To be torn between pursuing motherhood or remaining childless

[Lucille89]

Hello. I'm 40 and have had fertility problems for 7 years. When I first found out I could not conceive naturally I was devastated and fell into a deep depression. 7 years on and many failed IVF cycles, miscarriages and heartache. I've learned that life doesn't always turn out how you might imagine, I've also had a lot of time to think about the realities of motherhood and raising a child.

I feel very torn. I'm happy now, have a loving relationship with DP, a home, a business and have time to do things I love. However, part of me will always feel the void of the children that didn't live. I have a lot of love in my heart and a small part of me still yearns for a child. I also know that I enjoy my current lifestyle and being brutally honest would probably find the daily grind of raising a child dull at times (please don't judge). I'm convincing myself after all this that maybe motherhood is not for me after all, and to just be grateful and happy for what I have now.

One of my losses was in the second trimester which was very hard. Pregnancy also nearly killed me when I had an ectopic pregnancy (led to infertility) It has been traumatic. I had therapy which has helped. Remaining childless protects me from more IVF failures and pregnancy losses.

I guess what I'm looking for is a perspective from people don't have children (not by choice) how did you move on and does the grief get easier over time? How did you embrace this path fully. I wish I had the answers. Realistically because of my age I need to decide soon, which is why I am thinking about it constantly. Just writing this all down has helped- thanks for anyone who has read this far! Any words of advice or wisdom would be really appreciated.

I have ovarian failure, diagnosed 10 years ago when I was 27. I had always wanted children. I ignored to diagnosis for a couple of years.

I think I've now come to terms with it as much as I can. I try and live the life I think that maybe was destined for me. I cherish my nieces and nephew, and pride myself on being a great aunt to them. I have also become a 'mum' to animals, 5 in total, and I love them. They obviously don't replace human children, but the comfort I get from them is lovely.

My DP and I have spoken about adoption, which is something we might consider in a few years. I like the idea of being a loving parent to a child who otherwise, for whatever reason, has found themselves alone.

My advice would be embrace what you have, live the life you have been gifted, be kind, and follow your right path. Not all things are meant for all people. Your love and kindness is meant to be directed in a different way x

Have decided not to have kids & just want to say it’s “childfree” which is the more positive term. Though understand it’s different when due to reasons of infertility

But if you decide to not have kids it’s nicer to be “free” not “less”

Perhaps using the more accepted term for it may help you feel more positive about it?

Just that “childless” is actually seen as a derogatory term used by parents/society to describe a woman without children

We are not less than. Men are rarely described as childless.

Sorry you’ve had a tough time of it.

@smoko

Just that “childless” is actually seen as a derogatory term used by parents/society to describe a woman without children

We are not less than. Men are rarely described as childless.

Sorry you’ve had a tough time of it.

I've come across 'child free by choice' and 'childless not by choice'.

I guess the first statement reflects a degree of decision making over your status? You chose to remain child free. The second implies it wasn't what you would have chosen, a lack of something?

It depends how people feel surely?

Reviving this thread because it impacted me, but OP I am in the same boat despite being about 15 years younger, had 2 losses second trimester and don't know if I could go through all that again. Also, my lifestyle has finally got to a point where every few months to every 6 months I can fly off wherever I want, have constant weekends away to london/disney paris etc and comfortable financially after the relationship ending. It's been 18 months now and I still don't feel the urge to move on but sometimes wish for a child of my own.

Some people prefer childless to childfree. Please don't police language on such a sensitive issue.

It does get easier. I started having fertility investigations and treatment at 28, and had my last cycle of IVF at 32. Also had IUI twice. 2nd cycle of IVF ended in miscarriage at 14 weeks. I then fell pregnant naturally at 40, but had an abusive husband, and miscarried again. My menopause was complete by 45.
I did take timeout from work to properly grieve my loss after the 1st miscarriage, and come to terms with the fact that my possible future of being a mother, and grandmother wouldn’t happen for me. I came to terms with the fact that I wouldn’t have birthdays parties for my children, no Christmases with children, no raising a child with the love that I have always felt. I had always wanted children. I needed to change me perspective, or the narrative of my life, to match reality…I wasn’t going to be a mother.

I then changed my career to become a nurse specialist, as I wanted to have a something that gave me more in the sense of being demanding, immersive, and compassionate. That helped enormously. It’s an honour and a privilege to manage the care of people when they are at their must vulnerable, and as far as I’m concerned, my patients deserve, and get, the best of the care I’d want for my family.

Another thing that helped, was I had wonderful friends, a couple had children and were generous with babysitting duties(!), and 2 others who went through fertility treatment, and successfully had children. It was a poignant, tearful, and wonderful time to share this with them, and be an ‘aunty’.

