To take my child out of nursery.

[Lw87]

I have severe health anxiety. He started in September, every single week he has a new cough and cold. I'm so anxious. He had bronch as a newborn and was seriously unwell with it and I'm absolutely traumatised. I can't cope with it at all I am constantly on edge and anxious because he's never well at the moment. He shifts one cough and cold, has 3 days where he's fine then he's got another. I started him at nursery because he's a lockdown baby (22 months old) and hadn't socialised but I'm so tempted to just take him out and keep him at home with me. I am really really struggling with the constant anxiety I'm not sleeping or eating properly. I have sought help and I'm on a waiting list for EMDR (OCD, HA and PTSD) but I just feel he'd be safer at home.

OP with the greatest of respect, you need to get a hold of your anxiety before you pass it on to your child. You have a small window of opportunity to not pass it on - take it! As a teacher, i see so many anxieties passed down onto children and it's sad.

It's September, start of a new season and the beginning of kids being together again after the summer. Coughs and colds are common and they're good for kids. Every single year im snivelling from September to November because I just catch everything going! You're hugely overreacting

@Lw87

I just can't stand the unknown feeling that comes with these colds. Is it going to turn into something more sinister. He's off his food but always is when he has a cold, I just can't live like this anymore

No, it's not. It's a cold.

Are you receiving treatment for your anxieties OP?

@SylvanasWindrunner

Maybe look on it as the fact he is getting colds is actually a good thing for his health. Kids need to have their immune system challenged by germs.

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/may/21/most-common-childhood-cancer-partly-caused-by-lack-of-infection

'Clean modern homes, antiseptic wipes and the understandable desire to protect small babies against any infection are all part of the cause of the most common form of childhood cancer, a leading expert has concluded after more than 30 years of research.'

I think considering the OP has health anxiety, i don't think this is going to help that. Your feelings are ones I've once had. I still now get the shakes when i hear the norovirus is doing the rounds. Speak to your GP about your concerns and anxiety. It took me a long time to realise that my anxiety had to come second. My DC needed to be around other kids and catch bugs and build their immunity. The first few bugs are tough but they get easier as their immune system is building. My DC have just gone through the works this last month (norovirus, croup, back to back cold, hfm), but i know they will be fine for a while now. Its not nice knowing they do effectively get ill from nursery/childcare but the on the flip side i have seen the effects of children not being exposed to mid viruses in the past and they suffer quite bad meaning school life is effected for longer periods of time. I hope you understand that the way your feeling is how all parents feel. Its how you now deal with your feelings/anxieties that counts. Good luck OP and don't be so hard on yourself. Being a parent means making decisions we don't always feel comfortable with for the greater good.

A child that young doesn't NEED to be in nursery for its own sake. But OP, realistically, if you pulled them out now, would anything have changed with you by the time you re-entered them/they had to start actual school?

He will bring home many bugs whether it is at nursery or when he starts school, you will most likely catch a lot of them as well. I had never had Hand, Foot & Mouth, Norovirus, Slapped Cheek before, but I caught them all from ds, there are many worse things, the first time they bring home head lice or Impetigo you want to go in to hiding, but it is all part of being a parent.

@Muttly

Absolutely take him out if you feel it is best. You can bring him to toddler groups to socialise. I work, I always have, my kids have always had childcare and I have used nurseries on and off but an ENT consultant reminded us that young infants have a developing immune system and nursery is very challenging for that system. I used one because I needed it to work but if I didn’t have to I wouldn’t use one until preschool.

I totally agree with this poster. If there’s no need for him to be in a nursery I would just take him out. You can find other activities for him where he can socialise. It’s not an inevitable part of childhood that babies must go to nurseries.

People saying your baby will suffer if you take him out of nursery hold different opinions. That’s fine and well but you won’t cause your son mental health issues by choosing to keep him with you.

Please remember that if he doesn't build his immune system now, he will feel it when he goes to school and has to be around 30 other kids 5 days a week.

I'm an early years practitioner and have worked with immunocompromised children who still attended preschool when they were well enough, because of the direct benefit it had for them. I hope you can find something that works to help your anxiety.

It's down to your situation really. Like others have said most have to use childcare so there isn't an option there. If he is getting on well and happy I wouldn't do it. If he is constantly suffering maybe I would although he will still get cold throughout his childhood.

Well if you pull out it means he misses out on a different kind of play and socialisation that can be really stimulating for a young child, and you're not giving him the chance to develop his immune system meaning that he'll miss quite a bit of school when he starts. The benefits to pulling him out are all to yourself, and none for him. Do you think it's fair to let your health anxiety affect him to that extent?

You need to do everything you can to control you anxiety. Medication and CBT are not cures , they are treatments which will make the symptoms of your anxiety manageable. So many people think they can be "fixed" and when it doesn't work give up, there will be a root cause to your anxiety and helping understand it will help your rational part of your brain take control BUT you won't one day be a take it all in your stride mum without any effort, you will have to fight to be like that, some days the battle will be harder than others, and you must fight for it so you don't pass your anxiety to your child!!

