To feel sad my DH is not showing real interest in my 2nd pregnancy

[marykitty]

I am 37 weeks pregnant with DD. DH and I have also a DS which is 2.5 yo.
I had a very difficult delivery with DS, and I was a bit scared to have a second baby before getting pregnant. My DH sort of "insisted" (not in a bad way), he really wanted a second child and he was the one really wanting to try again. As soon as I fell pregnant, I was super happy and over the moon to be welcoming soon a new baby.

Well, as soon as I fell pregnant, something in my DHs mind sort of clicked and he became COMPLETELY uninterested in the pregnancy.
I mean completely. In 9 months he never kissed my bell. I cannot recall the last time he touched it? As you can imagine, this means he is barely touching me….
On top of that, in 9 months he never mentioned a thing about my belly growing, or me being pregnant, or acknowledge the normal struggles that come as pregnancy package.
My first trimester nausea irritated him, and now that I am experiencing back pain and insomnia in my last month he dismisses it because "he is also tired". He is upset by me being slow in doing things, asking why on earth is taking me so long to do X or Y.
He never did anything to relieve any kind kind of pressure e.g. taking care of more housechores in the last weeks, or cooking during my nausea time...
I was lucky to have a fit pregnancy so far (I am still working and looking after our DS) or honestly I don't know how I would have cope with this!

He lost so many irreplaceable memories, he wasted so many precious moments which will never come back. And I think he "deprived" me of many things I deserved - such as love and support during such a special time.
I pointed this out to him many times and at least he did not deny it. He said I am right, but "he is so busy at work and with life, he does not have to time for this" WTF?

I am just so scared about what will happen when baby is here. I feel so disconnected from him, I am so sad for my DC. I would love to bring them up in a home full of love but I just feel so….i guess disappointed, sad and alone.

My DH thinks I am overreacting, that everything will be alright, that this is just a phase and I have to understand him, he is under pressure with many things to do at work and at home but this does not mean he is not interested in DD. That I watch too many love movies and compare my experience too much with my friends experience. Every family is different and he is expressing his support in a different way (e.g. working and providing money and organizing house renovation). That me complaining about his lack of interest is unfair because he is not a bad man and he is doing a lot for the family, and I am focusing on this too much forgetting the big picture.

Basically, am I being precious or this would make you sad as well?

There is being busy and there is being unsupportive.

If he was that busy with 'work and life' then he shouldn't have pressured you to have another baby.

Why he is putting work first? Most people manage to look after their pregnant wife a bit and work. Being busy with work doesnt mean there is literally no time to give you a hug or ask about your day. You 'have to understand' why he is treating you like shit, but he is making no effort to understand how you feel due to lack of support?

He needs to take up more of the slack with house chores or pay for a cleaner, at the very least, and stop getting annoyed at you for being slow. Being annoyed at a pregnant person for being pregnant is bordering on abusive.

I'm not sure what you can do though. You can give him some specific tasks to do but you can't make him be caring and interested and thoughtful. I'd be telling him that you will struggle to ever forgive him for this and quietly making plans to leave if it doesnt get any better after maternity leave

I think he may remember your difficult delivery last time and is trying to manage his nervousness about this birth.

I do think that you are being quite precious and demanding

@Aethelthryth wtf? OP asking for support whilst she's heavily pregnant is not demanding!!

Don't think dh ever kissed by bump or anything.I did not expect it. He was a good father. As for when I had hg he left me to it and I was too ill to care.
It will all work out, don't worry.

God, DH would never have kissed my bump! I don't know, do people really do that? I thought it was kind of a movie/TV thing. I'd have felt a bit weirded out by it tbh. DH half-heartedly put his hand on to feel baby kicking once but I think he found it odd and we didn't do it again

But YANBU that he could have offered practical assistance. My DH doesn't really bond with pregnancies - it's hypothetical to him I guess until the baby actually arrives. But he does take on more of the load when I need him to. And it sounds like he's playing misery Olympics instead of being supportive.

So I think YABU to want him to kiss your bump and show affection towards it, but YANBU to want him to get off his arse and help out practically.

I think expecting him to he supportive if you are unwell etc is not a big ask.

But I think expecting a lot of the fussing and cooing and kissing your tummy is being a bit precious. My DH didnt even do that with my first pregnancy!

Pregnancy is a normal/common experience, not everyone makes much fuss over it. DH wasn't like that but is a very involved father to the kids when they actually arrive.

Not offering the bare minimum of love and support to your heavily pregnant partner is not demanding ffs. Why does she have to “understand” him? What misogynistic nonsense @Aethelthryth.

He may well be nervous but how the hell does he think his partner, who is going through it feels? He owns all the feels on that does he?

Op your dh is a twat. If he’s too busy to ask how you are or be patient if you are moving slowly then quite frankly he needs to re-evaluate his priorities.

( tbf if my partner has tried to kiss my belly I’d have thought he was losing his mind, but the rest is totally normal)

He might be freaking out about history reapeating itself with your delivery and his avoidance to aknowledge the pregnancy is his way of coping with the anxiety. But of that was the case I don't understand why he pushed you to get pregnant again.

Was he considerably more involved with your first one?

Was he so cold with this one from the get go? I'm seriously reaching here but maybe he was hoping for a second son and he's dealing with gender disappointment?

Anything is possible and your guess is as good as mine.

DH wasn't bothered about either of my pregnancies 😂 but was the best dad from the moment they were born! Men don't get pregnancy 🤷‍♀️ not an excuse but I do get how hard it must be for them too.

That’s nasty behaviour by your DH, including trying to gaslight you!

What was he like during your first pregnancy? He doesn’t sound that interested in your family life. Is he a good dad?

