Is it possible to have a meaningful relationship with this type of people?

[User112]

Or is NC the only way?

The kind of people who stealth boast all the time, compete in everything, grabby and greedy. If someone is better than them at ANYthing, they have to put them down instantly. Like say it’s no big deal or something.

SIL has a child the same age as my twins. I have an older child who is particularly good at one sport. She keeps posting on Facebook how her little 5yr old is soo good at THIS PARTICULAR sport and can do better than other kids way older than him (my 13 yr old)!! Wtf ! She kept quizzing my twins on their math skills and then went on to display her DS’s “talent” to my twins. We don’t do pushy/ hot house parenting. Not at reception level. They do. No judgement, absolutely their choice. What got me mad was here using my kids to push her child’s confidence!!

She either has better stuff than us or the things we have arent good enough. She HAS to tell us why she’ll never buy a stupid Tesla because she thinks they are not safe or something else. We never asked her opinion or told her we bought a new car. She heard it from inlaws. They bought a Honda CRV a year ago and couldn’t stop talking about it. We had a Ford Focus then.

DH puts up with it or ignores it. I can’t do either. This woman also thinks she is my mother-in-law and is entitled to get pampered by her brother (via expensive gifts) but never actually reciprocates. Somehow everyone just “gifts” her stuff she wants!! This bit isn’t actually my problem, but you get the picture? She is very manipulative.

Would it be possible to have any meaningful relationship with people like this - without getting into arguments with DH for small things she does. She says/does a million small, rude, thoughtless things then pretends innocence. DH falls for it every time!

I’m at my wits end after years of putting up with passive aggressive shit and I’m seriously considering blocking her everywhere. Luckily she lives 6 hours away. So we don’t see her often.

She does sound like a complete cow but you also need to chill out about it - you're making things much harder for yourself.

You either can make your peace with it and tolerate it or you can't... if you choose not to engage with her then you can absolutely do that (no-one would blame you) but you can't expect to control your DH's relationship with her.

As a PP mentioned you are also fuelling this by inadvertantly entering into competitive tit for tat. The only way to deal with people like this is to totally rise above it and not react at all. If you let her see you're rattled by it she will just escalate.

This sort of thing by its very nature is rarely one-sided, as the other person tends to 'snap' and starts competing/boasting back, which makes everything worse.

I don't think either of you can have a meaningful relationship and I don't see why you'd bother trying.

There's a chance she'll stumble across this thread at some point anyway, so it may not be a problem for too long.

@Bortles

Id be tempted to beat her at her own game in the PA stakes. When she's boasting Id wait five minutes and then, as part of another likely conversation started by you, say 'isnt it tragic when people have to boast all the time, it really shows their low self esteem.' ... Or 'I cant imagine insulting anyone's choices when my opinion isnt asked for, it's so rude and petty'.

She cant claim it's aimed at her without admitting she's boasting or insulting etc.

Exactly! Thank you

@MargaretFaffter

I note she picked one of the easier times tables (5) to demonstrate her kid’s mathematical brilliance. She should’ve gone with 8 or 12. Now that’s some impressive shit.

That was when they were only 4 :(

@WorraLiberty

This sort of thing by its very nature is rarely one-sided, as the other person tends to 'snap' and starts competing/boasting back, which makes everything worse.

I don't think either of you can have a meaningful relationship and I don't see why you'd bother trying.

There's a chance she'll stumble across this thread at some point anyway, so it may not be a problem for too long.

Absolutely not. Unless you consider having certain kind of stuff itself as boastful. I don’t think I’m getting triggered by boasting, it’s easy to ignore. It’s getting on my nerves when she puts down my choices.

@thepeopleversuswork

She does sound like a complete cow but you also need to chill out about it - you're making things much harder for yourself.

You either can make your peace with it and tolerate it or you can't... if you choose not to engage with her then you can absolutely do that (no-one would blame you) but you can't expect to control your DH's relationship with her.

As a PP mentioned you are also fuelling this by inadvertantly entering into competitive tit for tat. The only way to deal with people like this is to totally rise above it and not react at all. If you let her see you're rattled by it she will just escalate.

I didn’t realise I was entering into a tit-for-tat here. How exactly am I doing this? I only told her to stop.

Absolutely not. Unless you consider having certain kind of stuff itself as boastful. I don’t think I’m getting triggered by boasting, it’s easy to ignore. It’s getting on my nerves when she puts down my choices.

You've gone into some very minute, extreme details on this thread and I'm sorry but I can't believe all of it is completely one-sided. Mostly because absolutely no-one in the family has a problem with her, including your DH.

Do you think there's a chance it's because they think it's 6 of 1 and a half dozen of the other?

