To want more children?

[Youn]

I’m 37, DH 45. Married almost 16 years. 2 DC, both preteens. But I always told DH I wanted a big family and more children. DH got a vasectomy when I was 27, I’ve been resentful since. He is not interested in hearing my thoughts or longing for more children. He decided he doesn’t want more children.

As time ticks, I can’t help but think I’ll regret not having more children.

I’m not happy in my marriage mainly because my needs are overlooked and I feel I have no say.

Do I accept this fate? Or do I leave in the hope that even if I’m alone I make my own decisions.

Does the urge to have more children ever go away?

@Sapphire387

I'm getting the sense from you OP that you feel a lack of control in your marriage, like he is making all the choices. And this is just one issue where it has crystallised for you how bad things feel. If you don't love him anymore and no longer want to be married to him, it is ok to separate.

This^^ is how I feel.

Maybe leave DH as the marriage is not making you happy and get a puppy, then see how you feel.

You want more children but you're in a miserable marriage. That isn't going to end well. Neither is having them on your own unless you are really well off. You have to be realistic. Id have loved two but could only afford one on my own.

I've had 10 cats over my lifetime and they made me very happy indeed.

If you're not happy, leave. He was not unreasonable to decide to not want more children and have a vasectomy, it was his decision and he was sensible to take that action. Neither of you are unreasonable for wanting/not wanting children, but it can't be compromised on, if you can't be happy with him based on his decision the relationship won't work.

I would think about your children though, I don't mean in terms of your marriage but having more kids. As pre teens they'd be sacrificing a lot for you to have a child.

It's worth getting a blood test done on the first day of your period (AMR I think) just to check your own fertility now.
If it's that important to you and your marriage isn't, then is it worth giving your DP an ultimatum? He tries to get vasectomy reversed OR you are leaving to try on your own. It's obviously risky, but not wholly different from how he's treated you, and if you can't compromise on the third baby, then it's the best option for your existing kids.
What would your financial situation be? Being a single parent is expensive! It is even viable - I got pregnant with donor sperm and although it worked first time it set me back more than £10k.

Yeah you're asking the wrong question

You've had enough of your dh, just move on

Once you've gone buy some sperm if you still want a kid 🤷‍♀️ It's possible the kid thing is just representing that you're done with this relationship

Hi OP

I think you need to separate the two things in your head. The marriage issues and the longing for a baby.

Put the baby issue aside for the moment.

Are your marriage issues down to the baby issue or wider? It sounds like the baby issue is kind of symptomatic of wider issues. As if he doesnt want another baby after having two I think that most people would think that was fairly reasonable especially as he took care of contraception himself rather than putting it on you, and it would be a mistake to try and force it.if there are other issues, do you want to try and sort them? Does he? Do you think you can? Would he go to counselling or anything together?

If your marriage is otherwise good it does seem harsh to disrupt your kids lives for a hypothetical sibling that they may not end up that close to dur to age gap.

Maybe counselling would be a good idea for you anyway to help you unpick this

Appreciate all the responses, I read them, thank you.

These are 2 separate issues.

But I’ve had this epiphany that my DH has controlled so much in our relationship and I’m so resentful now. He was 30 marrying a 22 year old and I was the breadwinner and compliant. I’m thinking I was a stupid fool to put up with the I put up with and wish I made the decision to leave the night I got married, when I first had my doubts!

But I didn’t.

I love my DC. I’m so grateful for them. I do have a strong desire for more children. However it’s my priority to take care of the children I have. Funny thing is they plead with me often for a younger sibling! Both of them! But I’m not about to run off and just try to fall pregnant while dealing with the fallout of my marriage ending and my children’s reaction to that.

I’ve been married but in essence a single parent with a DH who travelled for business non stop and then had obsessive hobbies.

I’m really over my marriage. I’m over the selfishness of my DH. I’m sick and tired of going to bed alone and waking up alone even though he’s been home since the start of covid. I’m so over it all!

It sounds like the responses on here have helped you focus on what you want and need to do. Good luck whatever you decide.

I bet you’ve made a lot of compromises for him over the years yet here he is with his hard no to your wishes. It’s not fair.

if your marriage is wrong then you need to end it.

