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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be torn between pursuing motherhood or remaining childless

44 replies

Lucille89 · 15/10/2021 10:58

Hello. I'm 40 and have had fertility problems for 7 years. When I first found out I could not conceive naturally I was devastated and fell into a deep depression. 7 years on and many failed IVF cycles, miscarriages and heartache. I've learned that life doesn't always turn out how you might imagine, I've also had a lot of time to think about the realities of motherhood and raising a child.

I feel very torn. I'm happy now, have a loving relationship with DP, a home, a business and have time to do things I love. However, part of me will always feel the void of the children that didn't live. I have a lot of love in my heart and a small part of me still yearns for a child. I also know that I enjoy my current lifestyle and being brutally honest would probably find the daily grind of raising a child dull at times (please don't judge). I'm convincing myself after all this that maybe motherhood is not for me after all, and to just be grateful and happy for what I have now.

One of my losses was in the second trimester which was very hard. Pregnancy also nearly killed me when I had an ectopic pregnancy (led to infertility) It has been traumatic. I had therapy which has helped. Remaining childless protects me from more IVF failures and pregnancy losses.

I guess what I'm looking for is a perspective from people don't have children (not by choice) how did you move on and does the grief get easier over time? How did you embrace this path fully. I wish I had the answers. Realistically because of my age I need to decide soon, which is why I am thinking about it constantly. Just writing this all down has helped- thanks for anyone who has read this far! Any words of advice or wisdom would be really appreciated.

OP posts:

Echobelly · 15/10/2021 11:02

I'm not in that position but I do have a friend who wanted children so badly, wasn't able to conceive and her marriage broke down but she is happy now and feels she has made peace with not having kids. She makes the most of her friends and support network, which I think is a big part of moving on with life.

I'm sorry you're going through such tough experiences and hope you can find a happy balance one way or another

CounsellorTroi · 15/10/2021 11:08

Hi OP. I’m also childless after many years of IVF. It did get easier and less raw with time. I’m 60 now. I have a really good marriage and a nice life, I was able to retire early, which was partly due to never taking career breaks, which was something of a silver lining. I do get the odd wistful moment but it is no longer an aching void in my life. Wishing you all the best.

CounsellorTroi · 15/10/2021 11:08

I’m sorry for your losses 💐

RedCarsGoFaster · 15/10/2021 11:16

It does get a bit easier, but I still cry. I'm also 40, different situation - DH is infertile.

We decided not to do IVF for a multitude of reasons, not least of all money.

We console ourselves with a lot of other things in life we wouldn't have - lie ins, popping to the pub or out for dinner etc and basically being selfish in ways we couldn't - or wouldn't - with young children in tow.

It's not a lot, but it's all I have right now.

Original poster

Lucille89 · 15/10/2021 11:18

@CounsellorTroi

Hi @CounsellorTroi thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry for your loss and grief. It is so tough when IVF doesn't work. I'm glad things got easier for you. It is comforting and reassuring for me to hear that. Sounds like you have a wonderful life now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucille89 · 15/10/2021 11:22

@RedCarsGoFaster

It does get a bit easier, but I still cry. I'm also 40, different situation - DH is infertile.

We decided not to do IVF for a multitude of reasons, not least of all money.

It's not a lot, but it's all I have right now.

@RedCarsGoFaster I am so sorry you're in a similar position. Some days it can be very hard.

Embracing all the things you love and the freedom your lifestyle allows sounds brilliant and I am doing the same. So cheers to that. Sounds like we are at a similar stage, acceptance- (sort of). I have sad days too.

PS. I don't think doing lovely things for yourself should ever be described as selfish.

OP posts:

anthurium · 15/10/2021 11:33

I'm not in your position however do have experience with fertility treatments.

I'm going to be gentle here and ask whether you would be wiling to consider donor eggs, or even embryo donation? Apologies if this is something you've already considered and aren't willing to pursue. It wasn't mentioned in your original thread. I certainly do not want to be giving you 'bingoes' you might have heard over the years....

Have you heard of Gateway Women? It's a network for women who are involuntarily childless, there are a lot of resources available as well as virtual/online support.

I think it all depends what else is going on in your life. You said you have a loving relationship with a partner/a home you enjoy as well as a business. I'd imagine for a single childless female with no partner/no fulfilling career/unstable home her feelings towards this would be more exacerbated as it'd be another loss on top of all the other losses....

Judy Day of Gateway Women describes these feelings as disenfranchised grief - when your grieving doesn't fit in with your larger society's attitude about dealing with death and loss - for the future that you'd imagined....

Everyone is different when it cones to grieving/coping there's no formula that works for all.

anthurium · 15/10/2021 11:34

*Jody Day not Judy

anthurium · 15/10/2021 11:34

*I'm sorry for your losses

garlicandsapphires · 15/10/2021 11:40

Joining the discussion but with no words of wisdom as I’m in a similar position and age. There’s so much about a child free future that sounds appealing but I do have to work hard to convince myself sometimes.

anthurium · 15/10/2021 11:51

@garlicandsapphires

@garlicandsapphires

I think the issue is that we live in a pro-natalist society and there's an expectation to have a family... And society is geared up towards coupledom/family existence.

It is different for those who are child free by choice and those who are childless not by choice...

For many people it is simply the next thing to do on the list of 'adulting'..find a partner/settle down/get married/have children. Some manage achieve all of these ideals other's not.

