Crying at work!

[Jourdain11]

I'm so annoyed with myself for doing this and it is definitely, 110% unreasonable! It's been a super busy and theoretically stressful period at work and I am in a new and slightly different role within a different team (same organisation). The workload and work pressures haven't really been getting to me, though - although it is a lot and it's pretty non-stop. It has more been a combination of outside stuff and the fact that my line manager picks up on everything that she wants me to do differently, to the extent where I have felt sort of picked away at, or at least under excessive scrutiny.

Anyway, yesterday was vile: the morning started badly because DD1 (9) is in school refusal mode and we had a fully fledged battle to get her to go before, all before 8am. I thought j was going to be late (although I wasn't) and then when I got in there was a massive mess for me to sort out because someone else had made a minor mess of something. I was so tired that I felt like I was aching all over and I could have quite happily gone home and back to bed, ha. Then I had a one-to-one with my line manager and ended up saying that I felt a bit got at and it wasn't very good for productivity (because I am constantly second-guessing everything or having to defend my word-choice or whatever). LM wasn't really up for the discussion and I ended up sort of tearing up and my voice did a little baby wobble.

I'm just pissed off with myself for being so pathetic. I'm a grown-up 33 year old woman, FFS, not a teenage intern, and I hate the fact that I've made myself come over as an emotional liability. Ugh.

It is a large organisation and there are institutional policies for pretty much everything! So, for example, when I returned to work (in my previous role) I had conversations with HR and Occupational Health and we covered pretty much everything. I do have appointments to attend, for instance, which normally fall within working hours, and I just log this on a system if I need a day or half a day for attendance. No one has ever made an issue of it.

Tbh, I wouldn't want to bring up personal stuff with her and I just don't feel we have (yet) the relationship where it is possible. So in this conversation I just said "I'm generally a but stressed out because of outside things, it's a lot" or something along those lines.

Thank you all for the kind words and support, btw. You are helping me feel like a bit less of an idiot!!

Is this the same company just a different role / manager? Can you not go to HR to get additional support? Your LM sounds horrible. I think you can quietly make HR aware of what was said without a full complaint.

You were not being an idiot... you were under pressure from all sides and the dam burst.
Your illness has long lasting affects, physical and mental and it takes a long long time to build up again. You are not playing the poor me angle, but these are facts. Be kind to yourself, and make use of HR and any supportive policies available to you at work.. they are there for a reason, and by LAW!!
You are valuable to your employer and it is in their interest to look after you.

I have line managed a lot of people and it's more common than you'd think. It's also more common in men than you'd think.

I have never once judged someone for crying to me, I listen and act appropriately. We're human and 'leave it at the door' is old fashioned and not possible sometimes. For example, I had a girl who was having twice daily fertility injections and needed time to leave and cope with the set backs. I don't think it's unreasonable to cry sometimes. Not all the time obviously but I have never met someone who does that.

Give yourself a break, she sounds like the problem.

Tbh a manager shouldn't be telling someone to leave shit at the door.A good manager would be there to listen and offer help where needed if possible.

That’s just not true, a manager is not yout personal counselled there to be a shoulder to cry on when your personal life gets tough. And I’m appalled anyone would think they are.

Crying at work is never anyone’s finest moment, the manager was likely try it to show sympathy, they do need to not micro manage unless their is a performance issue, which there might be, but telling someone it’s ok to bring your personal problems to work and to cry about it to yout manager and their job is to give you personal support for your home life is very wrong indeed.

I think it's a form of sexism that crying at work is seen as taboo. Men typically take their stress out by shouting angrily, which is far worse in my view. Work is a huge part of life, and stress comes out there and sometimes out of the work itself!

@Bluntness100

Tbh a manager shouldn't be telling someone to leave shit at the door.A good manager would be there to listen and offer help where needed if possible.

That’s just not true, a manager is not yout personal counselled there to be a shoulder to cry on when your personal life gets tough. And I’m appalled anyone would think they are.

Crying at work is never anyone’s finest moment, the manager was likely try it to show sympathy, they do need to not micro manage unless their is a performance issue, which there might be, but telling someone it’s ok to bring your personal problems to work and to cry about it to yout manager and their job is to give you personal support for your home life is very wrong indeed.

In fairness, it wasn't like I put my head in my hands and sobbed. It was more of a momentary loss of control. I don't think I even damaged my eye makeup But I was embarrassed because I didn't feel it's appropriate and especially not when I haven't been on this team for long.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Is this the same company just a different role / manager? Can you not go to HR to get additional support? Your LM sounds horrible. I think you can quietly make HR aware of what was said without a full complaint.

Yeah, same organisation, different department. At this point I don't really want to get involved with HR and have mediation and whatever. I think there isn't a performance issue (and it certainly hasn't overtly been stated that there is and she has praised some aspects of the work I've done) and it's just partially us getting used to each other's ways of working.

With regards to phrasing: I'm always aware that English is not my first language, and communication is an important aspect of the role. Ironically, I also feel that I communicate quite well. But there is always the potential for improvement and I know that cultural differences can play a part too (although I have been here for a while!).

Is there any chance your LM could be bullying you?

I have been in a new job since Sept. Four female staff. All 40-50 roughly.

Everyone has cried in my office at one point.

It is not uncommon.

Thankfully for me I am not the cause though!

