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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to not want my MIL to babysit my child?

42 replies

partofthecure · 16/10/2021 19:52

We adopted a child this year. My MIL is really old school and doesn't get the need for a different style of parenting with a child who has a trauma history.

Today I lost the plot with her for calling our wee one "naughty" over a normal behaviour for a three year old (throwing a toy on the floor) as we've been working hard on not labelling or shaming.

Other gems from today:

"She's too intelligent to ever be with a family like that” (referring to birth parents)

“Oh, seems like it’s just me that’s not allowed to give you sweets then!” (I gave her a Jaffa cake, not a bloody whole box of jelly babies like she’s tried to!)

“I’m buying her a toy kitchen for Christmas” and when I said, she already has one, she rolled her eyes and said “well this one will be from me, not some foster carer she doesn’t know anymore, so that’ll be better”

She and I have never gotten on but this today has sealed a deal for me and I've told DH she's not welcome here again, nor will she ever look after our DD alone. He agrees she was awful today but thinks it's a step too far to not let her babysit or come round.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Lovelymincepies · 16/10/2021 19:54

She sounds awful and very judgemental. I wouldn’t want her around my child either!

StylishMummy · 16/10/2021 19:55

She has the potential to seriously undermine your parenting - id have your DH have a serious talk with her. Do you have any training slides about attachment and trauma that you could send her?

Brollywasntneededafterall · 16/10/2021 19:56

If you need a diplomatic excuse just say it's way too soon post adoption.. Hell I hate people who want to be the centre of a dc's universe.

BrilliantBetty · 16/10/2021 19:59

I think you're right. Little one needs sensitivity and an informed parent / minder looking after them. Not someone like this who says any silly nonsense that comes in to their head.

One misplaced, misjudged comment at the wrong time could open a big can of worms. (I say that as someone with experience of adoption)

Original poster
partofthecure · 16/10/2021 19:59

@Lovelymincepies

She sounds awful and very judgemental. I wouldn’t want her around my child either!

I'm glad it's not just me that sees her that way!

OP posts:
Original poster
partofthecure · 16/10/2021 20:03

@StylishMummy

She has the potential to seriously undermine your parenting - id have your DH have a serious talk with her. Do you have any training slides about attachment and trauma that you could send her?

Agreed.

At the point when we were going through our hone study, we gave her books and information about trauma informed parenting, attachment and adverse childhood experiences, funnelling etc. (at her request). She disagreed with most of it but agreed she'd try to follow the advice, but since DDs been here hasn't applied any of it.

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 16/10/2021 20:03

I think YABU - hear me out Smile

I have a very similar mother in law! She drives me crazy and I really find it hard to be around her for long stretches but none of the things there should mean no contact. They're pretty minor, the you thing maybe you just need to explain your parenting style to her so she can understand better?

No contact not only is very hard for your DH but also for her grandchild taking a relationship away already.

Original poster
partofthecure · 16/10/2021 20:04

@BrilliantBetty

I think you're right. Little one needs sensitivity and an informed parent / minder looking after them. Not someone like this who says any silly nonsense that comes in to their head.

One misplaced, misjudged comment at the wrong time could open a big can of worms. (I say that as someone with experience of adoption)

Thank you, it helps to know I'm not just being led by how much I detest her personality!

OP posts:
Peach01 · 16/10/2021 20:05

She's overstepping. She needs to respect how you choose to parent and she should ask before trying to give her sweets or ask if she should buy certain toys.

KoreyBay18 · 16/10/2021 20:06

@TheAverageUser is your child adopted?

OP i completely understand. When ex-MIL looks after my 4yo son (also adopted) his behaviour spirals for days afterwards excuse she cannot be therapeutic or keeps telling him he's naughty. Uts very distressing for him but unfortunately since I divorced my ex and its on his time I can't do anything

ToykotoLosAngeles · 16/10/2021 20:07

There's not much point explaining their parenting style if she fundamentally disagrees and/or is applying her own parenting opinions based on raising her birth child.

I don't know about no contact at all but you need to be able to chuck her out if she starts saying potentially harmful things around a 3-year-old.

