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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want more kids when it doesn't fit in with my life at all

47 replies

HelloPumpkin · 14/10/2021 18:56

Name changed for this as I haven't told anyone how I'm feeling. We've got 2 kids already (dd7 and ds5) and I was so sure that was my lot. DS was a difficult baby and I vowed we wouldn't do it again. We live in a 2 bedroom house with no prospect of moving but could possibly convert the loft in the future. We both work full time and can't afford not to. I WFH and DH works outside the home so I can do the school run and be around for the kids. I've just been feeling more and more like I want another 2 kids and like I don't want to wait and have a huge gap between the oldest and the youngest. I'm under 30 so could wait a few years if I had to but it feels like the age gap would be too big then. Am I just being crazy and need to accept that 2 is my lot? I'm happy with 2 but I just feel like I'm not done. We could afford more but it'd come with sacrifices and I'm aware I wouldn't be able to treat them as much as everything would cost more. Talk me down.

OP posts:

Briarshollow · 14/10/2021 21:04

Six people in a two bedroom house would be just awful. Don’t do it. If you really have no prospect of getting a bigger house, then I think you’ll have to call it a day, even though you’re so young. Unless you wait for the eldest two to leave home. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster

HelloPumpkin · 14/10/2021 21:14

It's not that we can't ever move house, it's just something that's not possible anytime soon. It's not a small 2 bedroom house so with the loft conversion I think we'd be ok for space. But, I agree that we would struggle with time for each child and taking them to clubs etc. I think people are right that it would be selfish. I won't do anything for now and will see if the feeling goes away or if we can eventually change our situation to allow for more kids even if that does mean a bigger age gap.

OP posts:

DDivaStar · 14/10/2021 21:43

Thing is you don't really have enough room as it is and that's with you both working full time. 2 more would be a huge strain you really are looking through Rose tinted glasses.

Concentrate on giving your all to the children you have, it may not be the large family you envisage but the main thing is its a happy one.

stalkersaga · 14/10/2021 21:46

Four DC while working full time in a house that's too small is going to be pretty rough. I agree with everyone else. When you're a parent you need to think with your head and not your hormones.

Fr0thandBubble · 14/10/2021 22:07

I think it would be selfish to have any more, OP. If one of you didn't work and there was lots of money (by which I mean one of you was earning hundreds of thousands of pounds), there might be more of an argument (although frankly the last thing the World needs right now is more people). As it is, your two DC would have to go without (in terms of attention, money and space) to fulfil your wants and desires, and I don't think that's good parenting.

Before anyone jumps in, I say hundreds of thousands of pounds because I don't know how the hell children are meant to buy their own property one day unless they get a LOT of financial help from their parents.

Badoukas · 14/10/2021 22:15

They get very expensive the older they get. Stick with two!

Gintime74 · 14/10/2021 22:23

You need at least one more bedroom. My 4 Dc had to share bedrooms at times, money was tight, they didn’t always get to go on the big expensive school trips but we managed and they are all happy, balanced, look out for one another and I am so glad we didn’t stop at 2.
But I won’t lie, it restricts you, cars, holidays, days out, meals out. All restricted by having a large family without a large income. Only you can decide .

BathMatToe · 14/10/2021 22:40

@notthatcommon

In my opinion - yes YABU.

When I was age 7, my mum got pregnant and I overheard her talking to a friend, telling them "I just felt I wanted more". That made me feel I was never good enough and wrecked the relationship I had with my parents. Even as an adult, our relationship hasn't recovered and I was seriously hurt by feeling "replaced" - twice.

Why are the kids you already have not enough?

Could you not reframe to think that you were so great that your mum wanted more? I have a large age gap between kids, eldest thinks we didn't have anymore because they were a nightmare. To be fair they were. 🤣

I always tell my younger sibling that they're here because I was a delight so mum had more.

TuftyMarmoset · 14/10/2021 22:42

Yabu. You need to focus on the children you already have - they won’t want to share a room for much longer - and the age gap would already be too big imo.

Notashandyta · 14/10/2021 22:56

To give another perspective- we had a third and our kids get on really well and we are happy and our own team, no regrets

Original poster

HelloPumpkin · 15/10/2021 07:21

These responses are just what I needed to hear. I do want to provide as much as I can for my existing children. I came from a poor household and went without a lot. I give my kids everything I can and they do lots of clubs and activities, which would probably have to be cut back if I had more kids. DH and I didn't get any help from parents with a house deposit so it was incredibly hard to buy our house at all but we were determined to have an asset to eventually pass on to the kids and I definitely want to be able to help the kids with deposits etc when they're at that stage in life. I'm not going to rule out having more but thanks for making me realise that it's definitely not the right thing to be doing any time soon.

OP posts:

ThirdElephant · 15/10/2021 07:23

YANBU to want more kids, that's perfectly natural and normal. YWBU to actually have one, given your current circumstances.

Whstdoyouthink · 15/10/2021 07:30

No don’t do it, I am one of 4 and my parents still don’t have enough time for us. Now they are split between 9 GC

DontOpenDeadInside · 15/10/2021 07:30

I have 3 dc and my partner has 3 dc. I really really want to have a dc with him, but in reality it's just not practical. It's killing me though.

Porcupineintherough · 15/10/2021 07:39

Perhaps it would be better to create the space/move before increasing the size and cost of your family? Becaise doing either of those things will be way more difficult with a third.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 15/10/2021 07:43

I had no 3 after a 10 year gap. But we had the space. I would counsel against it. She is adorable in every way and a teen now but it limited my earning ability and in our early 50s we are still booking term time holidays and doing the school run.

Icebreaker99 · 15/10/2021 07:48

I think I like the prospect of having 4 grown up children

I think rather than imagining an idealized big happy family gatherings and grandchildren running around, think about the four sets of education you will need to pay for, four homes needed and four adequate jobs, in a world where education is becoming more expensive and jobs and homes scarcer.

Dozer · 15/10/2021 07:53

Seems v clear that you can’t afford even one more DC. Lots of us have fewer DC than we’d ideally have liked, for a range of reasons.

The age gaps would be very big, even if you ttc now.

You may well in future need to work in a role outside the home.

you’d need mat leave then to pay a lot for childcare for DC3 and 4.

Dozer · 15/10/2021 07:53

And then pay for those DC for 18 years!

ThirdElephant · 15/10/2021 07:56

Also, if you're in a two bed house with two DC of different sexes than you need a third bedroom regardless, don't you? So that loft conversion needs to become a definite plan just to house the DC you already have as they get too old to share.

MintyGreenDream · 15/10/2021 07:57

Put your children before your imaginary one.Why make life harder for you all just because you want to get pregnant.

HarryPotterFan21 · 15/10/2021 07:59

YABU. Put your existing children before getting pregnant. You don't have the room and you obviously can't afford it if you have to cut down on your existing children activities etc.
Your being selfish.

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