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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to stop doing Christmas presents except for the kids?

48 replies

Draineddraineddrained · 14/10/2021 14:48

I always end up spending way too much at Christmas as I have a large immediate family (2 sisters, each with husbands and 4/2 kids apiece, brother, parents). I have a partner and 2 kids.

I really don't have anything I want any more. My sisters and their husbands don't seem to either, my brother never buys me anything(!!), and my parents are loaded do anything they want they already have really.

Would I be cheeky to say to everyone this year I'm not doing gifts except for kids, and don't want any for me and DP, just the girls? Or does it seem mean?

It just feels daft all of us grown adults scrabbling around trying to either guess what the others might like, or think of something to ask for, when we all have our own money and in some cases it's just stupid (e.g. me giving my parents a £100 voucher to go towards the visits they regularly make to a spa, £100 that I can't really afford but to them is chicken feed and they'd go anyway)?

However I realise in this my household would get benefit (presents for the girls) while my parents and brother would get nothing back because they don't have kids? I certainly don't want to deprive my kids of gifts from their relatives, as they very rarely see them so it's nice for them to feel "loved" in that format.

YABU - just buy the bloody presents
YANBU - this is a totally reasonable request

OP posts:
PorkTheDork · 14/10/2021 14:49

Adult Secret Santa?

Brollywasntneededafterall · 14/10/2021 14:49

Just do a family gift each?

Original poster
Draineddraineddrained · 14/10/2021 14:52

@PorkTheDork waaay too much faff. We're really not The Waltons, we don't talk all that much and certainly not all at once (lots of steps and halfs and big age gaps going on) so organising something jolly like that just wouldn't work. Plus then are the kids in that too and only getting one gift each, or just the grown ups? Seems complicated...

OP posts:
stonebrambleboy · 14/10/2021 14:53

I'm a grandparent and we stopped buying adults a few years ago for the reasons you give. We can buy what we need/ want for ourselves, less stress and a happier Christmas all round! Adult kids were relieved when I suggested it.

Leeds2 · 14/10/2021 14:54

I did is,ilar years ago, and never regretted the decision! I did buy for my parents though, but otherwise just two nephews and two nieces until they reached 18, and then again at 21.
A couple of things to think about. Maybe your parents like to buy you a Christmas present, and would like to do so even if they didn't get anything back. And maybe your brother needn't buy your DC anything so there was no inequality of gifting there.

Leftphalange · 14/10/2021 14:54

We do this in my family, only buy for the children. Except my sister in law, who doesn't have children. It works well

TopTabby · 14/10/2021 14:54

Definitely suggest it or send a text saying that's what you'll be doing from now on. I wish I'd done that years ago, I wouldn't have to sit swapping boxes of biscuits with extended family now!

Original poster
Draineddraineddrained · 14/10/2021 14:54

@Brollywasntneededafterall

I sort of did this last year with my eldest sister who has two teens and two preschoolers - bought gifts for the littles and then sent a posh hot chocolate kit for the parents and teens to share. But it's hard to think of something everyone in a whole family will enjoy! Esp as my other sister's 2 kids have SEN so are at very different places developmentally from each other and their parents.

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 14/10/2021 14:55

We stopped a while ago, best thing we did!

Brollywasntneededafterall · 14/10/2021 14:56

Voucher for a dvd with a selection of popcorn and snacks in a Xmas box would keep all my household happy!!

Original poster
Draineddraineddrained · 14/10/2021 14:58

@leftphalange, that sounds the most sensible thing. I really don't think my parents would mind - gifting for birthdays between us adults in both directions has felt very laboured in recent years, I think they like me feel the futility of it really so will be relieved. I know my sisters will prob be ok with it. It's my bro I worry about really as he's younger (under 30) with no kids and no partner - don't want him to feel left out. So maybe buy for him but otherwise just for kids is the best way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Draineddraineddrained · 14/10/2021 15:00

@TopTabby

This is it, it just feels bonkers doesn't it?? My resolve is hereby stiffened 😁

OP posts:
SandysMam · 14/10/2021 15:01

I thought about the number of Christmas gift sets which will be on sale in stores across the country, mountains and mountains of plastic that no one really wants. It’s actually really terrifying when you think that it never really goes away and I’m no eco warrior. The planet is literally drowning in stuff, I think if you can’t do really meaningful gifts, it is all of our duty to just say no!

ignatiusjreilly · 14/10/2021 15:18

I sent an email round a few years ago saying I was struggling to think of presents for people and couldn't think of anything I wanted either. I asked if anyone else was feeling the same way and would like to stop exchanging presents. Quite a few people were relieved to opt out!

appleturnovers · 14/10/2021 15:18

When I was a child only children got Christmas presents.

