To feel I’m absolutely failing at motherhood

[Blueberry231]

DS is 8m/o and the most gorgeous happy little baby. He is EBF and we stopped trying a bottle after the first 4 months he refused one so I’ve done every milk feed since day one. He isn’t particularly interested in solids but is eating some, three times a day. He naps three times a day for about 30-40 minutes currently (always a battle to get him to sleep thiough).

He starts off the night in his own room in his bed, after being fed to sleep, and comes in with me about 11pm (he wakes once or twice before this and DH resettles) but when I go to bed he comes in with me and this is where I am struggling.

He is on and off the boob all night. He rarely goes an hour without waking and crying and rooting around for it. He gets very upset if I try to shush him or cuddle him back to sleep. He only wants boob. He will be on and off all night long. I’m getting next to no sleep.

DS has never in his little life slept longer than 4 hours and that’s happened once or twice. A two hour stretch is good for him. I honestly don’t know how I’m still alive to be honest 🤣 I haven’t had more than two hours in a row in at least 4 months now. Normally I’m woken every single hour of the night.

This surely can’t be normal? I feel like everyone else’s babies sleep for a bit longer at least.

DH is in the spare room (still) because he snores and I find it easier to just deal with DS on my own. But I think it’s affecting our relationship. We’ve not had sex since DS was born (very traumatic natural birth) and I have zero sex drive. He rarely cuddles or shows me affection any more and I feel we just live in the same house in separate rooms and both parent our baby (who he is fantastic with).

I want to continue breastfeeding and co sleeping. But I also want my husband to come back in with us, and for my DS to sleep a bit longer. Am I asking too much? Will this ever happen? I feel totally stuck and like I am failing today 😢 I’m so consumed by the lack of sleep, our situation, wondering if it’s normal… I just want to be happy for our DS who deserves fun and a smiling mummy.

You're doing great don't worry. It does honestly get easier with time.

It will get easier the question is can you wait? I could be months or years

Alternatively you can night wean and mix feed, a bottle of formula often fills their bellies more and let’s them sleep through.

It’s your call, but right now both yout wants are not feasible. Either change his feeding or accept this is the way it is for the foreseeable, I’m sorry,

You're doing grand. This age is difficult - a massive developmental leap makes their sleep awful....I remember thinking I may actually die when my first was around 9 months as he woke every 45 mins. You could ask your DH to settle him after you've fed at 11? And you need to go to your bed early - 8 - and get some rest before the night madness starts

I found 8 months incredibly hard with both of mine (one EBF one FF). Both terrible sleepers anyway and at 8 - 9 months it was the absolute worst! You aren’t failing!

I had a similar issue with DD at that age. I found a nice filling supper would help her sleep better, so started giving her weetabix before putting her to bed…

Ok so it sounds like he has a bf/sleep association. I’m guessing he always falls asleep on the boob?

We all naturally semi wake at the end of each sleep cycle (c 40 min) and mostly we just stir slightly and go into our next cycle. But if babies learn that they go to sleep by BF (or by rocking, or something else) they can end up needing that same thing every sleep cycle to get into the next one. Hence the short naps and the on and off the boob all night.

There are basically two options to teach him to get to sleep (and hence back to sleep) without BF: the quicker way is controlled crying but obviously that does tend to involve crying. Or the slower way is something like the No Cry Sleep Solution where you gradually switch step by step from going to sleep BF to going to sleep by himself. It depends how desperate you are really.

Hope that helps. I got into a similar pattern although in DD’s case it was rock to sleep rather than feed to sleep so was exhausting. I did controlled crying.

My DS was exactly the same OP. I was back to work full time when he was 8 months and it was brutal. It took until he was about 18 months when one night he suddenly rejected a feed before we broke the cycle. At 2.5 he still wakes 1-2 times a night most of the time, but it's a hell of a lot better than every hour. Hang in there!

You're not failing you're doing a great job. As a new mum it's normal to doubt yourself but honestly your doing fantastic. It'll get easier as he gets older.

Need to sit down with DH and work on a plan together. Yeah u can't have both..need to try to get him to take a bottle at bed time and then hopefully might sleep for longer. Its so hard but think you would have to b firm about night feeding and try to get into a sleep routine. Hes completely dependant on you all night and there isn't anything wrong with this but this and a good nights sleep aren't compatible. Are you going back to work soonish? Would need to get something sorted then anyway. HUGS...... you aren't failing at all just trying to please everyone and putting yourself last and thats not a good thing. You and DH need to work as a team more during the night X

My recommendation is to get him into a routine, I used Gina Ford for both of mine (now teenagers) and have never had bedtime or sleep issues. He needs to eat more solid food during the day (baby rice and purée vegetables) so he is full and not wanting constant top up feeds. Ween him off your boob too, express and give him a bottle. There will be some challenges as he readjusts but if you hold firm and establish a good routine things will improve very quickly for all of you.
It’s hard being a mum and I’m not judging I just wanted to give you some practical advice and share with you what helped me.
Good luck!