TheAverageUser · 16/10/2021 20:08

@KoreyBay18 no he's not, no experience with adoption (yet) so perhaps there are other considerations.

Original poster
partofthecure · 16/10/2021 20:10

@TheAverageUser

I think YABU - hear me out Smile

I have a very similar mother in law! She drives me crazy and I really find it hard to be around her for long stretches but none of the things there should mean no contact. They're pretty minor, the you thing maybe you just need to explain your parenting style to her so she can understand better?

No contact not only is very hard for your DH but also for her grandchild taking a relationship away already.

Are they minor, to a child with a history of trauma and abuse?

They might be, but as DD can't yet express her thoughts and opinions on it, I'm not sure I want to run the risk of adding another layer of trauma due to thoughtless talk like I heard today.

OP posts:
Galley649 · 16/10/2021 20:11

OP you might want to consider moving this to the Adoption section, as I think the fact your LO is adopted completely changes the perspective of whether this is acceptable from your MIL.

I would be very concerned about the damage this could do to your child long term - some of it less so (eg the comment about sweets) but some of it is very worrying (labelling as naughty, dismissing birth family etc).

Galley649 · 16/10/2021 20:13

Also just to add - the bits I think of as minor in a hypothetical situation, I might think of as major if I knew your child's individual history - you know best what they need.

TheAverageUser · 16/10/2021 20:16

@partofthecure I don't know the history so I can't comment. I suppose the point of my post was more that that relationship for your child, you and DH is worth a lot so is it worth talking to her about the trauma and parenting style that's needed before going to no contact?

It's not that I don't understand your absolute priority to protect your child, just is there a middle step? Maybe she has absolutely no idea how to behave with a child with trauma?

billy1966 · 16/10/2021 20:20

I absolutely agree.

She is not suitable to be around a very vulnerable child and her needs do not come ahead of the child.

Her comment about the kitchen is dreadful.

Whatever about speaking to her and managing a very short visit at hers at some point in the future, no way should she ever be looking after your child.

Glassofshloer · 16/10/2021 20:20

YANBU. Time for your DH to take her for lunch & have a chat about her behaviour and why it is inappropriate.

happytoday73 · 16/10/2021 20:23

How does your DH see his childhood.. If he sees it as basically OK then I'd look at getting her to understand your child's needs... And perhaps concentrating on babysitting when baby will be asleep 😂

PumpkinsandTea · 16/10/2021 20:27

I think you've misunderstood her last comment about the toy kitchen. Other than that, I don't really see anything major that she's done wrong. What's the backstory? It sounds like you're hyper-analysing everything she says or does? Just relax and roll your eyes/bite your tongue.

To suggest she is not safe to babysit is not just category untrue (based on the info given) but is pretty cruel & unnecessary.

PoppityPop · 16/10/2021 20:27

OP get yourself over to the adoption board (in Becoming a Parent) - we understand!

KoreyBay18 · 16/10/2021 20:29

@PumpkinsandTea in that comment she disregarded the people who provided the OP's with love, care and stability and basically wants to replace a toy the child already has with something from her to erase the Foster carers. Along with the comment about birth family, she is showing just how little she cares about the importance of the child's life story.

RedCarsGoFaster · 16/10/2021 20:30

Did she not want to go on the family/friends support training?

My DB adopted a wonderful wee boy, and we all attended the one day course to support them.

Could you ask the SWs if they can put her on any future courses?

Original poster
partofthecure · 16/10/2021 20:32

@PoppityPop

OP get yourself over to the adoption board (in Becoming a Parent) - we understand!

Ok thanks, will do Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
partofthecure · 16/10/2021 20:38

@RedCarsGoFaster

Did she not want to go on the family/friends support training?

My DB adopted a wonderful wee boy, and we all attended the one day course to support them.

Could you ask the SWs if they can put her on any future courses?

Unfortunately not, she was offered - most of my family went and are on board with the therapeutic approach, plus there is experience there of both adoption and in being adopted. She asked for the literature which we gave her, but she disagrees with much of it - as a retired primary school teacher she thinks it's "lacking discipline".
OP posts: