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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents!

29 replies

MumofOne111111 · 13/10/2021 22:59

So I have a 6mo son and my partners parents live about 45 minutes away. I’ve done light sleep training with him and now he sleeps 12 hours and has good naps etc and he’s in a good routine (not strict but it works for him). I’ve put loads of effort into doing what works best for him (as I’m sure most parents do - it’s just what we do right)
So he sees his grandparents (partners mum and dad) quite often as they live quite close (my parents live about 3 hours away and they come up every other week) - the other day there was a bit of an argument because they (parents parents) were 2.5 hours late for picking him up after saying they wanted to have him for the day.
When we went to collect him we discussed the argument and MIL made a comment about being ‘worried’ that when I go back to work whoever is looking after my son will struggle with his routine.
Firstly - his “routine” is that he has 3 naps a day when he’s tired - thats it.
Secondly - I felt like saying that it wasn’t a concern of hers as he isn’t her son!
AIBU for getting so annoyed about this comment?

Another thing with PIL is that they constantly make me feel like I’m overthinking things with my son and over complicating it. There’s a lot of “back when we had the kids we did it this way…” comments
But back when they had children 30 years ago a lot of the advice was different (don’t get me started on baby rice)
I’m not a particularly OTT mum but I do research into different methods for things like sleep/weaning etc just because as a FTM I have no idea what I’m doing and just want to do the best for my son.

I might just be being sensitive but the idea that they perpetuate that I’m this neurotic parent really bothers me

Not sure if I’m after advice or just wanted to rant really!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofOne111111 · 13/10/2021 23:05

I think my main points are also that:

They keep saying they want to see him more but are late when they’re meant to have him

They won’t drop him home so we always have to go and pick him up

They moved 40 minutes away when they were previously 20 minutes away but they still expect us to drop him round and pick him up and want to be his child care when I go back to work

They act like I’m OTT with how I raise him

When he does go to theirs they’ll take him out and take him to the pub (which is fine) but whenever we pick him up he’s never had a nap so he’s cranky in the evening

They keep suggesting that we let him stay over (which I won’t have a problem with in the future but at 6 months I think it’s too young (for me personally) but they keep pushing it - even saying that when I go back to work he stays over 2 nights a week which is like 1/3 of the whole week that I wouldn’t see my baby)

I don’t like bad mouthing my partners parents to him so I bottle it up which I think is making it worse

OP posts:
moonriverandme · 13/10/2021 23:21

We have an 8 week old grandson. I would never tell my daughter how to care for him unless she asked for advice or unless something was being done that I thought was harmful. We chat about differences in pregnancy & parenting since she was a baby but I don't suggest she does what I did, he's her baby not mine. I wouldn't ask to have him stay unless & until she suggests it & when we are lucky enough to provide childcare we will follow what we are told ,even if it's not what we would have done, anything else is disrespectful in my opinion.

butterflyze · 13/10/2021 23:31

Well by the time you go back to work his routine will be different anyway. I found that we were forever playing catchup with routine, and as soon as we thought we'd cracked it, good old dc would move the goalposts and we'd be back to square one.

Why would he need to stay with them two nights a week when you go back to work anyway?

Original poster
MumofOne111111 · 13/10/2021 23:39

Yeh 100% agree with the routine changing - he’ll be 9 months old when I go back to work

Basically they want to pick him up and then have my partner drive from work and get him - but it’s an hours drive from work and then 45 minutes home which I’ve said l wouldn’t work with tea time/bedtime etc so they want him to stay 2 nights so we wouldn’t have to do 2 disruptive pick ups ( I would rather do none! So I’ve said if they pick him up Friday morning he could stay over and we would get him on a Saturday)
I feel like I’m constantly saying no to their suggestions but I’m the one that knows this baby better than anyone and feel like I’m the only one looking at the actual practicalities of it all!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofOne111111 · 13/10/2021 23:40

Thank you for saying this - this is how my parents are about my son and how I think it should be - didn’t know if I was just going crazy thinking they were being out of order

OP posts:
KaptainKaveman · 13/10/2021 23:52

You sound like very hard work OP. A bit obsessed with your "sleep training" perhaps?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 13/10/2021 23:54

Sounds like they are being deliberately awkward so your DS has to stay over with them. I'd be looking for other childcare. I think now is the time to lay down your boundaries and stick to them. Your DP needs to back you up. On another note, why do they have him now? I'd limit their time with him to be at your home.

MMAMPWGHAP · 14/10/2021 00:02

@KaptainKaveman

You sound like very hard work OP. A bit obsessed with your "sleep training" perhaps?
You sound perfectly normal OP!
SeasonFinale · 14/10/2021 00:15

Honestly I would just pay for childcare lkcal to home when you do go back.

Also how you parent and sleep train your child is entirely up to you.

ChuckGarabedian · 14/10/2021 00:50

I don’t think the OP sounds like ‘very hard work’, it’s just frustrating when a PIL tries to undermine how you choose to parent. Getting them to sleep is a huge thing for new parents and if you feel you cracked on to something that works, makes sense you’ll want to try and maintain it. Even though, as a PP pointed out, baby will probably shake things up in a month or two!

KatieKat88 · 14/10/2021 00:58

No way would my almost 2 year old be away from me one night per week, let alone a young baby. Do you actually want this? If so fair enough to come up with a compromise with grandparents, but if not find a local nursery/childminder that suits you better.

Ionlydomassiveones · 14/10/2021 01:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BookFiend4Life · 14/10/2021 04:09

Do you even want them to have her over one night a week? I wouldn't agree to any weekly arrangements unless you're really sure it's something you want. My babe is coming up on 9 months and I can't imagine being away from her one night a week, which is no judgement on people who have something like that set up, I just think you might want to wait and try one sleepover before agreeing to a weekly thing. Also I kept thinking "oh when she's 4 months I'll be ready to do this, when she's 6 months I'll be ready to do that..." etc. I'm not ready for any of it, I'm not even ready for her to sleep in her own bed. I'm aware I'm a nutcase but you never know how you'll feel till you get there.

You sound like a perfectly normal FTM to me. I'm probably not the best judge though ;)

bookish83 · 14/10/2021 04:15

@KaptainKaveman

You sound like very hard work OP. A bit obsessed with your "sleep training" perhaps?
Not true

OP if the childcare they offer doesn't fit with what works for you all then look elsewhere. No way would I want that journey on top of a work day! Work return is hard enough at first.

I would be cross at the lack of naps as essentially they are making their grandchild tired and likely upset. Not fair on the baby

Sleepdeprived42long · 14/10/2021 04:29

Mines are 9 and 7 now but I’ve also had issue with MIL over the years. She’s very forceful with her opinions and also paid little regard for routine and my instructions. But…when I looked objectively, she was and still is so good with my kids. I’m willing to overlook almost everything else for that. I realised a missed nap or poor food choice was annoying but that what mattered was my children are happy being with her and she loves them. I also always looked at childcare as them doing us a favour by taking DCs as they didn’t have to so we were always happy to go along with how they wanted the arrangement to work. Re taking baby overnight, your call but I would say it’s much easier to get them used to that early on and that has benefits as they get older!

Coyoacan · 14/10/2021 04:53

It is very easy for us old ones to give our opinions when they are neither asked for nor wanted but, in my case, my dd has always been very good at correcting me when I overstep the boundaries.

You do not have to let anyone look after your baby or to have them overnight unless that suits you. And if your PIL are openly disdainful of your parenting ideas, personally I would look for other childcare.

Silvetmoon · 14/10/2021 05:01

Honestly it sounds like you need a bit of a break from them!

Original poster
MumofOne111111 · 14/10/2021 07:30

@Ionlydomassiveones

Firstly, if you’re ultra confident about what you’re doing why are you so sensitive to their comments? Secondly, after all those hours of perfectionist ‘sleep training’ and hours of nerdy parenting research and add another 20 odd years of parenting turbulence and you’ll probably roll your eyes at whatever lowest-denominator cautionary trends are around when your perfectly healthy kids have babies of their own.

