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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me please SOS

46 replies

Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 18:51

My DD has been having a little drama since starting year 7 she's 11 - I obviously only know her side of the story's 🤷🏽‍♀️ well anyway i took her phone away and read some messages and in one group chat I've come across another kid saying something along the lines of "wait did you say x has had sex* the reply was "yes" (X is my DD)

When i confronted my DD about it she said it's a rumour that happened from one of the girls in primary school? (Wtf)
Then I messaged one of the people that had said this (as my daughter - yes bad, her privacy etc but not when it involves this)
She messaged me back saying yeah from what you told us on lunch yesterday. So now I'm raging... Asked my daughter numerous times wtf all this is about and she's not answering or changing the subject after more attempts of the truth she said she had told her that because she was bored! Am absolutely beside myself! Why would anyone in their right mind make something up like that about themselves?????

I can't even fix this the whole group chat see this. There's 60 odd kids in this group ffs. Plus the school once it all erupts you know what Chinese whispers are like....
I haven't really got an aibu because I know I'm not but I just want to dig a hole for myself and my DD!!

OP posts:

Neonplant · 12/10/2021 21:03

Kids make up stuff all the time. Sometimes they don't realise how serious it is. I feel like you are reacting massively over the top. You're acting like your 11 year old actually did have sex.

Yayayaya20 · 12/10/2021 21:12

Almost this exact scenario happened to me as a teen. Please just don’t fly off the handle at her. If she is sexually active it’s not something to punish. You need to get to the bottom of why and just find out what’s going on with her. Don’t punish her.

Firsttimecatlady · 12/10/2021 21:20

@Loudestcat14

Firstly, step away from the WA. You're a grown woman impersonating an 11-year-old, which is really dodgy and if any of the kids' parents found out they would be rightly furious. Secondly, calm down! This might seem like a really huge drama that needs resolving but give yourself a bit of breathing space before you talk to your DD again. Then, when you do, apologise for your over-the-top reaction and tell her it was because you were so shocked by what they were saying about her having sex, because she's only 11 and obviously that would be deeply, deeply wrong. Then ask her to explain how the conversation began – by that I mean don't ask her if she's been telling people she's had sex, just ask her what prompted the chat. Then, hopefully, she might open up a bit and you can make it clear that making up stories about such a serious subject can really backfire on her. But make it clear you're really, really sorry for the way you reacted and you won't pretend to be her on her phone again. Then she might trust you again.

This is all excellent advice. OP- she may have said it in an attempt to become more popular / win friends (you mention she’s not too well liked at the moment, which will possibly be absolutely devastating for her, just a few weeks into a new school). In the way that only 11yr olds can, she’s tried to ‘fix’ it and make herself more popular, saying something she thinks will make her look cool - and it’s failed disastrously. She’ll already be mortified. Get on her side. Help her through this, and the wider issues. Be the one person she can come to, trust and who she knows is on her side.

Original poster

Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 21:22

No I don't think I'm over reacting feeling this way I'm not a robot with no emotions. We've spoke - she hasn't had sex it was apparently said because the other person sai they have had sex to. I have explained to her the repercussions. All I get from her is one word answers yes, no, dunno... i asked why she said it and she said she doesn't know... was it to make you look cool? No...
What I'm more upset about is how far it'll go, rumour wise. Will it affect her mentally ? Will she bullied? Will she get depressed? Will she self harm etc etc etc you may think I'm over reacting but all this is going through my mind of what could happen

And regarding the WhatsApp all i said is "what, when?" Didn't actually have full blown conversation with the girl.

OP posts:

Incredibad · 12/10/2021 21:27

What are the other incidents with her making her disliked by her peers you mentioned up thread? Sounds like there may be a deeper issue going on

icedcoffees · 12/10/2021 21:33

@Neonplant

Kids make up stuff all the time. Sometimes they don't realise how serious it is. I feel like you are reacting massively over the top. You're acting like your 11 year old actually did have sex.

She may well have done - it's not unheard of.

Myadhdusername · 12/10/2021 21:33

I’d be inclined to think it happened op

TaraR2020 · 12/10/2021 21:40

I think you need to chat to the school and her head of year, they can keep an eye on things and hopefully chat to her themselves. A new approach from someone else might enable her to open up a bit more.

I have to say from your initial post I thought she was spreading a rumour about someone else, not that it's any better of course. I agree you need to tread carefully to see if she's been exposed to things she shouldn't have been/experienced sexual activity and school safeguarding should be alerted.

I'd certainly be reviewing and monitoring her Internet use and social media going forward, if you're not already doing so.

