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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more kids when it doesn't fit in with my life at all

47 replies

HelloPumpkin · 14/10/2021 18:56

Name changed for this as I haven't told anyone how I'm feeling. We've got 2 kids already (dd7 and ds5) and I was so sure that was my lot. DS was a difficult baby and I vowed we wouldn't do it again. We live in a 2 bedroom house with no prospect of moving but could possibly convert the loft in the future. We both work full time and can't afford not to. I WFH and DH works outside the home so I can do the school run and be around for the kids. I've just been feeling more and more like I want another 2 kids and like I don't want to wait and have a huge gap between the oldest and the youngest. I'm under 30 so could wait a few years if I had to but it feels like the age gap would be too big then. Am I just being crazy and need to accept that 2 is my lot? I'm happy with 2 but I just feel like I'm not done. We could afford more but it'd come with sacrifices and I'm aware I wouldn't be able to treat them as much as everything would cost more. Talk me down.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 14/10/2021 18:59

Well, for me, the deciding factor was what life would be like for my kids if the worst happened - e.g. lost a parent. I knew that in such a scenario, I couldn't cope with more than two. I wanted my kids to thrive, not merely survive.

whattocook · 14/10/2021 19:09

I'm same situation as you but I've been naughty and decided to have another. Probably shouldn't have but we both really wanted another. So I'm probably not the best person to talk you down 🤣 we are in two bed new build don't really have the space but we will manage somehow for now.

Suzi888 · 14/10/2021 19:11

How long have you felt like this? Speak to your DH and see how he reacts….
Personally I’d wait, you are still young. I think you only really have room for one more child though!

If you only have two bedrooms, where do you expect the two new babies to sleep . You’d have to convert the loft now, even then the children will need to share. Unless you have twins you’ll be pregnant for pretty much the next two years… and have to work full time. It doesn’t seem very practical or even achievable to be honest.
We have one DD age 5, admittedly I’m a lot older than you, I work part time. There is absolutely no way I could have more babies and work full time! Things are so expensive, DD wants dancing lessons, days out cost a fair bit, birthdays, Christmas, holidays. You’ll really need to budget and may be spreading yourselves too thin. I don’t know anyone with four children who works full time.
Do you have anyone to help with childcare? Would you return to work straight after having each child…

speakout · 14/10/2021 19:16

Sometimes loving children means limiting your family so you can give the best support to the ones you have.
The cost of children spiral upwards, especially in the teenage years, school trips, then to stuff like university, driving lessons.
If a child loves a hobby- dancing or other activities it is wonderful if their passion is within the family budget.
Time is also a factor- driving children to activities, hobbies and being able to have lots of time for one on one as well as family time is very nurturing for all children and much harder to do with lots of kids.
Having come out the other end- my youngest is just graduating- I was unprepared for the costs of older children.
I didn't have to contribute of course, but giving them a hand up into adult life has been very costly. And I am very glad I stopped at two!!

Sunnywithchanceofshowers · 14/10/2021 19:28

I have three- older 2 were 7 and 5 when youngest was born. She was constantly in and out of the car. Every time she went to sleep she was disturbed to take one of the others somewhere or pick them up. It is hard even when you have the material resources to go round and a big enough house.

Ledition · 14/10/2021 19:39

Sometimes loving children means limiting your family so you can give the best support to the ones you have.

This is what swung it for me when I felt like you. We did actually have the space and the funds but I wanted my existing DDs to have every opportunity I could give them and that would have been significantly watered down with a third.

Plus the idea of the sleepless nights and toddler years again... I didn't even enjoy it the first time round so it made no sense why I wanted to go again. I eventually tracked my yearning for a third child to my cycle - it was happening during ovulation - it's hormones they're tricking you and you should tell yourself you've evolved beyond base urges!

Original poster

HelloPumpkin · 14/10/2021 19:40

I've felt this way for a few months now. At first I thought it'd pass but the feeling seems to be getting stronger even though I know it wouldn't be at all practical. I feel like I need to be sure I want to do it before talking to DH because I've been so adamant that I didn't want anymore and we've based our life on that.

OP posts:

userchange987 · 14/10/2021 19:46

Sometimes loving children means limiting your family so you can give the best support to the ones you have.

This a thousand times, it's not about the non existent children, or you, it's about the children you've brought into the world. I rarely think an additional sibling gives a child more value than not having to split their parents' attention and money 3+ ways, but it's even more true when you're both working full time and not financially comfortable enough to live in a big enough home.

You need to think about it less in terms of what you want to do and instead think about what your children need.

I say this as someone who also had kids younger and working full time, I know I couldn't give my children as much as they have now if I had a third, and that's simply not fair to them. So it's quite an easy decision actually.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/10/2021 19:49

Missing the baby years is one thing but that doesn’t mean you should actively make your lives harder by having a 3rd. You don’t have enough rooms for two diff sex children currently, id focus on that. A third baby is more childcare, a bigger car, more expensive holidays - way bigger than going from 1-2 imo

Glitterybug · 14/10/2021 19:50

What do you think two new children will bring to your family that your existing ones don't?

