Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To want a sleep in?

28 replies

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:16

Me and my husband work opposite shifts. I usually work 4 days a week starting in the morning about 4 to 5 am. He works the nights, 2 overnights a week, and 3 finishes abour 2 am
I am up at 3 am the days I work. And then I get up with the toddler on my days off. Usual wake up currently is 5 am to about 6
I want a sleep in. Every day I'm up between 3 and 5
I don't dispute that he's tired. I know he's tired. I'm bloody exhausted. I've been in hospital with her last week. And now she's got that cold going around which means the little sleep I'm getting is even worse.
When I ask him to please let me sleep for just another hour he puts on this pathetic whingy voice.
I know he's tired but I'm starting to resent him.
And for reasons I cannot fathom the days I'm at work little girl doesn't wake till 7 to half 7. But when I'm off work it's 5 am wake up. I dont know why.
We don't have childcare. We looked at a childminder or nursery but the cost and the changing of our shift patterns just means its not feasible.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 17/10/2021 12:24

What's his reasoning behind you not having a lie-in?

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:26

That he's tired and she responds better to me on a morning. The other common answer i get is that I only work 3 to 4 days a week whereas he does 5.
I do 3 to 4 shifts a week for my mental health. And for childcare.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 17/10/2021 12:27

Honestly, fuck that lol.

She responds better to you because she's used to you being there. Things won't improve for him in that respect until he gets some practise in - so he'd best start as soon as possible.

He's just being lazy.

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:29

I know he's tired. And I appreciate how hard he works. I suggested that on the nights he finishes at 2 he get up with her the next morning just for an extra hour. I have no issue getting up with her on the days he does overnight. But he said no and that he can't help his shifts.
I have had no sleep now for coming up 36 hours. Shes full of cold. He came home and gone to bed. Haven't seen him since 4 am this morning

OP posts:

MrMrsJones · 17/10/2021 12:30

What is the bed time routine the nights before she wakes up at 7am?

marykitty · 17/10/2021 12:32

Can he reasonably do it? I mean, If he works overnight or is back at 2AM can he physically be awake at 6AM?

I know my DH could not do it, even if he wants to.

This might be a "terrible mom" advice but sometimes when I am super tired, it's 6 AM, my DH is going to the office etc, I make my toddler watch an animal documentary and we cuddle on the sofa

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:32

Her bedtime routine is exactly the same. I do it every night.
Tea at half 4
Play time till half 5
Bath at 5 45
Loves a bath so doesn't get out till about 6 15
Story and sippy of milk.
In bed by 6 30.
That works for her. Any later and she's a total crank.
It might vary by minutes but usually shes out by 6 30.

OP posts:

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 17/10/2021 12:34

On nights that he finishes at 2am, what time does he get home? Is it a long commute? On these nights, what time have you finished work?

That will influence! E.g if you finished work at 4pm, he finished at 2am then gets home at 3am and then you'd like him to get up at 5am with the DC that does sound a BU.

Does your DC need a better bedtime routine?

CareerConcerns1999 · 17/10/2021 12:34

What time is he home when he does overnight?

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:36

@marykitty

Can he reasonably do it? I mean, If he works overnight or is back at 2AM can he physically be awake at 6AM?

I know my DH could not do it, even if he wants to.

This might be a "terrible mom" advice but sometimes when I am super tired, it's 6 AM, my DH is going to the office etc, I make my toddler watch an animal documentary and we cuddle on the sofa

She is not a cuddly toddler. Once she's up it's all systems go. Today is the first time she's cuddled on the sofa with me in a long while and Im fairly certain it's cos she has a cold. I get that he's tired. And maybe we're both being unreasonable but I'm really starting to resent him. I've just woken him up cos j need to go to aldi for food shopping. He's had 8 hours sleep now. And he's acting like he's dying. I was up 11 times with her last night with her feeling crappy. But I just get on with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:38

@HoHoHoHoHoHoHo

On nights that he finishes at 2am, what time does he get home? Is it a long commute? On these nights, what time have you finished work?

That will influence! E.g if you finished work at 4pm, he finished at 2am then gets home at 3am and then you'd like him to get up at 5am with the DC that does sound a BU.

Does your DC need a better bedtime routine?