I'm in the same boat and just hoping it will get easier with time. Mine is 10 months old and breast fed to sleep. He starts off in the cot in my bedroom and usually by the time I come to bed, he's in bed with me so we are still co sleeping too.
Unfortunately, he still wakes up for boob throughout the night. The longest he has managed to go without boob is 45 minutes and I'm really struggling with all nights like this. He just roots all night and gets upset it I'm not quick enough!
I haven't had more than 2 hours of sleep in a row in 10 months, so I massively sympathise. DS has never been a great sleeper at night. Lately I've been woken up every 45 minutes, sometimes after half an hour. If my husband tries to settle him he just screams himself awake and then it takes upwards on 2 hours to settle him back to sleep, so not ideal.
I hope it gets easier!

This is very normal for EBF babies, so not to worry there - they don’t all do this but many do. My first certainly did and the stage you are in until around a year was definitely the hardest. When the sleep deprivation has become so cumulatively chronic and you are too tired to find a way out!! So have a hug and a cuppa you poor thing, I have every sympathy.

Like pp said, you have choices. If you are committed to cosleeping, ime it is unlikely this will resolve for many months. Some people can make it work, as they hardly wake when baby feeds so feel they have been well rested. My DD woke at the slightest movement so I got really sore cosleeping as I wasn’t moving naturally. By time I had DC2, while I was wary of sleep training I knew I had to consider it and do something differently as I was totally exhausted and not being especially kind or present for both kids. DD2 was about 9/10mo when we night weaned, put her in own room and did gradual withdrawal sleep training. I liked this as you don’t leave them alone and you offer support when they are understandably upset and angry with you for closing the all night milk cafe! It’s a big change for them but I could see that she was angry more than really traumatised, it’s just so different but when we show them a new way of doing things, kids usually accept it very quickly. But I was very anti slew training so I understand those who are. I think it’s about cost/benefit analysis. If you can give everything of yourself at night and still be kind and attentive during the day, fair play - I had to accept I could not and something had to change.

On the bed sharing with DH - talk about it but I’d recommend trying to sort kid sleep a little before resuming that - it is important but when so sleep deprived you need all you can get, if he wakes you snoring you will resent him and you don’t need that. If you night wean he can help more and this will bring you closer again.

Hi OP

It's not you, it's the baby. I had two babies and treated them both the same, my second was like yours but worse, woke up every 90 min. I couldnt hack it after 7 months.

I dont think you can continue co sleeping and breastfeeding in the night. While your baby knows that's an option they will continue to wake and expect to be nursed back to sleep. I think when you are less tired and feel less like a milk machine then everything else will come back into place.

We got a sleep consultant in and did the disappearing chair method, putting the baby in their own room, there was some crying but they weren't on their own and we did pick them up for a cuddle. They slept through on the second night. PM me if you want any details about the method.

Obviously sleep training is an emotive subject and you dont have to...but you don't have to be a martyr either. My child is almost 4 now and perfectly fine, and sleep well most of the time (although bedtimes are interesting at the moment!). It made a huge difference to the end of my maternity leave though, the baby suddenly started eating in the day as they weren't so full of milk, they were better at napping so I had some time to myself, they seemed happier in themselves as they weren't so tired, and I was so much less tired we actually went out and did baby classes and activities that I'd been too tired for before

Oh OP, this is me too. My DD is a boob monster in the night and I haven't had any proper sleep now since December last year. Makes me feel sick to think about it.

It was the same with my older child but we broke the cycle by my husband putting to bed and doing all wakes before midnight. Then gradually DD slept.

Can't do that with this one as he's not often home before bedtime anymore. I am at a loss and am so tired.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick please may I PM you to ask about what you did? I need to change something and I'm not sure what!

My eldest was like this - my mum says I was just the same too. We tried giving her porridge or something to keep her full but it didn’t work, she just didn’t like sleep! I used to hate all my mum friends telling me they were tired because their baby had woken them once in the middle of their 6pm - 7am sleep .

She self-weaned at 2.5 and about a month after that just started sleeping through every night Until about 7am- just at the time the kids of the aforementioned friends started waking through the night and then waking up for the day at 4am!

