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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

dealing with parents estate

27 replies

masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 07:51

both my parents passed away since december my father died first and everything was left to my mother when she passed away the house was left to myself and the money was to be divided between her six sons. i am now starting to go through everything as ive had health issues and have noticed that theres £4000 unaccounted for in my parents account by unnacounted i mean i know where most of it has went or theres still a large some left and i dont think theres anything innapropriate went on i just think mum enjoyed buyying things online clothes and things for home as well as doing removations to home and i think thats where i think most of the £4000 went but im concerned that there will be questions or suspicion if i cant show how this money was spent or where it went any suggestions?

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GoodnightGrandma · 17/10/2021 07:56

If she was alive when the money went out of her account I can’t see the problem.
Have you got her statement ? Can you see if the money went out of a cash machine or as an online purchase ? Was she physically able to make these purchases ?
Did you have access to her bank card ?

Iwouldratherbemuckingout · 17/10/2021 07:57

I'm sorry you've lost both your parents, that's really tough.
If the money was spent before your mum died, I can't see why anyone would ask for it to be accounted for as it was your mums money to do what she wanted with her. The only issue is if money disappeared after your mum died.

PotteringAlong · 17/10/2021 08:00

by unnacounted i mean i know where most of it has went

If you know where the money went then it’s not unaccounted for! As others have said, of it left the account before your mum died then there is no issue.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

IsleofRum · 17/10/2021 08:01

As long as you can prove that you tried to account for the money and have tried to trace it then you can do little more.

The bank should be able to give you back statements or online copies with evidence of being executor.

If spent as cash especially on a cash in hand project then perhaps you could get a quote from a tradesman to show "£4000 cash taken out in July 2021, photo taken today of conservatory looking brand new, quote from Stiggins Ltd for new conservatory for £4000.

Are you anticipating argie-bargie from the beneficiaries?

Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 08:05

it was definatly before she passed the money was transferred from her savings account which she couldnt use to spend the money to another where she could spend it its the only one i have a statement for i did have access to her card which is why i am concerned but only used it with her concent - when i did a food shop or if she wanted money withdrawn so she could have money in house to pay cleaners or window cleaners for example

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MRex · 17/10/2021 08:09

If money left her account being spent on things online then it would be by card, so that makes it accounted for. If it was cash withdrawals and you can't find the cash then check the house carefully for hiding spots; if you don't find it then you'll have to assume it's been spent. I'm not clear on why you think there's going to be some suspicion; was your mum reliant on you for financial purchases while she was alive? Will your brothers think you used her card / cash? Depending on the house and money value, if it seems a particularly uneven split then perhaps you can put the £4k in as a nice gesture.

Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 08:10

isle of rum theres already been argy bargy from others in family but i think thats more to do with them trying to throw shade as they were never there i was ones nose was out of joint because he wasnt named as exutor said that other brothers have told him that anything has to go through him when things are being dealt with supposedly theyve refused to give me theyre contact details and this brother contantly tries to come to house to try to throw his weight about altough he refused to help when parents were in poor health

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Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 08:12

mrex i have a toxic family resentfull i have been named as exector and been left house but thats only because they did nothing to help before parents passed away

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CampagVelocet · 17/10/2021 08:14

If your father left money to your mother, then it's not for you or anyone else to question how she spent it; it was her money. You don't have to explain it.

MRex · 17/10/2021 08:14

Sorry, cross-posted. If there's been regular weekly cleaner / window cleaner expense, then you should be able to account for that. Food shopping; did you pay by your card to be able to look up the bills? Seems like £4k would all go quite quickly in a year's worth of food and cleaners. If you go back a few years on the savings account, then it should be straightforward to show that she had a similar amount of regular withdrawal going back for years for her cash purchases. Do you see that on her statements?

KitchenKrisis · 17/10/2021 08:15

Is it in the will that you have been left the house?
You have six brothers?

Money is taken from date of death. I can't see what anything previous would count for?

How much money is there for the brothers?

Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 08:17

i know camp doesnt stop accusations and suspicion though money brings out the worst in people only two days after my mother passed away she hadnt even been cremated and one started going on at me about his inheritance

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MRex · 17/10/2021 08:19

@masterofdoomv1

isle of rum theres already been argy bargy from others in family but i think thats more to do with them trying to throw shade as they were never there i was ones nose was out of joint because he wasnt named as exutor said that other brothers have told him that anything has to go through him when things are being dealt with supposedly theyve refused to give me theyre contact details and this brother contantly tries to come to house to try to throw his weight about altough he refused to help when parents were in poor health
It's unusual for most parents to punish children through preferential treatment toa particular sibling in a will, regardless of what nursing care the child may or may not have given them. It's possible that you being the "most special / favoured" child will have contributed to you siblings' behaviour. It's your parents at fault for doing that, but then it's up to all of you to try to fix those relationships as adults, if you want to.
GastronomicDelights · 17/10/2021 08:23

If your brothers are going to start creating waves over £4k which there's a reasonable explanation for, then they're always going to find something to create waves about, justified or not.

