Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to go to Christmas Party?

69 replies

WhatIsThisPlease · 14/10/2021 08:18

Our works Christmas party has been arranged for the 17th December. It's in a hotel, lots of companies all mixing together.

I've told my boss I don't want to go as it's so close to Christmas, if I get Covid there I'll I've to self-isolate for the whole of Christmas.

Both sets of parents (in their 70s) are coming to me so if I am self-isolating I'll have to cancel the day and they'll be left at home on their own. Added to that I won't be allowed out of the house in the run up to Christmas so no last minute shopping, no supermarket food shop etc.

Boss isn't happy but I think this is terrible planning. I just don't want to risk Christmas with my family for the sake of one night out with work colleagues. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hillary17 · 14/10/2021 08:57

It’s not compulsory, just say you have other arrangements and you won’t be going. Mine is the 23rd December and hadn’t even crossed me mind Shock

TheAntiGardener · 14/10/2021 08:58

The manager not being happy about what op said may well explain why she has had to justify this. As soon as fun becomes compulsory I resent it, so I’d be looking for an out regardless of any Covid risk!

Original poster
WhatIsThisPlease · 14/10/2021 09:14

Thanks for all the replies.

Historically, we've been told works dos like this are as close to compulsory as you can get - without actually calling it compulsory! There are less than 20 of us so everyone's attendance is usually expected.

I did say I couldn't make it when the email came out but was made to feel like I needed to explain why.

Think I'll stick to my guns and say no.

OP posts:
Whichjab · 14/10/2021 09:15

@StCharlotte

Ahh I love a work Christmas party!

Ours is on the 17th as well. But we've hired out a local restaurant exclusively and we've all been back in the office together for months anyway so I'm not worried.

At some point we have to put the fear in a box and lock it away.

Firstly that's not comparable to op situation where she is mixing with other firms so much greater risk.

Secondly it's not fear, it's sense. She wants to spend Christmas with her parents.

heldinadream · 14/10/2021 09:17

@WhatIsThisPlease

Our works Christmas party has been arranged for the 17th December. It's in a hotel, lots of companies all mixing together.

I've told my boss I don't want to go as it's so close to Christmas, if I get Covid there I'll I've to self-isolate for the whole of Christmas.

Both sets of parents (in their 70s) are coming to me so if I am self-isolating I'll have to cancel the day and they'll be left at home on their own. Added to that I won't be allowed out of the house in the run up to Christmas so no last minute shopping, no supermarket food shop etc.

Boss isn't happy but I think this is terrible planning. I just don't want to risk Christmas with my family for the sake of one night out with work colleagues. AIBU?

How is he expressing not being happy? Has he actually said he thinks you should go or worse, that he wants you to go? Or are you interpreting grumpy noises and eye rolls or something? Or is there a blanket email saying they expect people to go? What?

These things are a PITA at the best of times. If we know what you're actually dealing with we can better think of a get out that meets it.

FlorenceWintle · 14/10/2021 09:19

@WhatIsThisPlease

Thanks for all the replies.

Historically, we've been told works dos like this are as close to compulsory as you can get - without actually calling it compulsory! There are less than 20 of us so everyone's attendance is usually expected.

I did say I couldn't make it when the email came out but was made to feel like I needed to explain why.

Think I'll stick to my guns and say no.

Well, that’s not a reasonable position for them to take. Either something is part of your job description and you are paid for the time spent doing it or it’s outside of work hours, not paid and therefore optional. So I’d feel quite free to ignore them!
Bluntness100 · 14/10/2021 09:22

Personally I don’t agree the whole don’t explain thing, it’s polite to explain as this is practically compulsory but just stick to your guns. If you’re anxious you’re anxious and you can’t be forced to do something that worries you like this,

starrynight87 · 14/10/2021 09:25

Stick to your guns, I hate the pressure of attending a party you didn't ask to attend!

Most people would rather the afternoon off.

Original poster
WhatIsThisPlease · 14/10/2021 09:31

How is he expressing not being happy? Has he actually said he thinks you should go or worse, that he wants you to go? Or are you interpreting grumpy noises and eye rolls or something? Or is there a blanket email saying they expect people to go? What?

These things are a PITA at the best of times. If we know what you're actually dealing with we can better think of a get out that meets it.

When the email came out I replied to boss saying I couldn't make it. He then messaged me on my mobile and asked me why. I explained concerns over Covid and he then asked me if I'd told his boss (my 'big boss') that I wasn't going, implying he'd be annoyed.

But like others have said, it's my time, I'm not being paid and I suppose they can't force me - even if they make me feel uncomfortable about it.

My main AIBU was more whether I was being silly thinking I could catch Covid at the party. I just know that when people are drinking and the music is loud, there'll be no personal space, let alone social distancing!

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 14/10/2021 09:34

@StCharlotte

Ahh I love a work Christmas party!

Ours is on the 17th as well. But we've hired out a local restaurant exclusively and we've all been back in the office together for months anyway so I'm not worried.

At some point we have to put the fear in a box and lock it away.

Its not just about fear though, its about the inconvenience and the disruption to things that you might be looking forward to more.
WomanStanleyWoman · 14/10/2021 09:35

@lockdownmadnessdotcom

I'm with the others, just say you can't make it.

And ignore any idiots who come on here and say how miserable they find colleagues who won't socialise.