Parenting 30 years ago wasn’t all medieval witchery. They had epidurals, car seats, health visitors, knowledge about cot death and ‘breast is best’ back then. It wasn’t the sodding dark ages.

It’s perfectly normal for older parents to be more cavalier about things - they've been through it all. It must be irritating and frustrating when it’s your new child, and you’re ultra protective and think you’ve got it all wrapped up, but they mean no harm and want to bond with their grandchild. Just tell them clearly and plainly what your expectations and boundaries are (eg. No pub, no sleepovers yet etc). Get buy in from DH. Try to trust them. Your child won’t explode into a thousand pieces if his routine is slightly out - but a good bond with grandparents is absolute gold.

I’ll address your first little dig of “nerdy research” I said I’m a FTM - I don’t have a lot of family near me and only one other friend who’s had a baby - other than looking it up and researching how else am I supposed to have a clue what to do with a baby?

Secondly - I have no issues/worries with them looking after my child or he wouldn’t see them on his own - my point is that they are questioning the way I am raising my child by saying back in their day they did it a certain way - I.e when babies wouldn’t sleep just give them baby rice - this isn’t what I want to do and is now proven (30 years of nerdy research later) not to work so the comments from them aren’t helpful and are annoying.

Thirdly - that’s great that after 30 years of experience GPs can be more cavalier - I’ll remember that in 30 years time or when I fix my time machine - for me right now I don’t want to be cavalier with the most precious thing in my life.

And lastly - I understand that relationship is gold hence why I am trying to be as accommodating as possible with them seeing him and I encourage it - but I’m also not going to put my child through a load of disruption to have a relationship with his GPs if they aren’t going to also be accommodating.

Thanks for your advice - but the point would be better made if you didn’t undercut it with bitchy and judgemental jabs.

OP posts:
Devon1987 · 14/10/2021 08:15

I would decline the over nights with “no that doesn’t work for us” or “I never understand why some mothers would want their children to sleep out so early”.
How you raise your child is your business, they had their chance and this is yours. Yes 30 years things were different, like cot death being high.
If they can’t respect the routine no more unsupervised access. As it isn’t benefiting your child coming home tired and cranky. And when did pubs become a fun place to take a baby?

Immaculatemisconception · 14/10/2021 08:18

Don’t take any shit from anyone, is something I’ve learned. It’s great advice and it will change your life. Do it politely but stand firm. 💐

AlexaShutUp · 14/10/2021 08:24

There's an easy solution to this. Don't have them do any childcare. They see your ds with you, when they visit you or you visit them. If they push to do the childcare, you say no, appreciate the offer but sorry, that doesn't work for us.

Veryverycalmnow · 14/10/2021 08:24

YANBU. They just can't help themselves can they? I'm sure not all PIL can be like this but mine were- little subtle digs all the time.
Ignore ignore ignore!!!!

Howshouldibehave · 14/10/2021 08:24

but they still expect us to drop him round and pick him up and want to be his child care when I go back to work

They can expect all they won’t-you don’t have to do it.

I’d book a nursery for childcare now so that’s sorted

If they want to see the baby, they can come and visit.

PlanetTeaTime · 14/10/2021 08:33

Hey OP FTM of an 8mo here

I FEEL YOU

No advice except, it's bloody annoying and I don't think you are being unreasonable

If they had their in laws telling them how to raise their son 30 years ago, then they'd have found it annoying too

ALSO I noticed someone make a comment about how it wasn't the dark ages or something back then and they knew about cot death. Well whoop-tie do for you follow poster, but I think you'll find that they only started the SIDS (it's not called cot death anymore btw) campaign in like 1990 and I'll bet you there was a bunch of middle age twerps batting around the phrase "It DidN't dO yOU anY HarM" back then too. So in summary, pipe down.

converseandjeans · 14/10/2021 08:36

I would use nursery or childminder and they can help other days.

If he's 45 mins drive away he'll likely nap on the way home and won't go to bed properly. Also you will spend hours ferrying him around.

I think he's too young for sleepovers.