Then there was a sort of weird period when me and my siblings/cousins became adults but none of us had had children yet so there were no children in the family for a few years, and everyone was buying presents for everyone. I totally agree with you, it's a faff and a waste of money. Not to mention the waste of our earth's precious resources when someone can't think what to get so they just buy something for the sake of it, often something that's jokey or just generally cheap tat. I've got tons of stuff under my bed at my mum's house that's basically just cheap Christmas presents that I received as a student/young adult and had nowhere to put - things like candle holders and cheap home decorations. I've got more jumpers, hats and scarves than I know what to do with. It actually makes me feel quite sick thinking about it.

There were a few years when me and my mum agreed to a maximum spend of £5 each, which I thought was really good, but then a couple of years ago she just broke it (without telling me in advance). I think I'll do the same as you this year to be honest. We'd all be better off if we gave fewer presents. Tbh I sometimes long for the days of my grandparents' childhood where a handful of nuts and a clementine were all you got.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2021 15:21

Your brother already stopped. Why on earth would you care when he clearly doesn't?

PorkTheDork · 14/10/2021 15:23

Do you still buy for your brother?

Aderyn21 · 14/10/2021 15:30

You could say that you would like to stop buying Christmas presents and that no one needs to buy for your kids unless that's something they want to do, but no expectation of it. Then spend the money you save on your dc.
Or do a token gift of Costa cards or suggest food gifts, which can keep costs down and definitely get used.

emmylousings · 14/10/2021 15:31

I really CBA with gifts for adults who don't need anything. It's boring, wasteful and time consuming. I have gradually trained all adults to not get / receive anything really, even my DC have very low expectations.

Mamamia7962 · 14/10/2021 15:32

Just buy for the children, I'm sure your parents wouldn't mind still buying for their grandchildren and not getting a present themselves. You could always treat them to a meal during the year.

LittleGwyneth · 14/10/2021 16:09

I would suggest that all the adults are put into a Secret Santa with a £50 limit, so you can get something decent, and people are allowed to request something specific that they want if that helps. It's not complicated at all, there are websites which draw it out of a hat for you and text or email it to everyone.

That way you've compromised, those who still like the gift giving tradition are able to enjoy it, but you're not spending £500 on presents that people may or may not.

Some families do a book secret santa instead which is quite sweet, and obviously a big money saver.

user1471538283 · 14/10/2021 16:12

Adult secret santa but only up to a certain amount or a box of chocolates per family so those without children get a box to themselves.

I would hate anyone to be stressed about buying me a present. All I want this year is time, some nice dinners and a tree.

TempName01 · 14/10/2021 16:30

Yes definitely stop, so much stress and cost that ends up in gifts no one wants. We do a secret Santa now but there are only 5 of us involved. Like PPs say there are websites that draw it for you but I think there’s only point if the whole group of you meet up (or do a zoom) to see them being opened.

simitra · 14/10/2021 16:34

I stopped buying gifts in the 1970s except for very small token presents for my parents. A few years later i stopped even that. I am not Christian and dont celebrate the season. I dont do cards, decorations or special themed parties and outings. I avoid family get togethers like the plague and in the past have deliberately gone away to countries liie Morocco and Nepal where christmas is not celebrated. I know many people envy me.

Redhotchilis · 14/10/2021 16:39

We stopped for my siblings about 10 years ago, just all buy for the kids, brilliant.

We told DHs siblings we were stopping buying for the adults on their side and to just buy for the kids about 5 years ago, and have since had snide comments and sad faces every year. They then wait until we are all together to swap their sibling presents between each other in front of us, even though every year they see each other on Christmas day and often don't see us till up to a week later ConfusedHmmI don't really care, it just reinforces why we don't want to waste money on them!

We do buy for parents though