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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect information on NRP contact time?

29 replies

Missingmybabies · 13/10/2021 08:19

Was with STBXH for over 10 years. Acrimonious split last year early in pregnancy with DC2. dd is now 10 months old and going for longer contact periods with dad.

Dad does not spend time in my home with her. No overnights as yet. We share an older child also.

She had recently been going for longer periods, 6 hours, 8 hours and I hear nothing all day about her. Very, very limited information at drop off when I ask, eg when she last had a bottle. Unpleasant interactions all round.

I'm hugely, hugely uncomfortable about the silence when she is gone. I have no idea where or when she sleeps, what she eats (has some intolerances) what she does other than what my older child tells me. I do not want to have to rely on my older child relating information, it is not fair on them.

Baby come home yesterday after one of these longer visits. She screamed all night in pain, trapped wind, being sick, generally miserable. I ask her dad what she's eaten and it's like pulling teeth and the insinuation I'm being entirely unreasonable in asking. He actually didn't even take the day off work, instead worked from home and had his parents watch them both at his top floor flat, despite Me being off work this week. They took the eldest for a short walk, but not the youngest.

Some mild concerns exist regarding care of older child, nothing too worrying, but things like way too much screen time, age inappropriate content, diet and being left to it while dad works, missing school and extra curricular activities.

No.photos or updates of either child when not in my care, nothing. Just 8 hours of deafening silence. When she is at childcare, I get updates, photos, know what she's eaten, nappies etc.

AIBU to ask for these?

OP posts:
Thingsthatgo · 13/10/2021 08:28

I think yabu, unless your ex asks you to update him regularly throughout the day also. I know it’s difficult, but you are going to have to trust him to parent. (Unless you suspect neglect or abuse.)

Dishwashersaurous · 13/10/2021 08:28

I know it's difficult but you have to accept that he is also a parent. Yes it would be good if you could co parent in an amicable way and share information.

But you have no right at all to know what is happening in his time. And vice versa

MrsRobbieHart · 13/10/2021 08:33

No.photos or updates of either child when not in my care, nothing. Just 8 hours of deafening silence. When she is at childcare, I get updates, photos, know what she's eaten, nappies etc.

The two aren’t the same thing. She isn’t at childcare, she is at her dads. The reason you get photos from the nursery is because they are keeping the parent up to date, when she is with her dad, the parent (him) is already up to date.

YABU to expect to have photos, updates whilst she is at her dads. But not UR to expect to know when she last slept and ate when he brings her home. That is information you need to know.

Also wrt your older child watching inappropriate content and missing school- you need to act on this. You can’t let that slide. Speak to the school and I would also contact NSPCC for advice.

Original poster
Missingmybabies · 13/10/2021 08:34

I know I have no right. I send him photos regularly, facilitate phone calls.

I didn't expect this when it was just the older one. She is just so very, very young.

OP posts:
Original poster
Missingmybabies · 13/10/2021 08:46

I'm dealing with the issues with my son, I have legal representation and most likely court proceedings regarding contact agreements in the near future.

As he has never lived with her, i do see him as akin to childcare. He makes very little effort with her really. My son can come home with new toys etc and nothing for her. He visited only briefly in the early days. Is not flexible with her needs. Complained she slept too much when he visited. Is abusive to me regularly. He's never as much as taken her to the park, doesn't do anything with them beyond visiting his mum and dad's house.

He wasn't brilliant with our eldest as a baby, would tell me to leave him to cry during sleep regression etc. This is all colouring my view. He wouldn't deliberately harm them and does love them. We parent very differently, hence the breakdown of the relationship.

I know legally I have no right. But morally, it just feels wrong. Its the worst feeling.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/10/2021 10:12

Going against the grain. The person who does the majority of care, and all overnights, with a baby does have the right to know what’s gone on with the baby during the day. The baby can’t talk to you for one thing!

KylieKoKo · 13/10/2021 10:17

I understand why you feel this and I think that having a dialogue between parents is essential for a good co-parenting relationship. However, a balance needs to be struck. It isn't reasonable to expect an update everytime the baby has her nappy changed and photos all day as if she is at childcare and I think that pushing for this is probably making him less likely to co-operate.