We have to taxi home. So when he finishes at 2 I usually leave the house at 3 on the days I'm working. He's usually home by 20 past 2. About a 10 minute taxi ride home. I usually do 4 am till 2 pm. He usually naps between noon and 2 when she naps. When I get home I take over the parenting. I will make tea and do her bedtime routine. His overnights are always Friday and Saturday and are 8 hour shifts. Currently they are 8 till 4. I have no issue getting up on the overnight mornings. None whatsoever.

OP posts:

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:43

Sorry I know its a strange routine.

On a day we're both working
I get up at 3am and go to work
I work till 2 pm
He will get up with little girl about 7 to half 7
He will nap when she goes down about noon
I get home at half 2 ish
I take over
We eat tea together
I do her bedtime routine while he gets ready for work
He leaves between 6 to 7 pm
Returns at about 2 20 pm
I then go back to work

If I'm off I will get up with little one whenever she wakes which when it's me who's up with her is usually about half 5

OP posts:

CareerConcerns1999 · 17/10/2021 12:46

So aside from 1.5-2 he lunchtime nap, he is awake 7.30am to 3am, then back up at 7.30am the next day?

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:48

@CareerConcerns1999

So aside from 1.5-2 he lunchtime nap, he is awake 7.30am to 3am, then back up at 7.30am the next day?

Usually when I come home at half 2 he will go back to bed. And stay there till tea time. Sorry I'm not trying to drip feed.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 17/10/2021 12:49

That sounds unbelievably tough on both of you, no wonder you are at breaking point. I cant quite work out from what you say how much sleep you are both getting. It doesnt sound like there is enough sleep in the system tbh. Are you going to bed at 6.30pm when your dd does?

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:51

@Porcupineintherough

I usually get a bath after she goes to bed and then sort out dinners for the following day for us to take to work. Im usually in bed about half 8 to 9.

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 17/10/2021 12:53

So on days you are both working you get, what, 6 hours of sleep. What about on the other 4 days?

Jumpingintochristmas · 17/10/2021 12:54

It’s unsustainable for you both. To continue like this you need to change your entire sleep patterns with you going to bed around 7.30pm most nights to increase your sleep.

It’s understandable that your DH naps if his sleep pattern in 12-2 (2) plus 3-7 (4) because that’s not continuous quality sleep five days a week.

You are understandably exhausted, but you both need to look at the bigger picture as currently it’s terrible all round.

marykitty · 17/10/2021 12:54

I think you probably need childcare, I don't think this is sustainable long term, from both mental and physical health perspective.

I do absolutely understand why you crave a lie in and you deserve one, but I also understand why someone working night shift would not feel up to it.

HoHoHoHoHoHoHo · 17/10/2021 12:54

This does sound so so tough! I don't think YABU in wanting to lie in, but I don't think the current working routine is going to allow it looking at the timings etc. Is this your plan to continue with these shifts?

Could your DD be occasionally dropped off for sleepovers with your parents or PIL if they're in the picture and able / willing to give you a break at all? Not sure what family support you have around you but wondered if it was worth the suggestion!

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 12:58

We can't afford nursery. The costs would cripple us financially. We have my parents round here but they also work shifts so finding it to coincide is impossible
We did look into a childminder but our days change every week so it would be impossible to say what days we need
It's not feasible to continue but I dont know what else to do.
I am looking for a new job but nothing has come back.
I know he's exhausted and i know I am and there's definitely resentment building on my side.

OP posts:

Arren12 · 17/10/2021 13:11

I do think yabu if I have read your timings right hes getting 4 hours sleep and you have potential to get 7 or 8. However it sounds tough for you both and its unsustainable.

You both need to look for another job.

Porcupineintherough · 17/10/2021 13:31

Just throwing ideas out here, feel free to ignore. What if you worked more hours but paid for some childcare so you got more sleep? Would that work? Would it be easier to find a non shift work job if you did more hours?

Original poster

foreverinadaze · 17/10/2021 13:46

@Porcupineintherough

Looking for a new job is a definite priority. Its just finding one. Bloody nightmare

OP posts:

Gladioli23 · 17/10/2021 13:53

I don't know how feasible it is, but would it be possible to even pay for one day's child care a week? Whoever ends up off that day might be able to catch up on chores or batch cook food, and then more sleeping could be fitted in at night?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread