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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To cancel therapist

37 replies

CeceJoyce · 13/10/2021 18:05

My dd had an introductory session with a therapist on Saturday. She was warm and friendly and seems to understand my daughters issue well but has a very heavy accent. At times I couldn’t understand what she was saying and my dd is so shy that she is unlikely to ask her to repeat things.
She asked my dd in the session (after I’d left the room) if she’d like to carry on therapy and my daughter said yes. I wasn’t happy she asked her in the session as I don’t suppose many teens would feel comfortable saying ‘no I don’t want to continue’. Anyway I thanked her for her time and said that i would speak to dd at home and let her know. Dd said she really liked her and didn’t think the accent would be an issue. But today my dd is worried and admitted that several times she didn’t know what the therapist was saying. I told her she can’t really have therapy if she doesn’t understand what the therapist is saying to her.
How can I contact the therapist to now say we don’t want the sessions without offending her? Do I make up an excuse of some kind? I’ve already said yes via e-nail. Is it unreasonable to say my dd has changed her mind? You’re supposed to give 24 hours notice to cancel an appointment but she actually needs to go for a covid test tonight and I couldn’t guarantee the results will come through before the appointment tomorrow.

OP posts:

Craftycorvid · 13/10/2021 18:10

It would be polite to let the therapist know that your reservations are about understanding her rather than with her practice. I’m sure any good therapist would encourage your daughter to ask if something is not clear due to her accent or another reason.

Original poster

CeceJoyce · 13/10/2021 18:17

@Craftycorvid dh thinks honesty is best but I didn’t want to offend her and I’m worried she’ll try and encourage dd to give it a go. She was such a lovely woman but I had to ask her to repeat things a few times and I was only in there 20 minutes. I’ve had therapy and you really do need it to flow. If my dd can’t understand a lot of what she’s saying I feel a lot of time would be wasted while she asks her to repeat things. I had reservations after the intro session but I think dd really wants therapy to start soon that she said yes.

OP posts:

FrancescaContini · 13/10/2021 18:21

Clarity of language is really important in this situation so in your position I would definitely change therapist. Tell her your daughter has changed her mind.

I don’t think it was fair or professional of her to put your DD on the spot in this way.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/10/2021 18:21

If she likes the therapist I'd start by talking about the difficulty rather than avoiding the sessions - this is quite a small hurdle really. There are lots of ways to support her understanding.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/10/2021 18:21

But if you're certain then you can just email and say you've decided not to go ahead at present.

Craftycorvid · 13/10/2021 18:22

If she’s ethical, she’ll respect your decision for whatever reason you make it.

Original poster

CeceJoyce · 13/10/2021 18:25

@Craftycorvid yes she was really lovely I’m sure she’ll be fine. I myself have a strong accent and I find it embarrassing when asked to repeat myself… that’s probably just me!

@Stompythedinosaur it was quite difficult a couple of times I thought she wasn’t speaking English as I had literally no clue what she’s just said… I think as my dd is shy she may just find it too awkward to keep asking to repeat the question. It will be cbt too so if she can’t understand what she’s being told to do then I think it won’t work..

OP posts:

pjani · 13/10/2021 18:29

The key part of therapy is the therapeutic alliance, the relationship your DD has with the therapist. Why are you over-riding her choice here?

I think it would be more supportive to suggest having a few sessions and seeing how it goes.

You never know, your DD might find it hard but not as hard as you to understand. (My hearing isn’t as good as it is when I was young… and I’m not that old). In which case you are dropping a potentially very good therapist because of your hearing/familiarity with accents not hers.

YABU and not listening to your daughter at a time, presumably, when she needs to be heard.

Original poster

CeceJoyce · 13/10/2021 18:30

@FrancescaContini
Yes I agree it’s such a big thing doing therapy and telling someone your thoughts and feelings but then not understanding what they say back to you is hard.

OP posts:

Original poster

CeceJoyce · 13/10/2021 18:33

@pjani
I’m 40 my hearing is spot on the volume wasn't the issue. If you re read my post you’ll see I left it up to my daughter. She said yes. Then today has now told me she’s thinks it’s going to be too hard to understand. That is how I felt originally but I left the decision as hers. I have not overridden what she wants I’ve listened to her.

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SunshineCake1 · 13/10/2021 18:35

Therapy is difficult enough if you are an adult and want to be there so I think if your dd is having trouble understanding the accent it is a no go. I think be honest in the email. She can't be surprised if she doesn't have the same accent as you.

FrancescaContini · 13/10/2021 18:35

[quote CeceJoyce]@FrancescaContini
Yes I agree it’s such a big thing doing therapy and telling someone your thoughts and feelings but then not understanding what they say back to you is hard.[/quote]
Yes exactly! That’s why I would change therapist. You don’t owe the therapist anything.

If your daughter doesn’t understand everything the therapist says, then your daughter will probably end up modifying her language in order to make sure everything is clear to her. This is not the point of therapy - being very clear and precise with language. Your daughter needs to be able to feel comfortable enough to speak freely and to understand everything that’s said back to her.

