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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad my DH is not showing real interest in my 2nd pregnancy

46 replies

marykitty · 12/10/2021 08:19

I am 37 weeks pregnant with DD. DH and I have also a DS which is 2.5 yo.
I had a very difficult delivery with DS, and I was a bit scared to have a second baby before getting pregnant. My DH sort of "insisted" (not in a bad way), he really wanted a second child and he was the one really wanting to try again. As soon as I fell pregnant, I was super happy and over the moon to be welcoming soon a new baby.

Well, as soon as I fell pregnant, something in my DHs mind sort of clicked and he became COMPLETELY uninterested in the pregnancy.
I mean completely. In 9 months he never kissed my bell. I cannot recall the last time he touched it? As you can imagine, this means he is barely touching me….
On top of that, in 9 months he never mentioned a thing about my belly growing, or me being pregnant, or acknowledge the normal struggles that come as pregnancy package.
My first trimester nausea irritated him, and now that I am experiencing back pain and insomnia in my last month he dismisses it because "he is also tired". He is upset by me being slow in doing things, asking why on earth is taking me so long to do X or Y.
He never did anything to relieve any kind kind of pressure e.g. taking care of more housechores in the last weeks, or cooking during my nausea time...
I was lucky to have a fit pregnancy so far (I am still working and looking after our DS) or honestly I don't know how I would have cope with this!

He lost so many irreplaceable memories, he wasted so many precious moments which will never come back. And I think he "deprived" me of many things I deserved - such as love and support during such a special time.
I pointed this out to him many times and at least he did not deny it. He said I am right, but "he is so busy at work and with life, he does not have to time for this" WTF?

I am just so scared about what will happen when baby is here. I feel so disconnected from him, I am so sad for my DC. I would love to bring them up in a home full of love but I just feel so….i guess disappointed, sad and alone.

My DH thinks I am overreacting, that everything will be alright, that this is just a phase and I have to understand him, he is under pressure with many things to do at work and at home but this does not mean he is not interested in DD. That I watch too many love movies and compare my experience too much with my friends experience. Every family is different and he is expressing his support in a different way (e.g. working and providing money and organizing house renovation). That me complaining about his lack of interest is unfair because he is not a bad man and he is doing a lot for the family, and I am focusing on this too much forgetting the big picture.

Basically, am I being precious or this would make you sad as well?

OP posts:

WhatAShilohPitt · 12/10/2021 22:57

It sounds like he’s in complete denial and trying to pretend it isn’t happening. I don’t think I could forgive him for 1) not telling family etc for the entire pregnancy or 2) not touching you, as if the baby is some sort of disease. If it’s because the baby is a girl, is he very sexist?

Hankunamatata · 12/10/2021 23:02

You have been through one pregnancy together cant imagine this one is much different - he has seen and done it and has a child to help look after. Mind boggles at what irreplaceable memories you want to make while your pregnant.

FlyingSoHigh · 12/10/2021 23:46

I had an awful first birth - everything that could go did

Sandinmyknickers · 13/10/2021 08:25

It makes me sad that you are putting real effort in here to try to "understand" and figure out why he might be acting this way, but he is not extending you the same courtesy.

You are not a mind reader and shouldn't be expected to figure out the inner workings of a grown adult if they are unable to communicate them to you.. especially if they are your DH!
You sound like you are being a partner and he is just being...there. actor on the same stage but not in the same scene as you.

Yes you can appreciate that he is supporting in other ways, but when you express to him how you are feeling unsupported, a good partner should listen and try to adapt. He is not being a good partner.

toomuchlaundry · 13/10/2021 08:34

@Hankunamatata it would be nice if he didn’t complain about having to look after his own child whilst OP attends midwife appointment for a start

Incywinceyspider · 13/10/2021 08:39

Some people are being horrible on this thread. OP I'd be upset too. I'm pregnant with my second right now (20 weeks). It is slightly different this time as we also have a 2 year old so our every waking thought isn't baby related, but DP is still trying to feel kicks and lifting things for me. You really shouldn't be moving furniture around alone and I would tell him straight!

Out of interest, is he a hands on dad with your toddler? Is this going to be a sign of things to come when your DD is born?

londonrach · 13/10/2021 09:19

Dh didn't kiss my tummy either...tbh it's abit yuk and don't know anyone who did unless they did it privately and didn't say anything. Yabu re that. Re the sickness etc DH should support you there so yanbu. However from what I hear second pregnancy is just second pregnancy and no one really does much about it until baby is here...I've only had one. I do remember my DM being indifferent to Ds on her second pregnancy when she was sick whilst with the first she was fussing around her....think it's a case of people thinking you know what you doing. Good luck with this pregnancy and enjoy your new born hugs x

wizzywig · 13/10/2021 09:31

Please don't be persuaded to have a 3rd child if you know what your needs are in pregnancy and he can't fulfil them.

wizzywig · 13/10/2021 09:32

My husband was less 'interested' second time round. To be fair, most people were less interested when it's the 2nd/3rd etc baby

Radziwill · 13/10/2021 09:33

[quote JudgementalCactus]@marykitty well in light of his comments i'd say mystery (at least partially) solved and fuck him for his mysoginistic views. He's had plenty of time to get used to the idea of a daughter.[/quote]
When women post on here about gender disappointment, they're generally reassured that it's a "real thing", that it doesn't make them bad mums, and that they need to "grieve for the daughter you wanted". Yet there doesn't seem to be much sympathy here for the OP's husband...

