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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH drinking issues

47 replies

Newmama93 · 12/10/2021 07:03

Hi all, I have a 6 month old son with my DH of 7 years.

He will drink once every few weeks, unfortunately every time he goes out without me for drinks he ends up getting blind drunk and being really rude to me. It hasn’t happened since we had our son until last night. He went to the pub for a few hours, we then met at my
Grandparents for dinner after it, I told him when you leave the pub please stop drinking as we have a family dinner, it’s a Monday night and it’s not the time and place, he agreed and then bought a straight bottle of bourbon and kept drinking, my family were asking why he was so blind drunk.

We then went home
With our son and DH started to yell at me over things that didn’t make sense. He was saying I didn’t greet the dogs when I came home (yes I did) he was completely not making ANY sense. He was following me around the house, yelling at me, swearing and causing a scene when I’m trying to put our baby to bed.

He’s done this lots of times over the 7 years when he’s had too much to drink. Every time he hates himself the next day but then it happens AGAIN and my dumb ass keeps
Forgiving him. This time I called his dad and said you need to speak to your son amd get him to calm down as I’m trying to settle the baby - his dad was appalled and I felt bad for doing that but I didnt want to call my mum for help and her witness the behaviour. He has told me this morning he is
Booking into a psychologist and will limit drinks when we are around but I just dont believe him, should I give
Him another chance? He’s such a good dad and husband sober but he always wants to get drunk.

I said next time he does this I will call the police, is this too far to do if he does it again? I feel like consequences need to start happening
For following me around the house swearing amd yelling over something that never happened when I am trying to console our son.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 09:55

This obsession with labelling someone an alcoholic is silly on here. Honestly.

He’s not an alcoholic he occasionally binge drinks. That’s it.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 12/10/2021 09:57

Ye gods!

Fallagain · 12/10/2021 10:03

@Bluntness100

God these replies. He’s not an alkie if he only drinks every few weeks for gods sake

But he is occasionally binge drinking op. For whatever reason he is choosing to do this.

I don’t think calling the police is the answer really. It’s about wh6 he feels the need to do this.

If is an alcoholic or not doesn’t matter. The bloke clearly has an alcohol issue and when he drinks he is abusive to his partner. They have child in the house so therefore the child is considered to be being emotionally abused.

OP you need to get some support from Al anon or similar. Talk to your family and friends. This situation can’t go on as it is. Remember you can’t change his behaviour just how you react to his behaviour.

I really feel for you. It’s not the situation you should have to deal with as a new Mum.

seaweedhead · 12/10/2021 10:21

You don't have to be an alcoholic to have a drink problem. Your husband has a drink problem.

girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 10:36

He needs to stop drinking. If you're treading on eggshells every time he drinks he stops drinking or he leaves. It's that simple.

Laiste · 12/10/2021 10:45

There is no need to label him.

He shouldn't be drinking as he behaves like a bastard when he drinks.

If he won't not drink you need to leave him. You need to tell him this. No second chances. It stops now.

If he won't not drink it means he cares for getting pissed more than he cares for you and his son OP so you've not lost a good dad and husband - in fact you've nothing to lose x.

Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 10:52

Alcohol seems to be considered by some as like air or water - can’t be given up! I can’t believe he’s wanting to see a psychologist to figure out why he’s an arse when he’s drunk. What’s the point?!

For whatever reason, alcohol clearly makes him a vile person.

When I was in my 30s I noticed that alcohol had started to give me a blinding headache. So now I have a choice - stay alcohol free or have a headache. I choose to not drink. Your husband has a choice between staying alcohol free or abusing his wife. He should choose not the drink.
And if he chooses to abuse his wife instead, then he’s either an alcoholic or a seriously nasty piece or work, and you should definitely think about leaving him.

Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 10:53

@Laiste

There is no need to label him.

He shouldn't be drinking as he behaves like a bastard when he drinks.

If he won't not drink you need to leave him. You need to tell him this. No second chances. It stops now.

If he won't not drink it means he cares for getting pissed more than he cares for you and his son OP so you've not lost a good dad and husband - in fact you've nothing to lose x.

Exactly!

EKGEMS · 12/10/2021 10:55

@Bluntness100 I worked in addiction support during nursing school
and one of the first things I learned about addiction is you don't need to drink daily to be an alcoholic-if your drinking causes problems then it's an addiction.

UltimateBugKilla · 12/10/2021 11:29

What makes you think he will change this time, but didn't any other time?

Fundays12 · 12/10/2021 11:46

He is an alcoholic as he can't control the amount he drinks once he starts. Alcoholics don't always drink daily but can't stop once they do.

RealBecca · 12/10/2021 12:55

Well do you really want to police his behaviour and put up with the fall out for the rest of your life?

Because it doesnt sound like you think hes changed, you just want to hear the 1 ina million story where it works out to cling to.

You arent breaking up your family. He is. All he ever had to do was not drink. Choosing between drink and your family is a no brainer unless you have a drinking problem.

He will stop. For a bit. Until he knows hes in the good books enough to do it again.

Bluntness100 · 12/10/2021 17:08

[quote EKGEMS]@Bluntness100 I worked in addiction support during nursing school
and one of the first things I learned about addiction is you don't need to drink daily to be an alcoholic-if your drinking causes problems then it's an addiction. [/quote]
Then you need to go back to school, because it’s really not that simple.

Original poster

Newmama93 · 13/10/2021 00:49

He’s a great dad and partner, we can drink together often without issues and he will stop after 3-4. It’s not every single time he drinks. It’s when he gets drunk and keeps drinking (usually on a day out with the boys etc) this doesn’t happen often.

I have said all of this to him and he is getting help, he won’t get drunk around us and if he doesn’t stick to that I will honestly leave him because I won’t have my son around vile behaviour.

OP posts:

FanGirlX · 13/10/2021 01:22

I split up with ex DP about 6 weeks ago because he is an abusive binge drinker and it had got progressively worse.

He could also stop at 4 if he wanted but he could also drink a litre bottle of vodka and behave like your DH. He was drinking a litre bottle of vodka at least once a week.

Joystir59 · 14/10/2021 09:44

Problem drinking is when drinking starts to negatively impact on your life. So your partner has a problem with alcohol because his drinking is having a negative impact on his life.

Joystir59 · 14/10/2021 09:45

Stop drinking with him. You are enabling him.

Joystir59 · 14/10/2021 09:45

He isn't a great partner or dad or you wouldn't be on here would you?

Joystir59 · 14/10/2021 09:46

If you are frequently having three or four drinks you are probably drinking more than is good for you. Try not drinking for a week.

ErickBroch · 14/10/2021 09:48

He is an alcoholic. You should leave him but, if you feel you can't right now, I would try and record him the next time it happens and show him the next day. I did this to my partner who didn't believe how much of a mess he was when he'd had a drink - he was absolutely mortified and has never done it again years later.

CareerConcerns1999 · 14/10/2021 09:50

He knows his drinking causes the anger.
He chooses to continue drinking.

That alone makes him an alcoholic. Frequency is irrelevant

BrilloPaddy · 14/10/2021 09:52

He's not a great Dad and partner. He's someone who can't control his alcohol intake and becomes nasty with it.

Your bar is set so low it's practically on the floor. Raise it up and stop accepting this behaviour from him.

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