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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find my mum 'helping' so annoying!

27 replies

gotsthehots · 17/10/2021 14:59

I've always had a tricky relationship with my mum. She's always doing three hundred things at once and I can't cope with it!

DS (8 months) is going to nursery and when I go back to work, he'll have to stay until 5 on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. She thinks this is shocking and wants to pick him up at 2.30, pick my niece up at school at 3, drive her to gymnastics and meet me halfway between the gym and my work (which is on a busy road, at rush hour!).

We had a rough patch over washing for similar reasons... she was desperate to do it for us to help out, but I ended up carrying dirty laundry around and it was more hassle than it was worth.

She is furious with me for saying no, but I genuinely can't cope with that plan!

OP posts:

stairgates · 17/10/2021 15:04

Just be strong and tell her no. Baby will be absolutely much better off at nursery.

LawnFever · 17/10/2021 15:05

I can understand how you feel, I get the same when people try to ‘help’ but actually create more work!

Couldn’t your mum drop baby off at home, or take him home with her and you collect on your way back from work?

I agree meeting mid way on a busy road sounds like a pain.

Laserbird16 · 17/10/2021 15:06

I think your baby will enjoy nursery more than being jammed in the car. Say no. Let's your mum be annoyed, she'll live

Hummingbird427 · 17/10/2021 15:08

Logistically it doesn't work. She's putting her desire to help above practicalities.

You need to tell her she's causing more stress than helping. And she doesn't get to decide what is more or less stressful for you.

Her motivation is good and you should tell her that. But put this on endless repeat : "I decide what is stressful for me. Your plan is more stress. It doesn't help me. It adds more stress."

Especially since having a small toddler on the cusp of running around getting out of a car into another car on a busy road as the nights draw in and get dark / cold sounds disruptive, and frankly ridiculous.

Original poster

gotsthehots · 17/10/2021 15:13

Yes, exactly. He likes the car, but it's not practical! She makes me feel so bad about it!

OP posts:

GoldenOmber · 17/10/2021 15:15

YANBU to tell her no, that’s a bonkers plan. Some people get so fixated on Being Helpful that they lose sight entirely of whether they’re actually helping or not.

yoyo1234 · 17/10/2021 15:20

Jeepers ! That sounds like a lot of work and if your child is tired from nursery excitement getting in and out of cars etc I can see increasing the tiredness. Do what suits you. Do not listen to what merely adds complications.

StrongLegs · 17/10/2021 15:42

If she is not keen on nursery then it's probably because she thinks having multiple carers/settings will be disruptive for the child. You could try explaining that having her as well as the parents and the nursery staff would actually be even more disruptive, as it would be then three different sets of carers rather then two, with a whole extra set of handovers to manage.

MRex · 17/10/2021 15:46

Stupid idea. Hard "no". If she wants to have him one morning or afternoon when she has no DN responsibilities so she can focus on the baby and can collect/drop at your house then fine, anything else is a no thanks.

WishMyNameWasWittyNotShitty · 17/10/2021 15:51

If you want to save arguments, just explain that you will still get charged for the full day at nursery even if he is picked up early (morning sessions are normally on until 11.30), and it her help would be more suited for when you wanted a night out/day to yourself etc.
It's lovely she wants to help, bit I totally get that sometimes help does hinder!

NeverTheHootenanny · 17/10/2021 15:51

I feel your pain. I hate when people try to force unsolicited help or advice, I often think it’s more about their need to control and make decisions than it is about actually helping.

He’ll be much better off spending those hours at nursery playing and interacting with other children than sat in the back of her car doing nothing.

I wouldn’t even entertain the conversation really. Just say no thanks. Let her be furious. I’d actually also be asking her what it is that she’s so furious about, I bet it’s more about her and her need for control than about what’s best for you or your DC.

PennyWus · 17/10/2021 15:54

There's too much risk of an unscheduled nap driving a baby around like that which would wreck night time sleep. Babies are fine In good quality childcare all day, i would not permit the guilt trip , just kindly and firmly tell her no

DrunkenKoala · 17/10/2021 15:57

She is furious with me for saying no.

It’s not up to her. You know this isn’t going to work for you, so stick to your guns. I’d leave her to be furious, she sounds controlling.

CSIblonde · 17/10/2021 16:00

Its not help tho, because it's all about what she wants, not what works for you. How does she react when unprompted, you ask for help the way you need it? Time to be assertive & have some boundaries. Once you've done it once, it's empowering, trust me!

Elieza · 17/10/2021 16:03

Stick to your guns

As pp have said, tell her it’s the same cost as you need to pay for the full day and he will be his wee pals. Plus he will fall asleep in the car and it will mess up his sleep routine at night.

Find something that would actually be a help and get her to do that instead?

She perhaps just ‘needs to be needed’. Or measures her own worth by what she does for others. I have a friend like that. It comes from low self esteem. She won’t change though. Her life is full of doing stuff for others and nothing for herself. Sad really.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 17/10/2021 16:06

Bonkers plan. Child will be happier and safer in day care. Not her decision. Shes offered, you've said no. Thats it decided

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/10/2021 16:14

Bonkers plan - why in earth drag a baby from pillar to post in a car when the baby can be having a great time at nursery?

diddl · 17/10/2021 16:24

She can be as furious as she likes-you still don't have to do what she wants.

What does she hope to achieve by being furious?

You backing away & her seeing less of you & her GS?

Topseyt · 17/10/2021 16:36

Stick to your guns. Her plan is utterly ridiculous.

Your baby will be better off and far more settled in nursery for those few hours than being dragged from pillar to post in the back of her car. As you know, you will still have to pay for the full day at nursery anyway so you might as well use it.

You are the parent. It's your decision, not hers. It doesn't stop her being your emergency childcare if DS should become ill and need to be collected early when you can't get back.

picklemewalnuts · 17/10/2021 16:40

Nice idea Mum, but he's far better off at nursery with the toys and babies than waiting in the car and watching gymnastics.

Mulhollandmagoo · 17/10/2021 16:43

She will get over it, her pride is probably a little bruised because you said no. Don't mention it again to her and just let the dust settle and before long it'll all be forgotten. You know you've done the right thing so you just need to have confidence in that

Imnothereforthedrama · 17/10/2021 16:48

Do what’s easier for you and tell mum this . Say thanks mum but it’s more of a hassle for me doing it your way so thanks for the help I appreciate it but no thanks .

BeMoreQueer · 17/10/2021 16:49

Rather than put her off think carefully and direct her energies in a way that fulfills her desire to support you and spend time with her grandchildren but also works for you

You cannot begin to truly appreciate the privilege having a mum that gives a shit is unless you’ve seen up close the long term consequences of someone who doesn’t or you have lost one who cared

SingingSands · 17/10/2021 16:51

That sounds stressful. It's also a bit of a waste - it's not like she'd be spending quality time with him, she'd be strapping him and out the car multiple times, which isn't going to be much fun for your wee boy.

Roystonv · 17/10/2021 16:52

Sounds the right decision to me but as a Gran if you could suggest an alternative way for her to help you then both of you could get the benefit.

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