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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To despair of DHs ‘parenting skills’?

28 replies

2lsinllama · 15/10/2021 08:45

For context, we have a 13 year old DS and DH has 3 older children from a previous marriage, who are all married with children. When DS was small DH worked away a lot so much of the parenting was left to me, with help from my parents. DS is generally a lovely boy - polite, grown up and helpful. But he is a teenager and can be lazy and has entered the ‘I know everything’ phase. I be worked with teenagers for 20 plus years so I’ve seen it all before.
Now DH has changed his job so is home a lot more and I’m getting really fed up with the way he deals with DS. For example, one of DSs chores is to feed the cats in the evening. Yesterday I noticed he was giving them biscuits instead of their pouch food (because it’s easier). DH starts muttering about DS being lazy and that he will turn the WiFi off etc etc. I go to speak to DS and have a chat with him about the fact that he needs to pouch feed them or they aren’t getting proper nutrition etc. DH comes in and start having a go at DS about it. He tried to say that it’s ok as we have discussed it and gets snapped at for answering back. I intervened and sent DS back to his PlayStation. This has happened a few times recently. DH seems to think that having a go at someone is an effective form of discipline. He makes wild statements like ‘No computer for a month’ and then doesn’t follow through with them. He will also talk over me when I’m dealing with an issue.
My step daughter (who I’m very good friends with) says he was like this when they were growing up and I know it’s how his late father was with him.
Would I be unreasonable to speak to DH about it before we have a major issue? So far things with DS have all been fairly trivial but I’m fully prepared for more serious things to crop up in the future. Does anyone else have a DH like this and is there any chance he will listen to me?

OP posts:

BubblingBottle · 15/10/2021 08:47

Rubbish about cat biscuits not being good enough nutrition. It's all my cats have ever eaten 😂

BubblingBottle · 15/10/2021 08:48

I don't think I there's anything wrong with having a civil service conversation around the kitchen table over a cup of tea to iron out the agreed way forward with DS.

BubblingBottle · 15/10/2021 08:49

😂service

BubblingBottle · 15/10/2021 08:50

You could use this kitchen table

girlmom21 · 15/10/2021 09:11

Speak to him. It's disrespectful to speak over you and undermine your approaches even if he thinks his punishment is justified.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/10/2021 09:12

Would it be unreasonable to talk to your husband?

The fact you even need to ask this worries me.

Original poster

2lsinllama · 15/10/2021 09:14

@BubblingBottle

You could use this kitchen table

😂 I did think about getting a time machine back to Victorian times so DH would feel more at home. Re: cats and food - they are meant to be on special diet from the vet. One has dementia, one has on going problems from a car accident and one has seasonal abnormality disorder and pulls all his fur out as soon as the nights start drawing in. One is currently awol. They cause far more trouble than DS!

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 15/10/2021 09:16

It's such lazy parenting!!! It's ineffective, undermining, no lessons are taught, nothing is learned. He's just a moaning nag really.
My ex was like this. He became abusive to our eldest when he was 14. It was truly awful and controlling. He started out much like your DH and it just escalated. I'm not saying that this is on the cards for you, but my hunch is that the talks won't help. Do try and find a way forward with parenting. Absolutely talk. But if he hasn't learned how to parent effectively after how many kids? Then, good luck!

PsychoSyd · 15/10/2021 09:18

Growing up, my circumstances were very similar. My dad spent all of my childhood working away, & finally came home for good when I was about twelve.

He decided that I had been allowed to get away with murder when he was away, & as a result, had an 'attitude problem', which he decided to 'cure' by shouting at me & being constantly on my case for my entire teenage years. At one point, I snapped & told him he had no right to criticise my mum's parenting of me as he'd been away so much & therefore had had little to no input. As you can imagine, that went down like a lead balloon & was further evidence of my bad attitude.

It destroyed our relationship, TBH. I did my best to switch off & ignore him as much as I could. My mum didn't help much as she just stood by & let him rant at me, so good on you for sticking up for your DS.

My relationship with my dad has recovered some, but my memories are tarnished by what happened.