@AuntieDolly

"That's nice dear" and ignore

^^ this

It's getting on my nerves when she puts down my choices
I feel your pain! I too have a SIL who is a bit like that. Luckily, due to Covid (and my carefully co-ordinated 'unavailability' when meet-ups are planned), I haven't had to see her for over two years.

@User112

You said yourself in your own post that you can't ignore her and that you get into arguments with your DH about it. You don't specify exactly what is meant by not ignoring her but your post implies that you have tolder to back off.

By doing these things you're signalling to this woman that you care about her opinions and behaviour.

If you really want to disengage with her you need to stop doing this. You're making it worse by handing her the power.

And unless she's being explicitly aggressive or unpleasant to you and hour children you need to stop making it your DH's problem.

Sorry but you can't have it both ways. If you want to block and disengage that's completely reasonable but you've got to follow through and stop reacting to/caring about her.

When things cross the line I send her a text saying it’s not ok with us

Why would you do this? Just ignore her. And if she's 6 hours away of course you can do this.

If she's on a video call & starts nonsense with the DC, you step in & say you've to go, change the topic or whatever. There is no need to fuel it further by sending texts.

She never had a career!! Not even proper education!! WTF).

This is horrible and paints you in a bad light.

It actually sounds to me like you've quite an issue with her. If she's as batshit as you describe, let her off, and stop fighting with DH about it. She's his sister, let him engage how he wishes. You can just disengage from her behaviour. Who cares what she thinks? It's really sad - for her - that she's to keep comparing herself & her DC to your family.

Exactly @EarringsandLipstick. The little digs at the OP's SIL as the thread goes on, is what makes me think not all of this is one-sided.

I can see why the rest of the family don't want to get involved.

I think this is where grey rock would help. Clearly her behaviour is riling you. So I would keep communication with her to a minimum. In events which you can't avoid, just grey rock and don't engage. If she involves your children, just stop her right there and then. Tell her they've come here to have fun and not parrot times tables or whatever else she questions them on.

I'm afraid I'd go the opposite way to PP.
I can understand that your DP, for whom it's the only thing he has ever known,would have difficulty calling her out on it but there's nothing stopping you.
Every time she goes into competition mode I'd stop her. About the kids - oh we don't compare, we don't compete, let's not do school in fun time etc etc. And be firm.
About cars, possessions... well we decided this was better, you're not right all the time, there's no right or wrong about this we just disagree, etc etc.
You may find there are fewer and fewer things left to talk about but then that may be a good thing!
But no, I wouldn't grey rock and absorb all that shit because you're asking your DC to do that too and that is all kinds of wrong.

@MiddlesexGirl

I'm afraid I'd go the opposite way to PP. I can understand that your DP, for whom it's the only thing he has ever known,would have difficulty calling her out on it but there's nothing stopping you. Every time she goes into competition mode I'd stop her. About the kids - oh we don't compare, we don't compete, let's not do school in fun time etc etc. And be firm. About cars, possessions... well we decided this was better, you're not right all the time, there's no right or wrong about this we just disagree, etc etc. You may find there are fewer and fewer things left to talk about but then that may be a good thing! But no, I wouldn't grey rock and absorb all that shit because you're asking your DC to do that too and that is all kinds of wrong.

But @MiddlesexGirl by the sounds of it the OP is already doing this or a version of this and its not helping. It's stressing the OP out and making the SIL worse.

The kids don't have to absorb it if they aren't forced to spend time with the SIL.

The only way to deal with people like this is to disengage but you can't disengage if you're still involved in a back and forth with them.

There probably isn't a solution you haven't already considered. There's a spectrum from NC, grey rock, go with the flow (DP), engage for comedy value, nip it in the bud (SIL2) and bite back then escalate. Your DP has been trained to go with the flow. You have to pick your strategy and own it as SIL1 won't change. Probably unhelpful to get upset with your DP because he's been trained to go with the flow. Though you might see it as DP not having your back or accepting it, you will just be allowing your SIL1 to sow discord in your family.

Wait for the fun if SIL DC doesn't pass the entrance exam.

You could think aloud at the stages your gifted DC hit in their sport if her younger DC doesn't achieve the same. It just depends on your strategy, comedy or grey rock.

Good luck.

No I don't think you can have a meaningful relationship with them as they have different values. Just avoid avoid avoid

@Zilla1

There probably isn't a solution you haven't already considered. There's a spectrum from NC, grey rock, go with the flow (DP), engage for comedy value, nip it in the bud (SIL2) and bite back then escalate. Your DP has been trained to go with the flow. You have to pick your strategy and own it as SIL1 won't change. Probably unhelpful to get upset with your DP because he's been trained to go with the flow. Though you might see it as DP not having your back or accepting it, you will just be allowing your SIL1 to sow discord in your family.

