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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

... to not want my MIL to babysit my child?

42 replies

partofthecure · 16/10/2021 19:52

We adopted a child this year. My MIL is really old school and doesn't get the need for a different style of parenting with a child who has a trauma history.

Today I lost the plot with her for calling our wee one "naughty" over a normal behaviour for a three year old (throwing a toy on the floor) as we've been working hard on not labelling or shaming.

Other gems from today:

"She's too intelligent to ever be with a family like that” (referring to birth parents)

“Oh, seems like it’s just me that’s not allowed to give you sweets then!” (I gave her a Jaffa cake, not a bloody whole box of jelly babies like she’s tried to!)

“I’m buying her a toy kitchen for Christmas” and when I said, she already has one, she rolled her eyes and said “well this one will be from me, not some foster carer she doesn’t know anymore, so that’ll be better”

She and I have never gotten on but this today has sealed a deal for me and I've told DH she's not welcome here again, nor will she ever look after our DD alone. He agrees she was awful today but thinks it's a step too far to not let her babysit or come round.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Worldwide2 · 16/10/2021 20:40

I think you are completely right to want to protect your child from any further harm. If she cannot accept your way of parenting she needs to accept she cannot be around him. I would suggest her do a course on therapeutic parenting or something for her to learn from otherwise no she cannot be around him. Give her an ultimatum.

Clandestin · 16/10/2021 20:44

@TheAverageUser

I think YABU - hear me out

I have a very similar mother in law! She drives me crazy and I really find it hard to be around her for long stretches but none of the things there should mean no contact. They're pretty minor, the you thing maybe you just need to explain your parenting style to her so she can understand better?

No contact not only is very hard for your DH but also for her grandchild taking a relationship away already.

They aren’t at all minor with an adopted child!

OP, I would get this moved to the adoption board where people will have more experience of dealing with adoption and uncooperative or uncomprehending relatives.

Worriedandconfused23 · 16/10/2021 20:51

Think you'd be completely within your rights to at the very least reduce contact and make sure her visits were supervised. It baffles me that she wouldn't be taking the lead entirely from you and your partner in terms of ensuring LO has the most secure environment and relationships possible. We have a few adopted children in our family and when babysitting I try to be as conscious as I can be of their history and how their parents want us to act. Sometimes this means treating them in a different manner to my own children (for example if my niece is misbehaving I am aware some situations are triggering for her...in comparison to my son who is just testing boundaries atm!). As a wider family we try to support them as much as possible and have all attended workshops etc and the children do speak to us about their birth families with no real issue. I would hate for them to believe that we think negatively of their birth family or where they began. At the end of the day you have to do what is best for your child, irrespective of your mils feelings.

Datsandcogs · 16/10/2021 21:05

That’s tricky. She’s obviously overstepped but many of her comments (even though insensitive) actually show badly expressed love and loyalty to DD. She’s saying she’s clever, she’s wanting to spoil her, she’s obviously accepted her into the family. Please don’t cut her off, restrict contact and re-educate. I wouldn’t let her babysit but please don’t cut her off completely.

(Said as an AP myself).

KitchenKrisis · 16/10/2021 21:13

Dats and cogs I agree on this one.

I'm absolutely no Mil fan at all and my Mil has said some Vile toxic stuff but as Dats said this sounds like clumsy but well meaning stuff..
She obviously adores this child and wants to spoil her but she's just not clever or emotionally able to see what's she's saying.

So don't let her baby sit but your dh and you need to "educated her" really well on the situation she why etc. It sounds like she's going to be a warm presence in her life.
Let's face it, she didn't have to want to buy her anything or give her treats or say she's bright.

adreamofspring · 16/10/2021 21:22

Could you insist on the friends and family training as a dealbreaker for her taking care of your child? In other words, say that you’ve tried it her way for a bit and now you have no choice but to do things properly. She seems woefully uneducated on the problems her language and attitude could cause and I can see why you think it will be damaging.