Bit OTT given a) no one has said anything like this and b) the OP hasn’t said she has an issues with socialising with colleagues; just the timing and implications of this particular event.
GoodnightGrandma · 14/10/2021 09:38

Just don’t go.
We will be having an Xmas buffet at work, and the usual people will be sticking their fingers in the food. So I’ll be there, but I’ll be eating my home made butties at my desk.

heldinadream · 14/10/2021 09:42

@WhatIsThisPlease

How is he expressing not being happy? Has he actually said he thinks you should go or worse, that he wants you to go? Or are you interpreting grumpy noises and eye rolls or something? Or is there a blanket email saying they expect people to go? What?

These things are a PITA at the best of times. If we know what you're actually dealing with we can better think of a get out that meets it.

When the email came out I replied to boss saying I couldn't make it. He then messaged me on my mobile and asked me why. I explained concerns over Covid and he then asked me if I'd told his boss (my 'big boss') that I wasn't going, implying he'd be annoyed.

But like others have said, it's my time, I'm not being paid and I suppose they can't force me - even if they make me feel uncomfortable about it.

My main AIBU was more whether I was being silly thinking I could catch Covid at the party. I just know that when people are drinking and the music is loud, there'll be no personal space, let alone social distancing!

Gotcha. So email sent out about party. You send (perfectly reasonable) reply declining invitation and he replies with 'Why?'

'That's personal I'm afraid - I hope you all have a lovely party and hopefully I'll be able to join you next year.'

He has NO RIGHT to ask why you've declined an invite to a social event. He's overstepping your boundaries. Assert your boundaries. The party is not work, and you're not paid for it.

shakehandswithdanger · 14/10/2021 09:48

This sort of thing is why I used to secretly wish that work parties would fade into nonexistence, though it's not something I have to think about much, now. (Thank you, self-employment.) At so many places, there too much pressure to attend! You shouldn't need a reason!

HoppingPavlova · 14/10/2021 09:50

We have a strict budget per person for ours and it’s tight making sure everyone has a good time without going over so I’d be grateful knowing if people weren’t planning to attend so I could redistribute their allocation

Same here re tight budget per person but our work well and truly closed that loophole as we are prohibited from spreading non-attendees money over everyone else to upliftHmm. The best we can hope for is a significant number of non-drinkers to make the money go further for everyone else who does fancy a tipple if that makes sense.

2me2u2u2me · 14/10/2021 10:18

He has NO RIGHT to ask why you've declined an invite to a social event. He's overstepping your boundaries. Assert your boundaries. The party is not work, and you're not paid for it.

Totally agree with this, Covid aside I can't believe he thinks it's ok to ask, I'd have just replied, I've already got commitments and left it at that ... cheeky fecker.

CounsellorTroi · 14/10/2021 10:22

I used to love that kind of works Christmas do, meal in hotel followed by good bop, but by the time I finished working they had fallen out of favour and it was a meal in a restaurant followed by pub crawl which I really found quite boring.

YANBU for not wanting to go.

Idontlike · 14/10/2021 10:30

I’m not going to ours for the same reason OP.
A hotel with meal and disco with a mix of businesses paying for tables -nope!

emmathedilemma · 14/10/2021 10:31

Surely a xmas party isn't compulsory? I've seeing covid as a great excuse not to go to ours this year!

fruckkkit · 14/10/2021 10:37

I won't be going to ours for similar reasons (even though I don't know when it is or what the format will be yet!). I'm still being fairly careful with socialising in my personal life, and only meeting up with small groups of friends who I know are being similarly careful, in places I feel comfortable in (e.g. no pubs / restaurants that are small and cramped, nowhere where pissed people are likely to get too close and breathe all over me).

I don't see why work should be able to force me to potentially go somewhere I'm not comfortable with, with work colleagues who I know aren't being careful at all. In the office there is limited attendance on any given day, and we can choose what days we go in and where we sit, I sit in the airiest part of the office where desks are well spaced and I'm not next to the colleagues I know that are going out clubbing every weekend. I won't have that luxury at a Christmas do.

I have no issue at all with other people wanting to get back to normal, and I hope they all have a lovely time. I just won't be there, and I will happily explain my reasons to anyone who asks.

I'd be very interested in the legal position in the event someone is forced to go to a work do in their own time, catches covid and falls seriously ill / dies / passes it onto vulnerable family members.

Sausagedogsarethebest · 14/10/2021 10:40

YANBU. My husband caught Covid a week before last Christmas and we all had to self isolate. I couldn't go Christmas food shopping and couldn't have my elderly, widowed mother round so she had to spend it on her own. It was dismal. It's not unreasonable to want to protect yourself from crowds before the holidays.

Holskey · 14/10/2021 10:42

@Aprilx

I wouldn’t share your concerns, I am trying to get back to normal. But nobody is unreasonable for not wanting to attend something, you don’t even need a reason.
I agree
Mandatorymongoose · 14/10/2021 10:59

We are banned from work Christmas parties this year (and face to face team meetings still) in case one person has covid and takes out the whole service.

TheDogsMother · 14/10/2021 11:02

Ahh the ultimate oxymoron ..... 'work party'

NandJ · 14/10/2021 11:11

Complete and utter lunacy to hold parties during Covid, especially those where each attendee comes from a different household bubble.

Stick it to them, OP.