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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel bitter about this?

38 replies

TRFran · 11/10/2021 20:44

My feelings are probably unreasonable but I just need to vent!

When my son was born, I was the first of our group of 5 friends to have a baby. When I told the group that I was pregnant, one of my friends told us all that she didn’t want to talk about babies/pregnancy as she was desperate to TTC but her husband wasn’t yet ready, so she found the whole thing upsetting.

I was very understanding about this and didn’t talk about my pregnancy with her. The thing is, we almost always meet up as 5 so I very rarely saw my other friends without her, meaning that my pregnancy was never discussed, no baby shower, no excitement at all.

At the time, I felt like I just had to accept this and understand that, while my baby was a big deal to me, it wasn’t to anyone else and I didn’t want to upset a friend so just had to suck it up.

The friend in question is now 14 weeks pregnant and I feel like all we ever talk about is her pregnancy. Days out with the girls now revolve around looking at baby clothes and her telling us about her symptoms in minute detail. She’s already asked us to plan her baby shower and wants it to be “the baby shower to end all baby showers”.

I suppose one of the good things to come from this is that my friends now actually ask me about my DS and I’m allowed to talk openly about him (none of the other girls have children yet).

I’m genuinely happy for her that she is finally having the baby that she has longed for but almost feel a little bitter that I’ve missed on the excitement for myself.
AIBU?

Im fully aware that I am incredibly lucky to have a happy, healthy DS and these feelings are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things!

OP posts:
yaboreme · 11/10/2021 20:53

Personally I don't think you are BU! It's a hard situation to be in because you don't want to rub it in, but you shouldn't have had to put up with that! You should have been able to talk to your friends and for them to support you. My friends and I have all been down this route, a different journey for all of us (IVF, miscarriages) but no way would we have ignored the others joy and every time we celebrated each other's pregnancy news.

That's so sad and I'm sorry that you had to go through that! I would have felt cheated too.

It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things you are right, but I think it's pretty low that because one friend didn't want to talk about it that no one else did?

Have you known this set of friends a long time?

Coffeey · 11/10/2021 20:53

She’s already asked us to plan her baby shower and wants it to be “the baby shower to end all baby showers”. well you all have babies so can't afford loads she'll have to make do with what everyone else had. What a CF demanding stuff.

Coffeey · 11/10/2021 20:54

Also for all she knows any one of you could be struggling with secondary infertility.

Ilovechinese · 11/10/2021 21:14

She sounds like a self centred bitch and not a nice friend at all! It's one thing to not want to talk about pregnancy and babies if you have suffered losses or are infertile and that I can understand but she wasnt neither of those things, just hadn't started trying yet. And now she is she expects all the attention on her and her baby. Very attention seeking. I would not have any part in organising her baby shower and let her know what a selfish self centred bitch she is being and say you're not interested in her baby just like she wasn't interested in yours.

RaisedByPangolins · 11/10/2021 21:21

I’d have to tell her that given you weren’t even allowed to talk about your baby you won’t be contributing to her “baby shower to end all baby showers”. Cheeky bitch.

I know it must be hard when you desperately want a baby but can’t have one for whatever reason. But honestly it was only that her H wasn’t ready, not even infertility or miscarriage etc so she WBVU to stop you talking about your baby. However your other friends are also a bit shit for allowing this one friend’s feelings to override your happiness at having your DS.

Maybe suggest that as you missed out on all the fuss with your DS you’ll make it a joint baby shower with her this time. Grin

Wrenna · 11/10/2021 21:22

Yanbu. I understand being sensitive especially after a miscarriage. But this idea of ‘you can never talk about this subject as it upsets me’ is just over the top.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 11/10/2021 21:35

Oh wow l thought she was struggling to get pregnant....not just that her dh wasn't ready.
Nah that is bollocks.

Lightswitch123 · 11/10/2021 21:38

She sounds like a terrible friend to you and the others

Thehop · 11/10/2021 21:41

She sounds awful.

Have you asked her if she sees how unfair this all is?

Onlinedilema · 11/10/2021 21:43

She sounds absolutely vile.
I would not be contributing to her baby shower and I’d tell her if she asked.
Can you steer the conversation away from her? How does that go?

TheChip · 11/10/2021 21:48

I dont know how you've kept your mouth shut. She sounds absolutely awful! Does she not even feel guilt now that she is experiencing pregnancy to apologise to you for not letting you share your excitement?
Yanbu

Notaroadrunner · 11/10/2021 21:49

She's a self centred bitch and I wouldn't have any part in her baby shower. I'd also tell her why.

Halo1234 · 11/10/2021 21:52

She cant have it both ways.
Not to share in your baby joy (whilst understandable). Then to expect you to be the total opposite when it comes to her. I would be annoyed. Bit of a one sided friendship.

Shutupyoutart · 11/10/2021 21:55

She sounds incredibly self involved yanbu at all I think if it was me I would have to say something the resentment will eat away at you op.

Fraine · 11/10/2021 21:59

She sounds like an idiot. Stop giving her so much time and space to be an idiot in.

Bogeyes · 11/10/2021 21:59

Don't bother with her

longtompot · 11/10/2021 22:01

If I were brave I would, every time she brought up the pregnancy etc, just start talking about something else.
Or even speak to her just the two of you and say how hurtful it was not being able to enjoy your pregnancy with your friends because of her. Do you think she would even care how much it hurt you, because if you feel she wouldn't, then she is no friend and I wouldn't spend any more time with her. I certainly wouldn't be contributing to the 'baby shower of all baby showers'.Or even a normal run of the mill baby shower.

almaonao · 11/10/2021 22:02

Fuck that I'd be fuming.

RuggerHug · 11/10/2021 22:05

She just sounds like a selfish wagon to be honest. Next time she tries to talk about herself, gentle hand on her arm 'X, remember how hard it was for you to hear about pregnancy before and how I didn't mention it at all because I didn't want to hurt you? You don't know where anyone else is going through so you should be more sensitive. I'm sure you haven't meant to be hurtful, but maybe some awareness would help'.

And baby shower? 'Oh I didn't think we did them?'

Notimeforaname · 11/10/2021 22:05

Thats really unfair op . I feel for you.

While I understand it must have been so difficult for your friend, its very unreasonable to ask someone else to pretend their pride and joy doesn't exist Angry

Its never a good look to begrudge someone something.
Funny how she expects you all to be delighted for her good news but she couldn't possibly muster up some with yours! Self obsessed woman. Hmm

Chloemol · 11/10/2021 22:05

YANBU. And I would be calling her out

Her: I want the baby shower of all showers
You: that’s not very nice as you all didn’t do one for me as you said you didn’t want to talk about my baby

Her: oh today I feel xyz
You: I know it’s not nice is it., unfortunately you decided I couldn’t talk about my pregnancy at all, so surely the same rules have to apply to you? And change the subject to something else

Every single time

Allthesefolks · 11/10/2021 22:06

Jeez She’s only 14 weeks, it’s going to be a loooong pregnancy for you and your friends! I wouldn’t be getting involved in organising her baby shower, I’m sorry you had to put up with that treatment.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 11/10/2021 22:09

Wow.

I’m surprised your other friends haven’t picked up on it?

Fraine · 11/10/2021 22:09

Yes, tell her you’re desperate to TTC a second baby but DH doesn’t want to so please can she stop all the baby talk.

Let her reveal her true colours.

RuggerHug · 11/10/2021 22:10

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

Wow.

I’m surprised your other friends haven’t picked up on it?

LoveGrooveDanceParty I bet they have picked up on it and just don't know what to do.