I just rode this out. Too tired to do anything. It was tough. But I just fed to sleep and coslept as got me the maximum amount of sleep. I accepted this and it Also meant that sleep wasn’t a battle, and was peaceful.

She gradually started to be able to go back to sleep with a cuddle, I didn’t have to force anything at around 2 years old.

Then around 3 years old just slept through. Still feed to sleep sometimes, makes no difference. They sleep well now.

So if you do nothing and just survive… it will get better!

You are definitely not failing. You need to look after yourself though and it sounds like you are being used as a human pacifier/soothing machine.
I have two ds both bfed, could you put him in a crib next to your bed? As long as your baby can smell it they will rely on you to sooth them back to sleep.
You can change this if you want to.

I personally would night wean, and stop ever feeding to sleep. It's perfectly possible to carry on bf-ing in the day, and he's old enough to have a feeding/milk routine.

I've been there, bf my daughter til 2 so not unsympathetic, but bf-ing at night really does disrupt many babies' sleep. Dds sleep improved dramatically as soon as i stopped bf at night. If I had my time again I would night wean earlier, ie at around 7 months when solids established.

If he desperately needs milk at any point in the night you can give a bottle of expressed or formula. But I bet he needs much less than you'd think.

Dad settling to sleep at night for a bit can help.

This was my first until we night weaned at 18 months. I remember that slight bewilderment that I wasn't dead very well after months of 40 minute chunks of sleep!

Night weaning helped a lot but I only did it because I was traumatically bereaved, just gone back to work, and something had to give. I couldn't face making her cry before then when I knew I could make her happy so simply (I won't say easily!)

Don't feel bad if you have to take action. .. but equally don't feel bad if you can't and just need to ride this out a bit longer. It will all pass, your marriage will recover, your son is very loved and will be fine.

My top tip would be to keep lines of communication open with your DH. That "living alongside each other" feeling became very toxic for us with baby one. We talked a lot about it before having baby two and resolved to make a priority of maintaining our relationship (which basically means a virtuous circle of "I have sex even when I don't really fancy it, he feels more connected to me via sex so is more emotionally available, I therefore feel more like sex" - not very feminist alas but it's working so far!). What you guys need may be different but you need to work it out or the mutually unmet needs can really fester ime.

Oh ps I continued feeding DD 1 for another year after that so don't feel like night weaning has to be the end of breastfeeding!

Yes likewise, bf for quite some time after night weaning. Twice a day towards the end.

Honestly you're doing so well. My boy just turned two and still comes into bed with me. Luckily he weaned when I got pregnant again. Bit at 8 months old what you are going through is totally normal but I understand how much of a toll it takes.

What you need is someone to help with baby through the day so you can have a really good long sleep. I say day because I always find nighttimes much harder to soothe a baby who knows what they want! You need a few days of this so you can recuperate.

I'd also try and keep on with the weaning. Maybe even a bit of mashed banana reasonably close to bed time?
I definitely remember a phase of thinking and feeling how you are.

You're doing a fantastic job and your baby is completely normal (and sounds just like ours was!). Have a look on The Beyond Sleep Training Project on Facebook if you want to feel less alone.

Regarding your husband, mine slept in the spare bedroom so that he got some solid sleep and then got up with the baby every morning from 5:30am so I got short lie ins on weekdays and long ones on weekends. That way I could cope. Would something like that be an option for you?

Sleeping separately didn't impact our sex life (our baby's most reliable chunk of sleep was at the start of the night so we used to do it then, it wasn't connected to our bedtime) but I had an easy delivery and recovered well. Do you feel ready for/want sex or just feel like you "should"? There are plenty of ways of staying emotionally (and sexually, if you fancy it) connected without having intercourse. How understanding is your husband of your birth trauma (both emotionally and physically)?

Sounds totally normal to me. Hard but normal. I don’t think mine were even doing that long! I remember thinking, about 9 months, bloody hell can’t you sleep though now, with every one of them. By 12 months they were (more or less) and now, older, they are brilliant sleepers. You’ll get there, just take it a day at a time and get help from partner/ friends/ family- you’re not failing to ask for a bit of help!

I know this doesn't help right now but hang in there. I've got a 15 month old DS, ebf and bed sharing (still), also do the nights because if DH tries to help, DS gets distressed despite his close relationship. His sleep is up and down (teething, colds, regressions) but it got SO much better at around 12 months old. He started linking cycles and very often I get 3-4 hours a couple times a night now. The last few weeks have been difficult - teething then regression (he learned to walk) then a cold and ear infection but when things are going smoothly, we sleep so much better.

Just know what you are describing is absolutely normal and you're doing amazing!