Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude or just teenage standards?

50 replies

Hop27 · 16/10/2021 09:10

DSS hasn't been over to our house while I've been home for 6 weeks. He doesn't like me at the minute. It's blown hot and cold for years. Yesterday he decided he wanted to come over and bring 2 mates.
DH goes to collect them, mates walk in. Very polite, 'hello Hop'... thanks for having us. DSS walks past me, head down not even a smile.... AIBU to expect civility? Or is this standard for teens .....

OP posts:
Taoneusa · 16/10/2021 14:02

I think why he doesn’t like you matters quite a lot.

Did you say hello to him?

SleepQuest33 · 16/10/2021 14:45

I’ve had that from teenage DS once. I spoke to him about it firmly but calmly. He hasn’t done it since. We need to let them know that we deserve respect.

TheBlackArt · 16/10/2021 14:48

OP, brace yourself for the posters that think all stepmothers are evil.

He's totally rude, and your DH needs to sort it.

BeMoreQueer · 16/10/2021 14:54

Advanced search her previous threads and you’ll see this is an ongoing issue.

Step son doesn’t get to be rude. Walking past you is hardly crime of the century

Step son also doesn’t have to like you just because his dad does.

He shouldn’t be made to feel unwelcome in his dads home to suit new wife

New wife that would want that better prepare for their children to play second fiddle to next new wife.

Billandben444 · 16/10/2021 14:57

Why doesn't he like you? It doesn't matter. He should still be civil to adults in his father's house
And yet every other thread on MN re children and dad's new home stipulates that 'it's their home as well and how-very-dare-you suggest that it's not! I agree with you, home is where they live most of the time (and where their guinea pig lives) so they need to up their manners at dad's house.

choli · 16/10/2021 15:02

Is there any other context? I know teenagers can sulk and are emotionally immature, but there's still normally a reason for behaviours, valid or not.
Showing off what he can get away with in front of his friends springs to mind.

WomanStanleyWoman · 16/10/2021 18:20

@butterflyze

Why doesn't he like you? It doesn't matter. He should still be civil to adults in his father's house.
It matters a great deal, actually. If the stepson is throwing a strop and shouting, ‘You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my mom!’, then he needs to grow up a bit. If the stepson and OP have had an argument about something specific or he is unhappy with her behaviour, there needs to be a proper discussion of the issue. ‘Respect’ is two-way, and whether it’s the OP’s ‘own home’ or not, it’s also the stepson’s father’s home. If I had a row with my of my parents, no way would I let them stop me visiting the other. It’s nonsense.

It’s interesting that the OP hasn’t answered my question…

WomanStanleyWoman · 16/10/2021 18:25

@choli

Is there any other context? I know teenagers can sulk and are emotionally immature, but there's still normally a reason for behaviours, valid or not. Showing off what he can get away with in front of his friends springs to mind.
You’ve come to this conclusion on what basis?
NewlyGranny · 16/10/2021 18:26

She's out for dinner! Better things to do than check her thread. Quite right!

DSS is being shown up by his mates. They need to hear, "Good to see you, you both have such lovely manners and it's always a pleasure to have you round. Come again." DSS needs to hear that being said.

BananaPB · 16/10/2021 18:27

I'd expect a hi and bye. I'd expect him to thank Dad for having his mates round but not in front of his mates. (I wouldn't assume he'd thank you directly because he's not on good terms with you)

Kanaloa · 16/10/2021 18:33

I think it depends. Did you say oh hello stepson then he ignored you? Or did you also not acknowledge him? He may have felt awkward if you didn’t speak to him.

I definitely wouldn’t expect him to ‘thank’ his father for letting him have a friend over. My kids don’t say thank you mum for letting Michael come to play. It seems a bit formal and odd really. They would say thanks to another kids mum for having them over.

WomanStanleyWoman · 16/10/2021 18:33

She's out for dinner! Better things to do than check her thread. Quite right!