HMRC are pretty rigorous. If you can show things to their standards then you've done all you can.

LawnFever · 17/10/2021 08:26

Sorry for your loss, it must be very difficult to deal with losing both parents so close.

With the money, how would anyone else even know what amount was in her account at an earlier date? Your mum was entitled to spend her money however she liked before she passed away.

Wouldn’t any statements family members see now be from now, so they can’t question what’s happened to money previously?

Is there a solicitor dealing with the estate, who is the executor, they can help you.

Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 08:36

mrex dont you dare blame my parents one brother is a compulsive liar lied to his mother last year about having cancer when he know mum was in final stage of terminal ilness she had another so called brother was asked in january to help as i was told mum didnt have long to live and i had lost my father in december i was told to wind my neck in stop playing victim was told there was plenty of angencies that could help then another got into trouble breaking into houses stealing cars etc it was left to me to confort my mother for her final months when she lay there begging and crying he didnt want to die i had to get up to see to her 5 or 6 times a night i was seeing to her i was with 24 7 other brothers made theyre choices thats on theyre concience

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Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 08:38

i litteraly had to wipe her behind and feed her so it wasnt about favouritsm it was about doing the right thing for somebody that had been there for them

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Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 08:39

and kitchen theres 32 thousand to be split 6 ways

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MRex · 17/10/2021 08:54

@masterofdoomv1

mrex dont you dare blame my parents one brother is a compulsive liar lied to his mother last year about having cancer when he know mum was in final stage of terminal ilness she had another so called brother was asked in january to help as i was told mum didnt have long to live and i had lost my father in december i was told to wind my neck in stop playing victim was told there was plenty of angencies that could help then another got into trouble breaking into houses stealing cars etc it was left to me to confort my mother for her final months when she lay there begging and crying he didnt want to die i had to get up to see to her 5 or 6 times a night i was seeing to her i was with 24 7 other brothers made theyre choices thats on theyre concience
I'm sorry you have a difficult family. It is useful however for you to take on board that the will split would be unusual in any normal family; you will struggle to understand why your brothers are upset about it if you don't do that.
Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 08:58

its not unusual at all its been explained mrex my brothers chose not to help theyre dying parents yet your saying they have every right to be upset that they didnt have a share of the house thats been my home for 20 years seems strange that youve been told the situation but seem to think my brothers are the ones who are victims and me and parents are in the wrong

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LondonGrimmer · 17/10/2021 09:05

So the six brothers will be getting around £5k each, so £4k does sound a lot to them. Like others have said it was all accounted for when your mum was alive so please try not to worry.

I'm so sorry you've lost both of your parents within such a short period Sad You have had the most difficult year,caring for your mum in every way and holding her hand until she passed away. That's traumatic and I hope one day if you feel you need it and can afford it you might get counselling.

Your brothers sound toxic and some are no doubt adding to your stress right now. Hopefully the solicitors can handle most of it for you as I can imagine there will be bad feelings around you getting the house.

GastronomicDelights · 17/10/2021 09:05

Something can be simultaneously unusual but justified.

In most families, the estate is split equally. In my family, the estate was split equally even though one of the offspring spent over a decade caring for the parents, while the others lived hundreds of miles away and did very little. If they hadn't done that then they would have earned a lot more money, and the estate would have been eaten into by care fees far more than it was. So, you could make a very logical argument for an unequal split. It still didn't happen that way!

I can see why your parents made the decision to leave you the house. I can also see that it's not the most common way these things are done. Whether or not your brothers think it's fair is an entirely separate matter, but it may be colouring their views.

MRex · 17/10/2021 09:05

You're having a hard time and of course you're very upset @masterofdoomv1. I'm not for a moment suggesting that you've done the wrong thing, you have the family you have and it sounds unfortunately like there are some bad relationships there. What I'm trying to explain to you is that in most families, that financial split would be unusual, that's just a fact. Because it's unusual, your brothers are more likely to feel snubbed by their parents because of it, and accordingly upset or angry with you. It's not your fault, but if you understand their emotions it'll be easier to work out how to deal with them.

Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 09:09

wow im going to delete this board

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Original poster
masterofdoomv1 · 17/10/2021 09:11

ok i cant see how to delete the board but yes poor brothers lying to theyre parents about having cancer refusing to help them getting into trouble with the police and cause them heartache happily sitting back and letting one get on with it and now of course theyre victims yeah right

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