will only be a few days, and they always so busy during the day that time spent in dorms is minimal anyway. The school will have put thought into who shares with who and there will be plenty of things that they have considered that you have no idea about, this is probably the best way they can make it work.

ftw163532 · 17/10/2021 17:00

@TheLasrStraw

I left the word trip out.
Oh, so we're just talking a brief holiday not boarding school.

Unless they're spending the entire trip in these dorms I don't think it's quite as dramatic as you make out.

Just reassure her and be positive.

Original poster
TheLasrStraw · 17/10/2021 17:05

She's also not with friends in the day time groups either.

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 17/10/2021 17:11

@TheLasrStraw

She's also not with friends in the day time groups either.
Hmm such is life sometimes. It's a good lesson for her.
prawncrackergirl · 17/10/2021 17:12

I'm organising our Y6 residential at the moment.

We do not tell the children or parents their dorm-mates until they arrive, to avoid this situation.

I have asked the children to name two or three children they would like to share with, and said they'll be with at least one. In most cases, they are with two or three friends, in a handful of cases, they are with one. The balancing act of friendships, behaviour, adult ratios etc is a headache.

Tell her it's a shame she's not with her friends, but she will see them at mealtimes and playtimes. It's a brilliant chance to make more friends and spend time with people she doesn't know very well. Be positive, positive, positive, even if you feel disgruntled. She will take her cue from you.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/10/2021 17:13

How ours do it, is they ask all the children to name one or two children they'd like to dorm with.

MintJulia · 17/10/2021 17:14

So she'll make some new friends. She's senior school not 6.

You do sound like 'that' parent already.

SheWoreYellow · 17/10/2021 17:15

Ours guaranteed they’d be with at least one friend.

Can they visit other dorms? If not, because of covid then I’d possibly get in touch with school.

All they can do is say no. You can just ask if they’re aware.

Pigeontown · 17/10/2021 17:18

Sometimes this is because there is a dynamic you may not know about. They might be friends but in my experience girls can also not be that nice to each other if they're year 6/7/8. Its really only bedtimes and perhaps this split actually might be more harmonious. You didn't say what age. But all ages they eventually get split for new classes, or even schools. The girls who cling to one friend/s struggle with this. Better to get a wider group and more friends now. Away from friends she may also get a better night's sleep!

AosSi · 17/10/2021 17:19

There's nothing you can do. You're not the dorm planner, the dorm arrangements have been set. That's it.

Tbh this is why I don't tell kids the sleeping arrangements until we arrive at the accommodation...but then I work in primary.

3scape · 17/10/2021 17:19

Wow. Why is your daughter incapable of being friendly with anyone other than this group?

nosyupnorth · 17/10/2021 17:21

It's a little disppointing for your dd but that's just how it works out sometimes. A change almost certainly wouldn't be as simple as just swapping one person out and everybody being happy then, probably one of the other girls would be unhappy then, plus there will undoubtedly be combos of kids they can't put together (either because of bullying or just because they egg each other on and bring out bad behavior).

Either these girls are her good friends, in which case being in seperate dorms for a few days won't matter, or they aren't in which case she will benefit from having the chance to bond with others.

SingingSands · 17/10/2021 17:22

She might not be with her "best" friends, but she'll hardly be amongst strangers!

My son was the one "left out" on a school trip and some other parents approached me about asking the school to swap him. I didn't. The school made the decision, they were in charge of the trip, not me. My son did the trip, had a great time and has great memories.

Kite22 · 17/10/2021 17:23

Everything the first 4 people replied.

prawncrackergirl - that is such a sensible way to go.

OP the best response is to thank the staff for the many, many, many hours they are putting into organising this, and for giving up their evenings (and possibly weekend?) to give the pupils this opportunity.

Original poster
TheLasrStraw · 17/10/2021 17:25

Her primary school guaranteed one friend, but secondary doesn't.

If it's ok for that to happen to my DD, why not swap someone out so it happens to someone else and so give my DD one friend?

OP posts:
prawncrackergirl · 17/10/2021 17:31

Oh, @TheLasrStraw, your last message really made me eyeroll.

Just pull her out of the trip, if that's your feeling. It will save the school staff (who will be running themselves ragged preparing, planning, risk-assessing and getting ready for working 24 hours a day for however long the trip is) a MASSIVE headache not to deal with you.

saraclara · 17/10/2021 17:31

@TheLasrStraw

Her primary school guaranteed one friend, but secondary doesn't.

If it's ok for that to happen to my DD, why not swap someone out so it happens to someone else and so give my DD one friend?

So you're happy for it to happen to someone else? As long as it's not your daughter?

Let's stand by then, for another of these OPs from that girl's mother.

superram · 17/10/2021 17:32

I understand you are upset. As far as possible I try to get students to sort themselves out. In this situation I would say they have to be a 3 and a 2 or I will room them and they may all be alone. I wouldn’t do the swapping out though. Please don’t say anything though.

WhatAShilohPitt · 17/10/2021 17:38

I don’t think YABU that unreasonable, actually. I don’t really understand their reasoning of ‘numbers don’t allow it.’ Fair enough that they can’t fit all 5 in a room but it seems a bit off to let 4 girls stay together and 1 be entirely with girls she doesn’t know. Don’t see the issue with allowing 2 rooms with 2 friends & 2 ‘non-friends’ and I’d think that was better for getting them all to mix.

That said, she has the chance to make three new friends which is great!

YourFinestPantaloons · 17/10/2021 17:39

I organise residential for secondary aged children.

I also don't tell them who they're bunking with until the day because you can guarantee some nut case parent will be on at me. Why on Earth did they tell you?

How do I organise them? Well considering the time, money, risk assessing (oh the ruddy risk assessments!) and the hours of effort that has to go into these things - quite often all done in my own time - I put people together who are likely to cause less disruption in their groups.

That's not to say your DD is a troublemaker but if there's a group of 7 rather giddy/silly friend (common in Y7) I won't put them all together. Especially not in a dorm. Teachers spend hours pacing the corridors instead of sleeping because of noisy/silly groups of kids who won't sleep. I also have been known to put people in with others to make them grow and perhaps socialise outside their bubble. I'll never group people with those they've ever had issues with.

But being with others outside her group will, at the very worst, mean nothing changes for her friendship-wise but at the best, means she makes friends. Not a bad thing OP.

budgiegirl · 17/10/2021 17:42

@TheLasrStraw

Her primary school guaranteed one friend, but secondary doesn't.

If it's ok for that to happen to my DD, why not swap someone out so it happens to someone else and so give my DD one friend?

Wow, so it's ok to happen to someone else, as long as it's not your child?

I get it's disappointing for your daughter, and it is quite tough on her to feel left out, but I'm sure she'll be fine.
Unless there's a particular reason that your daughter can't share with the children she's been allocated (such as a bullying issue), then I don't think there's much to be done. After all, if you swap one child out of the dorm to be with your daughter, then the child going in won't be with her friends either. So it's just transferred the problem to another child - I can't see the teachers agreeing to that.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/10/2021 17:43

'That's good news darling - great chance to make some new friends. The more friends you have, the better.'

MissCruellaDeVil · 17/10/2021 19:05

I'm planning one and organising it so that friends aren't all together, there are a few exceptions, but all girls in one dorm etc would be hell; they wouldn't sleep!

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