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Original poster

Getting married and selling house when DC are at uni

27 replies

crystalsandpearls · 17/10/2021 14:49

Me and DP are discussing getting married, I am divorced and have two kids with my ex DH. Me and DP don't live together. My youngest is in his first year at university and oldest in their third year. They both live at uni but obviously come home during the holidays and for visits every now and again. What do you think of selling my house and buying a house with DP. I don't want the kids thinking I'm turfing them out or moving on now that they are adults.

OP posts:
Tagcurious · 17/10/2021 14:52

I would only do this if they still had a bedroom. I know a few young people who now don’t have a room in their parent’s house and I think it’ll very unsettling for them.

SpindelWhorl · 17/10/2021 14:54

I wouldn't do it. I didn't do it.

Has he got DC too?

HollowTalk · 17/10/2021 14:54

Why are you thinking of getting married without living together, OP?

unicornsarereal72 · 17/10/2021 14:57

My mum moved house when I was at university. She had a spare room of either my sister and I wanted to visit but it wasn't 'my' room. It was the deciding factor in me remaining in my university town when I started looking for work.

Grenlei · 17/10/2021 14:57

@Tagcurious

I would only do this if they still had a bedroom. I know a few young people who now don’t have a room in their parent’s house and I think it’ll very unsettling for them.
^^ Exactly this. DP and I were talking about getting a place together while my DC were still at home, we haven't as yet, but if we did I've been very clear there needed to be a room for each of them equivalent to their room in their current home.

I had a couple of friends when I was at uni whose parents did this, one guys parents moved to Spain in his first year (and they were living in a 1 bed apartment so not even room for him to stay) and another's parents moved to a much smaller house where he and his sibling had to share a room if they visited at the same time.

It really affected their relationships with their parents.

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 17/10/2021 14:57

I would always live together before marriage! Living together is a different ball game to just staying over occasionally 😊

Beamur · 17/10/2021 14:57

I think it's fine as long as you still make them welcome and have a room that's theirs. It won't be needed as 'theirs' indefinitely but if you don't/can't do this I think they will feel pushed out.
We swapped bedrooms round once DSC were at Uni, but not immediately and we spoke with them about it.

ftw163532 · 17/10/2021 14:58

@HollowTalk

Why are you thinking of getting married without living together, OP?
This is my first question too.
Ledition · 17/10/2021 15:01

How will getting married effect their inheritance? That would be my main concern and is a reason I'll never remarry, it's just unnecessary. Can't you just live together? I appreciate your circumstances might make things different but for me I'd feel a bit ridiculous getting married again.

Tal45 · 17/10/2021 15:07

How long have you been together? Does he have kids? I wouldn't marry anyone without living with them first. Could he come and live at yours and rent his place out for a while to see how it works?

Original poster
crystalsandpearls · 17/10/2021 15:11

Of course the children will both a room for them, me and DP decided not to live together while my children were still at school. I just don't when the right time would be to move, is it best to wait until they both leave home for good to move in with DP but I don't know how long that will be. I do admit that I feel that I am being selfish and I should put my DC's needs before mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
crystalsandpearls · 17/10/2021 15:12

That should say know, I've just noticed that I forgot to put it in

OP posts:
Watchingyou2sleezes · 17/10/2021 15:15

If you can afford a reasonably sized house I'd say do it. A tiny pokey little cottage or what not then don't. They'll be pissing off in a few years and your living arrangements will be a long way down the list of factors influencing where they live.

Grenlei · 17/10/2021 15:16

Can you not live together in your current house first before thinking about buying one together?

Having made the mistake of buying a house with the wrong person (and it taking years to resolve the financial mess that resulted) DP and I are in agreement that we won't buy until we've lived together properly for at least a year - although we can't live together currently as we are 200 miles apart and both need to stay in our respective areas for the next couple of years.

MrMrsJones · 17/10/2021 15:19

Does your exhusband have a room for the children?

Your children are now adults, why do you need to put your life on hold, just in case they need a room.

Just have a spare bedroom if they want to come and visit.

I have a 2 bed house and 3 children, partner has 3 children all over 18, they can come visit

Original poster
crystalsandpearls · 17/10/2021 15:23

Yes my DC both have a bedroom at their Dad's

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 17/10/2021 15:25

I personally wouldn’t do it until the youngest has finished Uni, and I’d give both kids plenty of warning that it’s going to happen.

30mph · 17/10/2021 15:28

Just in case you don't realise - his income will count towards the student finance calculation, once you live together.

Citygirl2019 · 17/10/2021 15:33

My DC are exactly the same as your DC age wise. Mine are also in their 1st and 3rd year at uni.

I have a DP and we plan to live together, but this won't be until my youngest has finished uni. My reasoning being I don't want them to feel they don't have a home to come home too in the holidays.

Also, it would impact in student finance, so that's another consideration.

We are making the most of having a kid free house, my DP stays over more, which has been a great way to see how we get ok without the commitment of living together.

Original poster
crystalsandpearls · 17/10/2021 15:35

@Citygirl2019 That sounds like a good plan, DP has been staying over more now that both the DC have been at uni

OP posts:
NotAnotherPushyMum · 17/10/2021 15:36

My mil moved into her new husbands house when DH was at university. Despite reassurances that there was always a bed there for him and he was still welcome any time he never stayed a single night and preferred to stay at his dads where he still had ‘his’ room. I absolutely agree that you shouldn’t put your life on hold for adult children, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences for doing so.

Merlotmmm · 17/10/2021 15:43

What on earth? You have every right to have a life, OP. You are not being selfish at all by looking to move house now and if your kids object they have forgotten you are a person, not just a mum.

billy1966 · 17/10/2021 15:45

I would not be marrying a man that I haven't lived with.

What is HIS like?

Is it tidy and clean?
If not, don't dream of moving in with him, much less marry.

Be very slow to give up your home and independence.

Is he generous with you?
If he's not?
Don't do this.

You have too much to lose.

Flowers
AgnesXNitt · 17/10/2021 15:50

Also worth thinking about the impact on your DC's student loan entitlement. May not matter if they're already only getting the minimum but your DPs income will be taken into account if you move in together.

TillyDevon · 17/10/2021 15:53

I would talk to your children if that feels right for you - I know I would still want them to know they are loved unconditionally and care how they felt at the idea , or want to discuss why you felt it the right thing. I think this is still helpful even with them at near independence. They may support you and either way they’ll feel considered too