Best of luck OP

Your line manager was totally out of order, completely insensitive to your wobble. They were wrong to turn it round to their own issues and very unsupportive of you. You had an off day, which culminated in tears, your LM must know this is not your usual response to stress so should have been concerned for you. You may not feel strong enough at the moment to tackle the LM about their response, but if it happens again you definitely need to address it. I would make notes of the interaction, what was said, how it made you feel, so if there is a repetition you can refer back to it.

@Murdoch1949

Your line manager was totally out of order, completely insensitive to your wobble. They were wrong to turn it round to their own issues and very unsupportive of you. You had an off day, which culminated in tears, your LM must know this is not your usual response to stress so should have been concerned for you. You may not feel strong enough at the moment to tackle the LM about their response, but if it happens again you definitely need to address it. I would make notes of the interaction, what was said, how it made you feel, so if there is a repetition you can refer back to it.

I suppose from their pov, I am still quite new in the role and could be a serial crier for all they know!! 😅

@TheAverageUser

I have line managed a lot of people and it's more common than you'd think. It's also more common in men than you'd think.

I have never once judged someone for crying to me, I listen and act appropriately. We're human and 'leave it at the door' is old fashioned and not possible sometimes. For example, I had a girl who was having twice daily fertility injections and needed time to leave and cope with the set backs. I don't think it's unreasonable to cry sometimes. Not all the time obviously but I have never met someone who does that.

Give yourself a break, she sounds like the problem.

I was just going to say that I've seen my male boss cry. Professional. V senior. Board member etc. 40s. Purely due to extreme stress and overwhelm. He just broke down in a one on one meeting. Whilst it caught me completely by surprise, I've never thought any the less of him because of it.

Reading between the lines here, has your line manager basically recognised that her unsupportive control-freakery is having a negative effect on you and explained that she herself is under a lot of stress at the moment?

This happened to me at work once - line manager at the time sent me an email highlighting an issue, I replied saying what I was going to do to sort it out, but he kept coming back in an increasingly nasty tone saying my plans were not adequate. It felt as though there was nothing I could say that would appease him. The tone of his emails caught me on a raw nerve and ended up going off to sob in the loos.

My face unfortunately shows it terribly when I have been weeping - and not in a 'delicate' way - bright red nose, eyes swollen to slits. So I spent the rest of the day having to lie to people about the 'cold' I 'must be coming down with'. Fortunately long before Covid!

I doubt people were fooled, but, these things happen. In fairness that line manager was normally OK and was very kind and supportive when I had to have major surgery, so he must have been having a bad day (or perhaps getting pressure from his LM who was an utter bastard).

So I spent the rest of the day having to lie to people about the 'cold' I 'must be coming down with'. Fortunately long before Covid!

The only previous time I can remember crying at work I think I blurted out that I had "terrible hayfever". Unfortunately it was, like, November 😔😂

@missymayhemsmum

Reading between the lines here, has your line manager basically recognised that her unsupportive control-freakery is having a negative effect on you and explained that she herself is under a lot of stress at the moment?

I think there was definitely an undertone of this.

This isnt acceptable from your LM and I wouldn't be happy with that response. Take some time off regroup if you need to and dont feel bad for getting upset. I have had 1 LM in a 20 year career who also made me feel that way as a 40yr old woman. I didnt stay in that department she was like it to everyone and made you so anxious with her communication style even if you wasnt an anxious person to start with. Since I moved I am still just as busy but without her dont feel overwhelmed by it.

I don’t think a manager should be a pseudo-counsellor to employees but I do think that ideally you would be able to talk frankly about difficulties in your life so they put appropriate support in place. Eg. I once had a period of being allowed to come in late because my line manger knew I was under a lot of stress that was badly affecting my sleeping. It was good to be able to have a proper conversation about it because then we could discuss it constructively and agree where time could be made up 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wasn’t asking her to solve my problems but we were both being realistic about how my life was affecting my work .

@callingon

I don’t think a manager should be a pseudo-counsellor to employees but I do think that ideally you would be able to talk frankly about difficulties in your life so they put appropriate support in place. Eg. I once had a period of being allowed to come in late because my line manger knew I was under a lot of stress that was badly affecting my sleeping. It was good to be able to have a proper conversation about it because then we could discuss it constructively and agree where time could be made up 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wasn’t asking her to solve my problems but we were both being realistic about how my life was affecting my work .

I just don’t think it’s ok to bring your shit to work. I’d never consider explaining to my manager my personal life so in some way they could micro manage me to actually perform.

Ah OP, your update about leukaemia is just awful.

You poor woman.

For goodness sake, go easy on yourself.

Does this LM know what YOU deal with?

Bullshit Bluntness any manager in any decent company would have been on mental health workshop and courses to recognise signs of their staff being overwhelmed. The whole leave your shit at the door is very 1980's stiff upper lip nonsense. They absolutely are not expected to be your counsellor but are expected to sign post to appropriate support services within the company if required. They are there to listen and understand if any of your personal circumstances affect your job. If they cant do that they shouldn't line manage and they certainly shouldn't be going on about how they have it worse than you. One of these days all the dinosaurs will have gone from the workplaces and people who accept that life can affect your ability to cope with work will replace them. Every good manager knows the difference between a staff member who takes the piss and one who seems to be struggling.

I’ve cried at work (I reckon in 3 of my 6 jobs) at least once. It’s unavoidable.

I think you’re doing an absolute mission working and being a mum post leukaemia and pandemic.

Give yourself a break x