Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH drinking issues

47 replies

Newmama93 · 12/10/2021 07:03

Hi all, I have a 6 month old son with my DH of 7 years.

He will drink once every few weeks, unfortunately every time he goes out without me for drinks he ends up getting blind drunk and being really rude to me. It hasn’t happened since we had our son until last night. He went to the pub for a few hours, we then met at my
Grandparents for dinner after it, I told him when you leave the pub please stop drinking as we have a family dinner, it’s a Monday night and it’s not the time and place, he agreed and then bought a straight bottle of bourbon and kept drinking, my family were asking why he was so blind drunk.

We then went home
With our son and DH started to yell at me over things that didn’t make sense. He was saying I didn’t greet the dogs when I came home (yes I did) he was completely not making ANY sense. He was following me around the house, yelling at me, swearing and causing a scene when I’m trying to put our baby to bed.

He’s done this lots of times over the 7 years when he’s had too much to drink. Every time he hates himself the next day but then it happens AGAIN and my dumb ass keeps
Forgiving him. This time I called his dad and said you need to speak to your son amd get him to calm down as I’m trying to settle the baby - his dad was appalled and I felt bad for doing that but I didnt want to call my mum for help and her witness the behaviour. He has told me this morning he is
Booking into a psychologist and will limit drinks when we are around but I just dont believe him, should I give
Him another chance? He’s such a good dad and husband sober but he always wants to get drunk.

I said next time he does this I will call the police, is this too far to do if he does it again? I feel like consequences need to start happening
For following me around the house swearing amd yelling over something that never happened when I am trying to console our son.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 12/10/2021 07:09

He’s an alcoholic. Always wanting to get drunk and getting shitfaced before a family dinner? Bringing his own bottle reminds me of my mum who I tried to stop drinking by having no booze in the house. She was determined to drink. I’d suggest he needs to stop drinking entirely. Only having a small amount won’t work.You can ask him to go to AA, but you can’t make him change, that’s up to him.

Cherrysoup · 12/10/2021 07:11

You can call the police if he is violent or you feel threatened. Most forces remove one of the couple from the address temporarily. It would give him a shock, hopefully big enough to make him do something about his problem.

Joystir59 · 12/10/2021 07:14

Make plans to separate from him. He is an alcoholic.

Signoramarella · 12/10/2021 07:15

Alcoholic. I had this for years. You can't save him. He will deny it and wreck your lives. Make plans to leave. 2 years on from leaving and life is great! Kids don't witness the trauma of him falling over drunk in the shower or crashing the car whilst parking it pissed. I used to get followed round the house too...you tragic bitch he would say. I had a mini breakdown and then gathered strength and left.
You must do it for your own mental health and your kids.
I'm dating now and yes, there are lovely normal guys out there who don't have a devastating addiction. Bless you.

Original poster
Newmama93 · 12/10/2021 07:40

But it doesn’t occur daily or weekly so is he still an alcoholic if it happens every few months or so? He can be sensitive and only have a few drinks at times but when he’s with his friends he gets this way and then will come home
And be nasty.

He says he wants to get help and is booking in to see a psychologist as being a good role
Model for his son is important to him ... I don’t know whether to support him to get help or just make plans to leave. My baby is so young I feel devastated about it

OP posts:
Jurassicparkinajug · 12/10/2021 07:43

I have a couple of friends who can't control their drinking once they start. They don't drink every day but when they do, it's excessive and they have no stop button. Unfortunately the only way to stop this behaviour is to stop drinking altogether, trying to control/limit the alcohol intake doesn't work! My friend went to last orders and counselling and now rarely drinks. But it means missing out on lots of social stuff...its tough.
If he was doing this once every 2 weeks before your son then that is too much, esp if he always verbally abuses you like that. Unless he accepts he has to give up drinking altogether or rarely ever go out, it won't stop. He won't ever be able to control it. But I disagree with a previous poster that there are nice single men out there. Obviously there will be some but the dating world is very tough. I have many friends who have been struggling for years to find anyone now we're a bit older (30s and 40s). It sounds like he's a nice guy but with a problem. For me I wouldn't put up with that once a fortnight esp with a baby but if it was once or twice a year I probably would if he was great in every other way. That's me though. You have to do what's right for you.

