To want more children?

[Youn]

I’m 37, DH 45. Married almost 16 years. 2 DC, both preteens. But I always told DH I wanted a big family and more children. DH got a vasectomy when I was 27, I’ve been resentful since. He is not interested in hearing my thoughts or longing for more children. He decided he doesn’t want more children.

As time ticks, I can’t help but think I’ll regret not having more children.

I’m not happy in my marriage mainly because my needs are overlooked and I feel I have no say.

Do I accept this fate? Or do I leave in the hope that even if I’m alone I make my own decisions.

Does the urge to have more children ever go away?

I think if you have the urge to have children it never goes away. Mine hasn’t.

I have one IVF/ICSI DC but all attempts for a sibling failed. I resent DH for not agreeing to donor sperm because I had no fertility issues. I will never have the family I longed for and now -after surgical menopause-I never will. I still long for children.

I still wake up after having dreams of being pregnant, I still mourn the family I’ll never have and I am desperately unhappy. I wish I had left and had the chance of having the family I always wanted.

I wanted a 3rd briefly when my youngest was about 2 but it did fade. However it sounds like you've wanted more for at least 10 years now so not exactly a passing phase. If you are unhappy in your marriage for other reasons as well then this might be the right moment to think about leaving. You still have time to meet someone else or just have more by yourself, but not much time. If you want to leave to have more kids then now is the time.

Having said that I would think seriously about the impact this will have on your existing children. Not the divorce so much because you shouldn't stay with someone you're unhappy with regardless of the children issue, but introducing a new partner and new baby will be disruptive to them. And you'd need to move fairly fast as well to make that happen which would make it a more challenging adjustment for your existing children. My dad had 2 more children when I was 12 and 15 and although I love them dearly our relationship is not the same as the one I have with the brother I grew up with who is near to me in age. The experience didn't do me any lasting harm but it did make my teenage years harder and it certainly made my relationship with my dad more challenging. Just something extra to think about, I know that wanting a baby can be very consuming but it isn't only you who will have to live with that change.

@Whywouldyoudothatselfish

I think if you have the urge to have children it never goes away. Mine hasn’t.

I have one IVF/ICSI DC but all attempts for a sibling failed. I resent DH for not agreeing to donor sperm because I had no fertility issues. I will never have the family I longed for and now -after surgical menopause-I never will. I still long for children.

I still wake up after having dreams of being pregnant, I still mourn the family I’ll never have and I am desperately unhappy. I wish I had left and had the chance of having the family I always wanted.

I hear you. I thought the desire would lessen but it’s gotten stronger.

I’m sorry for your pain and the sense of loss you feel.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I wanted a 3rd briefly when my youngest was about 2 but it did fade. However it sounds like you've wanted more for at least 10 years now so not exactly a passing phase. If you are unhappy in your marriage for other reasons as well then this might be the right moment to think about leaving. You still have time to meet someone else or just have more by yourself, but not much time. If you want to leave to have more kids then now is the time.

Having said that I would think seriously about the impact this will have on your existing children. Not the divorce so much because you shouldn't stay with someone you're unhappy with regardless of the children issue, but introducing a new partner and new baby will be disruptive to them. And you'd need to move fairly fast as well to make that happen which would make it a more challenging adjustment for your existing children. My dad had 2 more children when I was 12 and 15 and although I love them dearly our relationship is not the same as the one I have with the brother I grew up with who is near to me in age. The experience didn't do me any lasting harm but it did make my teenage years harder and it certainly made my relationship with my dad more challenging. Just something extra to think about, I know that wanting a baby can be very consuming but it isn't only you who will have to live with that change.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I had a similar experience growing up and having step siblings. It did complicate things during my teen years.

I believe though that experience has given me a greater sense of awareness for those dynamics but I say this right now without living that in my own adult life.

The desire to have more children has strengthened over the past decade but it is a now or never moment.

I used to want a 3rd when mine were small, but the urge had gone away by the time they were pre teens. They’re now both teens and I cant think of anything worse than an accidental pregnancy (well, I can, but you get my point).

Whether or not the urge will go for you, it’s hard to say.

