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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me please SOS

46 replies

Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 18:51

My DD has been having a little drama since starting year 7 she's 11 - I obviously only know her side of the story's 🤷🏽‍♀️ well anyway i took her phone away and read some messages and in one group chat I've come across another kid saying something along the lines of "wait did you say x has had sex* the reply was "yes" (X is my DD)

When i confronted my DD about it she said it's a rumour that happened from one of the girls in primary school? (Wtf)
Then I messaged one of the people that had said this (as my daughter - yes bad, her privacy etc but not when it involves this)
She messaged me back saying yeah from what you told us on lunch yesterday. So now I'm raging... Asked my daughter numerous times wtf all this is about and she's not answering or changing the subject after more attempts of the truth she said she had told her that because she was bored! Am absolutely beside myself! Why would anyone in their right mind make something up like that about themselves?????

I can't even fix this the whole group chat see this. There's 60 odd kids in this group ffs. Plus the school once it all erupts you know what Chinese whispers are like....
I haven't really got an aibu because I know I'm not but I just want to dig a hole for myself and my DD!!

OP posts:
Underamour · 12/10/2021 19:00

Well it’s done now so go into damage limitation mode. The good news is your daughter is going to learn never to make the same mistake again. The vest thing she can do is say “omg did u actually believe that. Gullible! Do u believe everything people tell u?” and laugh it off. They will be onto the next drama in a week.

For you OP I would stop
The shouting and calm down. Explain that you love her and don’t want to see her hurt. I would maybe take her phone until she shows some remorse. But, they are kids and kids say silly things. Cut her some slack.

FleasInMyKnees · 12/10/2021 19:01

It's a bit confusing. Are you saying your 11yo dd has been telling her friends she has had sex because she is bored.

dorris88 · 12/10/2021 19:03

Your daughter 100% won't tell you when she really does have sex now which is shit 🥴

PotteringAlong · 12/10/2021 19:06

You’re pretending to be an 11 year old girl on a WhatsApp chat?!

Stop that. Now. And take WhatsApp off your daughters phone.

moonshine3600 · 12/10/2021 19:07

There's a lot going on in your op.
Basically your DD is telling people she's had sex before?

Take the phone off her, stop the shouting.
The shouting and screaming isn't going to do any good at all, now or the future.
Take it off her. Calm down, talk in afew days

RudestLittleMadam · 12/10/2021 19:09

As others have said: be careful how you react to stuff like this because otherwise your child will be less likely to come to you with bigger problems she may face later on.

I agree with the damage limitation- her fronting it out, saying she was joking when she said that. Hopefully they will realise that and move on. Hopefully your daughter has figured out it’s not the best idea to tell lies like this because they can be damaging.

lynntheyresexpeople · 12/10/2021 19:11

Firstly, make sure she hasn't had sex. It could be a deeper rooted issue rather than a bare faced lie.
Secondly, sit calmly to talk about it. If you go off on one, she absolutely won't talk to you about anything like this again.

thefourgp · 12/10/2021 19:14

Maybe you could sit together and write a list of what the positive and negative consequences of her telling lies might be so she seriously thinks about it. E.g. her friend has a temporary interest in what she has to say, other friends won’t trust her, strangers will be told lies about her, people she wants to be friends with at high school may avoid her because they’ve heard others talking about her lies etc.

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 12/10/2021 19:16

And when you’ve calmed down enough to think straight, please contact the school through official channels. Her teachers need to know.

FreeBritnee · 12/10/2021 19:21

@PotteringAlong

You’re pretending to be an 11 year old girl on a WhatsApp chat?!

Stop that. Now. And take WhatsApp off your daughters phone.

Or alternatively don’t let random internet strangers demand you do anything 🙄
Original poster
Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 19:41

I understand how I've reacted isn't good at all. Damage has been done really. In respect both of us have messed up.
I'm not a "perfect mumsnetter mum" i do shout at my child she isn't abused, she has the best life ( i thought ) why would she make up such silly lies! I can't see it being true she prob thought it was cool as apparently another kid there said they have done things... But hey who am i to believe all that comes from her mouth is lies lately little or big. I can't trust her. That's awful to feel bout your own child isnt it?

OP posts:
chalamet · 12/10/2021 19:49

Presuming she hasn’t actually had sex - and you’re not likely to be told when she does at this rate. Surely it’s just a stern word not to make stuff like this up because she won’t like the consequences (rumours etc) and that it’s not something to be joked about at her age. Messaging the group pretending to be her seems like an overreaction.

If you think there’s any truth in it it’s far more concerning.

Original poster
Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 19:49

That was my point in this whole thread, thank you so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 19:51

She won't tell me now, i feel I've fucked up so much

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 19:52

I'm horrified at the bullying she will go through. She isn't exactly liked by most at this point in time for other numerous incidents with her.

OP posts:
Coulddowithanap · 12/10/2021 19:53

I'd speak to her and say that if it's not true then it's not the kind of thing you should make up.

Also i'd speak to school about the messages on WhatsApp.

Motnight · 12/10/2021 19:56

Op I think that you need to speak to the school here. My concern would be that your dd may indeed have had sex

RunningFromInsanity · 12/10/2021 20:01

I would speak to her again say you’re sorry you were angry before, you’ve calmed down now but you just need to understand a few things.
Ask her if she has had sex then you do need to know just so that you can make sure she isn’t pregnant and that once this is sorted you promise you won’t mention it again.

If she still insists that she was making it up then you just impress upon her that rumours can spiral and get people into trouble and that she must not do it again.

toomuchlaundry · 12/10/2021 20:04

I too would speak to school.

What other incidents have there been?

Loudestcat14 · 12/10/2021 20:05

Firstly, step away from the WA. You're a grown woman impersonating an 11-year-old, which is really dodgy and if any of the kids' parents found out they would be rightly furious. Secondly, calm down! This might seem like a really huge drama that needs resolving but give yourself a bit of breathing space before you talk to your DD again. Then, when you do, apologise for your over-the-top reaction and tell her it was because you were so shocked by what they were saying about her having sex, because she's only 11 and obviously that would be deeply, deeply wrong. Then ask her to explain how the conversation began – by that I mean don't ask her if she's been telling people she's had sex, just ask her what prompted the chat. Then, hopefully, she might open up a bit and you can make it clear that making up stories about such a serious subject can really backfire on her. But make it clear you're really, really sorry for the way you reacted and you won't pretend to be her on her phone again. Then she might trust you again.

Flowersintheattic2021 · 12/10/2021 20:09

So calm down. Has your dd been groomed and had sex (raped) 🤔. I'd email year 7 child protection and pastoral care.

MatildaTheCat · 12/10/2021 20:16

Talk to the school and ask for some extra support. Does she have form for making things up?

PotteringAlong · 12/10/2021 20:39

@FreeBritnee you’re right. She can completely ignore the advice. I’m a random on the internet as you rightly say. She’s free to disregard it.

But you have to admit that a grown woman pretending to be an 11 year old girl is dodgy ground. So it’s seems like someone telling the OP she needs to stop that behaviour is a valid point.

toocold54 · 12/10/2021 20:51

Honestly lots of children make up silly things!
She might have said it as a joke whilst they were learning about sex and then couldn’t take it back.

I would say 80% of young people lie about how many boyfriends/girlfriends they have and what they’ve done etc.
I’m quite surprised as your DD seems extremely young but that might explain why the lie is so silly as she didn’t fully understand it.

I would try and calm down and speak to her to make sure that it definitely hasn’t happened. You could check she knows what it is (she could think sex is kissing or something!).

nimbuscloud · 12/10/2021 20:55

Let the school know.