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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude or just teenage standards?

50 replies

Hop27 · 16/10/2021 09:10

DSS hasn't been over to our house while I've been home for 6 weeks. He doesn't like me at the minute. It's blown hot and cold for years. Yesterday he decided he wanted to come over and bring 2 mates.
DH goes to collect them, mates walk in. Very polite, 'hello Hop'... thanks for having us. DSS walks past me, head down not even a smile.... AIBU to expect civility? Or is this standard for teens .....

OP posts:
Sleepinghyena · 16/10/2021 09:11

It's rude. Maybe it is typical teen behaviour when they're sulking-but it needs to be challenged.

MrzClaus · 16/10/2021 09:14

That's horribly rude!! If it was teenage standards you'd have had the same treatment from his friends. No one should get away with treating someone like that in their own home!

mbosnz · 16/10/2021 10:02

My daughter, who was brought up, not dragged up, went through a phase of exploring where the line was.

She found that it was when she thumped in or out the house without acknowledging anyone there, going straight to her room, and slamming the doors shut.

She found the line quite clearly, and it was expressed rather firmly.

Cocomarine · 16/10/2021 10:07

I don’t think you need the “or”.
Yes it’s rude.
Yes it’s not unusual in a teen.
It needs to be challenged.

PoptartPoptart · 16/10/2021 10:12

You should have called him out on his rude behaviour in front of his friends. Embarrass him.
How dare he treat you like that in your own home! I don’t tolerate rudeness from anyone.

MintyCedric · 16/10/2021 10:12

No that's bloody rude.

Even if you're not getting on particularly well, he can and should manage a reasonable level of civility while he's in your home.

His dad needs to have a stern word.

cushioncovers · 16/10/2021 10:12

Yes it's rude but also yes it's normal for teenagers to go through this stage.

Original poster
Hop27 · 16/10/2021 10:15

We've gone out to dinner and left them in the house. His mates came down to say bye, enquire about their takeaway pizza and play with Ddog, DSS hid in his room. DH has said he'll address it tomorrow.

OP posts:
Angrynellie · 16/10/2021 10:15

Yes it’s rude.
My own DS gets brought back into line very regularly, he has a tendency to grunt answers very quietly, that in his head pass for properly speaking.

ToastieSnowy · 16/10/2021 10:16

Standard boundary pushing for teenagers. It’s very rude, you need to establish that boundary quickly otherwise your DSS will continue and push it even further.

TammyTwoSwanson · 16/10/2021 10:21

Is there any other context? I know teenagers can sulk and are emotionally immature, but there's still normally a reason for behaviours, valid or not.

Babyghirl · 16/10/2021 10:23

@Hop27
What age is your ss, not that that matters for the rudeness he is shown to you thou. But if he kept it up with me he would not be using my home as a half way house for him and his mates to hang out. Can't show respect don't come back.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 16/10/2021 10:24

I would not tolerate this from my teens towards their Step Dad - why did your dh not pull him up on his behaviour there and then?

Jjjayfee · 16/10/2021 10:25

Sounds like my son and daughter at that age. With hindsight I should not have put up with it. They are lovely now

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 10:26

DH should have called him out on it in front of his mates. If they can be polite so can he.

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 10:26

@PoptartPoptart

You should have called him out on his rude behaviour in front of his friends. Embarrass him. How dare he treat you like that in your own home! I don’t tolerate rudeness from anyone.
Yeah if you never want to see him again this ^^ would be an excellent ploy.

He's a teen, he's immature and- unlike most teens - he has choices. So seeing as he's been avoiding the house for 6 weeks perhaps this isnt the time to law down the law, although obviously the problems bw you and he and his behaviour towards you will need to be addressed going firward.

Do you know what his grievance is, incidentally?

WorraLiberty · 16/10/2021 10:28

It's very rude but you know he doesn't like you, so I'm not sure why you'd ask if it's 'teenage standards'. Especially as you've given examples of his teenage friend being polite Confused

I'm not saying he's right to ignore you in your own house, but you do know the reason why.

2Hot2Handle · 16/10/2021 10:30

Not typical teen behaviour, as you can see from his friends’ behaviour and not acceptable, especially if it’s not resulting from a previous, unresolved issue. He can’t take want he wants and behave badly, just because he’s the offspring, It’s a two-way street, always.
Sounds like DH is going to address it with him, but as a step parent, you are allowed to call him out on his behaviour. You would with any other person.
We accept that children don’t know better and therefore as parents, we guide and teach them. It’s the same for teens.

Ponoka7 · 16/10/2021 10:30

@Babyghirl, it's also the teens home.

DH needs to pull him up tomorrow. That treatment isn't ok just because we don't like other people. Some teenagers make themselves unemployable by their attitudes. My middle DD was very difficult 14-16, but then seemed to change quite quickly. But as this has been on and off for years, it needs honest conversations.

Babyghirl · 16/10/2021 12:54

@ponoka7
Does not give him the right to treat op like shit. He has not been near the house in 6 weeks but its OK for him to use it for sleep overs with his mates when it suits him. Sorry but in sure he's old enough to know his behaviour is bang out of order. And op does not have to put up with it.

Your husband needs to tell him that if his attitude towards you continues then he won't be allowed friends over to stay, you don't get rewarded for bad behaviour.

BeMoreQueer · 16/10/2021 13:13

Look how many people are saying the the dad here should prioritise his new shiny wife’s feelings over his son

You’re the incomer to THEIR relationship

Expect to need to fit round it

He literally didn’t say anything to you. Is a hello to you the tax he has to pay to be allowed in his dads house?

Fuck that bullshit.

Yes he should be spoken to and the root of the matter gotten to but i can point out a few posters here who are going to be complaining in a few years that their kids don’t want to speak to them and they’ve no idea why

Babyghirl · 16/10/2021 13:46

@BeMoreQueer
No one is saying he's putting his wife before his son, just that his son should not be treating people like shit in their own home. I'm sure op feels uncomfortable around him when he treating her like that.

Would not be a nice feeling, so all people are saying is for the father to pull his son up on his attitude and behaviour, like he would if he was treating anybody not just op like he is.

WomanStanleyWoman · 16/10/2021 13:49

Why doesn’t he like you?

girlmom21 · 16/10/2021 13:50

@BeMoreQueer nobody's said that.

She's also not a 'shiny new wife'.

Her stepson is rude. You don't get to be rude for any reason.

butterflyze · 16/10/2021 13:55

Why doesn't he like you? It doesn't matter. He should still be civil to adults in his father's house.