Original poster

Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 22:07

Previous incidents are just arguing with other girls but like i said before I only hear her side of the story and idk whether to believe her or not one ex is today earlier she told me that another girl had spread this rumour about her in year six and carried it on to her new school when in fact she lied and told me in the end that she had said it herself. It is mainly arguing with other girls in the school mainly yr 7 but one of the girls was her sister in 6th form which I phoned the school about but now I question whether this happened or not as she lies. 😔

OP posts:

suspiria777 · 12/10/2021 22:16

Chinese whispers is a rafist phrase by the way.

suspiria777 · 12/10/2021 22:17

Racist

missymayhemsmum · 12/10/2021 22:37

You should apologise to your dd for going OTT. Explain its because you were shocked.
Have you asked who her friends think she has had sex with? Or whether the friend who said she had sex was having sex with?
It is possible they are little girls telling stories to shock
It is also possible that either your dd or her friend is being groomed/abused.
Absolutely alert the school safeguarding team.
And 60 11 year old kids on a whatsapp chat is a bullying platform. Are the school aware of these group chats?

LowlyTheWorm · 12/10/2021 22:49

I have a 12 year old and can say I’m quite shocked an 11 year old said such things and on a group chat it would be even seen as something to discuss.
It’s very worrying and the school should know what kind of chat is happening outside of school and parents should be advised to speak to their kids and get them off that chat.
What else has been going on with your DD? It all sounds very worrying to me- I’d there a chance there has been abuse or exposure to sexual content elsewhere?

Notdoingthis · 12/10/2021 22:53

Just stay out of it. Leave the 11 year olds to be 11.

Original poster

Wheredidigowrongg · 12/10/2021 23:10

I did apologise numerous times, I explained why I was so angry/upset and said in future i will try my best to remain calm but she needs to stop lying to me and be honest and respectful.. She runs off saying i never believe her in other instances but this is the reason why because of her previous lies. Even little ones like to for tat with a cousin " did you do this?" " No i swear please mum why don't you believe me" even cries innocence and then in the end she admits the truth and says she didn't want telling off? But now I'm even more cross because ya lied to me in the first place and put on all that drama to lie?!

You'd be surprised what these girls talk about! I exaggerated a little it's 38 in the group chat. But still enough, i agree with the bullying platform. And just to clarify my DD had said this in school on lunch to a few girls and one girl overheard and wrote it in the group chat that night. my DD doesn't actually write in the group as she said when she does no one answers her so she doesn't bother with it. But to have all them people talking about her pains me.

And no there's no chance of abuse or anything like that. We also spoke about that tonight and i asked if anyone has ever tried anything like that and shs keeps saying no, i remained calm and said cause if it's true we will have to go talk with the Dr etc and she's like mum I haven't had sex!!! The boy she said she had sex with is my friend's son, the kids are friends they were "bf-gf" in primary school

I hope all this is making sense

OP posts:

thefourgp · 12/10/2021 23:27

She sounds like a very unhappy girl. I have an 11 year old and he’s not allowed on social media because I believe it’s toxic for kids mental health. If no-one replies to her when she posts then you need to take WhatsApp off her phone and encourage her to spend more time with friends and at hobbies in real life. She may not be happy about it but it’ll be in her best interest.

bluegreygreen · 13/10/2021 01:04

Is there not a lower age limit for WhatsApp that is older than 11?

RedHelenB · 13/10/2021 06:22

School's may be able to help regarding her social skills, may be worth chatting to her head of year.

Oldtiredfedup · 13/10/2021 06:35

You css add by trust her???

What about her trusting you - to not judge her, to not fly off the handle, to listen to her and support her, to not make things worse by pretending to be her?

OP - you’re massively fucking this up.

When I was being bullied in school one of the things that they decided to throw at jd was that I was a lesbian (80’s) and WHRN the suggestion came up for you know what I did? I told them it was true - I was so fed up, so numbed, so sad from the years of being on the outside that I just didn’t care anymore. And my mother was furious at me. I had no one -not even my mother although she would argue differently as she complained to the school. She wasn’t there for me, emotionally. Not at all.

Don’t be my mother.

gamerchick · 13/10/2021 06:40

@thefourgp

Same here. My 14 yr old isn't allowed it either. He understands my reasoning that it's not good for immature, growing brains.

I'd be taking all SM away and hope the damage is reversible. Unlikely as it's hard to stop something once you start it.

scarpa · 13/10/2021 06:45

I was a liar as a teen, and it was almost always as a way of protecting myself - making myself liked or seem cool, stopping myself getting in trouble. I had a lot of self esteem issues and that's how it showed itself. I'd work on that - see if school can help and maybe if there are any free courses for high schoolers online, plus LOTS of judgment free conversations and affirmations and reminding her she's a worthy, interesting person without the lies and that while it's normal to be a bit anxious what other people will say or do, she doesn't need to change herself. Remind her you love her and she can always tell you the truth, no matter what.

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