I totally get why he doesn’t want another. He’s 45, his kids are becoming more independent. It’s completely reasonable to not want to go back to nappies and sleepless nights. Also a teenager while you’re winding down to retirement is pretty unappealing.

If you’re not happy in your relationship through, that is a separate issue. Do you want to stay with him? Do you think you’d be happier alone? Would you try to have another baby alone? Or meet someone quickly to start a second family? How would that affect your current kids? Only you can answer that.

I don’t know anyone with children who hasn’t had the urge to have more. I think for most, it passes. That probably isn’t the case if you haven’t got any at all, but I don’t think it’s at all unusual to want more.

It sounds like DH was done at 35? That’s not unreasonable; and it’s not unreasonable for him not to want to start again with the newborn stage at 45… the age gap is quite important here; I think.

If you’re unhappy with the relationship anyway, you can always leave. Would you plan to stay alone? To meet someone quickly to have more children with? How would leaving affect your kids? Do you think you’d be happier, even if more children didn’t happen?

Leave your husband if you're unhappy in your marriage, but I wouldn't be running out the door just to have another baby. You don't even know if you can have another baby. You could now have fertility issues, or peri-menopause could be coming very quickly, and you wouldn't even know it. I started peri at 40, and women can start even younger.

You're dealing with two separate issues here.

Would you break up your family for the slim chance of having another baby with someone else? Are you ready to explain to your two kids why they weren't enough for you?

I think taking that road would be quite selfish.

At 37 unless your plan is to leave and immediately source sperm to be a single mother, there's a minuscule chance you're having a baby with someone else. Certainly not in a healthy way for your existing children.

You have to leave, divorce, grieve, get kids stabilised, meet someone, date, introduce to kids, see if that works, have a decent time getting to know each other, maybe move in, more time, try for a baby, if that works and your existing kids aren't too messed up to do that.

Your DH is perfectly entitled to his choice and feeling resentful is a wasted emotion. I wanted another, DH didn't, so we have one. I adjusted since I don't want a child who isn't wanted or a sad, divided existing child if I left. I love my husband. And my child. Throwing away their happiness for my wishes seemed unthinkable.

Whatever you do you will probably regret it, so do what's best for the children you have. We all have regrets. Yanbu to resent that he made the decision for you both, does this reflect the general dynamic in your relationship, that he assumes that he is in charge, being older? Maybe that's what needs to change.

Not going to leave my marriage to just run off and have a baby with anyone.

I have felt resentful for a long time about the decision he made. And the state of my marriage is a separate topic but if my marriage ended, as painful as that would be, it would be liberating too!

Would prob consider a sperm donor before I settle for a lazy twat again!

Ime the broodiness gets worse and worse the closer to the line you get - your bodies last hurrah to get one more baby out of you. Then when you hit menopause/perimenopause it dwindles rapidly away. Awful whilst its happening though, I felt a desperate longing for years.

As for the rest I would (and did) make decisions based on the state of my marriage as a whole, not based on the shrilling of my ovaries.

@Whywouldyoudothatselfish

I think if you have the urge to have children it never goes away. Mine hasn’t.

I have one IVF/ICSI DC but all attempts for a sibling failed. I resent DH for not agreeing to donor sperm because I had no fertility issues. I will never have the family I longed for and now -after surgical menopause-I never will. I still long for children.

I still wake up after having dreams of being pregnant, I still mourn the family I’ll never have and I am desperately unhappy. I wish I had left and had the chance of having the family I always wanted.

What about your existing DC? Would you have broken up his/her family for the sake of half siblings you might never have had? You seem to place great significance on your own wants without considering that your DH and existing DC also have wants and needs.

I too only have one DC, after 8 rounds of IVF+ICSI my DH couldn't take it any more. I desperately wanted a second child, but not enough to leave my wonderful DH or expose my beloved DS to a stepfather he didn't choose or harm his excellent relationship with his Daddy.

In the nicest possible way - grow up, stop being so selfish. That train has passed, you have to choose now whether you fester in resentment or accept it (maybe with counselling? I highly recommend it) and move on.