Misty9 · 13/10/2021 18:37

I'd give it another go, but let the therapist know your daughter's reservations. You often get used to an accent and can understand more easily the more you hear it. Also, therapists are hard to find in my region, let alone good ones.

TheAverageUser · 13/10/2021 18:37

It sounds a bit from your post that it was your concern and then DD picked up on that. If they get on and have a rapport I wouldn't cancel it because it's the start of a good relationship, she'll get used to the accent and she can always ask her to repeat of needed.

Original poster

CeceJoyce · 13/10/2021 18:43

@Misty9 it’s hard to describe but it’s not just her scent it’s the way she says certain words.. it’s £100 a session snd I just think maybe it’s too big a chance to talk. She also requires 2 weeks notice

OP posts:

Mynameismargot · 13/10/2021 18:47

@TheAverageUser

I agree with this. It sounds more like you didn't like her/wouldn't feel comfortable with her and your dd picked up on that. It's amazing how quickly you can tune into someone's accent and they become understandable.

MatildaIThink · 13/10/2021 18:50

I've got to ask what the accent was that made her so unintelligible, was it a regional accent, or international?

BertramLacey · 13/10/2021 18:51

I’m 40 my hearing is spot on the volume wasn't the issue

With changes in hearing it isn't necessarily volume. Certain frequencies become more difficult as you get older, which will change what you can hear. Plus any accent will get easier with time. I sometimes do freelance transcription work and any accent becomes easier as you work with it. It sounds like the therapist also speaks non-standard English. Once you adapt and work out speech patterns and grammar it's quite easy. Your daughter, being younger, may find she can pick up the differences more quickly.

I would try one more session and see how they get on. Other things are much more difficult when trying to find a good therapist. Accent is a small hurdle that can be overcome with little effort and to great benefit.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 13/10/2021 19:04

If your Dd has said she cannot understand what the therapist is saying then you need to tell the therapist that. And that your DD was too shy and embarrassed to say when she was asked directly in the spot.

I don't think a good therapist would charge for unused therapy sessions in this instance as she must know that her communication is difficult for some to understand, especially a child . I doubt it is the first time she will have faced this.

As it is a private therapist , I would change and look for someone your daughter can develop a therapeutic relationship with

ShaneTheThird · 13/10/2021 19:05

I wasn’t happy she asked her in the session

Dd said she really liked her and didn’t think the accent would be an issue. But today my dd is worried

So dd has picked up on the fact you dislike the therapist based on her accent and now doesn't want to see her after previously saying on more than one occasion that she liked her and did want to see her again.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 13/10/2021 19:06

I don't think you can cancel with short notice of less than 24 hours though

So - given you are paying the bill- you CAN cancel future ones after the one she is about to have and explain why - your daughter can't form a legal paying contact with her so it's not up to your daughter to make arrangements with the therapist

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 13/10/2021 19:08

So dd has picked up on the fact you dislike the therapist based on her accent and now doesn't want to see her

I disagree. Therapists are fully aware that children may say yes to something due to power dynamics , that they later admit they didn't feel they could articulate why they wanted to say no to. It's very likely that the gentle questioning by OP helped her Dd to admit she wasn't following it nor comfortable

Misty9 · 13/10/2021 19:25

I would agree that it sounds like your dd has picked up on your hesitancy. My boss is heavily accented (non European) and I've got used to it. We do something not dissimilar to the process of therapy and it doesn't cause a problem as I've tuned into how she speaks.

If your next scheduled session is in the next 48hrs I would keep it as you'll be charged either way. See how dd gets on.

Original poster

CeceJoyce · 13/10/2021 19:35

Right so just to be clear. We sat in the session together for 20 minutes. Then my dd had around 30 minutes on her own. The therapist shouldn’t have asked her if she wanted to continue in the session as it’s very hard to say no. So I said we’d chat when we got home. When we left I asked her how was it? I did not say anything negative about her accent. She said she’s nice, I said do you want to carry on. My daughter said yes. The only reason I mentioned her accent at all was because when I was in the room my daughter looked to me twice to tell her what the therapist had just said (I asked her to repeat the question).
My daughter then came to my today and admitted she found it hard to understand her, I asked why she didn’t tell me she felt that way sooner or why she said yes and she said she worried we wouldn’t find another therapist.
I actually thought the therapist was lovely, a really nice woman which I shared with dd. But therapy is a big deal. I think communication is vital.

We’ve just been for a pcr test this evening as she has symptomatic so I’m not sure we’d get the results before the appt so I’d have to cancel anyway. I can prove it if they need it.

Also it’s not like I don’t like the therapist because she has an accent or had some kind of negative reaction to her accent. But if you pay £100 for 50 minutes and it doesn’t flow as you keep stopping to ask what she said then it’s going to possibly be wasted time.
Thank you all for your replies.

OP posts:

Original poster

CeceJoyce · 13/10/2021 19:37

@WhereIsMumHiding3
Thank you, I’m never pushy with my children. I guide and encourage as best I can so I can’t imagine why people here think I’ve just ignored my dvds wishes. Forced my opinion on her and said ‘dd don’t go to her she has an accent’ !!!

OP posts:

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