Wait for the fun if SIL DC doesn't pass the entrance exam.

You could think aloud at the stages your gifted DC hit in their sport if her younger DC doesn't achieve the same. It just depends on your strategy, comedy or grey rock.

Good luck.

I’m in a way terrified of her child not passing the exam. Poor DS already heard several times how bad his school is.

Replies here have given me a lot to think about. Thank you all very much.

I only wanted a decent civil relationship with inlaws - based on mutual respect. I only expect what I give. However, for many many years this woman has only given me and my kids headaches. DH and I had a lot of arguments too. He just can’t say anything to her even though he agrees in private she is bonkers! I think she sees this lack of reaction as approval.
Also, I think SIL is on mumsnet and one of the replies sounds like her. I really don’t care at this point - when she reads all that I wrote here, I hope she understands what her behaviour is like and makes amends.
I’ve decided to mute her on social media for a while and see how it goes.

Unfortunately, her kids are just like her and the eldest takes constant digs at mine. We brought up our kids with some manners and he will never say such things to others. DS didnt want to come for dinner at inlaws because his cousin will be there.
That child puts down DS “oh the competitions must have been really easy for you to get so many medals! They are super hard now”. The cousin is 11!!
I put up with this shit, ignored it etc when my kids were little. I’m not going to allow her and her kids to walk over mine for whatever reasons.

Given her behaviour so far, She only showed she is jealous and manipulative. She behaves like someone who’d love to see us fall so she feels better about herself. I wish her and her kids well. I am no longer going to engage with her. If my kids don’t want to meet them, they won’t. I won’t alllow anyone to pressurise them to go. DH can worship the ground his sister walks on - me and my kids won’t.
Also, at family dinners, ONE dig at me or my kids, we’ll just get up and go home. I’m totally done.

I’d be less pissed off at having a manipulative SIL than I would be having an easily manipulated husband 🤷🏻‍♀️

There’d be strong words in my house about the expensive presents.

That all makes sense, OP. Perhaps a combination of muting social media, enforcing boundaries when you meet, insisting on equality of expenditure on presents with no side presents by DP and giving your DC permission to reply if they want when attacked 'Standards were lower? Haha, my coaches say every coach they meet repeatedly say standards lipped significantly in lower age groups. I think they put it down to lack of talent, discipline and effort' might make things tolerable?

I imagine it will be interesting what happens about the exam either way. Whether her tune changes about selective schooling?? if their DC passes, how she handles failure and whether ILs congratulate and/or reward the DC to the same extent they did yours.

Good luck.

A relative replied to a picture of my 3yo playing with some other toddler friends in a playground the other day, saying that her similar aged child can only play with school aged plus kids these days because he is so advanced

I said oh DD is just average so she doesn't mind.

People are weird. I feel very sorry for the children of parents like this.

Look, she has no achievements of her own. Her boasting is probably just her way of masking her deep inner sense of insecurity and inadequacy. Genuinely secure people don't feel the need to do this - and they don't have to as they are achieving actual real things that other people can see them achieving. She's filled her life with petty achievements (not needing to change shoes when she arrives at a venue) as she has nothing else. If she was genuinely happy with her choice as SAHM, she wouldn't need to do this. Women I know who have made an active, positive choice to be a SAHM don't do this.

I would just cut her out.

But OP how often do you see her in person? Surely only occasionally at the best of times & not at all for a lot of the last 18 months?

You mention the comments her DS makes. These must be on a call? So you can just a) not take calls or so it infrequently b) in a call just say - that's not a nice or fair thing to say, we need to go now.

You're addressing the issue without making a big deal, and by ending the call. You can have very infrequent calls as suits you.

I really do think you're making more of a drama than is necessary and I think many of your comments are quite unpleasant. I think your SIL & family sound annoying & painful but I don't think comments like this reflect well on you:

She only showed she is jealous and manipulative. She behaves like someone who’d love to see us fall so she feels better about herself.

Put your phone down and walk away from social media. Problem solved.

@EarringsandLipstick

But OP how often do you see her in person? Surely only occasionally at the best of times & not at all for a lot of the last 18 months?

You mention the comments her DS makes. These must be on a call? So you can just a) not take calls or so it infrequently b) in a call just say - that's not a nice or fair thing to say, we need to go now.

You're addressing the issue without making a big deal, and by ending the call. You can have very infrequent calls as suits you.

I really do think you're making more of a drama than is necessary and I think many of your comments are quite unpleasant. I think your SIL & family sound annoying & painful but I don't think comments like this reflect well on you:

She only showed she is jealous and manipulative. She behaves like someone who’d love to see us fall so she feels better about herself.

She is here at her parents every half term, every bank holiday and sometimes in between. The whole family hangs around either at inlaws place or ours (just a few miles away).