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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is it possible to have a meaningful relationship with this type of people?

65 replies

User112 · 16/10/2021 08:13

Or is NC the only way?

The kind of people who stealth boast all the time, compete in everything, grabby and greedy. If someone is better than them at ANYthing, they have to put them down instantly. Like say it’s no big deal or something.

SIL has a child the same age as my twins. I have an older child who is particularly good at one sport. She keeps posting on Facebook how her little 5yr old is soo good at THIS PARTICULAR sport and can do better than other kids way older than him (my 13 yr old)!! Wtf ! She kept quizzing my twins on their math skills and then went on to display her DS’s “talent” to my twins. We don’t do pushy/ hot house parenting. Not at reception level. They do. No judgement, absolutely their choice. What got me mad was here using my kids to push her child’s confidence!!

She either has better stuff than us or the things we have arent good enough. She HAS to tell us why she’ll never buy a stupid Tesla because she thinks they are not safe or something else. We never asked her opinion or told her we bought a new car. She heard it from inlaws. They bought a Honda CRV a year ago and couldn’t stop talking about it. We had a Ford Focus then.

DH puts up with it or ignores it. I can’t do either. This woman also thinks she is my mother-in-law and is entitled to get pampered by her brother (via expensive gifts) but never actually reciprocates. Somehow everyone just “gifts” her stuff she wants!! This bit isn’t actually my problem, but you get the picture? She is very manipulative.

Would it be possible to have any meaningful relationship with people like this - without getting into arguments with DH for small things she does. She says/does a million small, rude, thoughtless things then pretends innocence. DH falls for it every time!

I’m at my wits end after years of putting up with passive aggressive shit and I’m seriously considering blocking her everywhere. Luckily she lives 6 hours away. So we don’t see her often.

OP posts:
Clandestin · 16/10/2021 08:20

If she lives six hours away and you seldom see her, is this all happening on the phone? Or social media!? And when you say ‘maintain a relationship with her’, what do you mean?

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 08:21

Just calm down. She's your SiL so she is going to be in your life and her children wil be in your childrens life. Just mute her on Facebook and dont think about her. You dont have to have a "meaningful" relationship with her but neither do you need to start ww3

User112 · 16/10/2021 09:11

All this happens over phone/ Whatsapp and video calling.
I have no intentions of starting WW3. When things cross the line I send her a text saying it’s not ok with us. For example when she started quizzing my twins “do you know 5 times tables? My DS knows. Robbie, can you show your cousins how clever you are?” WTF? She did this shit thrice before I sent her a text to stop it. Then she pretends innocence and how her intentions are not bad. Well, her actions and intentions are never in sync!!

Anyway she told the inlaws about my text and they told me it was just harmless fun. Harmless for who? My twins were just standing there and she was going on about how clever Robbie is. Clearly it was affecting my kids confidence. If anyone did that to SILs kids, hell would break lose! Inlaws really think it’s ok to treat my kids like that???

OP posts:
User112 · 16/10/2021 09:14

Hell! DH thinks it’s ok to treat our kids like that!!
Her behaviour is causing pointless arguments between me and DH. The whole family puts up with her behaviour. It’s like DH is trained from birth to put up with it. I get mad at him for not saying anything.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 09:17

Yeah, you really need to calm down. Your kids probably think she's odd as cod, and will soon conclude she's boring as well. You are having an extreme reaction to a silly, show off who must be massively insecure.

honeylulu · 16/10/2021 09:25

She does sound very annoying but me and my kids would just smirk/ raise eyebrows at each other while she was doing it. She thinks she's making herself look superior whilst actually making herself look like a thundering great twat, which is quite funny really.

