Fee like everything is crumbling

[Lolalola93]

Hello everyone,

Just looking for some reassurance or guidance that I’m not being dramatic.

I had a beautiful son 4 months ago. I suffered 3rd degree tear and had to spend 2 hours in surgery after my birth. Thankfully I healed up well and I was back to normal in a couple of days. My partner was pretty useless during my labour/birth, he just lay on the sofa eating whilst I pushed out his child.

My son is EBF, he won’t for love nor money take a bottle, he is a super hungry and feeds A LOT (98th centile for weight and height). He only falls asleep feeding and is super attached to me. (We are working on this)

The problems I’ve been having is with my partner, I’m not sure if I’m being petty or not, these issues are almost becoming so infuriating I’m ready to ask him to move out…

1. He constantly moans about how tired he is — he doesn’t get up for the night feeds, he doesn’t get up with the baby in morning and he’s in bed by 9pm every night
2. He falls asleep on the sofa all the time — I ask him to go through to bed for a nap if he’s tired but he doesn’t. I feel like I can’t play with the baby or I’m conscious about him crying incase he wakes his dad up. Plus it also feels like a kick in the teeth because I’m permanently exhausted and I have never napped since the baby was here (there’s always something needing done)
3. He calls me every evening on his way home from work to find out what’s for tea and is it ready and if it’s not can we have something asap cause he is “starving”
4. I do all the tidying and cleaning through the week and he will have one day of cleaning at the weekend
5. He only takes the baby when I ask
6. He lies the baby on his playmat and goes back to playing on his phone
7. He acts like “dad of the year” when we are in company but when it’s just us I’m back to doing everything

Reading this back he sounds terrible but he is a lovely person and I do love him but feel like I’m being taken for a mug.

I feel like I went into hospital gave birth to one baby but came home with two!

Is this normal?

Sorry for the long post but any advice would be lovely xx

He sounds depressed. He needs to go to the doctor and get some help. This is not fair on you at all. It needs to stop. Either he gets help and pulls himself together, or you ask him to leave. Don’t put up with it. Can you find time and energy to have a heart to heart and insist he ask for help?

What was he like before baby came along? Did he ever do his share of the house work?
Did he nap regularly on the sofa? Tell us more.

Sorry!

I should have mentioned, we both liked a nap (never on the sofa tho) and never as much as he is sleeping now. For example, came home on Saturday at 12pm — fell asleep at 2, got up at 7 when I came home with baby (I left and went to my mums cause I was bored), went back to sleep at 10pm, got up at 7am Sunday, went to sleep at 3 got up at 6 because his parents came round, went to bed at 9:30, got up at 6:30am today, weNt back to sleep at 7:30 and got up at 3:30. Cleaning wise he has always helped, he lived on his own before we got together however pre-baby I was WFH so I managed to do most of it during the day.

He constantly moans about how tired he is
I bet you are both absolutely drained. Try not to turn it into a competition though - instead work out ways to ensure you both get adequate rest. Broken sleep is hell for all.

I feel like I can’t play with the baby or I’m conscious about him crying incase he wakes his dad up
You can pack this feeling in right now. The bedroom is the correct place to sleep. Fall asleep anywhere else at your own risk. He'll soon learn if you stop giving a fuck about this.

He calls me every evening on his way home from work to find out what’s for tea and is it ready and if it’s not can we have something asap cause he is “starving”
You have choices here. Tell him to make his own effin' dinner. Alternatively, you could decide that from now on, tea will be at X o'clock. Inform him of the planned meal in the morning. If you feel that cooking each day adds to your tiredness then perhaps think about batch cooking. That's if you are happy with being chef, of course.

I do all the tidying and cleaning through the week
Could you do less through the week and leave him more to do at the weekend?

He only takes the baby when I ask
Don't ask, just give. Say 'I am going for a bath'. Not 'Do you mind if I go for a bath?.

He sounds useless, I would be furious

I feel like I can’t play with the baby or I’m conscious about him crying incase he wakes his dad up
You can pack this feeling in right now. The bedroom is the correct place to sleep. Fall asleep anywhere else at your own risk. He'll soon learn if you stop giving a fuck about this.

My ex use to do this and I did the same as you . I ended up walking on eggshells avoiding the row it would cause if he was woken up. It’s really not acceptable behaviour from a grown man.

I hate sofa nappers

"I feel like I went into hospital gave birth to one baby but came home with two!"

This happened to me too. It didn't go away with time either. I think it's a really hard transition for both parents and keeping things together in the marriage can really challenging. I've had to fight hard to sort things out, but I did and it is working. Good luck there.

Thank you everyone, it’s interesting to see that I’m not alone. I knew having a baby would be hard but I didn’t expect it to affect my relationship quite so much. I absolutely hate conflict, most of the time I just stay quiet but I think this is too far gone to stay quiet now.

I keep going between sad, angry and blasé.

I’ll deffo have a chat tonight when he’s home!

Thank you all so much xx

The fact he needs so much sleep I'd say he is depressed. Hope chat goes ok op x

He's not depressed, he's sulking and lazy. He's not the centre of attention any more. He needs a positive attitude towards bonding with his child!

OP, it's perfectly natural for your baby to be attached to you, you don't need to be 'working in it' if you don't want to.

I didn’t realise being a lazy shit was a symptom of depression.

With him needing so much sleep, I'd be getting him to go to the Dr to check for anemia

He sounds like a lazy prick. Your attention is no longer focussed on him so he is reverting to baby-like behaviour to get it back to him. How is that attractive?? He sounds gross.

If he actually needs that much sleep he doesnt then he needs to see a doctor. If he won't pull his weight, dump him. You'll be better off.

The amount of sleeping is concerning.
When I'm low all I want to do is sleep.

Can you suggest you'll make him dinner and he can do tea/night snack/supper.

Does he fuck sound depressed! He sounds lazy and shit. Not depressed when he’s phoning OP demanding his tea, is he?

Points 1-7, OP, come down to the same thing: he’s a shitbag. You can’t change HIM, you can only change YOU. So no more tiptoeing around not playing with your baby while he’s kipping on the sofa: make as much noise as you want. Get the hoover out tbh.

Stop asking him to take the baby: plonk the baby on him. Chuck his phone in the fridge and tell him to interact. (I actually think “baby on playmat, parent on phone” is fine IF you’re pulling your weight parenting and fancy a break. His whole life is a break. So, no.)

When he phones about his tea, why answer? And split the cooking: you’re on maternity leave, not “do all the household chores” leave. He does 9-5 at work (plus commute), you do 9-5 at home with the baby (plus nights because boobs, so that’s equivalent to commute time): everything else 50-50. Cleaning, shopping, cooking, planning. If he doesn’t pull his finger out, make and eat your dinner before he gets home. Go on strike.

A baby and the strict routine is a shock to most people, it is extremely hard on everyone.
He needs to realise this.
He can eat a bowl of cereal while he cooked dinner.

Post natal depression in men genuinely is a thing. But regardless, no-one here is in a position to say that he is not depressed. His behaviour isn’t ok and needs addressing, but the amount of sleep for a start really isn’t normal and I would be seeking some medical input there.

I would definitely have a discussion with him and suggest that he really ought to go and see the GP as a starting point.

No, it’s not normal. It’s laziness. You need to set talk to him and set some new boundaries. My husband cooked half the week ( and still does). You are both ‘working’.

Has he had his blood checked? This sounds like vitamin d deficiency. I have been the same.

Men cannot have post-natal depression. They do not give birth, therefore are not post-natal.

He is a lazy oik.

Absolutely he needs bloods done to rule out a physical cause, that's a ridiculous amount of sleep. Does he do a very physical manual job or stay up late the rest of the week or something?

Definitely some food for thought here ladies — weirdly he is phoning the doctor today. He has quite a high pressure job, each morning he throws up. We have been through various reasons for it over the years, eating too late, not sleeping well ect ect but I genuinely think it’s anxiety.
Will a doctor we able to guide towards speaking to him about depression? I have asked him to tell the doctor about the amount he sleeps.

I don’t want him to find depression as a reason for his actions (unless it actually is the reason), at home I try put as little pressure on him as possible but I’m literally at my wits end. Caring for a baby is hard and I really don’t know if I can continue looking after both of them. The idea of going back to work in May is already filling me with dread cause I have no idea how I will manage it.

Also selfishly (this might a horrible thing to say), why does the attention have to be on him? I bloody carried his child, had a fairly traumatic birth, feed, clothe, care for, play with and spend 24/7 with the baby — he doesn’t offer me a break.
Just to clarify, I love my son with every bone in me but it would be nice not to have a 5 minute shower but to have a 20 minute one without worrying about stressing him out.

Sorry for the outburst it’s just never ending — DS is amazing and I don’t want my partner to miss out on these moments

You are not being unreasonable, but your DP sounds like he needs to visit the GP.

Somebody once told me that women’s hormones after birth help to motivate them to battle through levels of sleep deprivation that they couldn’t have managed before, and by comparison men seem lazy. I don’t know if that’s true. But by any measure your DP is oversleeping and like others have said a medical investigation including bloods would be wise.
If nothing else it will wake him up to the fact that the way he is behaving is not normal.

No it's not normal. He needs a kick up the arse and quick.

Definitely doing the right thing seeing the doctor, that amount of sleeping isn't normal and I don't think a "lazy" person would sleep for five hours in an afternoon and still go to bed at 9/10pm.