AIBU to want to be involved in my birthday plans?

[HereIAm0]

My 30th birthday is a couple of months away and my family have asked me a few times what I want to do. I've always replied that I don't really know, will have a think, but I don't want a party or any big surprises.

I became aware a couple of days ago there there is a group chat happening between my Husband, Mum and a couple of friends, discussing my 30th. (I saw it pop up on his phone, I'm not supposed to know). Straight away I panicked as I was worried what they were planning/discussing. Probably daft to react that way, but I did.

Last night I started talking about my birthday with my husband and suggested a couple of places we could go. He seemed uninterested in the conversation so I kept going, until he eventually said 'Your 30th is being sorted so just leave it'. I asked what he meant and said I have already told him/others that I don't want surprises so if something is being organised I want to be involved.

He got quite annoyed by this and said he wanted to plan it but fine he'd leave it all to me, it will take the nice surprise out of it but fine carry on, and said I was miserable.

I know my friends and family are only trying to make it special, but it's not what I want. AIBU or should they understand?

Thanks in advance.

She wants to! She asked for time to do so and has had the rug pulled from under her feet.

I don't think she does, as she says she has made suggestions. She hasn't said she wants to organise it.

If you don’t like surprises, you don’t like them. My dh is the same - he hates them.

However from the sounds of it, something is well underway in the planning. You have missed the boat in taking charge of it yourself.

I think a compromise on both sides is achievable here. I don’t think you can reasonably expect your dp to reveal all or aim to steer the way things are heading now. But perhaps you can ask your dp or a family member to give you notice of what is going on a couple of days in advance. It’s very possible they have factored this into the planning anyway, as you don’t like surprises.

@Fraine I 100% do want to plan it myself. When initial conversations were happening it was very much my family asking ‘what are we doing’ not ‘what are we planning’ so when I said I don’t know I’ll think, but no surprises I thought that would be enough for them to know that meant no surprises.

@aSofaNearYou - I thought I’d made it clear, but perhaps I didn’t and like you say they might be taking the whole ‘no surprises’ to mean yeah but everyone says that….but my husband knows I’m a control freak so perhaps he should know better

My 21st was pretty awful which my family planned, they tried their best but a mixture of snow/restaurant cancellations etc meant it was crap. I also hated not knowing where we were going, what we were doing. So I think all of that mixed together makes me nervous about any surprises.

@HereIAm0

My 30th birthday is a couple of months away and my family have asked me a few times what I want to do. I've always replied that I don't really know, will have a think, but I don't want a party or any big surprises.

I became aware a couple of days ago there there is a group chat happening between my Husband, Mum and a couple of friends, discussing my 30th. (I saw it pop up on his phone, I'm not supposed to know). Straight away I panicked as I was worried what they were planning/discussing. Probably daft to react that way, but I did.

Last night I started talking about my birthday with my husband and suggested a couple of places we could go. He seemed uninterested in the conversation so I kept going, until he eventually said 'Your 30th is being sorted so just leave it'. I asked what he meant and said I have already told him/others that I don't want surprises so if something is being organised I want to be involved.

He got quite annoyed by this and said he wanted to plan it but fine he'd leave it all to me, it will take the nice surprise out of it but fine carry on, and said I was miserable.

I know my friends and family are only trying to make it special, but it's not what I want. AIBU or should they understand?

Thanks in advance.

With respect. You are behaving like a spoilt child.

All you need to know really is what to wear !

YABU a little bit. You've clearly articulated what you don't want so trust that your husband understands that and whilst it might be a 'surprise' as in you don't know what's planned - it doesn't necessarily mean it's a "Surprise!" with a reaction expected.

My husband got really arsey with me about his 40th birthday because I'd planned a 'surprise' knowing exactly what would make him happy.

It was never going to be an on the day thing, I just wanted to wait until pretty close to his birthday before outlining all the plans so he could prepare and get excited. But he decided to act like a complete brat, throwing his toys out of the pram and complaining/making passive aggressive digs so I ended up flinging part one of his birthday gift in his face and asked if it was such a terrible surprise (tickets to see Liverpool vs Manchester City in a league game...virtually had to sell a limb to get them!)

He was absolutely gutted that he'd ruined my plans. He admitted that the gift was perfect no shit sherlock and that being told a few days before as I planned would have been much nicer. I asked if he wanted to know all the other plans I'd made, but oddly enough he decided that I really did want him to have a memorable and wonderful 40th so trusted my judgement on what part two would look like it was awesome

You're basically making it crystal clear that you don't care what your husband and family might have planned because you aren't involved in the planning. A gift can't be dictated, it's given freely or it's not a gift.

Yanbu OP. You said you wanted to have a think about what to do, and then you had a think.

Meanwhile they started planning a surprise party, which is very specifically the one thing you said you did NOT want. They’re being selfish and not listening.

Make a plan of your own asap (I suggest spa day and posh lunch. Or horse riding. Or speedboat on Thames. Or Goape then pub.) Communicate this plan to everyone. If they’ve made alternative plans they can quietly cancel it, this is not your problem.

I was secretly pleased that covid meant that no-one could make me do anything for my 30th last year. My mum always made such a fuss of birthdays. Now she can never make a fuss of me again because she suddenly died. You never know when your last celebration is coming.

I’m somewhere in between YABU and NBU, because although it’s not exactly what you want, they’re doing it because they love you and want to surprise you 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wish I could have my time again.

Make a plan of your own asap (I suggest spa day and posh lunch. Or horse riding. Or speedboat on Thames. Or Goape then pub.) Communicate this plan to everyone. If they’ve made alternative plans they can quietly cancel it, this is not your problem.
This. I'm astonished by the number of people saying OP is being unreasonable.