I think the real issue is the fact he is abusive to you and he is using silence as a form of control.

kegel · 13/10/2021 10:21

Is he pushing for contact or is he taking the baby just because he has the eldest child?

notanothertakeaway · 13/10/2021 10:23

If you have serious & genuine concerns for her welfare, you could report these to social work and allow them to investigate as they see fit

Otherwise, I think you just have to trust him to get on with it, and accept that people parent differently. It's natural to feel protective of children, particularly a baby, but you can't micro manage him

And, if it was the other way round, and he was demanding hourly updates, wanting to know when nappies were changed etc, I think people would say that was controlling behaviour

GunsNShips · 13/10/2021 10:24

I was all ready to say YABU but actually with a baby that young, the bare essentials are important. You need to pick your battles though. What is really important and what is just nice to know?

Nap times - yes
If she has wet nappies - yes
When they last ate - yes.

Photos/activities etc. - no

GunsNShips · 13/10/2021 10:25

Oh and these are all things I would expect you to tell him when he collects her.

Viviennemary · 13/10/2021 10:34

It was wrong of him not to be more upfront when your DD appeared to be ill. But as for updates while DCs are with him then why would he. He is also the parent and not a childcare provider. I don't think childminders do daily updating unless there's a problem.

TurnUpTurnip · 13/10/2021 10:36

YABU

LittleOwl153 · 13/10/2021 10:37

I think until such time as your dd can properly communicate he should be telling you when he drops them back to you when she last slept/ate/had nappy changed.

I don't think he needs to be sending you pics and updates during an 8 hour period. You will get used to having this time child free. You need to find something to do to fill it!

In terms of her food intolerance I would send a very clear message as to what she is not supposed to have- preferably send a copy of any doctors letter/report with these details in a recorded way - by email/WhatsApp message etc. And I would be recording when she comes back from him and then had problems overnight. This can then go back to the solicitor you are using to set up a proper arrangement. You may even find he doesn't want to see the baby until she is a bit older...

TurnUpTurnip · 13/10/2021 10:39

As for photo updates 🙄 really?

BurntO · 13/10/2021 10:39

He is a parent weather you like that or not. It doesn’t matter if you view him as “childcare”. My own family do childcare for me and I still wouldn’t ask any of this from them although YANBU to expect a comment or two on any runny nappies or when she last had milk.

It doesn’t seem like you have genuine concern for her welfare, you are just struggling with the lack of communication and control but he doesn’t owe you what you are asking.

Reallyimeanreally2022 · 13/10/2021 10:42

I feel for you op

Have you considered plastering on a fake smile and being really nice to ex. Sickeningly so.
Making out she’s really happy when returned to you and would love to know more about routine so you can learn?

Basically, play him

Bancha · 13/10/2021 10:50

I disagree with the majority of posters here. I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect to know when your baby last had a bottle and when she slept. This seems like the absolute bare minimum when it comes to coparenting.

Findahouse21 · 13/10/2021 10:54

There are a few Co parenting apps that could help - it would mean that you would need to both provide a simillar level of communication to each other, but also reduces the need for a back and forth between you which could be positive.

Coffeey · 13/10/2021 10:56

@GunsNShips

I was all ready to say YABU but actually with a baby that young, the bare essentials are important. You need to pick your battles though. What is really important and what is just nice to know?

Nap times - yes
If she has wet nappies - yes
When they last ate - yes.

Photos/activities etc. - no

I agree with this.

Could you make some "handover forms" like they have at some nurseries that just has boxes for him to fill in re time of last bottle/food?

If you suggest it as a way of helping her so you know what's wrong if she's upset? He wouldn't have to talk to you and you could fill one in for him too.

Coffeey · 13/10/2021 10:57

@Findahouse21 good ideaa

Coffeey · 13/10/2021 10:58

@Missingmybabies

I know I have no right. I send him photos regularly, facilitate phone calls.

I didn't expect this when it was just the older one. She is just so very, very young.

Stop sending him photos if he's not doing it back.
MrsRobbieHart · 13/10/2021 11:02

would love to know more about routine so you can learn?

Basically, play him

🙄

RedMarauder · 13/10/2021 11:15

@Reallyimeanreally2022

I feel for you op

Have you considered plastering on a fake smile and being really nice to ex. Sickeningly so.
Making out she’s really happy when returned to you and would love to know more about routine so you can learn?

Basically, play him

This is the most likely way to get information out of him.

If you try to use apps and forms he may simply refuse to co-operate as it means you are keeping a written record.

However if you are sickly sweet and ask him verbally he is more likely to give you some information. Also tell him verbally when she has had a bottle and how much sleep she has had.

Just make sure you never ever make any negative comments about what he has told you.

vivainsomnia · 13/10/2021 12:41

You sound, rightly or not, quite critical of him. He is most likely withholding information from you because he expects you to criticize him whatever he tells you and doesn't want arguments.