You don't have the time, space or money for any more (if you have to work full time to support the two you already have). The world doesn't need any more people. I'm in the "count your blessings and enjoy giving your existing children the best possible life camp".

Also, 5 years is a big age gap. When your 5 year old is 10, they won't have anything in common. They won't want to hang around with their little brother or sister and days out trying to please all of them will be a nightmare. Society is set up for 2 adults and 2 children, at the moment you've got the perfect ratio especially as children get needy again as they negotiate the teenage years, will you be able to support your eldest as they approach teenage years with a pre schooler and a baby/toddler? How do you propose to give all 4 the amount of time, attention and money they need? Do you and dh ever want to sleep again? What if you had multiples? Twins are three times the work of one baby.

Sometimes "because i want it" isn't a good enough reason to have a child.

Is it possible you feel like you want one because your youngest has started school? I feel like that - my youngest started this year. So I'm planning on getting a dog to satisfy the need to be needed and to have something to cuddle now that dd is very independent.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 14/10/2021 19:50

I personally think you'd be better off sticking with the 2 you have. This world is in one hell of a mess with the temperature heating up all the time. We're now getting frightening events like floods, and fires which are getting worse every year. To me it's scary to even think about bringing children into the world as it is now. Do you really want to subject any more kids to the hardships that we're likely to face if something isn't done to get global warming under control?

Glitterybug · 14/10/2021 19:54

What's your plan for when dd is say 11, and starting to go through puberty and its not appropriate for her to share a room with her little brother any more? Say you can't afford the loft conversion or can't get planning permission or whatever - what would you do with the two extra babies? Because then if you ended up with say three boys and one girl - at some point around puberty, it wouldn't be great for a 13yo boy to be sharing with children 6+years younger than him. You might be able to shoehorn them all in now, but what about in a few years?

Original poster

HelloPumpkin · 14/10/2021 19:54

This is all so true and I know it.

OP posts:

BasiliskStare · 14/10/2021 19:57

I would not so much worry about bringing children into the world - I would just consider more if you can bring them into you house, Babies are just the best thing - but at some time they get older and they are lovely . I think you have to consider a baby will always get older - are you going to have another one when future baby is older

But this is a choice only you can make - I look back on DC being young - but they are fabulous as they get older.

I have a dog - it helps

notthatcommon · 14/10/2021 20:00

In my opinion - yes YABU.

When I was age 7, my mum got pregnant and I overheard her talking to a friend, telling them "I just felt I wanted more". That made me feel I was never good enough and wrecked the relationship I had with my parents. Even as an adult, our relationship hasn't recovered and I was seriously hurt by feeling "replaced" - twice.

Why are the kids you already have not enough?

Original poster

HelloPumpkin · 14/10/2021 20:00

I think I like the prospect of having 4 grown up children and always having a big family and eventually grandkids that come with it although I know that's not guaranteed. I don't like dogs but do have a cat, she's old too and will probably be gone in the next few years.

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 14/10/2021 20:03

Well, talk to your dh. I do know a lot of people who found the third was an incredibly demanding child (alongside lots who found the third was a joy). And I know someone who had three, decided to have just one more, and got triplets.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 14/10/2021 20:04

OP, I had four DC.

I would have kept on having babies, but I realised my eldest wasn't getting any personal time with me and my DH. We were lucky enough to be able to afford a house big enough for six of us.

I was broody for years, but I know it was the best decision we have ever made to stop. It wasn't about me, it was about my DC.

speakout · 14/10/2021 20:05

HelloPumpkin

These 4 grown up children may not keep in touch, they may emigrate, they may not like each other,
Your ideal of a large extended family is pie in the sky.
Invest time in yourself. That is the crux, as my two children are now adults I love the time I can devote to myself.
No empty nest here! Wallowing in freedom!

Milkbottlelegs · 14/10/2021 20:06

You live in a 2 bedroom house with two kids. No way can you afford another 2 kids.

ikeepseeingit · 14/10/2021 20:10

Definitely best to wait a couple years OP. Having said that I have a 7 year age gap with my brother and we’re close now! It was just our normal, nothing wrong with a big gap. It doesn’t sound like you’re quite ready yet though, you need more space. If you were sure you wouldn’t be posting here. 💕

Cofifeefee · 14/10/2021 20:14

You say you both work full time and can't afford not to. What happens if a third or fourth child had additional needs and you had to give up work to be a carer? Or your husband got sick and needed care?

I know people will say you can't live your life by what-ifs but, for me, a happy life with financial security would be what I want for my existing children and if I couldn't guarantee that in a worst case scenario, I wouldn't have anymore.

bringonyourwreckingball · 14/10/2021 20:26

I think it’s very selfish to knowingly have more children than you have the resources for when you have them - by which I don’t just mean money and space, it’s time too. Children need more of all of that the older they get. Obviously circumstances change but you know you don’t have space for 3 let alone 4.

JapanJetplane · 14/10/2021 20:27

6 people in a two bed house is going to be hell. Can you afford to move somewhere bigger?

Bunnycat101 · 14/10/2021 20:44

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. There are countless reasons why it would be a bad idea and dilute the quality of life you can offer your existing children.

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