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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I could use some perspective

53 replies

Sashasass · 14/10/2021 20:31

I applied for a new job which requires me to be away once every few weeks for a few nights.

I absolutely hate my current job and my DH knows that. I told him about it and he flew of the handle saying that I obviously don't want to be with him. I told him that I don't want to be stuck at home all the time at 32 years old; I want to get out there!
He said "I fucking hate you."

I think he's got used to me being at home 24/7.

He works from home too; we're in each other's pockets most of that day.

We have been together since I was 18. He's 6 years older. I don't know anything else. I want to go out and explore the world and he hates me for it.

He made dinner tonight. Brought it through and told me I should reconsider my actions because he does everything for me. I feel so lost.

Yes, he earns more money than I do, but surely that doesn't mean I have to do whatever he tells me to do? He's quite happy for me to get any job WFH; but, as soon as it involves being out of the house he freaks out.

OP posts:
Indoorcamping · 14/10/2021 20:32

Take the job.

HugeAckmansWife · 14/10/2021 20:33

Door is that way >>>>>. Sounds like you're done and want to spread your wings. If he can't support that, or understand why you want to, I can't see this surviving, but that's OK. Not everything has to be forever.

Pontypandytaxpayer · 14/10/2021 20:33

Yes, take the job.

SolitaryTree · 14/10/2021 20:33

Absolutely take the job

FindingMeno · 14/10/2021 20:34

Do what is right for you not what he tells you .
If there's a problem the increased income will help you make other choices if you want to.

jagoda · 14/10/2021 20:34

Oh OP this is so sad to hear.

Definitely take the job, no question. He sounds very odd.

Whatinthelord · 14/10/2021 20:36

Take the job. Seriously why is a couple of days away a fortnight an issue. It sounds very weird and controlling.

Will it affect his work in anyway eg childcare issues?

takealettermsjones · 14/10/2021 20:37

If he hates you then he'll be perfectly fine when you fuck him off and have a nice life with your new job and no controlling weirdo breathing down your neck. 👍

Sn0tnose · 14/10/2021 20:37

There are some pretty serious control issues that would make me worry if I were you. He’s fine with you being unhappy because it means that you’re alone, at home and depending on him. Telling you he hates you is designed to make you worry he won’t love you anymore. Telling you he does everything for you is designed to make you think you can’t cope without him.

Take the job.

Zarene · 14/10/2021 20:39

Love, take the job.

TheLeadbetterLife · 14/10/2021 20:40

He will make your life a nightmare if you take the job.

Take the job.

Leave the man.

I suspect this is what you want really.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 14/10/2021 20:41

Take the job and ditch the hateful little man.

Scarydinosaurs · 14/10/2021 20:41

This isn’t a healthy dynamic.

He can’t be happy living like this either.

Take the job and ask him to get help for his problem.

Original poster
Sashasass · 14/10/2021 20:43

we've been together for a long time.

He would never speak to me like this in front of other people. In fact, I can hear him laughing and joking with our neighbours right now.

He hasn't actually done anything terrible. Idk why he doesn't want me to get a job outside the house.

Im so utterly lost.

OP posts:
Itstheweekendyasssss · 14/10/2021 20:43

He sounds mean! That is a dreadful way to behave. Do what you want and sack him!

Constellationstation · 14/10/2021 20:45

Telling you he fucking hates you is pretty terrible

dustofneptune · 14/10/2021 20:46

Listen to yourself. Take the job.

I know it's hard for you to understand this, because you have no frame of reference - but a healthy partner would support this without batting an eyelid. Maybe a quick chat about logistics if kids or pets or something else is a factor. But it would be a supportive chat.

If you don't take the job, you'll deeply regret it. Spread your wings.

Oh and if it helps - I was in a similar long-term relationship at 32. I had worked really hard to get myself a place at a great university to do a master's programme. They sabotaged it and I lost my place. I left soon after. My life ever since has been AMAZING. Freedom is intoxicating. I can't even begin to describe it to you.

PunchyPaprika · 14/10/2021 20:46

His behaviour is controlling (and I don't use that term lightly as it's often to readily banded about). Instead of 'reconsidering your behaviour', I'd urge you to reconsider your relationship x

Pontypandytaxpayer · 14/10/2021 20:46

@Sashasass

we've been together for a long time.

He would never speak to me like this in front of other people. In fact, I can hear him laughing and joking with our neighbours right now.

He hasn't actually done anything terrible. Idk why he doesn't want me to get a job outside the house.

Im so utterly lost.

Just because you have been in a relationship for a long time doesn't make it a good one.

I'm not surprised he doesn't talk to you like that in front of other people, men like that rarely do.

Are you happy with him? If not, take the job and get on with your life.

TopCatsTopHat · 14/10/2021 20:47

Loving partners don't clip your wings they help you fly and do it gladly because when your love is mutual you're not going anywhere from a heart point of view.
This is not that. Being possessive has no place in a partnership of equals.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2021 20:48

He hasn't actually done anything terrible.

Yes he has, the way he spoke to you.

He chose to date a much younger woman, which is already a bit Hmm and now he wants to keep you with him 24/7 or he gets angry and emotionally abusive.

You need to end the relationship. But if you can only take one step, take a job out of the house.

RealBecca · 14/10/2021 20:50

Do you have kids? If not there is zero extra responsibility on him so wtaf.

seaandsandcastles · 14/10/2021 20:50

I do think if you applied for it without talking to him about it first then YABVU.

JessieLongleg · 14/10/2021 20:51

I went abroad once for 6 months after being with mine for 10 year. It was to go on a uni exchange in the city my dad is from. It's wasn't a reflection on not wanting to be with him and either is your job. I think a lot of couple would welcome a evening by themselves.

Idony · 14/10/2021 20:52

What an arsehole. Partners are not supposed to be that way. I've enjoyed lots of work travel. My DH is perfectly happy about it and we chat nicely when I return. Because he's not a duck. Because in healthy relationships, you continue to have a life.

He's got jealousy issues. A man who demands his wife stay in the home is a dangerous one. He is likely to turn violent. His next step will be smashing or throwing objects. Accusing you of wanting to have affairs. Then he'll start with the personal insults, that you're fat and ugly and no one but him will ever want you. Abusers recite the same lines.

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