It is tough to have to in a way carve out a new 'narrative' that is meaningful to you.
And I think the crux of the issue is finding meaning and fulfilment in your new situation not just to be filling time as a way to distract yourself (of course this can take time/lots of false starts etc).

Original poster

Lucille89 · 15/10/2021 13:10

@anthurium thanks for asking sensitively. I am considering altruistic egg donation in the UK. I'm mixed heritage so finding a donor to 'match' will be impossible. But I'm researching, listening to DC podcasts, doing my homework... Still very much on the fence about it.

Gateway women is a really helpful resource, Jody Day is brilliant.

I completely agree with you re building a new narrative that holds meaning, and not just filling in the time with distractions. Thanks for your insight and wisdom.

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Pinkfairylights · 15/10/2021 13:15

I'm so sorry for your losses

At 41 I gave up my dream of being a mum. I didn't get as far as IVF because I couldn't face any more intrusive procedures.

That was a while ago and I have a good life. I'm at a stage where sometimes I have a momentary pang about not being a parent but it soon passes.

hpstitch · 15/10/2021 15:54

I am an older parent and I know that its not just me, but parents have pangs about how we thought parenthood would be. To be it's so so much harder and my kids are nothing like how I imagined. Their personality, interests, they don't look like me, but just like DH maybe that's a benefit.

I had previously been in a relationship until age 35, were my DP didn't want children. I tried to make peace with that, and remember reading a really old book called childless by marriage. The relationship broke down eventually but we were together 27-35.

hpstitch · 15/10/2021 15:55

And I am sorry for all your pain and losses💐

Original poster

Lucille89 · 15/10/2021 17:27

@Pinkfairylights I’m so sorry. That must have been so incredibly tough.
It’s good to hear time has helped heal you. Thank you for sharing your experience x

OP posts:

WhatDidISayAlan · 15/10/2021 17:32

It gets easier, and I’ve made peace with it. I do have pangs, but I’m also older band wiser to appreciate the good things that I now enjoy because so don’t have children.
The one thing I noticed was that the pangs got louder as I fell into perimenopause- almost as if it’s your body screaming at you to have kids - but now that I’m 49, with the menopause fast approaching, it’s gone silent. In some ways, I feel that my body has made up my mind for me.

Be kind to yourself. I am discovering that a life without children is so different than the life with children that I envisaged, but my life now is still a full, fruitful, and worthwhile one to have.

Original poster

Lucille89 · 15/10/2021 17:40

@hpstitch thank you, I really appreciate your honesty regarding being a parent. I worry about this a lot and honestly a lot of the time think I wouldn’t be cut out for it… But then I think about the joyful moments and love. I do appreciate you being honest. A lot of my friends are mums and I wish they would be more open about struggles. Parenting seems quite competitive (maybe it’s my circle or where I live), and everyone seems to be nailing it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lucille89 · 15/10/2021 17:42

@WhatDidISayAlan Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. It sounds like your life is rich and full of purpose.

OP posts:

IsabelHerna · 19/10/2021 13:40

I am not there yet. I am still fighting, (now on my own with sperm donor), but I think you're going at it correctly. My aunt never had children (not by choice), but she created a life and a daily routine so full and fulfilling. She invested time spending with us (nieces and nephews), traveling, doing things she likes. I don't know if it's because of her personality or because she had more time to spend on things she likes, but I always admired that on her.
Sorry for the rambling I wish you will have a beautiful and full life

Original poster

Lucille89 · 27/10/2021 14:57

@IsabelHerna thank you for your kindness. Wishing you luck on your journey x

OP posts:

IsabelHerna · 28/10/2021 13:37

@Lucille89 Thank you, I am gonna need all the luck I can get

whatdoesithold · 28/10/2021 14:07

I decided not to try again. It was hard and it makes me sad sometimes. I made some decisions about changing my life (took a new job where having children would have made it unrealistic to think I could have succeeded - lots of travel etc) and tried to map out a life without them. A change in mindset. I am sure there is more grief to come but for me planning a life and saying yes to things where being child free is useful has made it easier. I also spent some time considering the ways in which having children would not necessarily have been the right thing for me. Ultimately it is not a choice I would have made but life still has so much to offer I kind of can't let myself dwell on what I don't have. It's a process though and I don't think I will never feel sad about it

Lottapianos · 28/10/2021 14:15

You are not unreasonable at all to be feeling ambivalent. Many of us do around this issue. I am so sorry for your losses. The grief of not having children is real, and raw, and it bloody hurts

That said, listen hard to the part of yourself that sees the lovely things in your life, and that wonders whether having a child would actually be as fulfilling as it seems. That's the first signs of you starting to heal, and to feel peace about not being a parent. It's a long process (in my experience) and an intensely personal one. And you never get to a place where you are one hundred percent fine with not having children. I don't think it's unusual to be less than one hundred percent sure about children, whatever side of the fence you end up on. I often have wistful moments, and sometimes cry over not having children, and couldn't cope with a baby shower for example, but I also have moments of intense gratitude that my life turned out this way. So go with it - lean in to the grief, and let it out, but embrace the peace too, when it comes

Pickles89 · 28/10/2021 14:21

You could look into respite/emergency fostering? I have ME and would never be able to look after little ones full time but I have a lot of love to give, and this is my goal one day. It would be an amazing thing to do but you'd be able to have as much time as you needed to just be 'you' inbetween placements.

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