Crying at work!

[Jourdain11]

I'm so annoyed with myself for doing this and it is definitely, 110% unreasonable! It's been a super busy and theoretically stressful period at work and I am in a new and slightly different role within a different team (same organisation). The workload and work pressures haven't really been getting to me, though - although it is a lot and it's pretty non-stop. It has more been a combination of outside stuff and the fact that my line manager picks up on everything that she wants me to do differently, to the extent where I have felt sort of picked away at, or at least under excessive scrutiny.

Anyway, yesterday was vile: the morning started badly because DD1 (9) is in school refusal mode and we had a fully fledged battle to get her to go before, all before 8am. I thought j was going to be late (although I wasn't) and then when I got in there was a massive mess for me to sort out because someone else had made a minor mess of something. I was so tired that I felt like I was aching all over and I could have quite happily gone home and back to bed, ha. Then I had a one-to-one with my line manager and ended up saying that I felt a bit got at and it wasn't very good for productivity (because I am constantly second-guessing everything or having to defend my word-choice or whatever). LM wasn't really up for the discussion and I ended up sort of tearing up and my voice did a little baby wobble.

I'm just pissed off with myself for being so pathetic. I'm a grown-up 33 year old woman, FFS, not a teenage intern, and I hate the fact that I've made myself come over as an emotional liability. Ugh.

I think it’s ok! I hope you won’t be hard on yourself about it. Crying is a a stress reaction at times and it sounds like you are stressed! I’ve cried at work a couple of times, as have colleagues, and I’ve always felt that if colleagues/managers are going to be phased by it then that says more about them. Xx

I don't know if LM was fazed by it exactly, but they did definitely notice. "What is wrong?" And I said, nothing particular or significant, it is just a lot at the moment. Then I got the pep talk about difficulties everyone has, including LM, and how you have to leave it outside the door. I felt kind of bad after that.

YANBU @Jourdain11 you poor thing!

I hate crying too (at work/in public) as I think it makes me look weak and pathetic.

However, when I see someone else crying I feel sorry for them and want to hug them! I don't think THEY are weak and pathetic!

Hope you are OK now

That is so true - I wouldn't think "weak and pathetic" about someone else who cried (unless they did it literally all the time perhaps!).

But I definitely felt it about myself in this situation and I'm sure my line manager did too. LM then went on to talk about the issues they've been having themselves and I felt a bit guilty for being unaware (I think it's potentially a thing that everyone is aware of, but I was not because of being new to the team). But a little bit of me was a tiny bit impatient, because I thought, if they had more trust in me it would've lessened their workload and alleviated the stress on them

I cried at work twice this week. I think it is normally exhaustion.

When you are having a tough day, feeling got at and picked on is enough to put you over the edge.

Drama at home before work is very hard to deal with.

My friends son went through an extended period of school refusal due to anxiety. Both his grandparents died suddenly within a very short time of each other and it floored him.

He's a darling boy.
It was the most difficult period for my friend. Ever.

She is a super strong, capable woman with a very senior position in a huge multinational and this was the toughest thing she EVER faced.

She ended up taking a leave of absence as his refusal and her parents death was too much.
Thank god they are through it now but do not underestimate the stress you are under.

School refusal is very stressful for the whole family.
I hope you are getting some support.
Your LM's competitive suffering narative is not helpful.
I hope things get easier soon.

Your line manager’s job is to motivate you, not to one up! You don’t need to hear about her woes - bit shit of her to put it on you to be honest and she should save that for HER line manager.

Who the feck says YABU?! You're kind manager is nastily BU by not being available to listen to your justifiable concerns. YOU ARE NOT A ROBOT unlike your manager by the sounds of it. Emotional liability, give overnight what is this?!?? You are human YOU HAVE EVERY BLOODY RIGHT TO CRY OUT LOUD if you need to.

Line not kind. Your manager is NOT kind.

I don't think your manager handled this well. It's not appropriate for them to unload their problems onto you and especially not as a rebuttal to you being honest about difficulties you're experiencing.
You're not a robot and sometimes situations outside the workplace do affect your focus.
As a manager I'd want to be understanding of those and figure out how we could alleviate the stress and have you focus on your job.
Also, she didn't address how her nitpicking is undermining your confidence.
The outcome of this meeting should be that you're clearer on how to deliver the work expected of you.
Any chance you can go back to your old role?

Don't be too hard on yourself. I cried at work once when dd was small. She was going through a stage of waking up at 4:30am every morning, I was tired, overwhelmed and finding work exhausting. One of the senior managers kindly wrote me a formal letter asking for me not to let my home life interfere with my work, and it cannot happen again. Still annoys me several years later!