Ultimately, time, the menopause, and allowing yourself to face the things that hurt will help in healing. There’s no longer a space inside where there used to be. I’ve lived alone for the past 14years, but have love from family and friends, other people’s children, a good job, and a home. I might not be setting the world on fire, but I’m comfortable with myself at 56.

I wish you the very best, whether you decide to pursue other ways of having a family or not. Infertility makes you feel very vulnerable and powerless, and taking that back to decide no more treatment can be empowering.

I was basically in your position at a similar age, 20 years ago. We considered egg donation and were technically waiting for that for a couple of years, but it made me uneasy. I was involved in a scheme where if we paid for another couples IVF, which we could have done, we would get half their eggs. I realised that if it was the other way round, no way would I want MY eggs to be given to someone else. They would have my child and I didn't like the idea of handing over responsibility for that child to someone else.

When we finally came to the top of the list, and went for a consultation, the very experience of being in the clinic again, discussing treatments made my mind up - I wasn't going to do it.

Adoption was in the back of my mind but I had never discussed it with DH and imagined he wouldn't go for it. Then a friend / work colleague started that process and it suddenly seemed, not just a possibility, but a pretty definite way of becoming a parent. After all the uncertainty, that felt refreshing. DH agreed and that's what we did.

But it is important to say that the years of infertility had helped me realise I COULD bear not having my own genetic child and what I really found hard to give up on was being a parent.

Adoption is not easy though and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone who hadn't accepted their infertility. The process wasn't the issue - we were confident about that, frustrating as it was - and we went through it twice. But adopting is nothing like having your own and we have had an "interesting" time with our kids. I don't regret anything though. And certainly am no longered bothered about not having had genetically related children.

I would say though that I used to imagine that if one of mine had a teenage pregnancy, much as I wouldn't want that for them, I felt I would relish the chance to support them and be there from the birth. Now I can't think of anything I'd like less! And find it hard to remember my desperation to have a baby 20 years ago.

I am really really sorry for your losses. I have little sympathy for people who cause their own situations and don't take emotional responsibility for it. But for fertility there is literally nothing that can be said. Zero blame. I'm sorry for that. What else if anything could help?

I know this is an older thread reserected but I hope you're feeling better, OP.

I went through a similar journey between ages 25-35 and had to accept being childless.

To be honest, on balance, I really enjoy my life and if I'd have had children then there are many things I'd have missed out on. I've been able to focus on hobbies, make lots of friends, change careers, move where I wanted (not factoring in schools) travel quite a lot, and I really love the freedom and spontaneity I have.

I can see how tough it is on my friends who are parents; the sacrifices and the strains on their marriages, especially one friend who sadly has a disabled child, her life is completely changed and there's very little help for her, it's heartbreaking.

I remind myself that being a parent isn't the be all and end all in life, and it doesn't always look/feel the way you imagine - I think focusing on this has helped me appreciate my life and heal.

I really appreciate your messages and kindness, thank you. An update in case in helps anyone else in a similar boat, I’m pretty sure, 85%ish that I’m not going to pursue donor conception and follow my plan B which is a life without children. I do feel more hopeful than I did six months ago and can see many positives. Seeing friends more and going out doing things I love, museums, walks, creative hobbies has helped immensely. I appreciate my freedom. Still some days are sad but trying to focus on what’s good and there is plenty of that.

Dear OP,

I have just found this thread from searching childless.. I just wondered if you were still thinking along the same lines 6 months on?

I know Christmas is a difficult time, and for me this week has been particularly difficult after a friend aged 41 has just given birth.

Im 38 and have a miscarriage and BFN under my belt after 2 rounds of ICSI the last one being 2013.

Im not sure if it’s my friends pregnancy that have stirred up emotions or maybe I’m peri menopausal but I’m really struggling at the moment.

I hope you are doing OK OP.

You aren't who this thread is about.

I met my partner and became a mum in my 40s after many miscarriages.

I had previously been trying to imagine how to embrace and live my life as a single, child free woman.

One thing i recognised was that i had to carve a path that took me away from the bulk of my friends, who were in couples and with kids. Living a life in a world totally geared to people with kids did not appeal at all.

I was stuck between 2 paths. Take more risk in the here and now, earn less and have more fun (quit work, go freelance, go travelling, live off renting my flat out).

Or work hard now, buy a 2nd holiday property in Spain, retire as early as possible, buy a house with some land and create a free holding. Keep goats and make cheese.

I have 2 kids now. I am the main bread winner, which is at times a crushing responsibility. My eldest has some additional needs, and learning how to parent her is like having a 2nd job. We have no family support near by, so we get virtually no time for us.

I sometimes think about the alternative life i had planned, and what i would be doing now, and there are times i would swap.

Being a parent is fucking tough. You have to give everything to it. I can totally see that for some, the sacrifices just aren't worth it.

I was unable to have children, as fertility treatment and surgeries were unsuccessful.

