To feel I’m absolutely failing at motherhood

[Blueberry231]

DS is 8m/o and the most gorgeous happy little baby. He is EBF and we stopped trying a bottle after the first 4 months he refused one so I’ve done every milk feed since day one. He isn’t particularly interested in solids but is eating some, three times a day. He naps three times a day for about 30-40 minutes currently (always a battle to get him to sleep thiough).

He starts off the night in his own room in his bed, after being fed to sleep, and comes in with me about 11pm (he wakes once or twice before this and DH resettles) but when I go to bed he comes in with me and this is where I am struggling.

He is on and off the boob all night. He rarely goes an hour without waking and crying and rooting around for it. He gets very upset if I try to shush him or cuddle him back to sleep. He only wants boob. He will be on and off all night long. I’m getting next to no sleep.

DS has never in his little life slept longer than 4 hours and that’s happened once or twice. A two hour stretch is good for him. I honestly don’t know how I’m still alive to be honest 🤣 I haven’t had more than two hours in a row in at least 4 months now. Normally I’m woken every single hour of the night.

This surely can’t be normal? I feel like everyone else’s babies sleep for a bit longer at least.

DH is in the spare room (still) because he snores and I find it easier to just deal with DS on my own. But I think it’s affecting our relationship. We’ve not had sex since DS was born (very traumatic natural birth) and I have zero sex drive. He rarely cuddles or shows me affection any more and I feel we just live in the same house in separate rooms and both parent our baby (who he is fantastic with).

I want to continue breastfeeding and co sleeping. But I also want my husband to come back in with us, and for my DS to sleep a bit longer. Am I asking too much? Will this ever happen? I feel totally stuck and like I am failing today 😢 I’m so consumed by the lack of sleep, our situation, wondering if it’s normal… I just want to be happy for our DS who deserves fun and a smiling mummy.

You're not a terrible mum, at all - but you're perhaps not being particularly kind to yourself!

How committed are you to co sleeping? My first was a terrible sleeper, I hate bed sharing but she was in a next 2 me and woke every two hours - the first night in her own room at 7 months she slept ten hours straight. We'd been disturbing each other. It was a complete step change. Now it didn't work for my friends or with my second but you never know.

I didn't night wean or anything, just fed them to sleep and then moved them to their cot. Breastfed overnight as needed (make sure you have somewhere comfy in their room!).

If he cuts the night feeds he will hopefully eat more solids in the day.

I’ll get slammed for saying this but breastfeeding and co-sleeping is a recipe for broken sleep and fractious babies.

I remember a hospital nursery nurse asking me how I was feeding DD once as I was complaining of being tired. I said bf but that I wanted to switch to ff. She said ‘Well that will solve itself then, we’re not supposed to say it but bf babies are terrible sleepers’.

You can of course carry on co-sleeping, but to what end if it means neither of you are getting good quality sleep? Don’t feel like you have to do something that isn’t working because it ticks certain ‘mum point’ boxes.

very often I get 3-4 hours a couple times a night now.

When your child is over 1?? That doesn’t sound like he’s getting enough sleep?

Bananas before bed help the body produce the sleep hormones and it fills their belly I used to give it to mine every night in some porridge and I swear it helped
At 8 months try giving them more solid food
I remember this time well sorry you are having a rough time xx

Yanbu. Normal.

It is hard though

Sympathies OP, i remember it well. DD was a very poor sleeper, and we did as you did with co sleeping and DP in spare room.
From about 6 months, I left my breast accessible to her and she helped herself and I learnt to sleep through many feeds. ( following safe co sleeping guidance)
DP moved back into the room when DD was a year old, we brought a super king bed and DD was next to me at the side of the bed, with a bed guard.
I am afraid that despite weaning her off the breast at 19 months old, she still did not sleep through until she was

1. At 4 she was able to move into her bedroom.

She is now 8 and probably sleeps with me once or twice a month. I’m still catching up on the lost sleep! 😂

My son was similar but slept well until 6 months when he started teething and he was how you describe your son basically feeding on and off all night. Probably as comfort due to teething. For us it slowly got better and by 1 he was sleeping through. He coslept with us the whole night from birth until he was a year because it meant I didn't have to physically get up in the night. I don't think I slept well but I managed to feed from both breasts lying on one side and he at least never cried as he was close enough to just find them when he wanted them! So it's crappy but it will get better! At a year when he was sleeping through he went into a cot and I had to climb in and feed him to sleep but he generally slept through once he was asleep!

@Glassofshloer

very often I get 3-4 hours a couple times a night now.

When your child is over 1?? That doesn’t sound like he’s getting enough sleep?

I didn't write that very clearly! I mean he'll sleep 3-4 hours in a row, wake for 5 mins then do another 3-4 hours then wake for 5 mins then do another 2-3 hours for example. He sleeps 11-12 hours at night with a couple of wake ups lasting 5 minutes (enough time to nurse and go back to sleep). That's a non-teething night though!

You’re doing grand! I recommend joining a breastfeeding support group (maybe Facebook?) as there is so little useful advice for bfing older babies. Yes they do wake up more often than formula fed ones. And yes teething probably is having an effect. I went back to work when DS was around 8 months and it almost broke me! Separation anxiety made him wake every 2 hours and he was feeding non stop. However it passed and he now (mostly!) let’s me sleep at 3 years old!

You’re absolutely not failing! But you can take steps to hopefully get yourself some more sleep.

This thread saved my sanity! Within a week DD went from up every 45 mins to sleep through: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/1394888-What-worked-for-us-Hope-this-helps

(She was ebf and I night weaned, but I’m still breastfeeding her twice a day at 1.5)