Fee like everything is crumbling

[Lolalola93]

Hello everyone,

Just looking for some reassurance or guidance that I’m not being dramatic.

I had a beautiful son 4 months ago. I suffered 3rd degree tear and had to spend 2 hours in surgery after my birth. Thankfully I healed up well and I was back to normal in a couple of days. My partner was pretty useless during my labour/birth, he just lay on the sofa eating whilst I pushed out his child.

My son is EBF, he won’t for love nor money take a bottle, he is a super hungry and feeds A LOT (98th centile for weight and height). He only falls asleep feeding and is super attached to me. (We are working on this)

The problems I’ve been having is with my partner, I’m not sure if I’m being petty or not, these issues are almost becoming so infuriating I’m ready to ask him to move out…

1. He constantly moans about how tired he is — he doesn’t get up for the night feeds, he doesn’t get up with the baby in morning and he’s in bed by 9pm every night
2. He falls asleep on the sofa all the time — I ask him to go through to bed for a nap if he’s tired but he doesn’t. I feel like I can’t play with the baby or I’m conscious about him crying incase he wakes his dad up. Plus it also feels like a kick in the teeth because I’m permanently exhausted and I have never napped since the baby was here (there’s always something needing done)
3. He calls me every evening on his way home from work to find out what’s for tea and is it ready and if it’s not can we have something asap cause he is “starving”
4. I do all the tidying and cleaning through the week and he will have one day of cleaning at the weekend
5. He only takes the baby when I ask
6. He lies the baby on his playmat and goes back to playing on his phone
7. He acts like “dad of the year” when we are in company but when it’s just us I’m back to doing everything

Reading this back he sounds terrible but he is a lovely person and I do love him but feel like I’m being taken for a mug.

I feel like I went into hospital gave birth to one baby but came home with two!

Is this normal?

Sorry for the long post but any advice would be lovely xx

Even though there is clearly something going on he needs to parent his child as well so you can do things like shower or relax for half an hour. The joy of parenting is that even when you are ill you have to battle through and look after the DC!

He needs to look after the baby so you can shower and perhaps also whilst you make tea? He needs to interact and bond with his child.

I have an EBF nearly four month old baby and a DH who loves his sleep so know how you feel.

A couple of things we do differently that might help:

Agree one night a week for him to take the baby to visit PIL if live near enough. Would be good in your case if he is father of the year around other people. How: get a cheap handheld breast pump (what I can afford anyway lol) and express and freeze or express on the day if you prefer. They only have to be gone two hours. Feed the baby up before they leave then the bottle will only be if needed. (But explain to DH how to spot feeding cues) I know you said baby doesn’t like bottles but if it’s your milk and you aren’t there I think you will find baby much more willing to accept it.

Two tell DH not to expect hid dinner anymore when he gets home as it’s not feasible. Instead, he gets home an takes the baby (even if he just puts on the mat and stares at it) giving you a chance to cook (if you want to you don’t actually have to cook his meals) dinner.

Still working on the rest myself so that’s all my advice lol

But it’s not just the excessive sleep is it. He’s demanding dinner as soon as he gets home, he’s crap with the baby (as per being on the phone and leaving the baby on the playmat).

Sounds like being a lazy shit and a crap dad masquerading as depression. Look, maybe it’s both and it does warrant a GP visit but in the mean time I would be calling him out on his shit and telling him to start pulling his weight or he can start packing his bags.

Try to put as little pressure on him as possible - Why? Is he not an adult?

If his job is that stressful that it's actually causing him physically illness, plus making him unable to care for his wife and child, he needs a new job.

Again, he is a grown ass man, stop infantilising him

Perhaps a visit to GP would be in order.If he throws up every morning before work ,then that is defo not normal is it? He sound s a bit overwhemed to me .Many men seem to think life will "return to normal"with a baby who slots in and out! You should be resting if you are EBF as well . He may well be depressed but shouldnt be phoning asking whats for Supper from a new mum .I would just have takeouts /easy meals for now .If hes starving he can jolly well make himself a sandwich FFS!

It's not just the sleep - which may or may not be due to something medical. The throwing up every morning is odd too, but is it linked to the excessive sleeping? Do you think he's depressed?

It's also his shit attitude - demanding tea, never playing with or engaging with his baby, showing no care or compassion for you, never once thinking that you might like a lie-in, expecting you to do everything - even if he's ill, presumably his brtain still works so he should be able to realise how wrong this is?

Was he emotionally open before the baby? Could you talk to him? Has this changed? Why doesn't he change job if this one is making him ill?

BTW, you sound like a superstar, but you're not superhuman. You need a break! If your h can't, do you have anyone else who could help?

He needs to leave the phone down while interacting with the baby.
Remind him a bond grows with consistency and effort, unless he puts the effort in it won't happen.
When he says he is tired, ask him how does he think you feel, every time he mentions anything he missed out on, tell him it was worse for you.
Moan for moan until he gets it.
My DP could have been better on our first, he was forewarned before number 2 arrived he jumped straight it.
I think he was frightened, stressed the first time, it wasn't a picnic for me, we nearly split up on the first by 4 months.
He drastically got his shit together.