But sorry I don’t buy that older children generally plead for a sibling. So many people say that to justify their urge for another baby, and the children have likely shown an interest in having a sibling if you’ve mentioned wanting a baby. Truth is though that by the time you’ve managed to have a baby, which realistically wouldn’t be for another 2/3 years at least, they’ll be teenagers and are unlikely to be remotely interested in a baby. Their friends will be more important, and then they’ll be off to uni or wherever. Having a baby with two teenage children is going to be like having an only child, because they’ll be off and you’ll potentially be on your own with a baby/toddler.

And realistically at 40 plus having a baby is unlikely. Yes people do it, but more don’t than do. Also, even for those who do, the instance of miscarriage is considerably higher in women who are 40 plus, as is the instance of chromosomal abnormalities. Are you ready to parent a potentially seriously disabled child as a single parent?

As I said, the marriage is separate. But I would put the idea of a baby out of your head and focus on something you can control i.e. your relationship.

Whether you go on to have more children or not, it does seem like you have had enough of the situation with your husband and I don't blame you. You have given up enough years. If it makes your life easier and hopefully happier to leave him, I would look to the route. Better for children to have a calm and no tension household.
People who say that you should be happy with the children you have, don't walk in your shoes.

A lot of controlling men marry younger women. And it sounds like that's what happened. The baby issue aside, you marriage is probably over and it's time to plan a life without him.

Please read the OP's updates @KittyKattyKate. This is about much more than having another baby.

I wanted another baby badly - got pregnant previously quite easily then tried for more a year at 39 - took all the supplements and monitored cycle with a range of symptoms expensive gadgets and it didn't happen. I felt for a long while there was a gap something missing but i had to accept this was it. Weighing up the pros of having kids getting older helped and also thought about the age gap there would be and how I felt with a big age gap growing up. I don't think you ever get over not having kids but you learn to accept it?

Did you husband discuss the vasectomy with you at the time? It was a big decision to take at an early age for you.

Would you be willing to see your existing children possibly only half the time with splitting custody? Seems incredibly selfish to uproot them for this reason.

@whatever1980

Did you husband discuss the vasectomy with you at the time? It was a big decision to take at an early age for you.

No discussion.

Just that it was booked and he was going. I thought I’d come to terms with it but I haven’t fully.

@Zfactorstar

Would you be willing to see your existing children possibly only half the time with splitting custody? Seems incredibly selfish to uproot them for this reason.

DH might not be interested in splitting custody because he has obsessive hobbies that are not conducive to being a relied upon in demand father, not daily.

But DH is AGAINST divorce.

@whatever1980

I wanted another baby badly - got pregnant previously quite easily then tried for more a year at 39 - took all the supplements and monitored cycle with a range of symptoms expensive gadgets and it didn't happen. I felt for a long while there was a gap something missing but i had to accept this was it. Weighing up the pros of having kids getting older helped and also thought about the age gap there would be and how I felt with a big age gap growing up. I don't think you ever get over not having kids but you learn to accept it?

I’ve been thinking about your response.

My desire is strong for another baby. But I could accept not having another one. There is this sense of comfort knowing my 2 are in secondary and the focus is different.

But what infuriated me is that that decision was taken away from me. DH won’t acknowledge or have conversations to acknowledge my feelings about this situation. That is hard for me.

It’s the total lack of emotional availability on his end to meet me in my place of pain and longing and listen to me and speak with me, possibly apologize for his approach. These things could make a difference to the situation for me.

But he won’t go there. He can’t. He doesn’t have that ability. He can talk about his hobbies for hours on end. But nothing!!! When it’s matters of the heart!

Why is your urge to have another baby so strong?
While it sounds like your husband is emotionally distant, I can understand that if he categorically doesn't want another baby he isn't going change his mind or let himself be persuaded.

Do you work full time? He probably feels that he doesn't want the financial burden and all the other responsibilities that come with having another child. I'm sorry, but I can understand this point of view.

I’m not happy in my marriage mainly because my needs are overlooked and I feel I have no say.

Why would you stay married to him let alone want more children with him?

He is 45. He will be 46 by the time it is born and 63 by the the time it is 18. I can see his point.