I voted yabu for being mad y ou u got like that! Everyone gets like that, sometimes it's unfortunate somebody sees it. Hope next week is better

It happens, even to senior managers! My boss once came out of a leadership meeting in tears, apparently she’d had a heated discussion with someone and felt menopausal and it ended with her crying. My supervisor has also cried in at least 3 meetings (normally over things like office moves, people complaining, a new project going badly).

It’s not as unusual as you think.

Not pathetic. Entirely understandable. If you worked for me, I’d have taken you somewhere for a chat or a cuddle or whatever you needed to feel better.

We all have those days and anyone who thinks it is weak or pathetic should feel grateful their life hasn’t ever handed them a real curveball.

You're not weak or pathetic and your line manager does not know how to line manage.

My daughter's school issues started in the spring. We had a difficult time during the pandemic - I mean, I know everyone did, but I was diagnosed with leukaemia very shortly after the first lockdown was announced and DD1 (being that bit older than our other two) has a lot of anxieties from all that.

I am in full remission now and healthy, but the illness and the treatment have left me with some residual issues. I get more tired than I used to and I'm probably a little UR in never wanting to refer to it, use it as an excuse, be seen in any way as "incapable".

DH is better at helping DD1 through her school issues than I am, but he had to go to work super early and it was left to me to fail to handle it.

I agree that we totally didn't address the issue at hand and I felt a bit guilty when she explained the problems she has and how this past period has been challenging. But I also felt irritated, because I couldn't help but think that this was the reaction she wished me to have!! Maybe not - maybe she was trying to be empathetic and I took it in the wrong way. I didn't even go into any details because I felt it's not relevant and I don't want to bring up personal stuff at work (unless it's with colleagues who are also friends).

It happened early in my career and it happened during menopause frequently. I cry easily to be honest, just lucky I don't get super stressed easily, I don't know how everyone else avoids crying at work ever.

YANBU for crying- you've had some real tough shit going on, it's completely understandable. If anything your LM might go a little easier on you knowing you cried from the stress. Have you spoken to your work about how your treatment and ill health has caused some long-term issues? It might be worth having a word for them if you haven't and seeing if they can do anything to reduce your stress. My work was excellent when I was ill and allowed me to take some breaks throughout the day to rest and get some fresh air.

Have you spoken to DDs school about her problems? Her teacher or pastoral carer might be able to help

Tbh a manager shouldn't be telling someone to leave shit at the door.

A good manager would be there to listen and offer help where needed if possible.

It's bad to create a adults don't cry kind of environment because they do. People stress and people cry and ignoring it isn't good and telling someone they shouldn't is also not good instead get to the reason it's happening and try to tackle that

I think this sounds like your line managers fault to be honest.

Nitpicking about little things to the extent you feel overly scrutinised over things like phraseology (unless you are in a role where this is key such as translating or editing or PR or journalism or something) is poor management and has the opposite effect of motivating staff.

You tried to have a meeting about it and it sounds like she wasnt really open to resolving it. She hasn't asked you to change anything you're doing, she hasnt changed anything that she is doing, and she made your personal problems all about her, when she should have been asking what support you need. If you're already stressed and frustrated then of course its upsetting.

I think I'd try and leave personal feelings out of any interaction with her in the future as she is not very empathetic or helpful regarding them.

I'd stick to the facts. Eg 'you have changed the last 7 documents I've done, and half of them you wanted to change again. What can I do or what can we change about the way we work together, so that we can get it right first time'. Ask her to clarify if she wants things done in a certain way before you start a piece of work. If you need some support eg a day off the phones because things are too much or something, ask for that and be specific.

@Jourdain11 I line manage a large team and have heaps of managerial experience. I would not think you are weak, we are all human and work is only one part of our lives. Your line manager didn’t handle the situation brilliantly and sounds inexperienced. Do you have access to an impartial HR team or an EAP? Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing a great job.

Also I'm not sure what size of organisation you work for but they probably have a stress policy if they are large and a decent employer so look up that just to get an idea of what support they should be giving you. I dont think effectively telling you to get over it because everyone else has got shit going on will be on there!

I ugly cried at work the other day and ended up in my managers office. It all got too much and a colleague bit my head off. Normally I’m tough enough to calm get names h set my breath and let it go but not that day! Blubbering

Anyway it’s all good. Sometimes we need to lose our shit for people to take us seriously. We’ve all done the voice wobble. You’re not alone.

I cry as a reaction to anger or stress so unfortunately there have been occasions at work where I haven’t been able to completely suppress it and I’ve cried. Completely mortifying and made me feel utterly pathetic, which obviously made me feel even more stressed and likely to cry!

A good cry releases so much tension.. even if it doesn't solve the issues!
Your line manager should not be pointscoring on the angst... her role is to support you in your role... and in that she has failed spectacularly.. or you wouldn't feel the way you do. She takes her issues to HER line manager.
Hold your head high.. do not be embarrassed or in any way feel that you have let yourself down.
And when she nitpicks and undermines you.. pick her up on it.. don't let it build up.