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Original poster

I could use some perspective

53 replies

Sashasass · 14/10/2021 20:31

I applied for a new job which requires me to be away once every few weeks for a few nights.

I absolutely hate my current job and my DH knows that. I told him about it and he flew of the handle saying that I obviously don't want to be with him. I told him that I don't want to be stuck at home all the time at 32 years old; I want to get out there!
He said "I fucking hate you."

I think he's got used to me being at home 24/7.

He works from home too; we're in each other's pockets most of that day.

We have been together since I was 18. He's 6 years older. I don't know anything else. I want to go out and explore the world and he hates me for it.

He made dinner tonight. Brought it through and told me I should reconsider my actions because he does everything for me. I feel so lost.

Yes, he earns more money than I do, but surely that doesn't mean I have to do whatever he tells me to do? He's quite happy for me to get any job WFH; but, as soon as it involves being out of the house he freaks out.

OP posts:
Idony · 14/10/2021 20:53

Men who date 18 year olds when they're much older do it for control. He's angry you're not 18 and hanging off his every word anymore.

32, Jesus... Such a long time to have been with a man who treats you like this. It's time to live your life before it's too late.

Getyourownback · 14/10/2021 20:56

@Sashasass

we've been together for a long time.

He would never speak to me like this in front of other people. In fact, I can hear him laughing and joking with our neighbours right now.

He hasn't actually done anything terrible. Idk why he doesn't want me to get a job outside the house.

Im so utterly lost.

Because he wants you at home, where he can control and belittle you and keep you ‘in line’. He is a pathetic and insecure little man who doesn’t want you seeing the world and building your own confidence and life because it might inconvenience him. He’s thinking only of himself and not at all of you.

Think about that.

And take the job.

Bellyups · 14/10/2021 20:56

Take the job. Lose the twat xxx

Olivegreenstrawberries · 14/10/2021 20:57

"He hasn't actually done anything terrible"

Yes he has!! He spoke to you terribly. Him trying to control you is terrible. I bet he does lots of sublte controlling things that you havent registered.

heldinadream · 14/10/2021 21:03

He hasn't actually done anything terrible.
He has though. He doesn't want you to grow, to be happy, to become yourself. Ultimately that's terrible. You have to choose YOU - and if he can't support that he's not right for you any more.
This will be so hard for you but you have a choice.

TheLeadbetterLife · 14/10/2021 21:06

OP, you asked for perspective, here it is:

I would not stay another minute with anyone who spoke to me like that.

This is from the perspective of a 39 year old woman who has been round the block a few times.

I dread to think why you think being treated like that is not terrible, but you were right to think that you need another perspective.

DamnUserName21 · 14/10/2021 21:09

This may or may not apply but have a read:

www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control#getting-out

stripetop · 14/10/2021 21:10

OP my heart goes out to you.

He told you he hates you, take that and run.

As pp said there will be lots more you perhaps cannot see just now, but that in itself is absolutely enough.

Do you want to talk a bit more?
Are there children?
Are you close to your family? Friends?
The job sounds wonderful, absolutely take it.

Yes it has been a long relationship, That's really hard. But forgetting everything else would you ever say that to someone you cared about? Ever?

Gothichouse40 · 14/10/2021 21:12

Take the job, if he makes your life a misery over this- leave him.

Notimeforaname · 14/10/2021 21:13

Please take the job if offered op.

dudsville · 14/10/2021 21:15

If someone loves you well they do not say "I fucking hate you".

SheilaWilcox · 14/10/2021 21:20

Do you have kids?

If not, just up and leave now. If you do, plan to leave.

Heronwatcher · 14/10/2021 21:21

Job great, husband aggressive controlling nightmare. For the love of god choose the job.

Original poster
Sashasass · 14/10/2021 21:22

To answer pp -

no, no children.

I find it so hard because we have been together for so long; what will he do without me? He is not always like this.

I am just so sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sashasass · 14/10/2021 21:24

I realise I sound like a complete idiot and pushover. However, I'm really not.
I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
TheLeadbetterLife · 14/10/2021 21:27

You don't sound like a pushover at all. You sound like someone who's starting to realise it's time to move on from a long term relationship.

I've been there, it's bloody hard and it takes a good few months to get to the other side of all the emotions, but you'll both get through it. You'll both be better off for it in the long run too.

Sn0tnose · 14/10/2021 21:27

I find it so hard because we have been together for so long; what will he do without me? He is not always like this. He managed before you came along, he’ll manage again. And he’s usually nicer because you’re doing what he wants.

I am just so sad Because you’re seeing him for what he is.

BlueSuffragette · 14/10/2021 21:33

He doesn't want you to take a job where he can't control you. He wants you to be where there is no risk of you meeting other potential partners. He is jealous and abusive. Reconsider your relationship, do not reconsider accepting your new job.

Throckmorton · 14/10/2021 21:49

He's controlling and abusive. Ditch him, take the job and explore the world!

Rainyday4321 · 14/10/2021 21:50

Another one for take the job.
What he will do without you is look for a replacement to control.
What you will do is have a chance at a happy life - and maybe even a great relationship.

Because this one is terrible. There is no room in a good relationship for that kind of language.
If you came for some perspective, there it is.

Good luck. You can do this.

Cherrysoup · 14/10/2021 21:56

In what other ways does he control you/stifle you?

RedCarsGoFaster · 14/10/2021 21:57

Take the job.

What comes next will be his own doing. Either he gets over himself or he leaves. You deserve much better than this.

politics4me · 14/10/2021 22:08

Is this the case?
You have become a substitute Mother to him and he is insecure and afraid of the world if he has to navigate it on his own.
You must not let him destroy everything about the real or inner you.

HugeAckmansWife · 15/10/2021 07:01

"what will he do without me"? His own housekeeping, have a wank, run home to mummy, have another wank, get out there and find a replacement. Probably badmouthing you or ringing you up to hassle you if you don't block him. Please please look to yourself in this. To the pp who said you should have consulted him before applying, why? They have no kids, he's a capable adult and it's a few days every few weeks away, not long term absence.

Salayes · 15/10/2021 07:46

You are not responsible for him. He is a grown man. Also consider what you’re saying - he came and told you he does ‘everything’ for you and yet you are worrying what he’d do without you. So at once he’s got you feeling he does it all and also that he will never cope without you. Quite the controlling bastard isn’t he?

Of course he wants you WFH, he doesn’t want you to have any freedom because then you might realise what a controlling shit he is and leave him.