I definitely reached the day when I knew the journey was over, and I was surprised to just feel huge relief it was the end of that chapter. The rollercoaster of it all nearly broke me.

I had therapy to process the grief and the life I thought I would have - and then I completely embraced the life I do have.

A wonderful marriage, financial stability, complete freedom, great friends, a lovely social life and time/energy to pursue all my hobbies.

My hobbies have led to success, I can't be outing but it's life changing. That would have never happened if I had children. I'm very fulfilled and lucky enough to have a varied life now and I do love my clean & tidy house! And my sleep!

I also appreciate the lack of any stress in my life. I can sleep easy, not worried about the world my children are inheriting. I can pop on a plane without worrying if anything happened to me.

My friend has a teenager who has an eating disorder, another one has a son with extreme anxiety and I'd say quite a few have ADHD or Autism, I can't think of any friend who has no stress with their kids, actually.

I have lots of childfree friends, and this has been a huge help. We have similar interests so we go away a lot on trips, we do challenges like ultra marathons, see a lot of bands in London and comedy shows; I really feel I'm living life and making the most out of my days!

I will say, as we live in such a wonderful property with land and animals, and have a lot of love to give, we also do respite foster caring for a large sibling group once a month; we're like the fun, caring aunt and uncle and the kids are just blossoming which adds further enrichment to my life.

Now I'm in this stage of my life, I'm actually so glad and grateful for how things turned out - I feel very lucky!

Hi @Poppins17, I’m really sorry you’re struggling. This time of year can be difficult for sure. Put yourself and your feelings first, if avoiding seeing family/friends with kids or anything else to make things easier for you then do that, even if it disappoints people. Can you plan some lovely things for yourself, a day out to look forward to, a spa day or some nice gifts/treats?
Christmas can be so hard. One Christmas years back a family gathering turned into a long gift ceremony for their new baby, it was torture as I was recovering from my ectopic pregnancy and had just got my infertility diagnosis. I felt myself not able to breathe and put up for as long as I could before leaving, it was a really sad day for me. I wish I could go back in time and give myself a hug. I’d also give myself a good talking to for not putting my own well-being first. Just be kind to yourself.

I feel more at peace with my situation now. Life has been good and there’s lots to look forward to. I have a new work opportunity coming up in the new year which is exciting. I’m spending more time exercising and looking after my health which is important to me. Meaningful connections with good friends. I’ve travelled more this year and planning more trips for next year. I think about my fertility situation less and feel excited about life more.

I’m approaching 42 and it helps me be realistic. Do I really want a baby at my age? I can’t really say a definitive yes to that anymore. My DP doesn’t seem bothered about kids, although I do sometimes check in with him on thoughts about donor conception. He says he loves us as we are. We talk a lot about it and both agree that a life without children is just different, not any less than a life with children. That’s really helped. Of course there are still moments of sadness but that’s okay too. I just allow myself to feel those feelings rather than it turning into self loathing.

Have you had counselling? It’s the biggest thing that helped me, I felt heard for the first time. Infertility and miscarriage can leave you in such a lonely place, it’s important to get support. I hope you’re okay. Look after yourself. Send me a DM anytime if you ever want to talk.

Thank you Lucille, I appreciate your post.

I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through, but glad to hear that you’re in a good place and have things to look forward to.

I did have counselling after our last ICSI back in 2013 which was absolutely brutal.. the counsellor basically told me to forget the dream of living life like little house on the prairie - I’ve spoken about this since and people have said I should have complained. I’d never had counselling before so wasn’t sure if that’s just what it entailed, and so just didn’t go back again.

Maybe I need to re-explore it.

It’s refreshing to read stories of people who have made peace with their situation, as some days it feels like I might never be able to do that.

Thank you for starting this thread, I know it’s old now but I feel less alone than I have for a few weeks.

I’m sorry for your losses. I went through unsuccessful IVF. I had my little boy in my early 40’s.
I had a plan in my mind, what I would try and how long. I really wanted a child. However, I said to myself if it didn’t work out I could be safe in the knowledge that I’d tried my best …and live without regret.
Im so happy that I had my little boy but if that hadn’t have happened I would absolute embrace a different life. I’d have more time and energy to pursue my interests, more money to travel to exotic destinations etc.
I know that sounds like a cliche but there’s wonderful in every life path.

I was unable to have children, as was my best friend. I accepted it quite easily and decided not to go down the IVF road. I live a very happy and fulfilling life with my husband, as does my best friend. Both of us have followed are dreams, which we would not have been able to if we had children. Meanwhile my friends, with children complain about their lot in life and several openly admit they wish they hadn’t had children, as they only stay together because of that. One in particular wants to keep her children at home
for as long as possible, as she can’t bear the thought of it just being her and her husband. Having children is not the be all and end all of life.