@MaryShelley1818

Help him build his immune system by leaving him in (and I say that as someone who had such severe health anxiety I developed PND and was suicidal after having DS as he was poorly with viruses so often). He's now almost 4 and from the age of about 14mths has never been ill apart from the odd snotty nose. DD age 8mths starts nursery in 2wks and I'm terrified but I know I can't keep her in a bubble forever or she'll suffer much worse when she does start mixing.

I'm sorry, it's awful xx

Don't you think though with DD2 it won't be as bad? It's always worse with first children because they haven't been exposed to anything but your DD will have had her sibling bringing home all sorts from school.

I totally agree with this poster. If there’s no need for him to be in a nursery I would just take him out. You can find other activities for him where he can socialise. It’s not an inevitable part of childhood that babies must go to nurseries.

People saying your baby will suffer if you take him out of nursery hold different opinions. That’s fine and well but you won’t cause your son mental health issues by choosing to keep him with you.

Now, I'm never one to champion sending littlies to nursery and I don't believe for a moment that they need it. I never sent my own until very nearly 3. That said, I do believe that if you've got health anxiety, pandering to it by putting off the inevitable is not a good plan. If the only reason she wants to keep her son at home is because she worries about him picking up bugs, I would not advise her keeping him at home. It's not healthy to plan your life around avoiding things that cause anxiety and it's particularly unhealthy to plan your child's like that way.

I’d take him out and socialise him at groups etc. It’s an expensive bill to pay if a parent is available to look after him anyway. I’d rather put that money in savings for them for house deposits etc.

*child's life

The bugs do get better though, DD started nursery at the beg of Covid, first day of the pandemic 🤣 at six months old… she would get everything going at first, had to self isolate a lot due to temps 🤷‍♀️ But a year and half later she gets cold yes, but she’s a lot more resistant to everything going around.

Personally I’d leave your child at nursery, the nursery will be a more positive setting for your DC. Also you will need the child care for when the EMDR comes through. Could you pay to go private for it? With winter approaching bugs are going to become rife….. even not in a nursery setting they will be. Might be worth getting help sooner rather than later into the winter season… or potentially another lockdown if things get grim again

He doesn’t need to be in three days a week at 22 months to be socialised - you could take him out and about to loads of groups and to meet other parents for playtime. But I wouldn’t take him out of nursery just because you’re anxious about germs. I’d get some help/therapy to deal with the health anxiety.

If it helps, my daughter has also been constantly unwell since starting mursery in September. She’s completed only one full week so far…

One thing I was taught when dealing with anxiety was to write down concerns, then decide if I could physically do anything to inprove the situation - if I couldn’t then just let it go and if I could then write down how. In your situation what you can do is treat the illness with medicine, keep an eye and take him to the doctors if you feel he needs to be seen. What you shouldn’t be doing is considering taking him out of nursery as in the end you are prolonging the inevitable.

Every cold he gets is more immunity for when he is older. So try taking solice in that. Also, sadly colds are expected to be worse right now as we come out of the pandemic and mix more. And that is something you cannot change, so don’t worry about it.

OP I TOTALLY relate. I won't go into the details of what happened to my daughter but I was completely traumatised like you and anxious every time she got an infection which was extremely often at nursery! It's much improved now she's older and her immune system is a little more robust but is still very regular. With every infection it became easier to relax. I think if you pull him out of nursery it's just you avoiding as opposed to addressing your (understandable) anxiety and it'll only make it worse. It's great uoure seeking help and I can assure you it'll get easier to cope with xx

Why did you put him in? WS it so you could work

Was - not some abbreviation

DD was unwell constantly with almost back to back illnesses for the first 3-4 months after starting nursery and then it started to get better.

I considered taking her out not because I was worried about it but because it was a PITA and kept obliterating nice plans we had and had to cancel because she had a lurgy.

I'm glad we persevered because otherwise we would have had to start the whole palaver again at school. As it is, she's just started school and so far only had a couple of mild colds.

If you don’t need nursery for childcare, you really don’t need to send him. He really doesn’t need to socialise with other babies at 22 months unless you never go out! You’d be better taking him to toddler groups at that age.

Be same when he starts school. Least he building up his immunity now.

No it doesn’t work like that; youdon’t build up immunity to colds as they are all different. If we developed immunity, we would stop getting them by a certain age. As it is, people in their 60s and 70s still get colds!

Do you think If you took him out of nursery you would go to the groups? Or if another toddler was sneezing and coughing would it put you off and not go back? Could you reduce nursery to a couple of days and see it as exposure therapy for you? Unfortunately there is a constant stream of illnesses in the first few years and you can't hide your child from them.

No it doesn’t work like that; you don’t build up immunity to colds as they are all different. If we developed immunity, we would stop getting them by a certain age. As it is, people in their 60s and 70s still get colds!

Of course it doesn't mean he will never get colds again no one is implying that but it's well understood that the first time children mix with others on a regular basis be it in nursery or in school they will come down with a larger amount of bugs as their immune system learns to deal with all the new germs. It's also why when people start university they get freshers flu because they are once again being exposed to a much larger amount of people in a confined setting.