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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to be involved in my birthday plans?

34 replies

HereIAm0 · 12/10/2021 10:49

My 30th birthday is a couple of months away and my family have asked me a few times what I want to do. I've always replied that I don't really know, will have a think, but I don't want a party or any big surprises.

I became aware a couple of days ago there there is a group chat happening between my Husband, Mum and a couple of friends, discussing my 30th. (I saw it pop up on his phone, I'm not supposed to know). Straight away I panicked as I was worried what they were planning/discussing. Probably daft to react that way, but I did.

Last night I started talking about my birthday with my husband and suggested a couple of places we could go. He seemed uninterested in the conversation so I kept going, until he eventually said 'Your 30th is being sorted so just leave it'. I asked what he meant and said I have already told him/others that I don't want surprises so if something is being organised I want to be involved.

He got quite annoyed by this and said he wanted to plan it but fine he'd leave it all to me, it will take the nice surprise out of it but fine carry on, and said I was miserable.

I know my friends and family are only trying to make it special, but it's not what I want. AIBU or should they understand?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 12/10/2021 10:55

YABU, and ungrateful. If they were asking you what you wanted and all you could say is “I don’t know” then it isn’t really surprising that they took matters to plan your 30th birthday - a milestone one - for you. But if you want to be involved start making plans now.

DappledThings · 12/10/2021 10:58

YANBU. If someone says they don't want a surprise then planning them a surprise is really unkind.

However if you do want to do something and then don't plan anything but also stop others planning then you can't be at all pissed off if nothing happens.

Ponoka7 · 12/10/2021 11:00

"YABU, and ungrateful. If they were asking you what you wanted and all you could say is “I don’t know” then it isn’t really surprising that they took matters to plan your 30th birthday -"

The OP doesn't want anything big, so there's no need to start planning two months ahead. When people push to organise surprises it's about them and not the recipient.
You're only 30 once, you should get to do what you want. Tell everyone that it was a nice thought but you now want to be involved. Decide what you want, being December tables might have to be booked this month etc.

Cantstopthewaves · 12/10/2021 11:01

Yanbu.
You said you weren't sure yet what you wanted to do but you did tell them you weren't up for surprises therefore if they had any ideas they should have run them past you.
A surprise party would be my idea of hell.
I'd tell them you know about the WhatsApp and ask them what's being planned before it gets out of hand.

HeddaGarbled · 12/10/2021 11:08

I have some sympathy for your H and friends here. You said you didn’t want a “big” surprise or party. So, maybe they’re planning something they know you will like.

If you wanted to organise it yourself, you should have said so when you were asked (several times).

KatherineSiena · 12/10/2021 11:14

I agree with you, I hate surprises of any sort and my family know me well enough now not to spring one on me. It’s tricky because a romantic meal for two might be a nice, acceptable surprise but a big party with a lot of people would be overwhelming for you (and me) by the sounds of it.

All too often I find people arranging surprise gatherings do so for their own benefit. They love the secrecy, the buildup and the glory and don’t actually think what the recipient really wants. I also think people who enjoy these surprises themselves can’t actually comprehend that others don’t and might want something different to them.

JumperandJacket · 12/10/2021 11:17

@KatherineSiena Dead right, especially the last para.

SoniaFouler · 12/10/2021 11:17

@Ponoka7

"YABU, and ungrateful. If they were asking you what you wanted and all you could say is “I don’t know” then it isn’t really surprising that they took matters to plan your 30th birthday -"

The OP doesn't want anything big, so there's no need to start planning two months ahead. When people push to organise surprises it's about them and not the recipient.
You're only 30 once, you should get to do what you want. Tell everyone that it was a nice thought but you now want to be involved. Decide what you want, being December tables might have to be booked this month etc.

Yes there is need to start planning two months ahead, depending on what they’re doing, not just because of these covid times but, as you point out, Christmas.
billy1966 · 12/10/2021 11:19

He doesn't sound very nice.

I am not a surprise party person either, though I have been to a few.

Most people don't like them in my experience.

Perhaps speak to your mother.

But speak up for sure.

The whole big celebration for birthdays has past me by a bit.

I like low key celebrations.

SoniaFouler · 12/10/2021 11:23

@billy1966

He doesn't sound very nice.

I am not a surprise party person either, though I have been to a few.

Most people don't like them in my experience.

Perhaps speak to your mother.

But speak up for sure.

The whole big celebration for birthdays has past me by a bit.

I like low key celebrations.

“He doesn’t sound very nice”

Only on MN could you find someone calling a husband involved in organising a party for his wife as not sounding very nice Hmm

billy1966 · 12/10/2021 11:47

"He got quite annoyed by this and said he wanted to plan it but fine he'd leave it all to me, it will take the nice surprise out of it but fine carry on, and said I was MISERABLE."

He doesn't sound very nice to be calling her MISERABLE just because she has said she doesn't want surprises.

He doesn't sound very nice to get annoyed with her for dismissing what she has said she DOESN'T want to happen on HER birthday.