Thanks a lot for your reply.
The belly kiss maybe is only bothering me I am a cuddly person and I need physical touch, so the fact that he is giving me zero physical touch is maybe more difficult for me than for other people.

Anyway, in my first pregnancy he was for sure not over the top as well, but he was spending some time at least talking about the baby or asking me how I was feeling, when we were going to bed at night he would hug me trying to feel the baby move.
He was helping me move heavy stuff etc. And close to the end he was helping me more, letting me rest.

For this second pregnancy, he is just different. Never ask me how I feel. If I tell him I have to sit down a sec because my belly is hard he just does not ask a single question. Not offer any help to do physical heavy stuff, or even asking me to do it because his back hurts (e.g. moving furniture from one room to another). Upset when I have my midwife checks because he has to look after DS or arrange childcare.

Last month (8 months pregant) we had 2 weeks vacation and we used them to visit some relatives he is really close with but we could not see for a while due to covid and distance, and their jaws dropped when they saw me heavily pregnant. "Oh well, I have forgotten to tell them" - they call each other multiple times per month.

I also thought it could be "gender disappointment" because of some early comments he made when we found out it was a girl, but cannot believe this could still be an issue after so many months?

It's all guess work, isn't it? You know there is a problem. He acknowledges his behaviour is different. But, the cause is being avoided.

You have a small window of opportunity to address this, before baby arrives and the pressures are potentially even greater. Consider getting some urgent counselling. If he won't engage, then get it for yourself.

Saw the thread title and came here to see if it could be sex/gender disappointment. Did this start at the beginning of pregnancy or OP? Did it get worse when you found out at the scan? It might not be this, but it could easily be if you have even thought it might be yourself.

What did your DH say? What were the "comments" he made? Unfortunately some people go into parenthood thinking they'll get the sex they want, and then seem surprised when they don't, as if they thought having children was about the sort of child you get and not just about being a parent to a child. So it could be many things, talked about already by PP's (such as him worrying after what happened in your previous pregnancy), but it isn't really unusual if it is this.

Is there a possibility that now you are pregnant again he is really remembering the difficult time you had first time and is now really really scared?

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

Saw the thread title and came here to see if it could be sex/gender disappointment. Did this start at the beginning of pregnancy or OP? Did it get worse when you found out at the scan? It might not be this, but it could easily be if you have even thought it might be yourself.

What did your DH say? What were the "comments" he made? Unfortunately some people go into parenthood thinking they'll get the sex they want, and then seem surprised when they don't, as if they thought having children was about the sort of child you get and not just about being a parent to a child. So it could be many things, talked about already by PP's (such as him worrying after what happened in your previous pregnancy), but it isn't really unusual if it is this.

At the beginning of the pregnancy he told he was sure it would have been another boy. When we found out it was a girl, he asked to have it confirmed because he could not believe it (his family is a "boy" family). He then made some comments out of the blue like "I am not sure I am able to be a girl dad, we have nothing to talk about" "My friend Dave is to lucky to have 2 boys so close in age, such a pity I can never experience that" And others on a similar note

But this was really a looong time ago,
I asked him at the time if he was having issues with DD being a girl and he said No, and since months he just does not speak about the pregnancy so I thought this was not the main issue....

But maybe it still is.
Thanks for sharing your pov!

@CounsellorTroi

Is there a possibility that now you are pregnant again he is really remembering the difficult time you had first time and is now really really scared?

Maybe, but in that case should he not be extra "alert"?

So sorry op, this sounds terrible.

@marykitty this is a really difficult one OP. Personally I see 2 options:

1. He’s a prat. He wanted another boy and now is uninterested because it’s a girl. (Least likely option IMO)

1. When the reality of you actually bring pregnant again hit him he’s now terrified because of your difficult delivery last time and he’s genuinely nervous about having a girl as he has no experience of them so he’s almost in denial about the pregnancy as a coping mechanism.

My DH was desperate for a baby...then when we found out I was pregnant he spent 9 months worried incase he wasn’t a good dad. He also has always said he wanted 2 children but my delivery with DS looked quite terrifying (it actually wasn’t - a lot of blood had gathered behind the placenta so when I delivered the placenta there was a huge rush of blood, the floor and everything were covered and DH thought I was haemorrhaging but I was fine) and DH has now said he isn’t sure if he could watch that again as he thought I was really in trouble.

Sounds like he didn’t want a second child, he wanted a second son.
I presume there are cultural influences here?

@marykitty well in light of his comments i'd say mystery (at least partially) solved and fuck him for his mysoginistic views. He's had plenty of time to get used to the idea of a daughter.

Oh you poor love.

It’s only common decency to care for your partner when she’s carrying your child. It must be making you feel rubbish.

I’m sorry to say that I have a friend whose DH behaved in a very similar way when she was pregnant. The reason being was he was having an affair and was trying to distance himself from his marriage and child.

Really hope he shapes himself. Does he have a good friend who’s a father who can tell him what a dick he’s being?

Hope everything goes ok @marykitty. You deserve to be looked after and cherished.

It doesn’t matter WHY he’s behaving like this: it’s a horrible way to treat you.

sounds horrible, sorry op

@Aethelthryth

I think he may remember your difficult delivery last time and is trying to manage his nervousness about this birth.

I do think that you are being quite precious and demanding

Expecting support from your partner when you're pregnant is not demanding ffs 🙄. OP, he sounds like an asshole. I'm heavily pregnant and would be really struggling if my DH wasn't supportive. He doesn't kiss my bump though thankfully . There's no excuse to say he's too busy to support you, you and the pregnancy should be above anything else. I hope he steps up when she's born.