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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He’s just not that into me, is he?

36 replies

Hesjustnotthstintomecom · 17/10/2021 16:29

I met a man six months ago. He was lovely and ambitious and everything I want in a man. We went on a couple of dates and everything seemed to be going well, and then he went silent. He told me he was not answering messages for a while and sort of went cold when I tried to initiate conversation. He says he’s not replying to anyone, not just me.

But then he got in touch to admit he is an alcoholic and is currently in the process of getting help. Which is why he’s quiet. He says it’s nothing to do with not liking me, but he doesn’t really know what he wants.

He also said I could ring him if I needed him, but he wouldn’t be answering texts.

I’ve just left him to it but am wondering whether I should remain in touch and try to explain that I’m here to talk, having mental health issues myself (though no experience of alcoholism, I don’t really drink except for the occasional, max twice a month one drink).

So do I hold out?

Or do I just rationalise and realise he’s just not that into me?

OP posts:
tailspin21 · 17/10/2021 16:30

Run far and run fast whether he's into you or not

secretbookcase · 17/10/2021 16:31

No, please don't hold out for scraps like this. You deserve more. Send him a brief text saying, 'Thank you for explaining. Good luck.' Nothing more.

Go out and date other men who are ready to meet someone and available.

Toottooot · 17/10/2021 16:32

Leave him alone.

Tal45 · 17/10/2021 16:32

He's an alcoholic. You already have mh struggle to deal with, please don't do this to yourself.

Rummikub · 17/10/2021 16:32

No stay away
You don’t know him so don’t try to build anything or think you can help him.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/10/2021 16:33

Him being into you or not should really be the least of your concerns. I speak from experience, just drop him, supporting addiction / recovery is not easy. Don't get involved.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/10/2021 16:34

Why in earth would you stick around in any capacity? Why are your boundaries and standards so low? This man has clearly shown you who he is. You should be running for the hills and blocking his number.

WorraLiberty · 17/10/2021 16:36

He's politely trying to tell you to leave him alone.

I think you need to accept that.

Aprilx · 17/10/2021 16:38

I don’t think it really matters whether he is into you or not. It doesn’t sounds like it is the right time for him and I also cannot see why you would get yourself embroiled in such a complicated situation. Leave him be.

Original poster
Hesjustnotthstintomecom · 17/10/2021 16:53

I think maybe because I’ve been through a lot of trauma I have this need to want to help people but I know really that I can’t and it’s something he needs to deal with in his own way.

And I know rationally he’s not into me - I guess I just really liked him and that little bit of me had hope but it’s just my head being stupid.

Thanks everyone! X

OP posts:
Penistoe · 17/10/2021 17:11

He’s an alcoholic. You can’t save him. Run.

sospspsp · 17/10/2021 17:13

@Hesjustnotthstintomecom

I think maybe because I’ve been through a lot of trauma I have this need to want to help people but I know really that I can’t and it’s something he needs to deal with in his own way.

And I know rationally he’s not into me - I guess I just really liked him and that little bit of me had hope but it’s just my head being stupid.

Thanks everyone! X

You've only been on a couple of dates?

Why do you want to try and rescue him?

Have you heard of co-dependency?

Have you had any therapy?

It seems that he has a better grip of what's appropriate than you do, which is a bit of a worry....

Have you any friends you can talk to?

caketiger · 17/10/2021 17:26

Read the book 'he's not that into you' it's a short funny read. I read it once married and she wished I'd read it ten years earlier.

Don't fall for the giving him sympathy sob story. It really is this simple if someone is into you you will know it as they will show it every day. And you deserve at least that.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 17/10/2021 17:28

He's not that into you AND he's massive bad news. Block and delete.

LowlandLucky · 17/10/2021 17:38

Leave the poor man alone, he needs to focus on recovering. Text and say you wish him well.

Original poster
Hesjustnotthstintomecom · 17/10/2021 17:41

I have literally already said in my original post that I have left him to it. I’m not hassling him at all.

OP posts:
AliceinBorderland · 17/10/2021 17:45

How old is he OP? What does he do. Is he able to work / function.

I'm sure the advice is not to date someone in recovery as you need to focus 100% on getting clean. But that leaves you in the same position. It doesn't matter his reasons he isn't available for waht you want.

Darkdarknights · 17/10/2021 17:46

He’s told you what the problem is. It’s not that he’s not into you, it’s that he’s an alcoholic and is concentrating on getting help. I don’t think it’s to do with you at all but leave him be and don’t get your hopes up that he will make a miraculous recovery and come running back to you.

Original poster
Hesjustnotthstintomecom · 17/10/2021 17:47

He is 30!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hesjustnotthstintomecom · 17/10/2021 17:47

Yeah I understand, I am just going wish him well and I really do hope he gets better.

OP posts:
WhereIsMumHiding3 · 17/10/2021 17:55

He's not that into you and he has major personal problems to deal with. You don't need to contact him again OP, you don't need to feel you could rescue him in anyway so please put away that thought quickly as it's a codependency thought.

I'd block and move on. Find yourself a man without problems to date- far easier and much more fun! You deserve a man without huge issues.

BestestBrownies · 17/10/2021 17:55

Alcoholics are nothing but leeches. They will bleed you dry and toss aside your empty husk in favour of the next enabling mug who falls for the sob story.

  1. Forget about this bloke you barely know.

  2. Get help for your saviour complex (or even better, turn it on yourself and be your own new project).

  3. Stay single until you’re able to choose healthy relationships.

Following these 3 steps will be hard work in the short term, but will save you years of heartache in the long run

OverweightPidgeon · 17/10/2021 17:58

You’ve done the right thing Op , but make sure you’ve reconciled with yourself that your not just leaving him alone ‘for now’ . He may well contact you again, don’t be drawn back in .

The only relationship an alcoholic has is with alcohol.

Fireflygal · 17/10/2021 18:06

I have this need to want to help people but I know really that I can’t

For you sake you need to explore this. It's co- dependency, trauma bonding or unhealthy empathic traits. The man mostly ghosted you,told you he was an alcoholic and you believe it's because he isn't into you.

A healthy response would have been. "Thanks for letting me know" (whilst breathing a massive sigh of relief) and blocking and moving on. There is nothing romantic or enticing about a relationship with an alcoholic.

This might sound harsh but if you feel attractive to victims then you need to figure why that is.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/10/2021 18:07

He sounds like trouble, who needs it?.