I do wish you the very best - it is horrendous to long for another child and be unable to have one - but you can choose to confront these thoughts. Or not.

I think your problem is your marriage. You need to think, and find out if this marriage is worthy or it has ran its course.

Regarding more children, that you could address once you are free, if you divorce.
But have you thought about all issues here?
You are still bringing two up. They will be teenagers soon. Then you will have a few years of freedom! So deserved. And then, the grandchildren will be in the scene.
Just the mere thought of having a baby now that mine is 13 exhausts me. Said that, if I had a really good finantial situation, like winning the lottery, I would do it. Or adopt, as I am on the old side of things.
But going through all the skint days, running around from club to work, to club, I cannot do it all again! At least purposely

From the perspective of someone who’s mother put her desire for more children above the wellbeing of her existing children. It’s sucks. The resentment never really leaves you and I respect my mother far less for the choices she made.

You may resent your DH. But if you put your need for another baby above the needs of the children you already have, they may well end up resenting you.

I think the time to walk would've been when he first got the vasectomy if having more children was so important to you. I know that's not helpful now. I can understand how upsetting it is when you have a different idea of family than your partner. Did you discuss children before you got married? What were his reasons at the time for not wanting more?

I wanted 3 children. We had fertility issues (DH). We have our DS now from icsi and I really want to try for a second but DH said for a while he didn't want a second (he's now said he's happy to try for a year and see if anything happens then discuss an icsi next summer). It's tough when you want more but I'd rather not bring another child into the world who wasn't fully wanted and instead just enjoy life with my husband and my son.

If you're not happy in your marriage and the resentment is going to build, you can always leave. But if you want more children it sounds like you'll have to go it alone and you have to work out if that's worth leaving your husband and breaking up the family you have. Only you can make that decision

By all means leave DH if you feel your needs are not met outside of vasectomy problem. However it is utterly selfish and insane to leave the marriage and use a sperm donor and get another baby. What about your existing children and the impact on them?

I agree with @Nonicknamesforcatapillars. You are making this all about you. Why are you wanting another child with someone you say is lazy?

Your DH is perfectly entitled to his choice and feeling resentful is a wasted emotion.

I also agree with this ^^
His feelings about not having any more children are just as valid as yours. You have two children already. Why do you feel that this isn't enough?

I notice you said your children were pre teens. I think you really need to think through the implications and reality of having three teenagers.

Friendship issues at school x 3
Bullying x 3
Expense x 3
GCSEs x 3
A levels x 3
Driving lessons x 3
UCAS x 3
Supporting through university x 3

Time to take those rose tinted spectacles off

I’m not sure why you didn’t end things 10 years ago when he had the snip even though you wanted more children? If you were sure you wanted more children, that was the time to do it surely…. But it seems like you’re unhappy generally… not clear which issue is the bigger one here.

Leave your DH if the marriage is over and you are no longer compatible. That’s completely reasonable.

But to leave your DH, to have a child on your own via a sperm donor, at age 37, with two pre teen children to also consider is bonkers, IMO. As others have said, his reproductive decisions are as valid as yours and if you didn’t like them, you should have left years ago.

OP, can you even say what it is that a 3rd child would give you that your existing kids don't?

If it's just a biological urge is it really worth risking so much over this?

Whywouldyoudothat To resent your DH because he wouldn't agree to using donor sperm to conceive a child is beyond selfish....at the end of day the child wouldn't be his biologically genetically or morally but legally you would have forced one on him since being married means he is legally assumed to be the father then you'd expect financial support no doubt

No one is entitled to a child and you've got 2 already OP - he should be applauded for having a vasectomy and taking control of his own contraception- his body his choice after all

I had 2 dc then never had a biological urge a lot of women talk about to have another baby; infact the very thought gives me chills of horror. I adore my dc but would never want to go back to that stage. I feel complete. Op I think the question is are you happy in your marriage?

OP you have a child. You’re a mother. That’s more than some people will ever have.

I'm getting the sense from you OP that you feel a lack of control in your marriage, like he is making all the choices. And this is just one issue where it has crystallised for you how bad things feel. If you don't love him anymore and no longer want to be married to him, it is ok to separate.