Grandparents!

[MumofOne111111]

So I have a 6mo son and my partners parents live about 45 minutes away. I’ve done light sleep training with him and now he sleeps 12 hours and has good naps etc and he’s in a good routine (not strict but it works for him). I’ve put loads of effort into doing what works best for him (as I’m sure most parents do - it’s just what we do right)
So he sees his grandparents (partners mum and dad) quite often as they live quite close (my parents live about 3 hours away and they come up every other week) - the other day there was a bit of an argument because they (parents parents) were 2.5 hours late for picking him up after saying they wanted to have him for the day.
When we went to collect him we discussed the argument and MIL made a comment about being ‘worried’ that when I go back to work whoever is looking after my son will struggle with his routine.
Firstly - his “routine” is that he has 3 naps a day when he’s tired - thats it.
Secondly - I felt like saying that it wasn’t a concern of hers as he isn’t her son!
AIBU for getting so annoyed about this comment?

Another thing with PIL is that they constantly make me feel like I’m overthinking things with my son and over complicating it. There’s a lot of “back when we had the kids we did it this way…” comments
But back when they had children 30 years ago a lot of the advice was different (don’t get me started on baby rice)
I’m not a particularly OTT mum but I do research into different methods for things like sleep/weaning etc just because as a FTM I have no idea what I’m doing and just want to do the best for my son.

I might just be being sensitive but the idea that they perpetuate that I’m this neurotic parent really bothers me

Not sure if I’m after advice or just wanted to rant really!

I mean you sound like a normal FTM to me but that does tend to mean slight obsession with routines and timing etc.

When you have another child trust me you'll be totally different 😂

I do agree though on the pick up/drop off timings - if they are offering the childcare rather than you financially needing it then they need to come to yours

but yes you do need to loosen the reins on the routine and come to terms with the fact that whoever is looking after your child be it a paid childcare situation or family one then they will have their own routines and you just have to live with it

I know it's not what you've asked but YABU for sleep training.

Your PILs are ridiculous for wanting an infant for sleepovers but the very least you can do for free childcare is do some of the driving OP.

You also can't expect your rigid routines to be followed by unpaid childcare 🤷🏻‍♀️ if you want your own routine followed you'll have to get a nanny.

If your MIL is making rude comments then your partner is responsible for pulling her up on it.

Your PIL are being ridiculous. I'm struggling to see why you've accommodated all this endless driving around to fetch and carry, but I guess while you're not working you've got time. I can assure you that I would not have been leaving my 9 month old with anyone that required me (or DH) to drive 45 minutes in one direction after work, then 45 minutes back. Not least because with my DC, they would have passed out in the car on such a drive at the end of the day (especially if they hadn't napped) and would then have had a terrible and unsettled night. Which means a terrible and unsettled night for me.

As for sleeping over twice a week. hahaha. If that's what you want, then sure, accept with gratitude. I had a friend who changed her work so that she did a few very very long days and then had other days off so on her long days (twice a week I think) her mum had her DD overnight. It worked for her. But that's the point - it worked for her. if it doesn't work for you, ditch the idea. Depending on your career, having one night a week where you don't have to rush home might be helpful (I know a few women in the City who arrange nanny/childcare for at least one evening for this exact reason), but that's entirely up to you.

You do sound a bit uptight. You are a first time mum so I guess everyone is but please try to relax a bit. If you get uptight over every detail of your child’s ‘routine’ then you are causing yourself more stress than is necessary.

Also, them telling you what they did in the past is advice, not expectation and you sound like you are taking too much to heart. Take the advice you like and forget the advice you don’t. Sorry, but it is true that ‘iT dIdn’T hUrT iN mY dAy’ as someone so eloquently put it just means that children didn’t die when things were done another way. There are a million ways to raise a child so don’t take all professional advice as the only way you should raise your child as advice constantly changes.

Please don’t take this the wrong way but you sound a little anxious about your child. And although I think some anxiety is normal please keep an eye on it so it doesn’t spiral. I don’t expect it will but there is just something about how you talk which makes me worry. Like you do sound a bit more touchy than I would think another first time mum would be. Or is that just what you are like outside motherhood?

Look after yourself as well as your baby - you matter just as much, believe me.