User112 · 16/10/2021 09:29

I don’t see her as a positive influence in my or my kids lives. She is definitely not a loving supportive aunt. SIL1 isn’t either, but whenever we meet, she is kind to everyone. We chat occasionally, she has been nothing but kind. She is a doctor in the US, married to a doctor there. Obviously they are very wealthy. But not once did she stealthboast, or say passive-aggressive stuff. SIL1 and DH are very alike.
Every single time we met SIL2, she said something about our house, car, jobs, kids, childcare. It’s usually in a pattern:

Oh, you have X? I have Y. Y is way better than x because …: the whole family sits there quietly!

Luckily my kids don’t have to go to after school club because they have a mum who love them more than having a job (wtf?)

I sacrificed my career for my kids (She never had a career!! Not even proper education!! WTF).

My husband this, my husband that. Tbh, he is a nice chap, but putting up with this all the time is a bit annoying.

Family gatherings are about how her house is better, her husband is better, her kids are better, her ass is better - at the expense of everyone else (my and my kids usually because all others crawl under the doormat for her). When SIL1 visits, she tells her straight to cut it. Needless to say, they don’t get along too much.

Inlaws are on the phone with her for HOURS everyday. It’s exhausting being around her, even for a few mins on the phone. It has to be all about her or putting others down.

OP posts:
Finchall · 16/10/2021 09:34

This is the age old - 'you can't change her, you can only change you' - as in managing the situation.

How much contact you have, how much SM you see, how conversations are shaped, a few key non confrontational responses that show you don't care. (Even if you do).

Detach and focus on you and your family.

Builderscrack · 16/10/2021 09:35

Just here to say ‘thundering great twat’ is my new favourite phrase- and that OP, your SIL most certainly does sound like one. Just keep that in the forefront of your mind and mute away.

User112 · 16/10/2021 09:39

Oh, BTW, when she is not putting us down, she is putting her husband’s family down!

Yesterday “My BIL doesn’t drive. SIL has to drive everywhere. Luckily my husband loves to drive”
This is the 100th time I’m hearing this. Her BIL has a minor disability due to an accident so he doesn’t drive. She rubs it on her SIL so very often! A few weeks ago her SIL was changing into a nice pair of heels for a party after driving there in more comfortable footwear. SIL2 quickly jumped and said “luckily my husband drives, so I don’t have to embarrassingly change after arriving at the venue” !! I couldn’t believe what I heard. Everyone was there, no one said anything!!

It’s the little things that have added up over the years. My eldest goes to a school where he had to pass a test to get a place. Her eldest is taking the exam this year. She already told me several times how pathetic this school is and how she’d never send her child there. Surprisingly, her child is sitting the test !!!! NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING THEN OR EVEN NOW!!!

OP posts:
User112 · 16/10/2021 09:42

I think it’s more my husband’s lack of reaction/response to the crap that’s getting me mad. He just stands there and stares. The whole family does that. Only ONE person finds it irritating. ME.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 16/10/2021 09:44

Nah they've been trained to put up with, presumably there are histrionics from when someone shuts her down???

You could comment EVERy time

Did you mean to be so rude/insensitive?

Porcupineintherough · 16/10/2021 09:46

Maybe just leave him to it then. Let him take the calls, you take the kids and do something else in another room. Just drop the rope.

HollowTalk · 16/10/2021 09:49

She's hedging her bets over the school exam in case her child fails it.

Ledition · 16/10/2021 09:49

Just take a massive step back and hide her on your Social media. No point falling out or letting her know you've blocked her or anything dramatic like that as it's not worth a big family fall out. I have a competitive SIL, she lives down the hill from me (I can literally see their house from my window) yet I'm able to keep her at arms length and only see them every couple of weeks, sometimes longer if I can push it! So it should be easy to keep away from your SIL considering the 6hour distance. Don't get pulled into the competition just ignore it. My DC get on fabulously with their cousins so I just ignore their mothers nonsense and focus on that.

queenMab99 · 16/10/2021 09:51

I had a sil like this, who also encouraged competition between her children and mine, I just let her get on with it, we didn't see them very often. One christmas at the in laws her children asked how many sweets they were allowed to eat, and she told them they could eat 3 more than however many sweets my children ate, not a good thing to tell small children with dodgy stomachs! My children were hardly ever sick and when ocasionally allowed to indulge, did so with gusto and with no nasty consequences. She had not thought it through.Grin

Griefmonster · 16/10/2021 09:52

@Finchall

This is the age old - 'you can't change her, you can only change you' - as in managing the situation.