Fuckitsstillraining · 16/10/2021 21:24

Please please don't let this go. At the very least make sure either you or your husband are with her any time she sees your DD. My husband and his brother are both adopted and now in their 50's they are trying (and struggling) to work through the way their adopted mother treated them. One was the golden child, could do no wrong and the other was the opposite, its sad to see the effect its had on them both, my MIL is in her 80's now and can see no wrong in anything she ever did, they were fed, clothed and very well looked after in that kind of way but the comments passed, the judgemental views etc have let scars. Don't let her do anything to cause your precious child any harm, long or short term.

HandScreen · 16/10/2021 21:32

These sound like minor annoyances, I wouldn't mountain this molehill, if I were you. Far better for your daughter to know and love her granny!

Original poster

partofthecure · 16/10/2021 21:37

@HandScreen

These sound like minor annoyances, I wouldn't mountain this molehill, if I were you. Far better for your daughter to know and love her granny!

We'll have to agree to differ, they're not minor annoyances for me.

OP posts:

Simonjt · 16/10/2021 22:27

Sadly when you become a parent through adoption you have to get used to ignorance like this, often made worse by people such as your mother in law who actually seem to enjoy being ignorant.

Someone who decided they were going to ignore the needs of my son would not be a part of his life. If you love your grand children you value then as people and put their needs first.

sandragreen · 16/10/2021 22:49

YANBU. Vile woman.

DH can see her on his own from now on.

Kite22 · 16/10/2021 22:59

@TheAverageUser

I think YABU - hear me out

No contact not only is very hard for your DH but also for her grandchild taking a relationship away already.

This ^

To answer your question in the title, then YANBU to not want her to babysit at the moment,
but
YAB very U to declare that your dh's Mum cannot come to his house.

She sounds like she is insensitive to your dc's history, but nothing you have said suggests she can't love her and be part of her life as she grows, let alone be part of your dh's life. I presume she has done a good enough job raising your dh ?

Branleuse · 16/10/2021 23:00

I think it sounds like she just doesnt understand the importance of the parenting style. I actually think shes saying quite clearly that she loves this child. She needs to understand that the gentle trauma informed parenting is not permissive or spoiling. Its techniques youre using to try and negate some of her traumatic experiences and maybe give her some examples of how youd like her to react in certain scenarios.

I dont think she sounds that bad, but you do have to make your point heard because an extended family can be such a blessing in a childs life even if theyre not perfect

RedHelenB · 16/10/2021 23:04

Let her give her the jelly babies. One of my pleasant grandparent memories was helping myself to the choice biscuit hat and being taken to choose sweets when GP went to get their paper. I think tab a bit precious and unreasonable, your adopted child needs your and she wider family to live them too.

Italiangreyhound · 16/10/2021 23:25

I am also a patent by adoption (and s birth parent) and I agree with Datsandcogs

"She’s obviously overstepped but many of her comments (even though insensitive) actually show badly expressed love and loyalty to DD. She’s saying she’s clever, she’s wanting to spoil her, she’s obviously accepted her into the family. Please don’t cut her off, restrict contact and re-educate. I wouldn’t let her babysit but please don’t cut her off completely."

Clandestin · 16/10/2021 23:25

There are some monumentally blinkered responses on this thread. Of course the OP’s MIL means well, but ultimately that doesn’t make it any more acceptable that she’s labelling behaviour as ‘naughty’, disparaging her granddaughter’s birth parents etc. Love doesn’t always translate into appropriate behaviour around adopted children, unfortunately.

billy1966 · 16/10/2021 23:46

OP,
There is nothing minor about her behaviour.

OP, you have committed to take onna child that needs your sole focus.

By NOT doing the course and having alternative views your MIL has marked herself OUT.

You are a parent now.

PARENT.

Your priority is not your MIL.

Your priority is YOUR child.
Absolutely end of.

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