Toodlydoo · 12/10/2021 11:54

I don’t know, I would have been quite happy. I ended up in fucking starbucks for my birthday. Let it go, they love you and are trying to do something nice for you. If it bothers you just put a stop to it and plan your own birthday how you like it.

Sorry probably a bit grouchy because my own was a monumental let down.

BubblinTrouble · 12/10/2021 12:12

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. You’ve said you don’t want a surprise and want to be involved in the plans. He should listen to that I think.

DecadentlyDecisive · 12/10/2021 12:20

Apathetic person who can't give any suggestions for their birthday when asked gets narky when someone else arranges something....

And narky when they don't even know what it is!!

Come back after the event & moan by all means, but at the moment - given that you have no idea what is going on - YABU

SoniaFouler · 12/10/2021 16:28

@DecadentlyDecisive

Apathetic person who can't give any suggestions for their birthday when asked gets narky when someone else arranges something....

And narky when they don't even know what it is!!

Come back after the event & moan by all means, but at the moment - given that you have no idea what is going on - YABU

Exactly, can’t believe any one is supportive of the OP, she would probably be fuming if it came to her birthday and nothing was done on it
ChimChimeny · 12/10/2021 16:32

Apathetic person who can't give any suggestions for their birthday when asked

Maybe the OP doesn't have suggestions because she doesn't want to do anything?!

But the OP has now suggested a couple of options and been told tough shit we're doing what we want now

mumofmunchkin · 12/10/2021 16:38

@ChimChimeny

Apathetic person who can't give any suggestions for their birthday when asked

Maybe the OP doesn't have suggestions because she doesn't want to do anything?!

But the OP has now suggested a couple of options and been told tough shit we're doing what we want now

This, the OP said she would have a think, not that she didn't want to do anything, but please don't plan a surprise.

Then when she comes up with some ideas she's dismissed, and it's clear they're organising a surprise. If you know someone doesn't want a surprise, the thing to do would be to say, x, y and I have come up with this fab idea for your birthday, are you happy if we go ahead and organise it?

Not everyone likes surprises. A surprise party means you don't get any of the fun anticipation, and build up, it's just thrown on you all at once.

DroopyClematis · 12/10/2021 17:00

I agree @mumofmunchkin

For my last three big birthdays I didn't want any fuss, certainly not a surprise party. My husband knew this and wouldn't have dreamed of organising one.

I never knew what I wanted to do but eventually came up with modest suggestions eg a weekend away, a fabulous restaurant etc...

The way I see it is 'my birthday, my choice.'

Planning surprise dos are , generally, for the organisers benefit. If the recipient does not want a fuss then family and friends should leave it be.

MilduraS · 12/10/2021 17:03

I hate surprise parties so I'd be annoyed. Thankfully my husband has the good sense not to plan anything. I think yours is being a dick trying to force you to enjoy something just because it's what he wants to do.

Original poster
HereIAm0 · 12/10/2021 17:07

Thanks all for your opinions.

I don’t want to be ungrateful but it does feel they’ve done the opposite of what I asked them to do.

@mumofmunchkin think you’ve hit the nail on the head, I’m supposed to be having a think about what I want to do (struggling for ideas won’t lie) and they’ve gone ahead and started discussing/planning it anyway.

OP posts:
SoniaFouler · 12/10/2021 17:09

@DroopyClematis

I agree *@mumofmunchkin*

For my last three big birthdays I didn't want any fuss, certainly not a surprise party. My husband knew this and wouldn't have dreamed of organising one.

I never knew what I wanted to do but eventually came up with modest suggestions eg a weekend away, a fabulous restaurant etc...

The way I see it is 'my birthday, my choice.'

Planning surprise dos are , generally, for the organisers benefit. If the recipient does not want a fuss then family and friends should leave it be.

Yes but if she wants even just a “fabulous restaurant” on her birthday, which is in the month of December, and also when we are moving out from a lockdown so places are not accommodating as many patrons but are more, or as still as popular than ever, AND considering it will be Christmas so places will be fully booked soon, if not already two months beforehand, then it does have to be booked and planned now.
Fraine · 12/10/2021 17:11

Just organise it yourself then. You can't have your birthday cake and eat it too!

Member984815 · 12/10/2021 17:13

I hate surprises, other people's idea of a nice surprise could be your idea of hell.

DappledThings · 12/10/2021 17:13

@Fraine

Just organise it yourself then. You can't have your birthday cake and eat it too!
She wants to! She asked for time to do so and has had the rug pulled from under her feet.
aSofaNearYou · 12/10/2021 17:14

I think it depends on how much of an established thing you not liking surprises is, and how you expressed it. The way you've written it here just sounds like a bashful, nonchalant "oh I don't need a big fuss", which tbh I don't think would be an unreasonable thing to not take that seriously. It would be different if you are the sort of person who hates surprises and they know that.

But ultimately, it does sound like they are just trying to do something nice for you. Is there a reason you don't feel you can just sit back and enjoy it?

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