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Original poster

Have I failed my son?

64 replies

ohdeerdolly · 13/10/2021 21:13

Ds is coming up 10 and still can't do a few really basic things. He is left handed and can't tie his shoelaces Blush this is partly my fault as I've always got him Velcro or slip on shoes. We have been practicing lately but when he can't do something he gets really angry and gives up. I try to encourage him to keep going but it's painful for everyone involved.

More worryingly we are having the same issue with him riding a bike. He just can't get his balance. We have been practicing for years and he's even been to cycling schools but he still can't do it and again, he ends up getting really frustrated and emotional.

He's very clever and isn't delayed in any other ways but it bothers me that he's finding such basic life skills so tough. He's also getting to the age where he is wanting to go out with friends and be a little more independent and I'm worried these things are going to hold him back and single him out.

It's not that I haven't tried but maybe I haven't pushed enough? I still can't help feeling I've failed somehow in instilling these basic skills in him before now. Has anyone got any advice? I'm at the point where I think we literally just have to sit and practice until he can tie the lace or ride the bike.

Are these things that he will just 'get' one day?

OP posts:
Dublincalling2 · 13/10/2021 22:44

Ask a left handed person to show him the laces or you tube and practice. The bike, cycle on a flat surface, with long sleeves and trousers in case he falls off and practice, privately if possible. He'll get it. There's no adult I know who can't tie their laces.

bubbleteatea · 13/10/2021 22:46

Don't be too hard on yourself! Some kids just take more time than others for some things. He will get there. In terms of riding a bike - my son took to it faster after trying with a scooter (2 wheels). It helped him understand balance and his centre of gravity. Would it be worth trying with a scooter first for practice?

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 22:52

Dyspraxia isn't always obvious neither DD nor I can throw or catch, she taught herself to ride a bike at 3, amazing runner, plays Footie, handwriting, cutlery and shoe laces appalling. We both can drive, I can dance.

DD has a formal diagnose a d erm she doesn't get it from her Dad it's definitely me 🤣

It's actually how it affected her processing that flagged to me something was wrong. It's for more complicated than zero coordination.

Acheyknees · 13/10/2021 22:53

This was my son! He's left handed and struggled with both tying his shoelaces and bike riding. I was worried just like you but he eventually learnt, he ties his laces very differently to me.... He makes 2 bunny rabbit ears (loops), then ties those together. He's 20 now and still does it!
He eventually learnt to ride but just doesn't bother now, he never enjoyed it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 13/10/2021 22:54

Dyspraxia sounds like I good call.

I'm also left handed and struggled with things such as tying shoe laces because I just couldn't do it how right handed people did.

trumpisagit · 13/10/2021 22:54

My children are both left handed (I am right handed).
I found teaching them to do their laces hard.
Can you tie them left handed? I learnt that first so I could demonstrate it.
DS1 had a Dyspraxia diagnosis, and he did find it hard, but he was keen to keep trying as he wanted to wear laces.
What's your DS' incentive to ride his bike or tie his laces?

Ozberry · 13/10/2021 22:58

My son is 19 and has had a diagnosis of dyspraxia since he was six. I still question my parenting on a regular basis. It’s a different world.
I’d get him checked OP. When you have a child who doesn’t learn intrinsically you feel you aren’t doing what other people are, but it’s not you.

Disclaimer: speaking from the experience of a parent of dyspraxia rather than actually knowing you or your child

Muttly · 13/10/2021 23:00

No way with that sporting ability that I would guess dyspraxia although some forms are more related to fine or gross motor skills. My DD learned late to cycle a bike and ties shoe laces like a 6 year old and she has dyspraxia and she can’t easily catch throw dance either. If she can earn I promise you your soon can.

LadyLothbrook · 13/10/2021 23:02

Dyspraxic and lefty (handed) here! You haven't failed your son. Book an appt with you GP and get a referral my 9 yo DD has recently been diagnosed and we have just mastered bike riding albeit still abiy wobbly and lace tying is still abit of an ordeal. If it is dyspraxia you will find he may feel less frustrated since there is an explanation for it. My DD mood and self esteem has improved since diagnosis.

Danikm151 · 13/10/2021 23:03

As a leftie I can say watching a right handed person tie laces is condfusing as hell 🤣
Do you know another leftie who can show him? i did this with my cousin’s kids.
Same with handwriting, it wasn’t until I hd a left handed teacher that it clicked for me.
Riding a bike was practice and practice over and over.

Winecurestiredness · 13/10/2021 23:05

Oh no OP. The fact you are a very patient and understanding mother means you absolutely have not failed him. I am dyspraxic and sadly I felt a lot of pressure from my mother growing up. This is what made all the difference in my mental health. Eventually at age 11 once the pressure eased off, I learnt to ride my bike and swim. But the mental damage from my mother sadly has lasted me into adulthood, and it also affected my relationship with my childhood friend, because she always used to compare my milestones to hers unfortunately

olidora63 · 13/10/2021 23:05

I am left handed. All my children are right handed…they eat ,do their laces etc left handed . If your child is struggling it’s because he/ she is dyspraxic..really don’t worry about it .💐

Winecurestiredness · 13/10/2021 23:11

My son is 9 and autistic.. was a very premature baby. His school force him to do swimming lessons which I could never have coped with him myself. He gets hysterical near water. I can kind of sense his TAs and teachers being judgey that I haven't pushed it further with him...but I am not qualified to push him. I could do it completely wrong. My husband works in the bicycle trade, he knew not to push autistic DS1, but with DS2 he saw that he had an interest in bikes so he has been teaching him. He won't even attempt with DS1 which is saying something. Me and my dad fell out so many times over my coordination issues, it almost wasn't worth it..I would have rather have gone to a private instructor

Strokethefurrywall · 13/10/2021 23:12

My left handed 7 year old is the same although he has learned how to tie his shoelaces learning the bunny method.
Bike riding nope, still happy to ride with training wheels.
He’s got APD, some reading issues and has proprioception issues but and was negative for dyspraxia. Otherwise perfectly fine and is adapting in his own way. Part of his progress is that he’s pretty affable and hard to upset, just takes life in his stride.

Interestingly he’s an amazing artist for his age and has rock solid fine motor skills.

I don’t think you’ve not pushed him hard enough, but he may find these things harder due to either his lefthandedness or balance/coordination.

Graphista · 13/10/2021 23:12

You haven't failed him you're encouraging him you just maybe need to get further support if he does have a disability and maybe tips from other left Handers on that aspect I'm sure there will be loads of tips online

Even aside from possible disability and the left handed aspect I think it's still good to teach kids to be persistent to keep at it to learn a skill/piece of knowledge.

Indeed kids with other challenges may need this trait more than others!

My dd has a disability that affects her co-ordination and balance and so makes her more accident prone generally, this made things like learning to ride a bike, swim, roller skate etc harder...and more risky...than it was for others, we actually didn't know the dx until she was almost 12 I just knew she was more accident prone.

But we together took appropriate precautions (tons of padding some of which was created by us when it couldn't be bought! The bum pad for the skating was a particular source of hilarity!) and spent a lot of time practicing and persevering and I do think encouraging that aspect of her personality has stood her in good stead.

When we did get the dx I felt guilty initially for pushing her so hard! But when we spoke to the experts turns out we did things more or less as they'd have advised

I get it's hard, and frustrating and even scary!

But long term I think it is for their own good.

Learnthroughplay3 · 13/10/2021 23:32

Can I ask anyone who has any experience with dyspraxia can you have this but be good at football basketball throwing catching? We have been told they believe my child has this from a guides leader but they are really good at these sports

Twilight7777 · 13/10/2021 23:36

Sounds like me, have had dyspraxia all my life but only became aware of it being a condition and not just ‘me’ as I got older

JesusWeptLady · 13/10/2021 23:37

@ohdeerdolly I had the same with my son and also blamed myself. He is now 15 and has no trouble tying his laces but could not do it for the longest time (or ride a bike) he still cannot use a skipping rope correctly.

And he inherited these traits from me. It is a mild case of dyspraxia or dyscalculia - which affects sense of direction / following dance moves / being good at mathematics (again, all traits he got from me, his non-diagnosed mum).

Try not to beat yourself up. He's not the only one in his class, so that's something. Have you thought about getting one of those "tie your laces" practice boards?

Cryalot2 · 13/10/2021 23:37

Like others dyspraxia jumped out at me. The memories of ds and his shoes! He is an adult now and wears lace shoes at weekends.
It is frustrating for you both .
Try get an assessment to see if this is indeed so .

FloofersGonnaFloof · 13/10/2021 23:45

My daughter is 12 and learned how to tie shoelaces just in time to go on to secondary school! I found a great cheat, where you stick the aglets (hard bit at the end of the lace) in to the top shoelace hole on the same side. This creates two loops. Then it's easy to do a simple knot to tie them up.

She can't ride a bike either. Tried and failed a few times when she was 6/7/8 and has point blank refused to try again ever since. She doesn't care 🤷‍♀️.

Neither of these issues were dyspraxia related for her; more that I hadn't spent the time to teach her/pushed her to try them. I wondered if I'd failed her too, but then she just 'got' it when I showed the the shoelace technique. I have given up bikes as a lost cause though...

Just found a link to the shoe lace trick:

Theonewiththecandles · 13/10/2021 23:48

As a left handed child of right handed parents, I still can't tie my shoes in the "normal" way and I'm 27!
I do the two bunny loops and tie them together.
I'm also not very good at riding a bike, I can't really turn corners very well and learnt quite late on.
I also used to cry on my driving lessons I found it so difficult and stressful!
It's never held me back, see if he can pick up the bunny ears method because I only ever heard of that watching the film Big Daddy and never actually saw it in practice and was able to do it straight away.
Riding a bike.. not a deal breaker, if he isn't interested now he probably won't be but I know some charities etc do lessons which might be good?

PermanentTemporary · 14/10/2021 04:46

No you haven't failed your son and you don't have to bash him harder to prove yourself as a parent.

Do you think the YouTube video will help? Sounds like the simplest place to start.

WTF475878237NC · 14/10/2021 05:00

Ah bless him that must be frustrating if he wants to and can't.

UncomfortableSilence · 14/10/2021 05:08

No you haven't failed him. It's just a couple of things, all kids develop and learn these skills at different times.

DD11, also left handed, has only recently managed to tie her laces, before that she got by just with the bunny method. Riding her bike was a long slog, she can do it now but still not confidently. She has no other problems with movement or co ordination and doesn't tick any of the other signs of dyspraxia.

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