Original poster

2lsinllama · 15/10/2021 09:19

@TheVanguardSix
That’s why I said should I talk to him before it gets worse. I’m not sure it will do any good but I feel I should try before there is a big blow up. I can see them really butting heads at some point.

OP posts:

Original poster

2lsinllama · 15/10/2021 09:23

@PsychoSyd
Thanks for your thoughts and sorry that you experienced this. Can I ask what your dad was like in other situations? For example DH is an effective manager at work and deals with discipline there in a much more measured way. Also, if we were in a restaurant or something and the service was not good or they made a mistake he would speak to the manager and complain in a calm and reasonable manner. It is just in dealing with his children that he takes this antiquated attitude.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 15/10/2021 09:23

My ex husband was like this at times one day I did a judge rinder and shouted TALKING carried on with my conversation with the children as if he wasn't there he flounced out as soon as he got in his car and couldn't hear us we cried laughing to this day I can't believe I did that

DFOD · 15/10/2021 09:28

Be upfront with your DS - stand up for him if your DH starts ranting.

Pull your DH up on it calmly and assertively time and time again - intervene in the moment. Tell him to lower his voice and not to berate anyone in this way - say it wouldn’t be tolerated in the office environment / he wouldn’t talk to a colleague so disrespectfully and it’s not happening in your home.

Tell your DS - that no one gets to shout, interrupt and bully him - teach him to walk away from someone so out of control.

Triffid1 · 15/10/2021 09:31

Assuming you have an overall good relationship, can't you say, after one of these incidents, (or repeatedly, as necessary), "DH, come on. Do you really think yelling at him / OTT punishments etc are appropriate?" and take it from there.

DH has in the past been extremely mean to DS, treating him like he's 19 in terms of expectations and then being a dick in response. Unfortunately, this is learned behaviour from his mother. Every single time I'd talk to him about it. And he hasn't done it for ages.

Similarly, my learned behaviour is excessive shouting. Which has taken work to (mostly) overcome.

Pashazade · 15/10/2021 09:32

I think you should compare his work situation with home and say that his approach at work would be far more effective at home and also to ask if he feels it is appropriate to undermine your parenting when you've been doing it successfully and single handedly for so long.

Original poster

2lsinllama · 15/10/2021 09:38

@Pashazade
He has a lot of guilt about the time spent away from DS (and the other children), which is one of the reasons he took his new job so he can be here more.
We do generally get on ok and agree on most things. He does occasionally laugh at off colour jokes on FB but will listen when I explain that it’s not funny. I know he will start with the ‘it never did me any harm’ but hopefully he will take some of it in.

OP posts:

Goldbar · 15/10/2021 09:38

How much does your DH know about parenting teens (or indeed any age child) and realistic expectations? It sounds like the problem is that you and his ex have carried him as a parent so far and, 4 children later, he still doesn't have much of a clue. Would he be willing to do a course or read some parenting books?

Original poster

2lsinllama · 15/10/2021 09:40

@Goldbar
A book? Maybe. A course? No way. He would use the fact that his older children are all successful in their careers and happily married, own homes etc as a sign that he doesn’t need a course.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 15/10/2021 09:41

I know he will start with the ‘it never did me any harm’

It did. It made him think shouting and threats are good parenting.

Pashazade · 15/10/2021 09:49

With regard to the shouting and obviously it may be a no go but presumably his adult kids didn't enjoy this aspect of his parenting. Is the relationship good enough that one of them could say "I love you Dad and we're friends now, but always being yelled at by you when I was little really sucked. You've got a chance to do it differently with x, and have that good relationship sooner...."
Clutching at straws perhaps, but as you say he can listen a good sit down chat, pointing out the damage he could do may be effective, especially if he's carrying guilt about so much time away, he shouldn't want to risk clouding what's left of their childhood now he's around.