Original poster
Newmama93 · 12/10/2021 07:51

No it’s prob 2-3 times a year it happens badly but I also am careful not to annoy him when he’s drunk. Thank you

OP posts:
PiscesScot · 12/10/2021 07:56

@Newmama93

No it’s prob 2-3 times a year it happens badly but I also am careful not to annoy him when he’s drunk. Thank you
He has a drinking problem and is abusive. Abuse very often escalates when children come along.

You shouldn’t have to try not to annoy him. I really fear this will only get worse and worse.

I think you should seriously contemplate a separation - maybe then he can face up to his issues and get help for them. But honestly, I wouldn’t want a man like that living with my child x

Name99 · 12/10/2021 08:10

Why not speak to Al anon, they can offer advice and support
It does sound like he is an alcoholic and I say that as a recovering alcoholic
He has no off button when drinking, once the 1st one goes down his neck he is powerless to how many more he has abd his behaviours. Sounds very much like alcoholic behaviour
People often ask if they are alcoholic, I would say if it's costing you more than money you have a problem and this is certainly costing him more than money
You have to remember that it is a progression, it won't get better only worse unless he takes control of the problem.

Northernsoullover · 12/10/2021 08:16

The word alcoholic keeps people drinking to excess. They look for signs they are one, decide they're not and don't change behaviour. What people should ask themselves is my alcohol use costing me more than money? Ie relationships, jobs, mental wellness. It is causing a problem in your relationship and therefore he has a drink problem. Forget the word alcoholic. It has no basis in science.
I would issue an ultimatum. Stop completely or I will leave. This is not controlling. They are free to continue to get shit faced. You just won't be part of it.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 08:16

God these replies. He’s not an alkie if he only drinks every few weeks for gods sake

But he is occasionally binge drinking op. For whatever reason he is choosing to do this.

I don’t think calling the police is the answer really. It’s about wh6 he feels the need to do this.

PiscesScot · 12/10/2021 08:26

@Bluntness100

God these replies. He’s not an alkie if he only drinks every few weeks for gods sake

But he is occasionally binge drinking op. For whatever reason he is choosing to do this.

I don’t think calling the police is the answer really. It’s about wh6 he feels the need to do this.

Who cares why he feels the need to do this? OP’s priority should be her own safety and that of her child. She’s not his therapist…women don’t have to take on the role of trying to understand & fix abusive men. When should she try? When he’s drunk and shouting at her while she tends to their child? Or when he’s sober and boohoo hates himself so much for it (just not enough to stop doing it)?
Paq · 12/10/2021 08:30

Yes you can be an alcoholic if it only happens a few times a year.

Yes it will escalate.

He has to stop drinking entirely.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/10/2021 08:34

I'm not sure if he is an alcoholic but he is a problem drinker. If you decide to stay then he cant be around you or your son if he drinks. At all. Shame and regret and trying to be sensible wont work. He needs to quit drinking completely or stay the night in a hotel if he drinks.
I would be a bit worried about what it meant about him as a person though. Where does this nastiness come from? Plenty of people drink to excess and aren't aggressive.

M0rT · 12/10/2021 08:35

Alcoholism comes in many forms, binge drinking irregularly if it causes you to be a cunt is a problem.
I think you are right about consequences and I would be clear with him when sober that you are reaching your tolerance limit.
Abuse does tend to get worse when they think you can't leave with children but on the flip side protecting your child will make you less forgiving.
As your baby gets older can you imagine trying to keep a toddler from annoying him when he's drunk?