Eight hours ago! That’s one hell of a dinner!

Maybe she thinks she has better things to do than look at why her relationship with her stepson is so bad that he won’t even speak to her?

TammyTwoSwanson · 16/10/2021 20:55

@choli

Is there any other context? I know teenagers can sulk and are emotionally immature, but there's still normally a reason for behaviours, valid or not. Showing off what he can get away with in front of his friends springs to mind.
Really? That springs to mind?? Says more about you than the child in this situation.
Comedycook · 16/10/2021 20:58

Sounds pretty normal for a teen...yes they're often rude.

As for the friends, they're on best behaviour. They're probably vile to their parents Grin

PinkSyCo · 16/10/2021 21:09

Reminds me a bit of Harry Enfield’s Kevin and Perry where Kevin is a stroppy get around his own parents but a polite little angel to Perry’s lol.

Comedycook · 16/10/2021 21:22

@PinkSyCo

Reminds me a bit of Harry Enfield’s Kevin and Perry where Kevin is a stroppy get around his own parents but a polite little angel to Perry’s lol.
Yeah exactly! I remember the mum of one of my ds friends telling me how polite my ds was at her house...he's an absolute nightmare at home Grin
5foot5 · 16/10/2021 21:38

DH has said he'll address it tomorrow.

GoldChick "DH should have called him out on it in front of his mates. If they can be polite so can he."

I think DH is right and I disagree with GoldChick. Showing him up in front of his mates will do nothing to help the relationship. But the DH should have a talk with him tomorrow and challenge the rude behaviour.

YeOldeTrout · 16/10/2021 21:43

"Lovely to see you too, DSS-name !!" Not that I normally endorse passive aggression, but maybe a bit of sarcastic humour would be appropriate.

Original poster
Hop27 · 16/10/2021 23:41

Yes, I was out for dinner and not checking this. I'm also not in the UK so some difference can be a bit of a pain. I'm not a shiny new wife, been married 6 years. DSS doesn't like me because he thinks DH picked me over him. Wants DH to leave me because I don't get along with his mum. He is 13 about to turn 14.
And yes I said hello.

OP posts:
spongedog · 17/10/2021 00:02

Actually I dont agree with most of the posts on this thread. I have a teenager (male) so come at this with some experience.

I personally think the way his friends are very polite to you (and DH?) shows there are no real concerns in how DSS speaks about you behind your back. If he had been expressing real and serious concerns I doubt they would have been so polite, let alone come over.

Sometimes you have to let things go, even if they are not the perfect way you imagine. Providing they didnt trash the place, he does his jobs/tasks as part of the family, then let his dad deal with any major issues (like not going to school, not doing homework, drugs etc).

My son also has a stepmother who doesnt get on with me. My son doesnt like that. So perhaps you have been too vocal in the past? Your DSS is allowed his own views about you. (And they are not always echoing the views of the other parent). Be very careful - he will decide with his feet in only a couple of years where he wants to spend time.

Kanaloa · 17/10/2021 00:15

So you said ‘hello Jack’ and he just walked right past you? That doesn’t sound good to be honest.

Original poster
Hop27 · 17/10/2021 22:40

@spongedog I've never been vocal about his mum. But I think it's driven by loyalty to his mum. Agree he doesn't need to like me, but he does need to acknowledge me in my own home while I'm hosting his mates.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hop27 · 17/10/2021 22:41

@Kanaloa yes. Exactly that. I did get a grunted morning, so I guess that's progress!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hop27 · 03/11/2021 21:04

So it's not got any better, he's generally been coming to the house when i'm not home. But tonight he was there when I got in. Popped my head into his room to say hello. Nothing just a look of distain, then a muttered fine. DH told him to come down stairs, refused. He then left without saying goodbye. Just at a loss as to what I've done wrong!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hop27 · 04/11/2021 06:37

I'm honestly considering going home late tonight, I just find it too upsetting to be ignored like this in my own home.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page