Beenheresincethebook · 13/10/2021 09:39

Of course yanbu or precious!! Pregnancy IS full of irreplaceable moments! Like feeling that baby kick or go to that baby’s scans etc. My DH is laziest dad going but even he was interested in all of that.

I think it is perhaps the gender ideal of his which is a shame. Hopefully once DD is here things will change but I’m not surprised you think all this is unforgivable, i would feel the same.

smoko · 13/10/2021 10:23

1st pregnancy a son & was actively showing interest.

2nd pregnancy has "gender disappointment" at having a girl

Not showing any basic care or concern during wife's pregnancy

OP your husband doesn't sound like a very good catch. Does his sexism display itself in any other ways? What's the housework divide like? Does he play into stereotypical outdated gender roles? Does he actively parent the child he has, or is he just in it for the fun bits?

I am childfree & would really struggle to be patient with someone who had this attitude.

I doubt the OP would care if he kissed her belly (naff) if he was showing general care & interest in other ways...

billy1966 · 13/10/2021 10:52

OP,

He sounds awful.

I hope you have friends and family to support you, because he certainly isn't.

Polkadots2021 · 13/10/2021 11:09

@marykitty

I am 37 weeks pregnant with DD. DH and I have also a DS which is 2.5 yo. I had a very difficult delivery with DS, and I was a bit scared to have a second baby before getting pregnant. My DH sort of "insisted" (not in a bad way), he really wanted a second child and he was the one really wanting to try again. As soon as I fell pregnant, I was super happy and over the moon to be welcoming soon a new baby.

Basically, am I being precious or this would make you sad as well?

Jesus OP what a dick. He's got stuff on his mind eh? While you are pregnant with his child, facing giving birth after a traumatic first experience and everything else you're juggling?

Sounds like emotional abuse to me and I'd feel exactly as you do. I'd personally go it alone if this is all he's capable of. It's really shit that a man would treatment a pregnant woman likes he's treating you.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/10/2021 11:11

It sounds like there’s something really wrong. You shouldn’t be being treated like this. Can you tell someone in real life so you have some support. Maybe even look into a doula etc In case he completely leaves you to birth alone.
It could be anything but he needs to speak to you - financial pressure as dad of 2, gender disappointment but he sounds off from start not just when you found out girl. Worry re birth? Not telling relatives is so odd - like he’s hoping it will go away. You need to speak. If he’s not open to speaking could you get a good friend of his or his dad to speak to him.

JudgementalCactus · 13/10/2021 11:29

@Radziwill

When women post on here about gender disappointment, they're generally reassured that it's a "real thing", that it doesn't make them bad mums, and that they need to "grieve for the daughter you wanted". Yet there doesn't seem to be much sympathy here for the OP's husband...

But moms don't wallow in their disappointment for 37 weeks and totally disengage from the pregnancy.

They process their feelings and get on with it.

ImustLearn2Cook · 13/10/2021 11:36

Radziwill

JudgementalCactus
@marykitty well in light of his comments i'd say mystery (at least partially) solved and fuck him for his mysoginistic views. He's had plenty of time to get used to the idea of a daughter.
When women post on here about gender disappointment, they're generally reassured that it's a "real thing", that it doesn't make them bad mums, and that they need to "grieve for the daughter you wanted". Yet there doesn't seem to be much sympathy here for the OP's husband...

@Radziwill If a woman posted about gender disappointment and that she was rude, dismissive, critical and unsupportive of her husband then I think she would be told that gender disappointment is no excuse to treat her partner badly.

SeaToSki · 13/10/2021 11:39

Is he maybe worried about supporting you all financially? Is that why he is so focussed on work…

JudgementalCactus · 13/10/2021 11:44

@SeaToSki

Is he maybe worried about supporting you all financially? Is that why he is so focussed on work…

Why would you assume that he's carrying the financial burden?

OP said she's still working and there's nothing to indicate she doesn't intend to return to work after this baby.

ImustLearn2Cook · 13/10/2021 11:44

@marykitty I’m sorry your husband isn’t supporting you or treating you with the love and closeness you deserve. I hope the birth goes well and your ds loves being a big brother to his little sister I also, hope your husband turns his attitude around and starts treating you better.

Mistressofnone · 13/10/2021 11:53

YANBU to expect more support and interest from your DH. I think second time around is hard when you have a toddler as life is more exhausting and everyone wants to bank extra rest where possible.

In my second pregnancy my DH developed morning sickness which I found really peculiar and annoying! Mine would kick in about 3pm daily and then after dinner he would curl up feeling nauseous. Apparently it's a thing but I wonder if he found having to step up around the house and with DS, a reminder of what lay ahead when baby arrives.

If baby was kicking I'd get him to put his hand on my belly and after 10 seconds 'nope can't feel anything' and give up.

When our daughter arrived though he was absolutely smitten and brilliant support. I bet when your DH meets her it will all change.

Maybe you're just having a particularly bad day with him and tomorrow will be better. Do keep speaking up.

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