Tal45 · 12/10/2021 08:50

He needs to make a choice IMO, quit drinking altogether or leave. This has been going on for years and won't stop otherwise, can you imagine your child being around that as they grow up?

bluejelly · 12/10/2021 08:59

Whether he is an alcoholic or not he is clearly a problem drinker. I would definitely recommend al-anon. And counselling (for you). Personally I would also make plans to leave - he can't be trusted to behave kindly and respectfully to his partner/mother of his child. That is unforgivable in my book, no matter how remorseful he is the next day.

Rainbow0821 · 12/10/2021 09:05

There is only one choice.. he has to completely stop drinking. Perfectly doable but he will only succeed if he really wants to stop. He has repeatedly shown he can't control his drinking, he will never be able to just have one or two. I myself am teetotal as when I had things on my mind, I wouldn't stop at a couple. I never thought I could ever give up alcohol but my life has massively improved. There's so much help he can access.

Teeturtle · 12/10/2021 09:06

@Newmama93

No it’s prob 2-3 times a year it happens badly but I also am careful not to annoy him when he’s drunk. Thank you
Most alcoholics would be drinking to excess a lot more than two or three times a year, but alcoholics come in different forms and if he cannot control his drink he is alcoholic.

You cannot fix this of course, but he also has little chance of fixing it unless he really wants to. Him wanting to limit his alcohol is not good enough. He has to want to stop and to commit to a life of no alcohol. Obviously that is only the first step as it is easier said than done, but without the wish to do that, it is a non starter and things will only get worse as alcoholism is a progressive disease.

DogsandCatsB4u · 12/10/2021 09:37

He’s an aggressive drunk and needs to stop drinking
Following you around whilst you have baby is not okay

TheGirlCat · 12/10/2021 09:40

He is not an alcoholic, but he is an alcohol abuser. A binge drinker. Binge drinking is as dangerous as alcoholism, and results in organ damage a lot quicker than simply needing a drink every day.

Added to that, he is a nasty and abusive drinker, so he really shouldn't be drinking at all.

Hoppinggreen · 12/10/2021 09:42

Why does he think a Psychologist is going to do?
Does he mean a psychiatrist or Counsellors? Even then what can they do?
He’s just throwing that out there to shut you up.
I dint know if he’s an alcoholic but he certainly has issues with it, who gets that drunk on a Monday night before a family dinner?
He either needs to stop or you need to leave

Original poster
Newmama93 · 12/10/2021 09:48

He’s wanting to see someone who help with his underlying anger issues and to sort out why he feels the need to drive and why he behaves that way. I have said all this, thanks everyone.

He got that drunk before a family dinner because the pub has just opened here in Australia after 3.5 months so he went with his mates for a few hours before our family dinner. I said don’t come
To the dinner if you’re drunk but he said he was fine then when I arrived I was
Fuming to see he was drinking straight and legless.

He gets drunk often, once a month but it’s only abusive badly around 3 times a year. Well last year it was 5 times, I was pregnant and not drinking so that added to it. Calls me a cunt etc over nothing when drunk. He is not like that at all sober, it’s very sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newmama93 · 12/10/2021 09:48

Also - his grandma can’t drink because she gets aggressive and his brother is pretty much domestic violence against his wife when drunk he’s so bad. I have said there’s an issue in the family.

OP posts:
HoardingSamphireSaurus · 12/10/2021 09:49

@Bluntness100

God these replies. He’s not an alkie if he only drinks every few weeks for gods sake

But he is occasionally binge drinking op. For whatever reason he is choosing to do this.

I don’t think calling the police is the answer really. It’s about wh6 he feels the need to do this.

Erm, unusually for you Bluntness, that isn't in anyway correct.

He is an alcoholic - look up binge drinking alcoholism. At the very least it is a strong sign of alcohol dependence that will only increase.

And if OP ever feels unsafe when he is pissed of course she can call the police! FFS!

Why he does this is his issue to work on. HIS...

Swipe left for the next trending thread