How much contact you have, how much SM you see, how conversations are shaped, a few key non confrontational responses that show you don't care. (Even if you do).

Detach and focus on you and your family.

Completely agree with this. @User112 in short - no you can't have a meaningful relationship with her and that is fine.

You need to learn how to "grey rock" and you need to focus on you and your family and be very explicit about your values so that when they are in her company they can spot the fact that she is out of alignment, not them.

It's about building a strong base and being sure of yourselves. She is, frankly, irrelevant.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 16/10/2021 09:52

I wouldn’t try to get into anything in the way of a confrontation. Your DH has the right idea, but it doesn’t feel supportive to you because you want to have it out.

You won’t change her by trying to shame her.

So you need to reframe your response.

At the moment, you are, unwillingly and unwittingly, entering into her competition. Stop doing this, don’t give it headspace.

Instead, think of her as a completely ridiculous individual, who makes herself look stupid each time she opens her mouth. Anyone rational wouldn’t give any credence to anything she says. Treat her as an odd museum exhibit or a case study. She’s nothing to do with your life, you don’t get your worth from her approval or otherwise, so just rise above and observe her as you would a scientific specimen.

It’s very satisfying 😁

Griefmonster · 16/10/2021 09:54

Also be very careful about your attitude to her children. They have no control over how she is presenting/using them. Make sure you always engage with them on their terms as individuals, not in response to her or what she focusses on.

Bortles · 16/10/2021 09:59

Id be tempted to beat her at her own game in the PA stakes. When she's boasting Id wait five minutes and then, as part of another likely conversation started by you, say 'isnt it tragic when people have to boast all the time, it really shows their low self esteem.' ... Or 'I cant imagine insulting anyone's choices when my opinion isnt asked for, it's so rude and petty'.

She cant claim it's aimed at her without admitting she's boasting or insulting etc.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 16/10/2021 10:03

We have one of those,
was forever going on about how advanced child number 1 was. We'd all keep shtum as more experienced parents- we all knew it was far from the truth.
All came a bit undone when said child started school and the reality slowly dawned upon her.
Loves bragging to her friends on S.media about what she's got, as does her partner.
She did put a picture of her in my kitchen on her Instagram once (I don't follow her but 1 of the kids does and showed me ) giving the impression to her Instagram cronies that it was a house they were thinking of buying😂.

All very sad but we all have a little chuckle and leave them to it.

alligatorpeardrop · 16/10/2021 10:17

My ex SiL was a bit like this, the whole family allow it and she gets away with making everything about her. I'm so glad I don't have to see her anymore.

It's tough, I understand, as PP have said, try to mute her and ignore as much as is possible.

AuntieDolly · 16/10/2021 10:28

"That's nice dear" and ignore

User112 · 16/10/2021 10:33

@Griefmonster

Also be very careful about your attitude to her children. They have no control over how she is presenting/using them. Make sure you always engage with them on their terms as individuals, not in response to her or what she focusses on.
I actually don’t like them too. They are just like her. One child had the nerve to ask me if my car is clean because he doesn’t like dirty cars. Theirs was always filthy (small children) and they just had it valeted that weekend. And suddenly this child doesn’t like messy cars !! Hez only 7, but still 😳
OP posts:
MargaretFaffter · 16/10/2021 10:36

I note she picked one of the easier times tables (5) to demonstrate her kid’s mathematical brilliance. She should’ve gone with 8 or 12. Now that’s some impressive shit.

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