PsychoSyd · 15/10/2021 09:49

[quote 2lsinllama]@PsychoSyd
Thanks for your thoughts and sorry that you experienced this. Can I ask what your dad was like in other situations? For example DH is an effective manager at work and deals with discipline there in a much more measured way. Also, if we were in a restaurant or something and the service was not good or they made a mistake he would speak to the manager and complain in a calm and reasonable manner. It is just in dealing with his children that he takes this antiquated attitude.[/quote]
Oh, to everyone else he was marvellous. He sat on various local committees & charity groups, & was known as the man who you would go to to sort things out & was lauded for that. Perfectly polite in restaurants, pubs etc. & shops. Couldn't put a foot wrong.

Work wise, I'm sure he was perfectly pleasant (he never got the sack!). He'd had to give up working away because my mum was ill & wasn't going to get better, so decided he needed to be home more. Then spent as much time out of the house as he could 🙄 I think he resented us, that he had to give up his previous job that I know he enjoyed immensely, & took that resentment out on me. I also think there was an element of untreated depression (caused in part by leaving his previous work), that was also taken out on me (not that it excuses his behaviour).

I did my best to avoid him, ignore the behaviour because it made me very anxious, not knowing what I was going to be yelled at for next. For example, I'd be in my room with the door shut (being a fourteen year old girl who wanted a modicum of privacy y'know) & instead of coming upstairs, popping his head round the door & saying what he wanted to say, he'd call upstairs & get moody when I didn't hear him, saying I had the infamous attitude problem. In vain was it pointed out I just didn't hear, no, I was wilfully ignoring him. I felt I couldn't do anything for it being wrong & pretty much gave up trying.

Original poster

2lsinllama · 15/10/2021 09:53

@Pashazade
That’s not a bad suggestion. Step daughter has confided a few things over the years and would probably be helpful. We don’t see them often but I’m sure she could bring it up in a round about way next time they are here. Maybe with reference to her own parenting - I know she has concerns as the other grandparents look after her children and can be very shouty.

OP posts:

CrazyCatLazy · 15/10/2021 09:59

@BubblingBottle

Rubbish about cat biscuits not being good enough nutrition. It's all my cats have ever eaten 😂

I’m glad this was the first comment as this is exactly what I came to say 😂 Ex vet nurse here 👋. A complete dry biscuit is perfectly fine as a full balanced meal, mine have never had anything other than kibble. Try to avoid any multicoloured biscuits as this is like feeding smarties to your kids! Same applies for dogs. Better for their teeth too!

As you were, in regards to your DH 😂

TheVanguardSix · 15/10/2021 10:00

2lsinllama I really, really feel for you. I know I sound all practical and pragmatic (easy to sound this way in hindsight). But in the thick of it, it was unbearable for me. I felt so very pulled in two directions. I was totally on my DS's side but at the same time, I wanted to keep the peace and I was willing to give my then-husband the benefit of the doubt. I found myself always thinking about the situation in terms of my husband's 'learning'. But the thing about your DH is that he's the adult here, he's been a father for the majority of his adult life, and he absolutely knows, deep down, that this is lazy parenting but he's unwilling to change his stance because he just wants to be 'right' rather than 'good' at his role as a father. People like this are controlling (sorry but it's true) and 'right' at all costs, regardless of the dysfunction it brings to the household. I'd be interested in hearing what his upbringing was like. Was he too raised in a household where one or both parents were distant and his voice was silenced? Because basically, he is ensuring that your DS doesn't have a voice. He is threatened by the fact that your DS is becoming a young man and your husband wants to be the alpha here at all costs.

And as for his older kids, yeah, lots of successful, decent people have had terrible parenting. That doesn't make it ok (not having a go at you at all. But I too had a husband from the 'it did me no harm' school of thought). We're all good at wearing masks. Who knows how his older children really are. Maybe they've had therapy. Maybe they have enough distance from him now to not care about his impact. But the concern I'd have for your DS is the sense of failure and anxiety he might feel as a result of his dad's behaviour.

TheVanguardSix · 15/10/2021 10:02

CrazyCatLazy I'm thinking it might be #toosoon for the OP to post an obligatory cat pic? But do feel free, OP... that cat's involved now.

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